A bit of a rut.

  • Thread starter Thread starter John_AH
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
J

John_AH

Guest
Hello all,
I am a young man who was brought up catholic and has tried to live a catholic life. I would describe myself as a strong but silent type. I have strayed a number of times in my life but God was always there to protect me (very long stories). I have tried to prepare myself for marriage by sacrificing and giving as much as possible to the church and all people to the point there is not much left.

Anyhow my problem is this, I love to give, and it is my way of showing love. It is how God built me. There have been a couple of young women in my life who I wanted to be my # 2 in life (God is always #1). At the time they (not at the same time) were in my life they did not see me. They kept seeing me as a friend and not as anything more. Yes I know I have a real hard time saying it but I try to express it anyway a can from writing poems to really listening and giving them there needs. Yet nothing. I final told the first young lady how I felt and she practically bolted. The second young lady is still in my life and has been giving me tons of clues she does not see me that way.

Two things I know,
That I should speak up and to trust in God.

I feel I’m doing something wrong. The Lord has given me allot to give and yet no to give it to. I am heavily involved in the church and plan to become a deacon when I become of age. The one thing that I have a difficult time with is being alone. I’m absolutely horrible at it. When I’m alone, I’m almost always praying or I try to find something to do.

I don’t really think it is the young women, they give so much of themselves, they are faithful, and in there own time the most beautiful (souls) I have ever known.

What am I missing?

God’s humble servant,
John A.H.
 
I wonder if they are seeing you as “needy”… because you mentioned that you have a difficult time being alone. I’m wondering if they get scared that they won’t have time alone if you were to move ahead with your relationship?

I think, in some ways, women want someone who loves and respects THEMSELVES - not in a selfish manner, but in a way that shows true respect.
If you can’t see Christ within YOURSELF, then how can you see Him in others?
 
John_AH said:
I feel I’m doing something wrong. The Lord has given me allot to give and yet no to give it to. I am heavily involved in the church and plan to become a deacon when I become of age. The one thing that I have a difficult time with is being alone. I’m absolutely horrible at it. When I’m alone, I’m almost always praying or I try to find something to do.

I don’t really think it is the young women, they give so much of themselves, they are faithful, and in there own time the most beautiful (souls) I have ever known.

What am I missing?
Click to expand...
Hi John.

You are not doing anything wrong at all. I think that you are getting a little impatient, but that is understandable. Neither of those young women were the one God had in mind for you. Or if they are, they are not ready yet, so continue doing what you are doing. You will find the right girl, but you have to continue to trust that God’s plan will work out. As hard as it is, you are doing the right thing. Keep trusting in and praying to Him. He knows what you need.

Peace

Tim
 
Thanks for replies,
I had a bit of a revelation a couple weeks ago about my neediness in confession. The result has helped me greatly with the way I am around people. At a couple of weeks old “the result” will take time to help me “forget” my old ways but it has already proven a much better and happier way to be. I wish I could elaborate more but it is kind of self defeating to talk about it.

That part of bible has always confused me. I try to act like Christ but who am I to be see myself as Christ like (I am a sinner). I know we are supposed to reflect Jesus but my whole point is no one sees who I “more than care for” sees it.

Maybe part of the problem is I have always tried to be secretive in my works and tell only those who need to know.

I pray all the time for the virtues of patience and trust,
But I also pray for (if there is one) my future wife.

Thank you again for the replies,

God’s humble servant.
John A.H.
 
John_AH said:
Thanks for replies,
I had a bit of a revelation a couple weeks ago about my neediness in confession. The result has helped me greatly with the way I am around people. At a couple of weeks old “the result” will take time to help me “forget” my old ways but it has already proven a much better and happier way to be. I wish I could elaborate more but it is kind of self defeating to talk about it.

That part of bible has always confused me. I try to act like Christ but who am I to be see myself as Christ like (I am a sinner). I know we are supposed to reflect Jesus but my whole point is no one sees who I “more than care for” sees it.

Maybe part of the problem is I have always tried to be secretive in my works and tell only those who need to know.

I pray all the time for the virtues of patience and trust,
But I also pray for (if there is one) my future wife.

Thank you again for the replies,

God’s humble servant.
John A.H.
Click to expand...
Hi John;

You are not doing anything wrong, really–these just might not be the ‘right’ people for you to date, in God’s eyes. Just be yourself–be giving, and kind, and everything that you feel God is calling you to be…the right girl will appear, in God’s time.
 
