A deepening spiritual depression

[xAlisonx]

i would just like to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart who has taken the time to give such amazing responses to my posts.

to update you, when it comes to the situation with my friend, we’ve decided that: 1) after figuring out that the demon became silent and much less bold around Christmas, we want whatever solution is decided to take place closer to Easter, which is, along with Christmas, the best time for an exorcism, if that’s what needs to be done; 2) we will continue to pray and hope for help for my friend until the time comes; 3) when my pastor comes to visit my house sometime in january (he is an absolutely amazing man who i am very close with, and i have some questions about Catholicism that i’d like to discuss with him), i plan to bring up the issue with him, and hopefully get a process of healing started. until then, i appreciate all of you who are keeping my friend (who i have to keep anonymous for privacy reasons) and me in your thoughts and prayers, and ask that you please continue. the demon actually told my friend that it would prefer not to talk with me, which is absolutely fine with me. i don’t know if it still wants to attack me, or if it’s given up, but i do know that no matter what happens, i will stay completely safe under the protection of our Heavenly Father, our Blessed Mother and St. Michael the Archangel.

i’d also like to update all of you when it comes to the process of how i’m gradually but surely coming to truly love Mary, our Mother. i have been praying devotions, litanies and many prayers to her, and i definitely feel my heart for her growing. when i saw a beautiful painting of her on here that someone posted in another thread, (i wish i could remember it so that i could give you credit!) i was astounded, and felt immediately that’s how i picture her, full of love and beauty, and i immediately began to love her more in that instant. i am much more comfortable with the idea of praying to her, and i’ve asked for her protection and intercession. i have no doubt that she will help me and is helping me right now, and my friend as well. i know that it’s not possible to become “too” close to Mary, for she leads us to Jesus, so i’m not afraid of that. i truly do love her now, so my goal is not to try to love her more out of fear, but even more out of devotion.

inside, underneath it all, i’m silently screaming, and i don’t know what to do to feel better. i know i have to give it up to Jesus, and i definitely plan to do that. i just don’t know why this is happening to me, or why it happens so often, and why i have to be this way. right now, i don’t feel well at all. i feel guilty because of the times when i sleep instead of pray at night, which is the only time i have for God. i feel ashamed for all of the ways that i constantly neglect Him and my salvation—miserable sinner that i am, how can i be saved without prayer? i feel broken because i feel like i’m not good enough to be a saint, like i’ll never be holy, like i’m worthless and pathetic and useless to God. (sounds rather familiar … the demon told me i was worthless and pathetic … and now i’m using the words myself. maybe i subconsciously allowed them to get to me, and now they’re manifesting in this depression? i don’t know what factors are going into this, all i know is that it hurts terribly, and i don’t know how to make it better.) i’m terrified of Purgatory again, and i’m terrified of death now as well, for i know that suffering to be purified would immediately follow my death. i’m not good enough for Heaven. i’m not good enough for anything. i must be such a disappointment to Jesus. i tire myself out writing evangelical letters to friends, but never find the motivation to finish them. my heart is broken for my friends and family who are either lukewarm or on their way to Hell, and i don’t pray for them enough. my heart is broken for myself, and for all the ways i’m not good enough for God or holiness or sainthood. i struggle with pride, with neglecting my salvation, with constant twisted thoughts and curses in my head that i can’t control (which may be part of my OCD), i condemn myself for my many, many sins and can’t see myself ever being a productive or even worth-something Catholic.

i feel like all the sins i’ve ever committed over the course of my lifetime are being shoved into my face and screaming. i feel like God loves people who are special and do great things for Him more than He could ever love me. i feel like curling up and crying and just giving up the path to holiness, because i feel like i could never make it with so many sins, weaknesses and worthless parts of me. i feel like screaming. please help me. i don’t know what to do. i get like this sometimes, and i don’t know why. i know that many of the thoughts in my head are lies, but at the same time, i feel that they are the truth. if i’m as blessed as people say i am, i shouldn’t be like this. i feel like i’m a liar and a fake when i smile and act like the “good passionate Christian girl” when i have a secret life of worthlessness and neglect. for Christmas, i want to give Jesus all of myself—but right now, i feel like that would be the worst gift ever to give someone. He deserves so much better than me.

i’d really appreciate it if all of you could keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and if you could give me any advice on how to get through this, coming from your own experiences or just from what you know. my faith in God is still as strong as ever, and i still love Jesus with all that i am and have. it’s my faith in myself that’s slowly dying. thank you so much—i have faith that i will find even more support and comfort on here than i already have through your responses to this. God bless you all—stay strong, stay safe and take care of yourselves.

love,
in the peace and love of Christ,
alison xx

 

