A convert feeling lost and pulled in many directions

[Lisdogan]

Strangly enough Bpbasilphx,it was what I called a “Gray Matter” conversion to Christianity in general and the Catholic faith in particular. In other words, I studied my way into the faith. At the Easter Vigil when I was confirmed, I prayed that one day my heart would catch up to my brain,I have not really had a conversion of heart, just of mind.

I realize that there are many factors at play with my spiritual dryness, it just seems at it worse while praying the Holy Mass, any other time I feel alive and find myself always talking with God.

I understand what our Lord meant when He said, “Blessed are those who believe without seeing”, but as a struggling convert to the faith, a little “seeing” everynow and then would be helpful. I, like everyone else is on a journey, and with any journey we take, there are “road signs” to help us stay on the true path, I guess I just feel like my road signs where taken down or covered up.

Dear One,

It has helped me greatly to read these postings: I too am what you have called a ‘Grey Matter’ convert, received into the church 30 June last, in Pretoria South Africa. I am not sure that it was right for an anti-authoritarian anarchist liberal Protestant to opt for the Catholic Church, but it has seemed the right thing to do, for a very wide range of reasons.

I understand about the withering of hope and light and even faith at times - I have attended mass daily for about four years before confirmation. And that was without being able to participate in the Eucharist. I know about anger and frustration and the wish to change certain things for what one knows (OK supposes) might be helpful.

I found there were variations I could make that have been hugely helpful in my spiritual quest. Because I know this is a lifetime quest: I know and believe only what I know and believe now, but it will take the rest of a lifetime to find balance, more complete faith, and *, that is trust and abandonment in the Lord, the Beloved in the Beloved, as Henri Nouwen writes.

First, I got a remarkable spiritual advisor, who is also a canon lawyer, our priest in a huge parish with six Sunday services in three languages. Yes, he barked at me several times, but he is as aggressive and provocative as I am, and I know that as a priest he also is committed to personal discipline. We cannot say this of all priests however, and I am sorry for your hurtful experience. It is nevertheless a lesson in discipline for your heart, no?

Then I ventured out to a retreat centre near Pretoria for a private retreat with a retired Bishop who is greatly beloved. He brought me into a completely wonderful sense of sublime love of God, of Jesus the Christ, and has been a faithful friend for several years. Also at the centre, I have had extremely helpful private sessions with a priest who is a Vatican trained spiritual psychologist. We have dealt with matters of the heart, pain and frustration and anger, so that we could move on to greater room for spiritual growth. I also spend time at the retreat (they charge very little for their chalets) privately, and in communion, if I wish, with others who are there for the same reasons. Last time, I was with the Mother Superior of the Scared Heart Sisters from Lesotho, on retreat, an about-to-be ordained young South African, making his last private retreat, and a flakey God-intoxicated but wonderful woman whose every move is dictated by her personal God - as she tells everyone.

I read as much as I can - I burned out from my career in HIV and so have some more time than usual - of great Catholic thinkers like Merton, Nouwen, Vanier, Nolan et al. Let yourself sink into their contemplation of the Christian life, of spirituality, and this will take you away from the rather formal fustiness of church on Sunday, if that is what gets you down occasionally, as it does me. If the homily is not great, reach for a Nouwen book when you get home.

Part of the reason for joining CC, clearly, is the richness of its teaching facilities, its archives, its thinkers, its books, its music and so much more. There is constant access to something that will fulfill you, if something else does not seem to be working at the moment.

Finally, I don’t know if you ever listen to so-called classical music, but putting on Handel’s Messiah in the background, or in the foreground of what I am doing, is a prayer, a blessing and a calming all at once. It is one of the most famous pieces of music in the world, written several centuries ago. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir (just one example - this is music that belongs to the world, written in England) has made a CD of the great choruses from the Messiah, which tells the story of Christ’s life and death, using text from the scriptures in a most beautiful way. Other choirs, especially in the UK, have made CDs also. You will probably have heard the *Halleluiah Chorus *- when it is sung in public all stand in respect for the glory of the music and its message. Try it. It is a miracle and prayer all at once. Glory to God.

