A Chaste Homoromantic Relationship

  • Thread starter Thread starter CuriositasEtFidem
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
I know someone who is struggling with this exact same thing, they have been asking me what the Catholic Faith has to say about it, and I really didn’t know what to tell them.

Would it be possible for one of the priests on this forum, @edward_george1 or @InThePew, to weigh in on this? No offense intended to the lay commentators here, but if I could pass on the viewpoint of a priest, it would be very helpful. I don’t think they’d go so far, as to go see a priest themselves.
 
CuriositasEtFidem said:
A very close emotional and personal bond with another human being.
Click to expand...
Given this definition of what you’re after, I’d say it’d be extremely difficult - if not impossible - to avoid any relationship of this kind crossing from a chaste one to an unchaste one given what you’ve said earlier about physical intimacy - while the intimacy you’ve described isn’t necessarily unchaste (or risking crossing that boundary) the romantic aspect is what makes it difficult from other situations. I appreciate that you desire companionship, basically a “life partner”, and while a (chaste) relationship in the way in which you’ve described (separate bedrooms, etc) is morally acceptable, the problem is that you seem to what more than this. What I want to emphasize though is that you are not “mentally ill” or sick". When the Church describes homosexual relations as disordered, it’s meaning in the sense that they go against the natural order of things - not in the sense of a mental illness.
 
Anesti33 said:
It would be an exceptional situation that a man and a woman in an intimate friendship who are cohabiting would be chaste.
Click to expand...
So then the counterargument is also legitimate. Two women or two men cohabitating in an intimate friendship are also unlikely to be chaste.
 
Last edited:
HomeschoolDad said:
I know someone who is struggling with this exact same thing, they have been asking me what the Catholic Faith has to say about it, and I really didn’t know what to tell them.

Would it be possible for one of the priests on this forum, @edward_george1 or @InThePew, to weigh in on this? No offense intended to the lay commentators here, but if I could pass on the viewpoint of a priest, it would be very helpful. I don’t think they’d go so far, as to go see a priest themselves.
Click to expand...
InThePew said:
40.png
CuriositasEtFidem:
A very close emotional and personal bond with another human being.
Click to expand...
Given this definition of what you’re after, I’d say it’d be extremely difficult - if not impossible - to avoid any relationship of this kind crossing from a chaste one to an unchaste one given what you’ve said earlier about physical intimacy - while the intimacy you’ve described isn’t necessarily unchaste (or risking crossing that boundary) the romantic aspect is what makes it difficult from other situations. I appreciate that you desire companionship, basically a “life partner”, and while a (chaste) relationship in the way in which you’ve described (separate bedrooms, etc) is morally acceptable, the problem is that you seem to what more than this. What I want to emphasize though is that you are not “mentally ill” or sick". When the Church describes homosexual relations as disordered, it’s meaning in the sense that they go against the natural order of things - not in the sense of a mental illness.
Click to expand...
Thank you, Father, I’ll pass this on to them. I asked them if they’d like to talk to a priest about this — I know a priest who is very sympathetic to the LGBTQ community (while in no wise condoning gay sex or gay “marriage”, totally orthodox in the Faith) and asked if they’d like to talk to him, but they said they wouldn’t want to do this right now. It’s complicated. (And no, it’s not me. To paraphrase Janet Reno, I’m just an awkward old straight guy who admires women.)
 
Last edited:
AHapka said:
40.png
Anesti33:
It would be an exceptional situation that a man and a woman in an intimate friendship who are cohabiting would be chaste.
Click to expand...
So then the counterargument is also legitimate. Two women or two men cohabitating in an intimate friendship are also unlikely to be chaste.
Click to expand...
Except given the law incidence of homosexuality, they are unlikely to be attracted to each other at all.
 
Hi CuriositasEtFidem. Welcome to the Catholic Answers Forums community! I’m no theologian, but based on my (admittedly imperfect) knowledge of Catholicism, I don’t think the relationship you are describing would be wise. While it might technically not be at odds with Church teaching, it could have the potential to lead you away from God. It’s wonderful to have close friends of the same sex, and I even think that living in a community of women who support one another and grow in the love of God together is a beautiful thing (this is what many nuns do, after all). Even a friendship between two women who live together (while leading fairly separate lives) might be okay. That being said, the kind of exclusive, romantic partnership you are describing would likely not be appropriate because it would too closely mimic marriage. The Church does not denounce same-sex “marriage” solely because of questions of sexual intimacy, but because it lacks the complementarity that can only be found in a union between a man and a woman. Modern society has downplayed the differences between men and women, but the truth is that men possess certain traits that women lack, and vice versa. These differences are part of what makes the partnership between a husband and wife work. The spouses play different, but equally important roles in the family (though this looks slightly different for every couple). Romance, in its purest form, helps a woman be more perfectly feminine and a man more masculine. For example, part of strong masculinity is the desire to protect and lead in a chivalrous, gentle manner. Through his treatment of his wife and children, a man will grow in masculinity. On the other hand, femininity includes having a meek and sweet spirit, and in marriage, this takes the form of lovingly yielding to the direction of one’s husband. This would not be possible in a romantic relationship between two women.

I understand that my answer is controversial, but it is my understanding that it is in accordance with a more traditional Catholic perspective. Feel free to message me individually if you have any other questions–I would love to chat with you!
 
