6 year relationship break up - not coping

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SusanRose

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Hi all,

I have been keeping this inside of me for a few weeks and decided that I might be able to get some comfort here.

My relationship has come to an end. I have known this person since I was 17 (he is older) and have been in a relationship with them since I was 18 and I am now 24. I suppose I was not happy in the last year because I felt like I wanted to be by myself, the pressures just felt huge and I pushed him away so he has finally ended it via a long, painful email.

I have not cried once. I can’t feel anything. I live with my parents who adore this guy like a son and keep asking me why he isn’t visiting every night and I keep telling them he is working late. I can’t bring myself to tell anyone because I am so stunned and embarrassed and don’t want to talk to them about it. I don’t want to explain it or be comforted or have people tiptoe around me.
We were meant to go to my cousins wedding together next week, we had so many plans for the summer. It’s going to be painful to go through and I need to tell people but…

Also, I feel such huge amounts of guilt because I know I hurt him and I’m struggling to come to peace with it.

I just can’t believe that through all the fights and my crying, it’s over and I can’t seem to feel at all or do anything. I’m cancelling plans with friends, I didn’t go to a job interview yesterday. I told one of my oldest friends and he just went “oh, that sucks” and hasn’t been free to meet up once in 3 weeks so I feel very isolated.
If anyone has ever been in a similar position or can offer any advice or prayers, I would be so grateful.

God bless x
 
I am so very sorry for what you’re going through; the pain of ending a long relationship can seem unbearable for a while. Don’t try to go through it alone; you will need the support of your family and friends. Stay close to our Lord, as well.

I will leave the advice to the people here who are better at that than I am, but I do have one question: Why did he end a 6-year relationship over email rather than doing it in person? I don’t know the circumstances, but that doesn’t sound right at all. So much can be misunderstood with that type of communication; and when two people have been together for even a shorter length of time, the one breaking off the relationship owes it to the other to do it in person, regardless of how difficult it is to do. Is there any way that the two of you can meet to talk about it one last time?
 
EnglishTeacher said:
I am so very sorry for what you’re going through; the pain of ending a long relationship can seem unbearable for a while. Don’t try to go through it alone; you will need the support of your family and friends. Stay close to our Lord, as well.

I will leave the advice to the people here who are better at that than I am, but I do have one question: Why did he end a 6-year relationship over email rather than doing it in person? I don’t know the circumstances, but that doesn’t sound right at all. So much can be misunderstood with that type of communication; and when two people have been together for even a shorter length of time, the one breaking off the relationship owes it to the other to do it in person, regardless of how difficult it is to do. Is there any way that the two of you can meet to talk about it one last time?
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well we had a huge argument that ended in him walking out and not communicating with me for 3 days. I phoned and left him a voicemail and said I would give him space if that’s what he wanted so I wasn’t going to phone again and bother him but when he was ready to talk to let me know and we’d go for a walk. The email was my response. I guess he feels there isn’t much left to talk about and I hurt him badly so he doesn’t want to see me. He says he still loves me and misses me already and that his life is pointless without me in it and he was about to propose to me but that its all broken now. I wish he had never mentioned the proposing thing, it cut like a knife.
 
It is very good that you told this someone, keeping such a pain inside isn´t just hard, it is something that makes ill. My feelings and prayers are with you.
Do you have a good relation with your parents? I think when you explain the situation they will try their best to support you now, and as the previous poster said I also think ending a long lasting relationship via email isn´t right, no matter what happened before. I was in a similar situation some years ago, and the first 4 weeks I wasn´t able to feel anything. But there are 2 veeery important things I have learned,
  1. that feeling guilty is normal, but also not the full truth- don´t care more for his feelings than he cares for yours in this situation!
  2. You will endure much more than you think, you will survive much more than you think. No matter if it feels just impossible, please always remember this, the “you are strong” phrase is right.
    Feel free to be egoistic now. You will feel better after explainig your family just a few facts, so they can understand that you aren´t just rude o them when you want them to leave you alone. Attending a wedding party isn´t really the best activity now.
    I wish you the best and that you will bear the next time with god´s help. feel free to contact me if you just want to talk to someone:-)
 
SusanRose said:
Hi all,

I have been keeping this inside of me for a few weeks and decided that I might be able to get some comfort here.

My relationship has come to an end. I have known this person since I was 17 (he is older) and have been in a relationship with them since I was 18 and I am now 24. I suppose I was not happy in the last year because I felt like I wanted to be by myself, the pressures just felt huge and I pushed him away so he has finally ended it via a long, painful email.

