A broken will.

[ggueths]

I have fallen far in my life. And by the grace of God I at least have the desire to crawl back up. This desire, I fear, is breaking me. In my past I led a life of absolute depravity. Addicted to alcohol, cocaine, and a large list of other illegal drugs. Unlike the addicts I’ve heard tell of I never hit bottom. I just kept falling. I was able to manage my life with constant evasion and a terribly strong will to be my own god. I could have gone on forever. Content. Happy. But God would not allow it. I was pulled, quite illogically, to the Catholic Church. I have always been a fairly intelligent person and the thrill of learning took hold. I poured my entire mind into all of the great things the Church has to offer. Soon to follow my mind came my heart and soul. I desired to give everything of myself to this God I now wanted to know. With a simple act of will and the grace of God I abandoned my old and comfortable life. Without one relapse I ended my relationship with drugs and alcohol. I have made so many strides on what I believe to be the true and perfect path. But it feels I am fading away. What once was a stumbling block has grown into what seems like a wall. I was able to turn my back on a life of addiction and vice. With one exception. Sexuality. Even in this area I have come far. I have ceased my lifestyle of freely engaging in sexual intercourse and commited myself to the woman I am now engaged to marry in May 2010. Though not a catholic she has been more than supportive in my decisions to not live together or engage in sexual intercourse until marriage. The problem however is masturbation. Both the so called “mutual masturbation” with my fiance and by myself. I have been trying to amend my life to the teachings of the church but it is not working. The year in front of me until marriage feels like an infinite void. Constant prayer, fasting, and weekly confession has left me where I am today. Broken. I can not live with the idea that I am engaging in mortal sin. And I can not break this addiction. God has helped me through so much and I can’t stand the feelings I am going through. I can not bear the weight of this. I need help and my search is destroying me.

 

[ForwardProgress]

That’s pretty powerful stuff my friend. It is also a testament to how tough this addiction is to break.

Some people don’t have trouble breaking from this act, and have this arrogance that if they can refrain from it, it should be no problem for anyone. Your testimony proves otherwise, and I hope those who think it is ‘oh so easy’ to not do this see how difficult this can be, and why some may have objections to what the Church teaches despite being faithful in all other areas.

It takes time to grow in holiness, and the struggle is what really matters, not the true successes and failures. As many a priest has told me before on this issue…‘Don’t be so hard on yourself!’ If the other areas in your life are love and faith-filled, just give yourself time to grow/get out of this habit. Even if it takes a decade.

God bless you!

 

[GraceDK]

I have fallen far in my life. And by the grace of God I at least have the desire to crawl back up. This desire, I fear, is breaking me. In my past I led a life of absolute depravity. Addicted to alcohol, cocaine, and a large list of other illegal drugs. (…)and commited myself to the woman I am now engaged to marry in May 2010. Though not a catholic she has been more than supportive in my decisions to not live together or engage in sexual intercourse until marriage. The problem however is masturbation. Both the so called “mutual masturbation” with my fiance and by myself. I have been trying to amend my life to the teachings of the church but it is not working. The year in front of me until marriage feels like an infinite void. Constant prayer, fasting, and weekly confession has left me where I am today. Broken. I can not live with the idea that I am engaging in mortal sin. And I can not break this addiction. God has helped me through so much and I can’t stand the feelings I am going through. I can not bear the weight of this. I need help and my search is destroying me.

Brother.

What an amazing testimony! Wow… you give hope to many people. You are a walking gift.
First… I would recommend you to read the small book by C.S. Lewis called “The Screwtabe Letters”. Its about how there is a battle going on about your mind all of the time. The devil will try to tell you not only mean things, lustful things, critizing things, but also useless things, things that make you turn inward.
One example is the feeling of despair. The feeling that if you are not perfect then all is lost…
Do not fall into pride and disillusion about your self… because your purity is not about you… and you were not healed so you could boast, but you were healed so that you can love and love in freedom.
Look. A lot of very pious people swear to remain chaste before marriage and they end up going almost all the way with their fiancee… and it brings so much grief and disappointment, disillusion with one self and shame.

But look forward… this is the moment.
You still have a very, very important gift to give each other. You know that. But you also know that the longer you play with fire the bigger is the risk that you get burned.
So what you gonna do is to make some rules for your self together with each other and start studying why exactly it is that you wanna save the marital embrace for the marital bed.
You need to agree then on these limits/rules of behaviour.
You are no weaker than everyone else.
It might well be your ability to love passionately and be intimate that gets you into trouble. The passion is a gift but be careful it does not turn against you.
It might mean that there is no more meeting each other after 9pm, or even that there be no more kissing…

Its ever so difficult to fight fornication because we, as modern young men and women are so often placed in situations where things can happen if there is even one of the parties whose will is not strong.