[Trishie]

i

inside, underneath it all, i’m silently screaming, and i don’t know what to do to feel better. i know i have to give it up to Jesus, and i definitely plan to do that. i just don’t know why this is happening to me, or why it happens so often, and why i have to be this way. right now, i don’t feel well at all. i feel guilty because of the times when i sleep instead of pray at night, which is the only time i have for God. i feel ashamed for all of the ways that i constantly neglect Him and my salvation—miserable sinner that i am, how can i be saved without prayer? i feel broken because i feel like i’m not good enough to be a saint, like i’ll never be holy, like i’m worthless and pathetic and useless to God. (sounds rather familiar … the demon told me i was worthless and pathetic … and now i’m using the words myself. maybe i subconsciously allowed them to get to me, and now they’re manifesting in this depression? i don’t know what factors are going into this, all i know is that it hurts terribly, and i don’t know how to make it better.) i’m terrified of Purgatory again, and i’m terrified of death now as well, for i know that suffering to be purified would immediately follow my death. i’m not good enough for Heaven. i’m not good enough for anything. i must be such a disappointment to Jesus. i tire myself out writing evangelical letters to friends, but never find the motivation to finish them. my heart is broken for my friends and family who are either lukewarm or on their way to Hell, and i don’t pray for them enough. my heart is broken for myself, and for all the ways i’m not good enough for God or holiness or sainthood. i struggle with pride, with neglecting my salvation, with constant twisted thoughts and curses in my head that i can’t control (which may be part of my OCD), i condemn myself for my many, many sins and can’t see myself ever being a productive or even worth-something Catholic.

i feel like all the sins i’ve ever committed over the course of my lifetime are being shoved into my face and screaming. i feel like God loves people who are special and do great things for Him more than He could ever love me. i feel like curling up and crying and just giving up the path to holiness, because i feel like i could never make it with so many sins, weaknesses and worthless parts of me. i feel like screaming. please help me. i don’t know what to do. i get like this sometimes, and i don’t know why. i know that many of the thoughts in my head are lies, but at the same time, i feel that they are the truth. if i’m as blessed as people say i am, i shouldn’t be like this. i feel like i’m a liar and a fake when i smile and act like the “good passionate Christian girl” when i have a secret life of worthlessness and neglect. for Christmas, i want to give Jesus all of myself—but right now, i feel like that would be the worst gift ever to give someone. He deserves so much better than me.

love,
in the peace and love of Christ,
alison xx

 

[Trishie]

Our dear Alison
I hope that you are receiving treatment for your OCD.

Alison, you don’t have to try so hard to be a saint. We can’t make ourselves saints, only God can, and holiness is lived simply. Loving God, being kind to others. You need to have that sleep, think of God smiling at you as you sleep just as a parent gazes lovingly at a sleeping child. Be authentic but simple. Don’t keep judging yourself. You judge and assess yourself so much more harshly that God ever will. God knows who you are, what your limitations are, how much you can and can’t handle, and He accepts and loves who you are.

It isn’t a demon in your head it’s the illness talking. That is very painful and must be hard to put up with. Your sins that are forgiven…let them go. God has. As for those to whom you write evangelical letters that you don’t finish, for one, the Lord is also aware of their state and His means for their eventual salvation, and if you fail to finish and send the letters this may be God’s way of protecting you from some misjudgements. These people need your prayers, but evangelical letters are sometimes inclined to get people’s backs up and send them further from God.

Please be as gentle and kind to yourself as God wises you to be. Jesus said, "Love others as you love yourself

God bless you, Dear.

Trishie

 

[AveSantaMaria]

Dear Alison, you seem to suffer so much! I read once (alas can’t remember where in my ignorance or exactly how it goes) that a Saint once said that those who suffer a lot when young are being especially transformed/purified by God to be saints later in life. Maybe I am mistaken but St. Therese of Liseux once said that she might have committed suicide if it weren’t for her faith. After her father, Blessed Louis Martin, was confined in an insane asylum, perhaps I read that she uttered these words, "Jesus isn’t doing much to keep the conversation going." However, when she died at the age of 24 of tuberculosis in a Carmelite convent, she is reported to have uttered these words on her death-bed, “I have reached the point of not being able to suffer any more because all suffering is sweet to me.” Maybe her autobiography or other writings of hers might help you to understand how she came to this grace.

Autobiography of St. Therese of Liseux: **The Story of a Soul ** gutenberg.org/etext/16772

The Teaching of St. Therese of Liseux on Purgatory: catholic.com/library/Proving_Inspiration.asp

Maybe St. Mary Faustina’s Diary: Divine Mercy in My Soul saint-faustina.com/Diary/DMIMS13.shtml also might help.