I have not cried once. I can’t feel anything. I live with my parents who adore this guy like a son and keep asking me why he isn’t visiting every night and I keep telling them he is working late. I can’t bring myself to tell anyone because I am so stunned and embarrassed and don’t want to talk to them about it. I don’t want to explain it or be comforted or have people tiptoe around me.
We were meant to go to my cousins wedding together next week, we had so many plans for the summer. It’s going to be painful to go through and I need to tell people but…

Also, I feel such huge amounts of guilt because I know I hurt him and I’m struggling to come to peace with it.

I just can’t believe that through all the fights and my crying, it’s over and I can’t seem to feel at all or do anything. I’m cancelling plans with friends, I didn’t go to a job interview yesterday. I told one of my oldest friends and he just went “oh, that sucks” and hasn’t been free to meet up once in 3 weeks so I feel very isolated.
If anyone has ever been in a similar position or can offer any advice or prayers, I would be so grateful.

God bless x
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You need to talk. Tell your parents. Speak it!

Go do a Holy Hour and tell Jesus. Find a Catholic Church that is usually empty during the day and go talk it to Jesus, in front of the Tabernacle, for one hour. He heals!
 
Thank you so much Father and Alice.

I guess I feel guilt about the hurt I caused him. I am ashamed of how I acted towards him at the end and I don’t even know how to start telling God or praying about it because I feel so sinful and unhappy with myself.

Your words of support mean more than I can tell you right now.
 
SusanRose said:
Thank you so much Father and Alice.

I guess I feel guilt about the hurt I caused him. I am ashamed of how I acted towards him at the end and I don’t even know how to start telling God or praying about it because I feel so sinful and unhappy with myself.

Your words of support mean more than I can tell you right now.
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Just tell Him. God understands. Especially tell Him the parts you are ashamed of. Talk it through with Him, and He will bring you peace, and healing. But go to the Church. He is there, in that tabernacle. When you sit down there, let the tears come, and speak it out. You will feel His presence.
 
SusanRose, I’ll be praying for you, your boyfriend, your parents, and for healing and happiness for you all.
God bless you, Love
 
SusanRose said:
Hi all,

I have been keeping this inside of me for a few weeks and decided that I might be able to get some comfort here.

My relationship has come to an end. I have known this person since I was 17 (he is older) and have been in a relationship with them since I was 18 and I am now 24. I suppose I was not happy in the last year because I felt like I wanted to be by myself, the pressures just felt huge and I pushed him away so he has finally ended it via a long, painful email.

I have not cried once. I can’t feel anything. I live with my parents who adore this guy like a son and keep asking me why he isn’t visiting every night and I keep telling them he is working late. I can’t bring myself to tell anyone because I am so stunned and embarrassed and don’t want to talk to them about it. I don’t want to explain it or be comforted or have people tiptoe around me.
We were meant to go to my cousins wedding together next week, we had so many plans for the summer. It’s going to be painful to go through and I need to tell people but…

Also, I feel such huge amounts of guilt because I know I hurt him and I’m struggling to come to peace with it.

I just can’t believe that through all the fights and my crying, it’s over and I can’t seem to feel at all or do anything. I’m cancelling plans with friends, I didn’t go to a job interview yesterday. I told one of my oldest friends and he just went “oh, that sucks” and hasn’t been free to meet up once in 3 weeks so I feel very isolated.
If anyone has ever been in a similar position or can offer any advice or prayers, I would be so grateful.

God bless x
Click to expand...
You need to talk. Tell your parents. Speak it!

Go do a Holy Hour and tell Jesus. Find a Catholic Church that is usually empty during the day and go talk it to Jesus, in front of the Tabernacle, for one hour. He heals!
 
It seems, from this email chain, that the break up was appropriate, that you did not see a future with him, though he seemed to see one with you. Most of your pain now is related to how you treated him during the breakup, and the loss of the activities that go with a relationship, rather than r/t to losing him.

It is often through making mistakes like these, especially in relationships, that we learn and grow the most. It is so much harder to forgive ourselves than others, I think. Learn the lesson, and don’t do it again.

BTW, from the perspective of someone who was broken up with in a unkind and painful way, sometimes it helps that the person initiating the split acted like a jerk in the end. Anger is a stage of grief. The best thing you can do now is to keep your distance, give him space. Do not reach out and try to apologize. Break-ups are painful, no matter what, and the pain is never equally divided. The way you broke up is only a small piece of that pain. I don’t believe you can do anything to alleviate what he is going through.
 
SusanRose said:
If anyone has ever been in a similar position
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Yes, and then some. Unfortunately in my case it was not calling it quits early enough, getting married, then subsequently getting a divorce.

Breaking up with anyone is difficult. I’ve felt bad about breaking up with people I dated for a really short time and didn’t like in the first place. It’s just human nature.