John,

As a fellow single male, the only thing I would say is a red flag is this:
John_AH said:
Anyhow my problem is this, I love to give, and it is my way of showing love. It is how God built me.
Click to expand...
You can’t buy love. Do you want a girl to only like you for your money? Additionally, if you want to be a good father who can make sure his family is provided for, you will need to be prudent with your money, and sometimes being too willing to give can lead others to take advantage of you. You may need to learn the phrase “take this guilt trip and shove it”.

The fact that you recognize that you don’t want to be alone is not something that is wrong. If anything, it could be a clarifying point in your discernment. Additionally, modern-day psychobabblers have this perverted notion that you need to accept being alone before you can have a successful relationship. They are out of line, because remember what God said in the beginning in Genesis, “It is not good for the man to be alone”. We were not built to be alone; not everyone can handle lifelong celibacy, as attested to by Jesus when He referred to those who made themselves “eunuchs for the kingdom” and how not everyone could accept this teaching.

My advice:

First, don’t try to buy love with money. I know you may want to impress them, but at the same time, maybe they should be impressing you!

Second, if there is someone close to you that sees how you interact with women, try to get some feedback from them.
 
Hi John,

I was touched by your story mainly because you sound EXACTLY like my husband. He is the sweetest, most giving, faithful man I’ve met! You also sound like you are in the same place he was before we met. We were both in our late 20’s and getting anxious and a little freaked out that we hadn’t found each other. We were dating but not finding someone who was THE ONE. So with out knowing it, we both decided ENOUGH. I remember talking to God and telling Him that I have prayed and discerned that you are calling me to the married life but for the life of me I don’t understand why You are taking so long! So I’M DONE! I’m not looking anymore, if You want me to meet him then you are going to have to throw him in front of me and stick a huge neon sign around his neck because I’m not looking anymore. That was my new years resolution. I met my to be husband in February. And the neon sign was FLASHING! 😃

I remember feeling like you did and I remember people telling me to be patient and enjoy my single life and I wanted to scream SHUT UP!!!:o But it is great advice. You will need the patience for your first years of marriage and then for all the little blessings you will have in the future.

PP had good advice on not trying to buy love. You want a woman to love you for you, not for what you buy her. Redirect your efforts in giving to the church or charity.

Remember that God hears your prayers and maybe just has a better plan in store for you than you realize.👍
 
My journey has been somewhat different but reflects trying to find someone initially after leaving the seminary. BUT, I went on many dates that ended in dead ends. Don’t do like I did…I joined the Army to get away from home. To give myself a second chance at life and intended to return to seminary. I did like the other guy said is not good. I spent a lot of time alone trying not to find a girl on purpose. After dating way too long on a hopeless young woman, she split and went for a guy 4 years younger than me, 2 years younger than her. She was a gold digger before she dated me…He mom said “if he’s not rich at least he went to the seminary”.

Point is that when you look at a girl/woman really to court, not date, you should meet the parents…good advice I leaned in high school. wished I’d have applied that on the first girl - mom was a gold digger disappointed in her alcaholic husband/professor that she begged to quit his 3rd year of law school because of children and stress. That’s where the alcahol comes in. Anyway, today society keeps putting off and putting off to the point that we seem to have to wait forever before finding the “right one”. Truth is that most young people do not know or understand commitment. Blame that on your parents and their parents. This has been eroding away at society for quite a long time. Used to be that people married very young and made it work. They understood what it was like to start from stratch and build up. blah blah blah…

You may be attracted to women that are not truly good for you. You should go outside of your norm and look in places that you haven’t thought of yet. No, not bars. Dumb move. However, had my wife not gone to a bar and drank her first drink at the age of 21 I may never have met her. One of my soldiers was persistent and he finally got her phone number after driving her crazy. They never really dated and he finally told me SGT. my name, she’s your kind of girl. I said “how do you know she’s my kind of girl…first she’s not Catholic and second I’m going to the seminary to be a priest.” Who’d have know I’d be married a year later. She just converted this past year and we are happy. Not recommended, but God had mercy on me. You really don’t want to marry outside Catholicism, you would be very miserable - trust me. Though we’re very happy now, it was not always totally great, but we did work hard at making it work.