1. On the evening of the last day before my departure from Vilnius, an elderly sister revealed the condition of her soul to me. She said that she had already been suffering interiorly for several years, that it seemed to her that all her confessions had been bad, and that she had doubts as to whether the Lord Jesus had forgiven her. I asked her if she had ever told her confessor about this. She answered that she had spoken many times about this to her confessors and… “the confessors are always telling me to be at peace, but still I suffer very much, and nothing brings me relief, and it constantly seems to me that God has not forgiven me.” I answered, “You should obey your confessor, Sister, and be fully at peace, because this is certaintly a temptation.”

But she entreated me with tears in her eyes to ask Jesus if He had forgiven her and whether her confessions had been good or not. I answered forcefully, “Ask Him yourself, Sister, if you don’t believe your confessors!” But she clutched my hand and did not want to let me go until I gave her an answer, and she kept asking me to pray for her and to let her know what Jesus would tell me about her. Crying bitterly, she would not let me go and said to me, “I know that the Lord Jesus speaks to you, Sister.” Since she was clutching my hand and I could not wrench myself away, I promised her I would pray for her. In the evening, during Benediction, I heard these words in my soul: Tell her that her disbelief wounds My heart more than the sins she committed. When I told her this, she began to cry like a child, and great joy entered her soul. I understood that God wanted to console this soul through me. Even though it cost me a good deal, I fulfilled God’s wish.

Maybe it is also important to experience God’s love in addition to self-sacrificingly spreading it to others. The great encyclicial of the wonderful His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI Love Conquers All vatican.va/holy_father/benedict_xvi/encyclicals/documents/hf_ben-xvi_enc_20051225_deus-caritas-est_en.html

talks about the two types of love eros and agape. Agape is the self-sacrificing love, but Pope Gregory II in his Pastoral Rule tells us the good pastor must be rooted in contemplation and eros is the receiving love. His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI tells us that man cannot always give, he must also receive. Anyone who wishes to give love must also receive love as a gift. Moses did this whenever he entered in the tabernacle, and we can do this through contemplation. I have no idea whatsoever how to teach contemplation, but maybe and hopefully someone wiser than I can help you in this regard. Maybe we can pray the Rosary that you will receive the grace of happiness, for as Jesus told St. Mary Faustina, “the inner peace you have is a grace.” Section #674, saint-faustina.com/Diary/DMIMS14.shtml

May the Holy Spirit through the Immaculate Heart of Mary grace us with the gifts that we most desperately need! May the LOVE and MERCY of the Sacred Heart of Jesus be known, believed, loved, glorified, adored, venerated, and respected both now and forever, all the time, in all places, by all persons!! May the WONDERS of the Immaculate Heart of Mary be known, believed, loved, respected, and venerated for all time, in all creation, by all people! AMEN!! AMEN!! AMEN!!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse.

For the sake of his sorrowful intercession, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world!

O Mary, concieved without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee!
Sorrowful and Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

 

[AveSantaMaria]

Perhaps if a wiser than I person on this forum cannot teach you contemplation in his or her posts you might consider reading from the saints who mastered it. St. Teresa of Avila apparently experienced different degrees of Heaven on earth according to her book Interior Castle and reached the highest degree of Heaven attainable on earth, the mystical marriage.

P.S. St. John of the Cross was St. Teresa of Avila’s spiritual director. She established a reformed Carmelite order and recruited him to help. St. Therese of Liseux was a later member of the Carmelites. Mother Teresa was born Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu but renamed herself after St. Therese of Lisuex and many of her writings are very similar to St. Therese of Liseux’s autobiography

P.P.S. Maybe perpetual Eucharistic adoration helps me. Might try to keep this browser window open as much as possible, maybe as a separate homepage all the time even. louisville-catholic.net/WebCameras/AdorationChapel/tabid/825/Default.aspx

P.P.P.S. I once experienced an ectasy a few days after many many hours of deep prayer that was so wonderful that it convinced me of God’s love for me and I might doubt it now deeply since I have committed a bucketload of sins if I hadn’t experienced it so I deeply recommend intense Marian prayer when you are suffering, even if it is nothing more than laying in bed and repeating “Hail Mary, Saint Mary” for hours when you are struggling continuously.

P.P.P.P.S Maybe I am wrong, but the themes in the movie Dark Knight - by the way, don’t recommen seeing this if you are in a sensitive state of mind as it could cause a total collapse - come from the book Dark Night of the Soul by St. John of the Cross, deeper and deeper suffering and purification until one might be completely alone but one has also defeated the enemy’s plans through one’s suffering and Gotham city is saved through your Christ like, crucifixion like, suffering!! Maybe one could say in times of intense suffering, “Jesus, I endure this for you,” as St. Mary Faustina would do.