You need to realise why you are fighting to be pure…eg. to protect your future bride. She and you will always look back at your experience now and ask your selves: Did we respect each other? Was love overpowered by lust? Did we tempt each other… Even a person will ask him or herself: Why did he/she not protect me? Why did he/she tempt me? There can be a lot of hidden resentment in the future especially among people where there was full knowlege.

Also. You want to be able to tell your children one day that “Me and mom did not have sex untill we got married”. Thats a pretty awesome statement, and you are risking to loose that chance everytime you let things get out of hand. And I dont know if this can help a young man… but we as Christian women are looking for a man who will be the leader of our household… someone who earns our respect and protects us. You got to show that you are worthy of that role already now and take charge in this very difficult situation. Correct me if I am wrong.

I know exactly how difficult it is, especially to stop a ball that is already roling. But I also know what sexual shame does to ones own life and a relationship.
Maybe you need to take a few weeks a part to clear your heads, think and pray. Often our minds get rather clouded when the moment of temptation comes…

But you gotta practice POSITIVE thinking. Read Scripture with your girl friend. Pray together. And know this… nothing can come between you and the love Christ has for you. Okay… thats essential to understand.
You are never alone… He is always with you. Even in the moment of great weakness.
Do not despair.

You are strong and a godly man. You can do the right thing for the sake of love. And even if the unthinkable happens and you fall, you will come to Christ and He will restore you and make all things new, because He is never outdone in mercy and generosity.

Again. You are great. You are a son of the most high. I believe in you. No wonder the devil wants to have a laugh at you and targets your sexuality especially … cause you have a great call on your life.

Grace

 

[Neithan]

Awesome testimony. God’s mercy is so great! And yet he works in mysterious ways. He has ‘brought you up out of Egypt’ and yet has left a ‘thorn in the flesh’ for you. There are spiritual reasons for this; just know that each time you fall and get back up, you are making progress on the road of grace, as each day is one day closer to Judgment. Seek out a good spiritual director (a priest Confessor is always a good choice) who can best advise you on your further path toward holiness.

Your rise from the ashes of addiction into the heights of ascetic self-mastery is truly an inspiring struggle. This last step of course must be the most difficult, but will complete your spiritual resuscitation and reap the greatest rewards. Rest assured that God *does *give you the grace to conquer all sins, and he will give your will the supernatural strength it needs to persevere.

Whatever you do, don’t despair! Pray for hope always.

“*Take to heart the warning of Our Lord: ‘But this kind of sin (impurity) is not overcome but by prayer and fasting.’”
*-St. John Bosco (1815-1888)

God bless!

 

[pentecostbaby]

You have come so far. This is Satan telling you to lose heart and give up. Don’t do it. Jesus wants you with Him more than you can possibly imagine!

Sexual sins are often the hardest to get rid of, because sexuality is such a deep important part of who we are. Your pain and frustration must be overwhelming.

Jesus tells us that the greater the sinner, the greater the claim that sinner has on His mercy. You said that you can’t bear it any more - you don’t have to! Jesus will bear it with you. He will hold you up when you can’t go on.

Pour out your heart to Him. Tell Him all of this that you have told us. When he spoke to St. Faustina, He told her that we should “come to Him like a little child”. He wants to hear every single detail, every single thing. Tell Him all of this. Say the Act of Contrition, and say the Divine Mercy Chaplet. Ask Him for the strength to continue. You have great recourse to His Mercy - throw yourself upon it and ask Him for help. You don’t have to do this alone. I will remember you in my prayers.

 

[Marycruz]

First of all, that was a powerful testimony. You’ve been through a lot, and it’s really amazing that you were able to completely change your life. You should be proud of yourself.

For the habit that is bothering you, pray a lot. Talk to your fiancee about it, so that if you are tempted she can say no. When you are alone and are tempted, think about something else, pray or read the Bible. The more you think about it the harder it is to resist. As soon as the thought comes to your mind, start doing something else. You have the strength in you to stop. Just know that it’s going to be difficult in the beginning, and don’t beat yourself up if you relapse once or twice. What matters is being on the right path, and really wanting to change.

You can do it!

 

[Angels_Unaware]

Wow, what an amazing testimony.

You know what is so utterly amazing about you? You recognize this is a sin, and you are grieved over it! How incredibly powerful is that? A person who lived without any limits at all in his life willing himself through the grace of God to be totally pure.

Incredible. Amazing. I am so proud of you.

The Church does have two tools for you to use, and I suspect if you use them well you will beat this and enter your marriage in a state of grace that God is sure to richly bless. The first tool is confession. Go to confession at least once a week and confess each sin, every time. The second tool is fasting. Begin fasting and saying a novena to your patron saint for purity.

I have another suggestion. Say the rosary every single day and dedicate it to the conversion of your fiance.

 

[Mintaka]

I found it very helpful when tempted to pray this short prayer:

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, help me keep my chastity.”

If nothing else, remembering those three will kinda put you off your original chain of thought.