It appears from your post that there is something that makes you two incompatible. In that case, it is best you break up. Don’t feel bad about it, and don’t dwell on it. Yes, it is difficult, but the sooner you tell and discuss your feelings with others the sooner you can move on with your life. All the best…
 
SusanRose said:
I guess I feel guilt about the hurt I caused him. I am ashamed of how I acted towards him at the end and I don’t even know how to start telling God or praying about it because I feel so sinful and unhappy with myself.
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What about the way he acted towards you and hurt you? It takes two to tango and I doubt that it was only you who contributed to the breakup of the relationship. Perhaps you are downplaying his contribution to it. You say you felt the need to be without him in the last year. Ask yourself why. Of course, you don’t have to spill the beans here, but it is important that you understand why you felt that way.
 
Talk it out with others. Try to see both parts of the story. You mentioned you felt some huge pressure. No need to tell us but good relationships are based on communication. And if you believe it’s over then it’s over.

By God’s grace, I was dating someone for around the same period of time. I had to gently end it when I realized - after asking - that I could not provide the things my girlfriend wanted if we got married.

May God bless you and keep you in His care,

Ed
 
When any long term relationship ends, there will need to be a grieving process. You have lost something important and need to grieve it. People grieve in different ways, but I think it helps to cry, talk to other people, and spend time in prayer.

Be aware that it will take some time to go through this and you will not cope well for a while. That’s why it helps to let others in so they can help you to cope. And frankly, you’ll need to tell people anyway, since they’ll all begin to put 2-and-2 together and work out that this man isn’t around now.

Also be aware that no matter how badly you feel for your role in the breakup, you are not the person who can help him through the breakup. As another poster said, if he’s angry with you it may well help. If you have broken up for good reasons, stick with that and don’t look to apologise or soften your stance at this time. Give him the same opportunity to grieve, which he can’t do if you seem like you might change your mind at any time. The best you could do for him is to keep him in your prayers, but right now I think you should focus on yourself and getting everything clear in your own mind.
 
SusanRose said:
If anyone has ever been in a similar position or can offer any advice or prayers, I would be so grateful.

God bless x
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Hi Friend,

Yes, I’ve definitely been in that situation. My first boyfriend broke up with me by a letter in the post. The letter was 2 sentences long. I thought I would never heal, and I didn’t want to discuss it with anyone either.

I advise you to tell your parent. You can also share with them that you’re not ready to go into detail about the break-up right now. Do you have any close friends? Tell them you need them right now, and plan activities with them. If not, do good things for yourself. Make a list of things that you want. Do whatever is in your budget.

Ask yourself if there’s any changes that you want to make in your life. For example, do you want to learn photography? Get a Master’s Degree? Do yoga? And if it’s too soon to concentrate on this new stuff-that’s OK too!

During my last break-up, I discovered a book by Elizabeth Kuster called “Exorcising Your Ex.” The author uses lots of humor.

As far as your ex goes… I suggest that you maintain no contact with him. Definitely don’t contact him to apologize. He’s the one who broke up by email.

Prayers to you! Ask God for strength every day. And remember what Solomon said, “This too shall pass.” This period in your life won’t last forever.
 
You have mentioned guilt over hurting your ex-boyfriend. Others have cautioned you to not contact him. I am not intimately familiar with your situation, so I will just share a mistake I made without explicitly advising you.

I intentionally hurt a woman with words when she broke up with me. I was extremely hurt and afraid; bitter. Exercising extremely poor judgment and lack of concern for her, I did not give her space after. That was a disaster of my own making, and resulted in additional regret over actions of mine. I came to understand that I indeed wronged the woman and engaged in behavior displeasing to God, both during the relationship and at the end. The correct response in this situation was not to apologize to her. She needed me to be out of her life much more than she needed an apology. I should have apologized to God for my behavior and left the poor woman alone. In this instance, apologizing to her was selfish, only for my benefit. The remorse was/is something for me to carry.
 
It will take time to heal. And as others have said, everyone grieves in his/her own way.

Some of us will wear our heart on our sleeve and talk to anyone who will listen. Others will retreat to his room or take long walks.

After a college romance ended for me - I was so numb, I couldn’t talk to anyone for a long time about it. I never mentioned it to my parents. I through myself into working two jobs for the summer - 72 hours or so a week. Then I went back to college - met all new friends - kind of transformed who i was into someone who i more wanted to be.

I couldn’t bear to date anyone else for a while - perhaps more than a year. But I got out of the hermit stage after found activities to keep me occupied.

Keep yourself busy with other things and friends. Some friends won’t talk to you. Some have gone through so many relationships - so one break up is no big deal. They might not be able to bear you talking about this to them. (That may be why your one friend is ignoring you) Others may want to listen and sympathize.
 
SusanRose said:
I have been keeping this inside of me for a few weeks and decided that I might be able to get some comfort here.

My relationship has come to an end. I have known this person since I was 17 (he is older) and have been in a relationship with them since I was 18 and I am now 24.