Just a thought on this question - surely romantic feelings and expressions are by their nature only rightly ordered when directed towards a member of the opposite sex? So even though there may be no sexual feelings or acts, the romantic feelings themselves would be disordered? And wouldn’t emotional chastity dictate that expressing such feelings towards someone with whom marriage is impossible is wrong?
 
What are y’all’s thoughts on romantic friendships? I was delighted (I hope that delight is okay) to find that there was a term for what I had in mind. Here’s the Wikipedia article:

Romantic friendship - Wikipedia.

The only thing they mention that I have an issue with is “giving massages, sharing a bed, and co-sleeping” as those things seem more appropriate for a husband and wife.

If I may add something, the emotional and personal support and affection is more important to me than physical things.
 
The problem is that the concept isn’t a Christian or Catholic one. As I said above I think it would be true to say that romantic feelings and actions are designed for expression towards someone of the same sex. What you describe is basically a non-sexually-active homosexual relationship. And whilst that may seem innocent, emotionally, albeit not sexually, it would be a form of unchastity and disordered affections. I know it is a very difficult situation you are in, loneliness is awful, but it is better to be lonely and find rest in the Lord than to enter a sinful relationship, which what you describe would, in my opinion, be.
Seek friendship by all means, though! 🙂
 
Last edited:
It takes a near-perfect human virtue to maintain a low-burn intimacy with someone you are attracted to without it moving further. If you don’t wish to engage in sexual relations with this woman, you should know yourself and your limitations. Maybe you can do it. I wouldn’t be able, I would have to remove myself from the occasion of temptation.
 
Last edited:
If you are asexual, it wouldn’t take any special virtue, since you don’t experience sexual attraction.
 
Last edited:
tuffsmurf said:
If you are asexual, it wouldn’t take any special virtue, since you don’t experience sexual attraction.
Click to expand...
It would take both partners being equally asexual to maintain something like this.

And I would question whether this asexuality is a sign of some physical disorder. People have been treated for lesser hormone imbalances. I know the OP doesn’t feel she is sick, but she hasn’t mentioned consulting a doctor and receiving an all-clear in this regard. I think it would be important to find out (1) if this is a condition based in physiology, (2) if it were treatable or curable (does she want to be cured?) and (3) if it were permanent, or might change at a moment’s notice, as has been mentioned upthread.

It might be a rude surprise if two asexual persons moved in with each other, and two months later, found out they weren’t so asexual anymore.
 
Asexuality is not a disorder, some people just don’t have sexual desires. I actually think that quite a few people who have chosen the monastic/celibate life may be asexual. Why would you want to treat or cure it? It doesn’t typically cause distress nor does it lead to any sinful or problematic behavior.
 
She wrote that she is asexual. I don’t really understand how you can experience romantic feelings without sexual attraction (the asexuals I have known about before didn’t have any or very low interest in romantic relationships at all), but apparently it’s possible?
 
Last edited:
Here we’re starting to get off track a little bit. I sincerely hope I do not sound rude, as that is not at all my intention, but this isn’t about the validity of my sexual or romantic orientation. My asexuality is not something that needs to be cured. There is nothing wrong with me (aside from sin, of course). It causes me absolutely no distress whatsoever, and I am physically healthy in all respects, thanks be to God.
 
I appreciate all of you taking the time to reply to this thread. To redirect us back to our original question, is it sinful for two women to date while remaining chaste? I may visit this thread less frequently, as it isn’t good for my mental health. Please keep in mind that this is a very distressing problem for me.
 
tuffsmurf said:
She wrote that she is asexual. I don’t really understand how you can experience romantic feelings without sexual attraction
Click to expand...
Biologically sexuality and intimacy have different mechanisms and work in different areas of the brain. All mammals don’t even have a similar concept of intimacy while they still have sexuality.

Sexuality focuses on arousal and climax, while intimacy is based on trust and understanding. They both produce pleasant feelings but very different.
 
Last edited:
CuriositasEtFidem said:
To redirect us back to our original question, is it sinful for two women to date while remaining chaste?
Click to expand...
Most of us don’t know anything about the relationship you are describing. But is your situation that you have never experienced a sexual desire in your life and there’d be no chance that the type of relationship you speak of would ever end in a sexual release of any sort?
 
Last edited:
65 replies in, and there doesn’t seem to be any mention of official Church teaching but opinions and assumptions (from both sides).
CuriositasEtFidem said:
The only thing they mention that I have an issue with is “giving massages, sharing a bed, and co-sleeping” as those things seem more appropriate for a husband and wife.

If I may add something, the emotional and personal support and affection is more important to me than physical things.
Click to expand...
The more you describe your thoughts, the more it seems like a deep friendship than anything else. OP, deep and emotional friendships aren’t forbidden by the Church, it’s just difficult to imagine romance without sexual desire as most people here aren’t asexual. Friendships in the past seem romantic today because of cultural norms now. Fr Mike Schmitz has briefly talked about this when he gave a speech about same sex attraction before, when he was talking about someone who asked him if he could have a ‘boyfriend without sex’ but ended up giving a description of a friendship.

My advice would be to seek a priest’s opinion when the time comes to it so you can properly describe what you desire to do with another person, otherwise you’re ruminating over a situation that may not happen.
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top