 

[xAlisonx]

g g u e t h s.
your testimony—your story of how God brought you out of deep darkness and addiction into life, light, healing and hope—is absolutely incredible! what an amazing story of the healing and hope that is in God. i can relate to you only in that my past is also filled with much darkness and pain, only i have never endured any addiction as serious as yours were. i find it absolutely beautiful that God drew you out of addiction into the Truth of the Catholic Faith, and saved you from and healed you of so much, which is exactly what He has done for me. to know that you ended your relationship with drugs and alcohol without a single relapse brings me great joy—your story is truly incredible, and i am so happy beyond words that the darkness of your past has become a memory. of course, from your post, i know that there is still some darkness remaining in your life that has to do with sexuality. just the fact that you have ended your freely sexual lifestyle and completely committed yourself to your fiance is a miracle, and brings so much joy to my heart. the miracle in all of this is the grace of God that has brought you out of darkness and apathy into wanting to please Him—the fact that you are grieving over your sins shows the depth of your love for Him and appreciation of the gravity of sin, so before i say anything else, i want you to know that God is definitely working within your heart and life, and that He is definitely with you in all things, including your current pain.

masturbation is something that many people struggle with, so please don’t feel that you are alone in this. too few people recognize it for the mortal sin that it is, and the fact that you realize what it is and are trying to stop it is a huge step in itself. you should definitely be extremely proud of yourself—while definitely don’t lessen your appreciation of the gravity of sin, please don’t fall into despair over this struggle you are going through. i can only imagine how difficult this must be for you, especially since sexuality is such an essential part of who we are, and the fact that you are trying must be extremely pleasing to God, and i admire you so much for it. my advice to you is to keep trying with all of your being, while praying with all of your heart. keep learning about the teachings of the Church, and continue to work on ending this addiction through fasting and weekly Confession. when you go to Confession, do you talk to the priest about what you are going through? i’m sure that he would be more than happy to pray with you and for you, and to offer you advice and maybe find you some support. please don’t feel that you have to be so ashamed that you can’t talk with the priest about this—i’m sure that he won’t judge you, but will support you as much as he can. i am so sorry beyond words that you are feeling so broken right now, but please know that there is always and forever hope and healing in God. i have been delivered from so much through His healing—homosexuality, self-harm, symptoms of anorexia, suicide—and i know that God will do for you what He has done for me. it has taken me a long time to overcome all of my addictions completely, so please be patient with yourself, and trust in the grace, Mercy and Love of God to help you. i would suggest that you continue to pray, especially the Rosary (theholyrosary.org/) and the Chaplet of Divine Mercy (ewtn.com/Devotionals/mercy/dmmap.htm)), both of which grant beautiful graces to those who pray them. i especially suggest that you pray the Rosary, asking our Blessed Mother for her help in overcoming this addiction, for how can such a loving Mother refuse to grant your request, especially when you are devoted to her? i just know that if you pray the Rosary daily, our Mother will pray with you and for you, and will help you to overcome this completely. i also know that if you cry out to Jesus for His help, hope and healing, He will touch your heart with His Love and restore you from this pain.

your strength, courage, bravery and determination shines through so clearly and beautifully in this post, and i admire you so much for it. you have been through so much, and i am so sorry beyond words for all of the suffering you have endured and are going through now. but please know that i will definitely keep you in my constant thoughts and prayers. you are far from alone in this—there is always help, hope and healing in God. stay strong, stay safe and take care of yourself, and know that if you ever need anything at all, please don’t hesitate to contact me. God bless you!

love,
in the peace and love of Christ,
alison

 

[John_Russell_Jr]

Hi, And welcome to the church. You are another sinner amongst many. Did you know that bad habits acquired whilst a pagan in ignorance are not sins for a period of time when one finds the church and learns it;s wrong. It’s called habitual sin and you must confide an orthodox priest about this. You still need to struggle though. This is a massive global problem in much of the world today. Because of the deluge of pornography and immodesty and erroneous concept of sex in this hedonistic world most people are in a continual state of arousal. Don’t get disheartened. If you struggle, as you say, then God is pleased with you. God knows what weak fallen creatures we all are and is most concerned with how much we struggle. Focus on the struggle, not the sin. Persevere in praying to our Lady for holy puroty and you will eventually get it. When this common thing happens and we keep falling and going to confession we become very humble and charitable. Let God crush your pride and he will fill you with many blessings when the prides gone. Explain the whole situation to your confessor and it’ll make it much easier for you and he’ll be able to help you much better. Pray and fast like you do. Never loathe yourself. you are a son of God. and as such you have been elevated to a great dignity. When we fail God is only concerned with how quick we get back up. Persevere and get to confession and be sure God loves you with all your faults. He is madly in love with you. Hang in there and the problem will go. It requires a lot of training in the virtues aided by Gods grace to overcome sin. Much the same way an olympian must make great sacrifices to win gold. I’ll keep you in my prayers. God bless