I was 28, she was 22 when we married. Maybe you’re looking for the wrong type of woman. Maybe she’s much younger or even a bit older. I was taught that women mature faster than men. I doubt that seriously but its been wonderful having a woman nearly kiss the ground you walk on and visa versa. If a knucklehead like me can find someone then you can too. Just stop looking and that’s when it will happen. Give up on it in a sense and focus on building up you ability to support a family, but stay away from gold diggers. They’re the ones that will ruin your life if things don’t go their way. You might do better finding someone from a less fortunate financial background - just a thought. My wife is from a very poor family and looked it when I met her. I bought her all the latest clothes intending to head off to the seminary and next thing I know she’s batting her eyes at me all the time. I thought they only did that in the old days. Well her daddy was 72, so that might explain it. That was 1989. We’ve been married for 18 years, 3 kids and vocations popping up in the domestic church.

I miss being alone sometimes. I got really used to it and would have made a great monk had I realized it. My wife says that she would have become a nun had she grown up Catholic. So we just treat our home like we’re in a monestary - really…you wouldn’t beleive what my wife did to our home with all the huge sacramentals. I LOVE IT!

Stop looking and just give your life to God for now. That’s a form of trusting God to do with you as he pleases. Hope that helps.
 
Thanks for all the adivse.

Gold diggers
They are not like that. They don’t ask for things for themselves. I don’t give them anything they don’t need. I make it a point not to give them anything in excess. Only stuff I know they could use. They had needs and they were surprised when I remembered and gave them the things they needed.

I love to give, I have my eyes and ears wide open to see where I can help.

Not letting me give is like asking me not to love.

I don’t understand it.

Time and only my Lord will tell.

Thanks again.
God’s humble servant,
John A.H.
 
John_AH said:
Not letting me give is like asking me not to love.
Click to expand...
John,

I’m seeing a consistent theme here.

There are other ways of loving than giving $$$$$. Maybe that is where you should focus your efforts, the non-monetary way of giving. Sometimes it is giving of your time, sometimes it is learning what life is like on the “other side of the fence”, sometimes it is asserting yourself to stand up for someone in need (you mentioned in a previous post about learning to speak up).
 
whatevergirl;
In there own time I thought they were the perfect one for me.

The last one was an engineer, super faithful, and traditional just like me. I know for sure she was an answer to my prayer. The thing was the prayer said nothing about marriage.

I liked to call her Beautiful because she liked to give so much, to the point of exhaustion, a really selfless person.

I read somewhere that the most beautiful women in a man’s life is the one he marries. Yet she does not see me like that. She knows I pray and think of her all the time.

Truly, I only want her happiness,

God’s humble servant,

John A.H.
 
I don’t think I ever said I gave them money.
Neither one would ever have accepted it.

I gave money only once because she took in a woman off the street and I knew she had no money. So technically it wasn’t for her. I also gave them food and made them breakfast because they had none.

I’m much more blessed talent wise the than financially wise.
I offer what I can.

I am extremely active in the pro-life and youth ministries. I have little time to give but if I said I would be there I will be there.

God humble servant,
John A.H.
 
John, I understand what you mean about getting so much joy from giving. I personally am terrible at giving physical gifts, but being generous in action comes naturally to me. My boyfriend, too, is a very giving person. I think what you need to watch out for is making sure that you’re not giving more than you can afford - not necessarily financially, but emotionally and spiritually.

I think it’s easy to see yourself as a giving person, and then not know when to stop. My boyfriend believes firmly in helping people financially. He has rules for it - they must be a close friend, they must be in dire need, and they must be the kind of person who would do it for others, as well. This month he gave the last of his cash to a friend who needed it more than he did. Then, when I heard about what he did, I slipped ten dollars into the pouch that he keeps his rosary in. My boyfriend takes it too far, I think, but one of the reasons I love him is his generosity. He has only given me two physical gifts, and never any money, but his generosity of spirit is what attracts me to him. I’m certainly no gold digger - you’ll never get rich marrying a truly generous person! They’re too busy helping those that need it to hoard riches for themselves.

Anyway, just don’t surround yourself with “takers”, and you’ll be fine. Find a group of people who would do the same for you, and you will always be happy. And if they don’t need enough to keep your giving spirit happy, there will always be needy people around to take your charity.
 
Well, the time single won’t come back, so it’s a good idea to use it before it flies away. There are many things a single person can do that a married one cannot, so why not enjoy those things while one can.