Another St. Therese of Liseux “Far more by suffering and persecution than by eloquent discourses does Jesus wish to build his Kingdom.”

Selected Writings of St. John of the Cross
Ascent of Mount Carmel: ccel.org/ccel/john_cross/ascent.ii.vii.html
Dark Night of the Soul: ccel.org/ccel/john_cross/dark_night.html
Spiritual Canticle: karmel.at/ics/john/cn.html
The Living Flame of Love: karmel.at/ics/john/fl.html

**Selected Writings of St. Teresa of Avila **
The Way of Perfection: catholicfirst.com/TheFaith/CatholicClassics/StTeresa/way/wayofperfection.cfm
The Life of St. Teresa of Avila: catholicfirst.com/TheFaith/CatholicClassics/StTeresa/life/teresaofavila.cfm
The Way of Perfection catholicfirst.com/TheFaith/CatholicClassics/StTeresa/way/wayofperfection.cfm
Interior Castle: sacred-texts.com/chr/tic/index.htm

Remember, the greatest attributes of Christ are LOVE and MERCY according to St. Mary Faustina’s Diary and there is a feast day of MERCY after Easter where I think (and I may be wrong in my stupidity and ignorance) all of one’s sins can be forgiven and punishment remitted. One of the Church Fathers, St. Jerome might not have even been sure that Hell actually will exist for all eternity. Maybe even that comes to an end.

May YOU experience the love, mercy, wisdom, and happiness of the Child Jesus deeply and fully throughout this Christmas season. May the Holy Spirit through the Immaculate Heart of Mary speedily grant you the graces that you have humbly requested and desperately need! May the LOVE and MERCY of the Sacred Heart of Jesus be known, adored, glorified, venerated, believed, loved, and respected now and always, everywhere, forevermore, by all people!! May the WONDERS of the Immaculate Heart of Mary be known, respected, believed, venerated, loved, and honored in all creation, by all, at all times! AMEN!! AMEN!! AMEN!!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse.

For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world!

O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee!
Sorrowful and Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

 

[AveSantaMaria]

I know certain men for whom the king of Nineveh, (who is the last to hear the proclamation and who descends from his throne, and forgoes the ornaments of his former vices and dressed in sackcloth sits on the ground, he is not content with his own conversion, preaches penitence to others with his leaders, saying, "let the men and beasts, big and small of size, be tortured by hunger, let them put on sackcloth, condemn their former sins and betake themselves without reservation to penitence!) is the symbol of the devil, who at the end of the world, (because no spiritual creature that is made reasoning by God will perish), will descend from his pride and do penitence and will be restored to his former position. To support this opinion they use this example of Daniel in which Nebuchadnezzar after seven years of penitence is returned to his fomer reign. But because this idea is not in the Holy Scripture and since it completely destroys fear of God (for men will slide easily into vices if they believe that even the devil, the creator of wickedness and the source of all sins can be saved if he does penitence), we must eradicate this from our spirits.

Maybe we have no idea whether St. Jerome is wrong or not unless Christ reveals it to us - but Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed even though Ninevah was saved (though its sins were destroyed so God did keep his word in a sense just like he might have kept his word when he asked Abraham to sacrifice his son Issac, rescued him with a lamb and then had Mary sacrifice th Lamb of God, Jesus Christ) , so there might be a tiny bit of reason to hope that he might perhaps know something of the truth. litteralchristianlibrary.wetpaint.com/page/Jonah+Chapter+3

Another thought - maybe you might need to seek a spiritual director to know the will of God in the self-sacrificing situations in your life. My priest told me to ask for direction before I do anything self-sacrificing and that it is true that we should have no self-will so I am now trying to request a spiritual director from a local Carmelite order, maybe you might try this as well and perhaps a woman director might help. Who knows.

May the LOVE and MERCY of the Sacred Heart of Jesus be adored, glorified, venerated, adored, believed, respected, and loved in all creation, by all souls, forever and ever!! May the WONDERS of the Immaculate Heart of Mary be respected, venerated, believed, and loved throughout creation, by all souls, everywhere!! May the Holy Spirit through the Immaculate Heart of Mary grace us with the graces we most desperately need, particularly inner peace and happiness and knowledge of the perfect will of God in all situations!! AMEN!! AMEN!! AMEN!!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse.

For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world!

O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee!
Sorrowful and Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

 

[xAlisonx]

Our dear Alison
I hope that you are receiving treatment for your OCD.

Alison, you don’t have to try so hard to be a saint. We can’t make ourselves saints, only God can, and holiness is lived simply. Loving God, being kind to others. You need to have that sleep, think of God smiling at you as you sleep just as a parent gazes lovingly at a sleeping child. Be authentic but simple. Don’t keep judging yourself. You judge and assess yourself so much more harshly that God ever will. God knows who you are, what your limitations are, how much you can and can’t handle, and He accepts and loves who you are.