I wish you well, and please pray for my quest also,

In Christ*

 

[love4mary]

Lisdogan,

You have mentioned many good and helpful things. I would very much benefit from a retreat, but being a mom of a 15 and 10 year old plus lack of funds keeps me home at this time.

I have inquired at my parish for a Spiritual Director, but our priest has no time as with our deacon. Listening to CD’s and tapes have helped me alot as has reading, but for reasons unknown to me, this only seems to help me when I am at home, but Not in Mass. I suppose its like what another poster pointed out. This may be God’s way of strengthening my faith, to continue to participate and pray the Mass even when I don’t “feel” anything.

I realize that our faith should not and cannot depend on our mear emotions, but I spent about an hour alone with Jesus yesterday in chapel and as I was laying out all my troubles to Him, I asked Him this question. “You have given us everything Lord, you gave us emotions as well, are we not expected to be touched emotionally by You as well during Mass or at any other time of our live? You created things to be in balance, why can’t I balance my brain with my heart?” ,.,.I think I wore Him out with so many questions and problems

One bright spot though, I went to my Sacrastin meeting last night and was told by our priest that the Mass I serve was the smoothest of all the Masses, it made me feel good knowing I was doing a good job. I love being the sacrastin, its my way of being alone with Jesus on Sundays before anyone arrives and I feel that although I cannot afford to support my parish with $$$. I can give of my love and time. Its only when the rest start coming that I fall back into my sad and empty feelings.

 

[Lisdogan]

Lisdogan,

You have mentioned many good and helpful things. I would very much benefit from a retreat, but being a mom of a 15 and 10 year old plus lack of funds keeps me home at this time.

 

[elts1956]

Thank you for your response SuscipeMedomine,

It seems only at Mass do I have these feelings. In part it was due to an exchange I had with my Mass Coordinator (he oversees all the Masses, I am a Sacrastin–he is my immeditate boss),he accused me of “Praying like a fundy” because at one Mass, I was so into praying that I had my hands only Slightly raised.

When I pray away from Mass, I am most always spiritually fed. I pray the Rosary daily and feel that that is when God speaks to my heart the most. I am energized when I study my faith and speak to others about my Catholic faith, its only at Mass do I feel this emptiness. This is in part to the fact that I believe that we should pray as a Community and not as a group of individuals.

Charismatic Masses are offered in my diocese but are to far away for me to attend, due mostly to the gas prices and the times they are offered. As a convert, I am eager to experience other types of Holy Masses, Charismatic as well as Traditional Latin Masses, I have even learned the Angelic Salutation (Hail Mary) and the Pater Noster (Our Father).

This will sound strange, but I “feel” more Catholic Away from Church then I do In Church on Sunday morning.

I will always attend Holy Mass (God willing), but for me there just seems to be something missing. When I try and talk about the faith at Church, I will hear from others that “My faith is a personal thing” and so they do not want to dialog. Bible Study (I worked almost a year to get it into my parish) was a failed endever, 14 or less showed in a parish where 650 attend every Sunday for Mass. The next year, bible study was not even offered.

Maybe I will take a day off from being the Sacrastin and make the drive to a parish where a Charismatic Mass is offered. But what if THIS Mass is where I belong

I had never heard the term “grey matter Catholic” before, but after reading your posts and the one’s of lisdogan, I think perhaps I have been one such most of my Catholic Life. Going to Mass felt like rote memory. Then I discovered this site:http/net/~mikesch/DouayCat.htm#chapter%2022 or google The Douay Catechism of 1649
by Henry Tuberville, D.D. I had gone to Mass for over 50 years and didn’t know what I was participating in. This site gives the meaning behind the priest’s movement and rituals done at the Mass. I think perhaps if you were to meditate on a couple of these the next time you attend Mass, you may be pleasantly surprised.