As for giving, I’d say make sure you’re giving what a person needs - sometimes we push gifts on people and we wonder why they aren’t happy. Also, make sure you don’t hold the recipients to undue obligations… Sometimes we try to give gifts in order to oblige people. Make sure you don’t try to conquer young women with gifts in the sense of either buying their graces or obliging them into not rejecting you.

Another thing about giving is, as was said, that a giving person should avoid the natural giver-taker match. A giving person will be happier with another giving person, I think. This probably works on all levels, not just monetary or otherwise material donations or time spent - I suppose it matters a lot in people’s approach to problem solving. I think those who are ready to make sacrifices and adjust so that the other person is happy, those who get out of their way to please the other person, won’t be happy when faced with a “taker” approach, i.e. someone who wants things his way and won’t adjust.

The above is actually one of my chief considerations with women. I don’t consider myself an example of generosity, but I have a strong sense of justice and a sense of compassion that I’m sometimes “compelled” to act on. When I have a girlfriend who e.g. wants me to be ready when she has the time to meet, but who will not make significant adjustments to spend time with me, or will cancel on me so she can have more time for friends or other things too often, then I’m not happy and it won’t work. When I see a girl’s needs or problems or what-have-you and act on it but she won’t really get out of her way to think about mine, then the relationship is asymmetrical in my eyes and I suffer from being in it. Firstly, it hurts me that this kind of thing happens to me. Secondly, it hurts me that I am in some kind of unjust relations. I become disenchanted and the relationship begins to cost me physically. People may enjoy being “assertive”, but I don’t buy it. One’s got to see beyond what’s convenient and get out of his way from time to time. That’s what a society relies on - not some form of compromise between egoistic pursuits.

Obviously, the above also applies to me, so sometimes I must just accept that a person doesn’t feel the same way. I suppose you must accept that some women don’t have the kind of urge you have to honour them, care for them, please them, regardless if you’re looking for a relationship there or not. On the other hand, while people have that right, you have your rights too and you have the right not to put up with some things in your relationships and not to enter into relationships which will make you unhappy.

As was also pointed out above, perhaps you’re looking at the wrong kind of girls as your possible matches. Perhaps see what kind of girls is attracted to you? Or with what kind of girl you’d make a good match? If that’s not the same as who you’re attracted to, then maybe you need to revise a couple of things.

And I would say relax a bit. Live your life for God and for itself, enjoy it, don’t subject it to the single purpose of finding or convincing a girl - or it will go away and you’ll be worn out before you notice. Enjoy your friendships and acquaintances, meet people, don’t jump into things head on… …too much. (;)). Generally, live. Take a deep breath. Smell the roses. Relax. Cheer up. Don’t be tense. Don’t be angsty. Don’t waste opportunities to talk to ladies, but don’t turn them into pointless pursuits either.

As for girls, avoid thinking she owes you something, she does wrong in not going out with you or in not returning your affections or in not entering into a relationship with you regardless of the lack of affection.

Yourself, you don’t do any wrong in falling for a girl, giving her hints or telling her wat you feel. Sometimes the answers you get will make you feel like you’re accosting them, molesting them, being rude, whatever. That’s not the case. People are just uneasy when they don’t return someone’s affections and that may result in being rude or awkward in behaviour. Don’t take it against them, but don’t take it against yourself either.

When the right one will come I don’t know, but it doesn’t hurt to pray. I’ve bugged a lot of Saints…
 
And, by the way, use the opportunity to grow. Be a better husband, a better father, a better provider, a better listener, a better whatever. Don’t drive yourself crazy, but there’s always something to work on and perhaps you need to do that before God will send that girl your way - that is, if it happens that way (I have a bit of a problem seeing God as a matchmaker). Personally, I’m convinced that so far, while things have been so not working out for me, I’ve basically not been ready for it, so ultimately it’s probably been better this way. In your case I don’t know, but I guess it won’t hurt to study, acquire skills, build relationships with people, develop some hobbies or other interests, pray, grow in faith, whatever else makes you grow as a person.
 
Thank you all for your responses.

I know how and when to give…I work with youth. And if anyone has worked with youth you understand what I mean.

There have been a few things I notice when reading and writing back.
  1. (This is a big one it seems) Remove expectations (even from the givers) <actually part of my personal revelation a couple of weeks ago.
  2. Treat everyone the same. < I tend to give more to people I like.
  3. Just be happy.
As for changing dating types
I have a very basic definition for her; she has to looking to God. She has to put him first and foremost.

Thank you all again,
God Humble servant,
John A.H.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top