It isn’t a demon in your head it’s the illness talking. That is very painful and must be hard to put up with. Your sins that are forgiven…let them go. God has. As for those to whom you write evangelical letters that you don’t finish, for one, the Lord is also aware of their state and His means for their eventual salvation, and if you fail to finish and send the letters this may be God’s way of protecting you from some misjudgements. These people need your prayers, but evangelical letters are sometimes inclined to get people’s backs up and send them further from God.

Please be as gentle and kind to yourself as God wises you to be. Jesus said, "Love others as you love yourself

God bless you, Dear.

Trishie

t r i s h i e.
thank you so much, trishie, for taking the time to read and to respond.

yes, i am receiving treatment for my OCD and the rest of my mental illness, which i only feel if i don’t take my medication. it’s terribly hard to live with - especially the repetitive twisted thoughts and curses that feel like sins that i can’t control. but after doing some thinking, i’ve decided to offer all of my pain - including my OCD and other mental illnesses - up to Jesus, and to think of my suffering as a way to grow closer to Him, to holiness and to Heaven. my mental illness is probably the Cross i’m meant to bear, and so i will pray for the grace to bear it patiently and courageously, in peace and strength.

i honestly don’t know why i try so hard to become a Saint. it’s truly not because i want extra glory in Heaven - i promise you that it’s not because of anything like that. maybe it’s because i’m a perfectionist, maybe i’m subconsciously trying to make up for all the horrible ways i offended God when i was caught up in darkness for two and a half years. but it’s probably because i love Him so much more than words could ever express for all that He is and all that He has done for me, and i want to do all things in Him and for His glory, and reach out to others to inspire them as an example of grace and light. i pray constantly that God will lead me down the path to holiness and make me a Saint, and so i decide in this moment to trust that He will answer my prayer in His Own time and way, according to His perfect Will. i do love God with all my heart, and i try my best to be kind to others, but i don’t feel that i do enough. then again, i don’t have a lot of opportunities, but as soon as i graduate from high school i plan to really step it up when it comes to my faith and what opportunities i pursue. (right now, my life is obviously extremely limited when it comes to how i can live out my faith and how i can reach out to others.) i honestly will rearrange my nightly schedule so that i have time for prayer, rosaries, Bible reading, etc., but also get some sleep as well. i do judge myself harshly - maybe it’s because of my symptoms of scrupulosity, which may be related to my OCD. whatever the reason, i will pray for the grace to believe in God’s forgiveness and mercy, and not to fear judgement - or Purgatory - anymore.

yes, i definitely know what it’s like to drive people further away from God with letters … the thing is, i feel strong urges to write these letters to people, and i usually trust my urges because they are almost always from God. because Jesus told us to bring all men unto Him, i don’t feel that we are called only to prayer, but to actively evangelizing - maybe it’s the evangelical side of me still coming out. (trust me, though, i’ve gone from handing out ‘Your Ticket to Heaven’ tracts to explaining the Catholic Faith to others.)

i will definitely pray for the grace to be kind and patient with myself, and to treat myself as God wants me to. just when i think that all of my issues are resolved, something brings them back up again - maybe God is trying to tell me that i need to surrender myself and my past to Him more. i will pray for the grace to do this, and i would really appreciate your prayers as well. thank you so much, trishie, for reading and responding. i truly appreciate it. God bless you - stay strong, and stay safe, and take care of yourself.

love,
in the peace and love of Christ,
alison xx

 

[Epistemes]

Hi Allison,

I read your post last night but am only getting a chance to respond this morning when I’m not so tired and am able to this more fluidly.

You know, you and I are alot alike. I don’t suffer from OCD, but I am a rather obsessive person. I don’t feel the need to wash my hands dozens of times or avoid lines on the sidewalk, etc., but I tend to be rather single-minded in my interests, such as preferring to read all the books ever written by Pope Benedict XVI, or preferring to only wear black, or preferring to only listen to music by such-and-such musician. Most of what I know and don’t know is due to my obsessive behaviors over the past few years.

Do you know what *shalom *means? *Shalom *means peace – but it’s more than the absence of conflict or wars or anger or disagreement: it’s a peace which acknowledges that everything is as it ought to be. It can be difficult for us to accept that such is true, if we don’t accept that everything is as it ought to be, and if we don’t let the Kingdom of God reign in our hearts, then there will never be an absence of wars or conflict.