I have not cried once. I can’t feel anything. I live with my parents who adore this guy like a son and keep asking me why he isn’t visiting every night and I keep telling them he is working late. I can’t bring myself to tell anyone because I am so stunned and embarrassed and don’t want to talk to them about it. I don’t want to explain it or be comforted or have people tiptoe around me.

We were meant to go to my cousins wedding together next week, we had so many plans for the summer. It’s going to be painful to go through and I need to tell people but…

Also, I feel such huge amounts of guilt because I know I hurt him and I’m struggling to come to peace with it.

I just can’t believe that through all the fights and my crying, it’s over and I can’t seem to feel at all or do anything. I’m cancelling plans with friends, I didn’t go to a job interview yesterday. I told one of my oldest friends and he just went “oh, that sucks” and hasn’t been free to meet up once in 3 weeks so I feel very isolated.
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It’s normal to experience numb feelings after a break up. In fact, it’s a common response even after long-term, formative relationships such as yours, where people often drift apart long before severing ties.

Nevertheless, the break up has obviously affected you in other areas of your life, and while this too, is normal, don’t allow yourself to wallow in the aftermath. It’s very easy to lose sight of your priorities and miss good opportunities when you isolate yourself. You’ll need time to adjust emotionally and socially, but don’t abandon your routine even if you’re not in the mood. You should also to talk to your loved ones despite the discomfort; eventually they will sort out what happened, and their advice and support is almost certainly better than what we can offer you online.
 
SusanRose said:
well we had a huge argument that ended in him walking out and not communicating with me for 3 days. I phoned and left him a voicemail and said I would give him space if that’s what he wanted so I wasn’t going to phone again and bother him but when he was ready to talk to let me know and we’d go for a walk. The email was my response. I guess he feels there isn’t much left to talk about and I hurt him badly so he doesn’t want to see me. He says he still loves me and misses me already and that his life is pointless without me in it and he was about to propose to me but that its all broken now. I wish he had never mentioned the proposing thing, it cut like a knife.
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SusanRose said:
We were meant to go to my cousins wedding together next week, we had so many plans for the summer. It’s going to be painful to go through and I need to tell people but…

I suppose I was not happy in the last year because I felt like I wanted to be by myself, the pressures just felt huge and I pushed him away so he has finally ended it via a long, painful email.

I guess I feel guilt about the hurt I caused him. I am ashamed of how I acted towards him at the end and I don’t even know how to start telling God or praying about it because I feel so sinful and unhappy with myself.
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Without a clearer picture of the situation I have no hard advice on this. You lot should keep each other at a distance right now, and maybe apologising to him (assuming you owe him an apology) may do more harm than good, as others have shared.

On the other hand, you mention that you made plans together and he proposed to you, but you had been pushing him away for a while. It seems possible that you misled him to some extent. Assuming that’s true, it may actually help both of you move forward if you take responsibility for your mistakes.
 
SusanRose said:
Hi all,

I have been keeping this inside of me for a few weeks and decided that I might be able to get some comfort here.

My relationship has come to an end. I have known this person since I was 17 (he is older) and have been in a relationship with them since I was 18 and I am now 24. I suppose I was not happy in the last year because I felt like I wanted to be by myself, the pressures just felt huge and I pushed him away so he has finally ended it via a long, painful email.

I have not cried once. I can’t feel anything. I live with my parents who adore this guy like a son and keep asking me why he isn’t visiting every night and I keep telling them he is working late. I can’t bring myself to tell anyone because I am so stunned and embarrassed and don’t want to talk to them about it. I don’t want to explain it or be comforted or have people tiptoe around me.
We were meant to go to my cousins wedding together next week, we had so many plans for the summer. It’s going to be painful to go through and I need to tell people but…

Also, I feel such huge amounts of guilt because I know I hurt him and I’m struggling to come to peace with it.

I just can’t believe that through all the fights and my crying, it’s over and I can’t seem to feel at all or do anything. I’m cancelling plans with friends, I didn’t go to a job interview yesterday. I told one of my oldest friends and he just went “oh, that sucks” and hasn’t been free to meet up once in 3 weeks so I feel very isolated.
If anyone has ever been in a similar position or can offer any advice or prayers, I would be so grateful.

God bless x
Click to expand...
A break up is painful, there is nothing you could really do about it. Both of you feel hurt now because you cared for eachother, and your relationship meant a lot to you.

The reality is, it would be much worse if you wouldn’t be in pain right now. In today’s society, many young people go through so many “relationships” that each one becomes more meaningless than the one before, and ultimately a break up then is just another day at the office. You don’t want that.

None of us can tell you if it was the right thing for the two of you to break up. But from what you tell us, it seems like the decision is final. Talk to people close to you about it (and stop lying to them), spend some time in prayer, try to find some comfort and begin to move on. But know that there lies a period of (healthy) sadness ahead of you both.
 
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