6 year relationship break up - not coping

[madelynn]

The reality is, it would be much worse if you wouldn’t be in pain right now. In today’s society, many young people go through so many “relationships” that each one becomes more meaningless than the one before, and ultimately a break up then is just another day at the office. You don’t want that.

Very true. Although it may not feel good, this phase is a necessary step towards healing. Jumping into another relationship in order to avoid pain just results in more pain. This is the time to learn about yourself, and what you want.

 

[SusanRose]

thank you each and every one from the bottom of my heart. You have provided me with more encouragement and support than I can express.

I have had a very upsetting week. My mum asked again if there was something wrong so I told her that we were in the process of breaking up and still figuring things out and I just wasn’t ready to talk about it. She took it VERY badly. She said that she found it hurtful I wouldn’t talk to her. I tried to explain it wasn’t anything personal on her just that I wanted to not talk to anyone right now. Then she asked me if I had cheated on him because she knew he loved me. She said I was at a crossroads in my life and that I was making bad decisions.

My entire daily life has been extremely strained ever since. I cried and told her she was making things more difficult on me so she stopped but never spoke to me again about it but won’t leave me in peace. She doesn’t want me going out to see friends, asks me 100s of questions and is being really hostile. She won’t tell my Dad and after her reaction I can’t face it.

I don’t know what I am even upset about anymore or how to move beyond this as this thing with my parents feels worse than the break up. My ex boyfriend is still contacting me daily and I have told him that we should take proper space from each other.

Thank you all for your advice and prayers. I really need and appreciate all I can get right now

 

[McMcMe]

Oh dear, I’m sorry you didn’t get the response you hoped for from your mom. Perhaps my experiences will be helpful to you. My mom did what yours did a long time ago when I broke up with someone upon graduating from college. I just didn’t see a future and we hadn’t been that serious, but my mom still to this day asks me about this person–who incidentally is also happily married now. I think it just was someone who she liked and approved of. It was so odd because I certainly had been more involved with other guys before and since but for whatever reason that was the one she focused on.

Many years later, I was in my late 20s and eager to get married. I dated a really nice, Catholic guy for nearly a year. In almost all ways “on paper” this guy was perfect. But after almost a year I knew that there was something missing from our relationship. There just wasn’t a lot of zing there. I loved him dearly but just felt in my heart that marriage wasn’t for us. So I broke it off. It was HORRIBLE. Even thought I initiated it I grieved for weeks afterwards. But one of the things that my dad said to me at the time that really helped was how much he admired me for breaking up with the guy. “It takes a great deal of courage to go against momentum of a relationship that ‘looks’ right but doesn’t feel right. I know you want to be married but you weren’t willing to settle for a ‘good enough’ marriage for either one of you.” Nearly 10 years later this guy found true love that just SHINES on his face. I am so so so happy for him, and so grateful that we didn’t marry.

You WILL get through this. TIme will heal the hurt. You will be able to learn from it. But for now, just ask for God’s grace to see you through this time day by day.

 

[SusanRose]

Oh dear, I’m sorry you didn’t get the response you hoped for from your mom. Perhaps my experiences will be helpful to you. My mom did what yours did a long time ago when I broke up with someone upon graduating from college. I just didn’t see a future and we hadn’t been that serious, but my mom still to this day asks me about this person–who incidentally is also happily married now. I think it just was someone who she liked and approved of. It was so odd because I certainly had been more involved with other guys before and since but for whatever reason that was the one she focused on.

Many years later, I was in my late 20s and eager to get married. I dated a really nice, Catholic guy for nearly a year. In almost all ways “on paper” this guy was perfect. But after almost a year I knew that there was something missing from our relationship. There just wasn’t a lot of zing there. I loved him dearly but just felt in my heart that marriage wasn’t for us. So I broke it off. It was HORRIBLE. Even thought I initiated it I grieved for weeks afterwards. But one of the things that my dad said to me at the time that really helped was how much he admired me for breaking up with the guy. “It takes a great deal of courage to go against momentum of a relationship that ‘looks’ right but doesn’t feel right. I know you want to be married but you weren’t willing to settle for a ‘good enough’ marriage for either one of you.” Nearly 10 years later this guy found true love that just SHINES on his face. I am so so so happy for him, and so grateful that we didn’t marry.

You WILL get through this. TIme will heal the hurt. You will be able to learn from it. But for now, just ask for God’s grace to see you through this time day by day.

I appreciate you sharing. it is definitely hard to know if you are doing the right thing but I suppose if you love something, let it go…and trust that no matter what, God will look after you. I am just worried I am not dealing with this all properly and will wake up in 6 months and realise ive made so many bad decisions out of hurt and fear.

 

[McMcMe]

You are young. Perhaps you will have regrets in the future of how you handled this situation. BUT, life isn’t about being perfect. It is about learning from our mistakes and taking that knowledge forward into your future actions.

Sounds like most of all you are afraid you’ve made a mistake–sounds like your mom’s voice is in your head! There is a great book called What Does God Want? that is about making big decisions. It stresses looking at actions with respect to the teachings of the church, prayer, what do wise people have to add (don’t include your mom here IMO), and honesty about what your person and personality is suited for.

Teachings of the Church: The catechism has nothing to offer about whether or not you should remain with this particular individual. But it does talk about who we are as children of god. And vocations. And living a Christian life.

Prayer: Take some quiet time in front of the Eucharist. Pour out your heart to Jesus.

Wise Counsel: Talk to someone who IS NOT involved in your relationship. This would nix your folks and mutual friends since they will bring their own opinions of your ex-boyfriend into the mix. Talk to a counselor or a priest.

Personal Inclination: Journaling can be a great tool for getting to the root of our fears, doubts, and anxieties. They can also be useful tools to refer back to if you doubt your decisions in the future.

I hope this helps. I wish I could have your for tea and good chat. It will be okay.

 

[SusanRose]

you have such compassion, thank you for taking the time to write to me. I am still standing but I am still on a journey with all this. I am beginning to find comfort in my faith and prayer but some days is harder than other. I sing in a community gospel choir and I think when we return for a concert (after a summer break) in 2 weeks it will really help boost my spirits and help me to look towards God again.

I do really feel the need to talk to someone outside of my circle of family and friends. I have tried spilling to a few people but they are so involved with opinions of me and this guy it’s hard. I don’t know how to approach my priest but I would like him to know I am hurting, maybe confession would help me. I am quite involved in my church so they will notice that I have withdrawn a little bit I suppose.

I am struggling with the rift in my relationship with my Mum. My sister has said she had a similar experience with her a few years ago when she ended a long term relationship and that she has learnt to pull back, that it’s just the way our Mum chooses to live her life and it helped to know I wasn’t alone but I keep praying for work and then income and then maybe I can move out. But it’s a scary place of transition right now so please keep praying I follow God’s path for me instead of making mistake after mistake!

God bless you. Thank you so much. Tea and a chat with you would put the world to rights I am sure!