You and I are alot alike in another area too: I like writing long letters to people trying to persuade them to come back to Christ. For instance, just the other day I was visiting WhyIslam.org, an old website I used to visit back in the day before I was banned for my (unfortunately) unChristian behavior. I got to reading the section on the forum for people who are seriously considering converting to Islam, and I came across a post by a guy in his mid-30s who has more or less defected from the Church, stating that he could not believe in the divinity of Christ much less the Real Presence. What shocked me is that his wife is currently going through RCIA in order to become Catholic and his son is preparing to receive First Communion. Oh, how I wished that I could just privately message him and convince him that he is making a horrible decision, not just for his soul, but for his marriage! (How many marriages I’ve seen split up as a result of someone converting to or away from Islam, I no longer know.) But I couldn’t. I’ve been banned. So, I did all that I could and should do, I prayed for him.

Are you aware that the Carthusian monks do not actively evangelize in the manner we’re so familiar with – that is, by word of mouth? No, these monks spend their whole life in silence and in prayer, praying for the conversion of the world, because they acknowledge that it is only God who can change hearts.

Lastly, you and I are alot alike in the sense that I too try oh so hard to be a saint. Just search for any of my past threads here recently and you will read about someone who tries so desperately to be a perfect Catholic Christian that he’s made his life into a living hell at times! It wasn’t until my pastor told me that God’s love couldn’t be quantified – meaning that no number of devotions could compensate for truly loving God and allowing one’s self to be loved by God – that I began to simplify my life in terms of devotions. Whereas I used to pray the Liturgy of the Hours, pray the rosary, pray various litanies throughout the day, try to actively live the consecration to Mary, try to read the Bible each and every day in addition to reading about the saints, I’ve decided that it’s time to simplify my life in terms of devotions, choosing only a few and allowing myself to *trust *in the mercy of God. Such isn’t easy, but I constantly look toward saints such as St. Francis or St. Gemma who owned so little and practiced only a few weekly devotions.

I only wanted to mention all of this to you in order to show you that you’re not alone, so I hope you never feel alone. Both of us, you and I, just need to trust that the Big Man Upstairs has it all under control, and then will be able to experience the *shalom *he intends for us to have!

God bless you!

 

[Fran65]

Alison,
You are in my prayers.
God Bless

 

[xAlisonx]

A v e S a n t a M a r i a.
thank you so much, AveSantaMaria, for taking the time to read and to respond. you have helped me so much in each and every one of my posts, and been such an inspiration and encouragement to me, and i admire you so much. your links and resources are absolutely incredible, and with all of my heart, i truly appreciate that you have taken the time to type out long posts that include them.

now that i think about it, this current time in my life does seem to be a season of suffering, which usually precedes a season of change, transformation and “growing up” in my spiritual life. my heart is breaking, and i don’t know what to do or what to feel – just as i started to feel better yesterday, i’m back to crawling in the dirt again today. my emotions are all over the place and i’m feeling spiritually low, broken and worthless. useless. i know that God will bring good from this - He always does, as i’ve gone through this countless times before. i just don’t know if my sins have finally caught up with me or if this is a season of purifying.

your statement about being especially purified struck me, considering my life story that involves extremely severe depression at the age of twelve, self-harm beginning at the age of twelve, homosexuality beginning at the age of twelve and much agony and heartache before my suicide attempt at age fourteen, and continued depression until Jesus saved me at the age of fifteen. i have also suffered many attacks from the darkness since i became a Christian again, and i constantly go through seasons of suffering. i do sense an extremely heavy and important calling on my life - if only i could discern what it is. i’ve only told one person this, and i never thought that i would reveal it on the Internet, but i’ve grown comfortable enough on here to feel that i won’t be judged or laughed at. i actually feel as if i’m being called to martyrdom, and that i don’t have long to live. the columbine martyr, rachel, had the same feeling that i’ve experienced since a very young age. just something for me to think about. unfortunately, right now, my thoughts are so black that i don’t feel capable of anything. maybe that’s the point - i’m probably not supposed to feel capable, as it’s God Who transforms us into Saints for His glory. it’s just that i feel so worthless, so useless right now, and i know that i need to trust God more. i need to pray for that grace, and i will.

i am currently reading Divine Mercy in my Soul, and it’s bringing up a lot of issues for me. my OCD is triggered by the fact that this woman had to be special enough - good enough - to have these revelations come to her. while i’m just a 16-year-old perfectionist who tries too hard to pretend that she can keep it all together, and that she has a semblance of a decent spiritual life. why am i like this? it’s not jealousy of the Saints that i feel, no, never. it’s more of a seething self-loathing that i thought i’d recovered from when Jesus healed me. so many issues of mine are coming out at the moment, and i don’t know how to deal with them at all. i need prayers, i need help, i need … to be someone else. someone good enough, who pleases Jesus. i must be such a disappointment.

i do believe that God loves me, but i don’t think that i’ve experienced it enough to really have it become a part of me. i believe it with my mind, but my heart has doubts. i feel like God loves other people, special people who will become Saints, more than He loves me. i feel like i have to perform and be good enough for Him to love me. i have so many strongholds that i don’t know how to deal with. please pray for me.

 

[xAlisonx]

why? i’m not good enough for these kinds of things, these kinds of experiences. i don’t pray enough for others, i don’t do enough good works. i’m not good enough, i - can’t breathe.

still - Jesus, i endure this for You. please help me.

Lord, i am not worthy to receive You, but only say the word and i shall be healed.

 

[xAlisonx]

E p i s t e m e s.
thank you so much for taking the time to read and to respond. i truly appreciate the honesty and openness of your post.

the problem is, i do feel alone. lies that i can’t help but believe are choking me alive. you are completely alone in this. no one can relate to you because no one is as pathetic and worthless as you are. that’s what i’m hearing within myself right now. over and over again.

i don’t know what to do.

someone - please help me?

 

[xAlisonx]

Alison,
You are in my prayers.
God Bless

F r a n 6 5.
thank you so much.

 

[Shlomey]

i feel broken because i feel like i’m not good enough to be a saint, like i’ll never be holy, like i’m worthless and pathetic and useless to God. (sounds rather familiar … the demon told me i was worthless and pathetic … and now i’m using the words myself. maybe i subconsciously allowed them to get to me, and now they’re manifesting in this depression? i don’t know what factors are going into this, all i know is that it hurts terribly, and i don’t know how to make it better.)

For the first part:

We are all sinners.

Romans 7:16 If then I do that which I will not, I consent to the law, that it is good. 17 Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. 18 For I know that there dwelleth not in me, that is to say, in my flesh, that which is good. For to will, is present with me; but to accomplish that which is good, I find not. 19 For the good which I will, I do not; but the evil which I will not, that I do. 20 Now if I do that which I will not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.

21 I find then a law, that when I have a will to do good, evil is present with me. 22 For I am delighted with the law of God, according to the inward man: 23 But I see another law in my members, fighting against the law of my mind, and captivating me in the law of sin, that is in my members. 24 Unhappy man that I am, who shall deliver me from the body of this death

See, it is normal to feel weak and “useless” at times.
Many great Saints even felt abandoned by God (dark night of the soul).

But here is one thing that you have to be very cautious with.

A demon tries to make you feel as bad a spossible, as unworthy as possible to stop you from coming back to Christ.
We are loved without any merits of our own. We were loved by God first before we could even think or do anything.

There is then an importance to discern between divinely inspired humility and diabolical anxiety.

If you are humble and realize your dependence on God’s grace and thereby grow in faith and your love for Him, then it is of divine origin.
If you feel unworthy that you dare not even pray any longer or to call upon HIs name for forgiveness or to approach Him in the Most Holy Eucharist, then such emotion is from Satan, because it leads you away from God.

a lesson on this by Padre Pio:
youtube.com/watch?v=ZkyKKpwntwI

 

[Epistemes]

the problem is, i do feel alone. lies that i can’t help but believe are choking me alive. you are completely alone in this. no one can relate to you because no one is as pathetic and worthless as you are. that’s what i’m hearing within myself right now. over and over again.

i don’t know what to do.

someone - please help me?

Hello again,

A friend and I were discussing the greatest deception which the devil could possibly deceive us with, and we were in agreement that it’s not that he could deceive us into believing that he doesn’t exist (for a person could choose to live virtuously despite there being no devil), but it’s that he so frequently deceives us into believing that we are somehow “damaged goods,” beyond the loving scope of Our Father and one another.

The transformation which you so desperately need must come from inside, even if it means screaming at the top of your lungs (preferrably when you’re alone so that your parents won’t think you’re being murdered ), "Get behind me Satan! I am a child of God and I will not allow you to drag me down anymore!"

Do you want to know what helped me? Thinking of Our Lord as the Good Sheperd. Just imagine yourself as that one sad, wandering, lonesome sheep which has strayed from the herd, stranded amongst the weeds and rocks where there is no good grass to eat – but there comes Jesus, Our Good Sheperd, smiling and absolutely thrilled to have found you, his little lost sheep! But you’re not the only lost sheep: we all are. Jesus’ entire herd as gotten stranded amonst the weeds and rocks! And he comes to us, scoops us up, and places us lovingly on his shoulders. The trick is that, rather than kicking and screaming that frightened little animals that we are, we must trust in Our Good Sheperd that he will bring us where we need to be.

I would like to make one final suggestion: put down St. Faustina’s diary, even if just for a bit, and pick up something a little more refreshing and positive. I think St. Faustina is a great saint, though I have no strong devotion to her, but I personally have found her writings to be troubling, at times. (This isn’t to say the Divine Mercy devotion is troubling, which it isn’t, but is a great consolation!) Like you, in my more volatile periods, I have also wondered, “Why doesn’t Jesus appear to me? Am I not good enough?” The answer to these questions, I think, can be found in a book by Henri J. M. Nouwen entitled, “The Return of the Prodigal Son: A Story of Homecoming.” I recommend you purchasing that book, giving it a good read, and seeing how you feel about yourself afterwards. I’m no counsellor, but if you would like a friend to discuss this book with, then I would gladly discuss it with you over e-mail or PM. We might could even get a book discussion going on here in the forum, I don’t know – but I definitely think it’s worth your time investigating.

God bless you!

 

[AveSantaMaria]

Dear Alison, I LOVE saying the Litany of Humility daily, ewtn.com/Devotionals/prayers/humility.htm , especially for this line That others become holier than I, provided that I become as holy as I should, Jesus grant me the grace to desire it Now, when I commit a sin or struggle with temptation, instead of wanting to being sad that I won’t reach “7th degree of Heaven,” maybe I can think, perhaps I won’t be a Saint saint but I may end up as Holy as I should be since I am sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, trying my best and that is enough for God, even if I was only trying 75% that might be enough, and I am trying 100%! At some level, God is just using me, but he is in ultimate control; I am just an instrument. His timeline is sometimes a 400 year timeline or a 2000 year timeline so just because I don’t see any results doesn’t mean that God isn’t using me!

Also, I often want to help everyone, even when I had no means of doing so. However, I read in St. Mary Faustina’s Diary: Divine Mercy in My Soul, that we should have “no self-will” I asked my wonderfully devout local priest about it and he told me it is true, have “no self-will” and this meant that before I do anything self-sacrificing I should ask about it of a spiritual guide. This was very helpful for me because when I asked him about sending money to a foreign country to help someone go back to school, he helped me to realize that I need to finish all my schooling myself first!! I will be so much more productive for God when I finish all necessary training and am completely independent and more spiritually mature than if I try to give, what is not mine to give, at the minute!! After all, Jesus gave more glory to God by submitting to Mary for 30 YEARS before he started his 3 year public ministry.

Maybe perhaps you might seek out a spiritual director as well. Since you have all these experiences, you might try the Carmelites. Entering into a Carmelite church helps me to regain a sense of peace, and the Carmelites may be the great spiritual masters of suffering: St. John of the Cross’s works are intended to address even the deepest of sufferings. Something very interesting in his Dark Night of the Soul to me that I sincerely hope I am not misinterpreting is: 5. Oh, night that guided me, Oh, night more lovely than the dawn,
Oh, night that joined Beloved with lover, Lover transformed in the Beloved!
6. Upon my flowery breast, Kept wholly for himself alone,
There he stayed sleeping, and I caressed him, And the fanning of the cedars made a breeze.
7. The breeze blew from the turret As I parted his locks;
With his gentle hand he wounded my neck And caused all my senses to be suspended.
8. I remained, lost in oblivion; My face I reclined on the Beloved.
All ceased and I abandoned myself, Leaving my cares forgotten among the lilies. It is strange to me because St. John of the Cross is a MAN but his experiences in the Dark Night of the Soul are addressed to Christ, as a MAN, (which I have rarely seen men do, many DO do this, but more frequently I notice “Lady Poverty” or that they think of themselves as a Bridegroom) and he is taking pleasure in what strikes me as pain. It made me appreciate the suffering that people suffering from homosexuality may go through, as the more I read about the lifestyle and biographies of people who have embraced homosexuality, the more I think that many of them have embraced self-hate - he is, as far as I can tell, the spiritual master on interior suffering, so it may so be that the sufferings of many of those going through intense homosexuality are some of the deepest of sufferings.

St. Edith Stein, a Jewish woman who petitioned the Pope to do more in the Holocaust and while he listened, she herself felt that he was silent to her pleas before she was taken to the gas chambers, is a Carmelite. St. Lucy of Fatima, one of the three children who experienced the Fatima apparitions of Mary, and had a life of martyrdom as a nun in a convent while the other two children were martyred in illness is also a Carmelite. It strikes me as a hidden order very deep in meaning.

May St. Francis of Assisi, St. Edith Stein, St. Josephine Bakhita, St. John of the Cross, St. Therese of Liseux, St. Teresa of Avila, St. Maximilian Maria, and St. Padre Pio fervently, urgently, pray to Mary to help you!!

May the Holy Spirit through Mary grant us the graces that we most desperately need, particularly and abundance of trust and internal peace!! May the LOVE and MERCY of the Sacred Heart of Jesus be known, truly believed, felt, and understood deeply and abundantly by us for all of time!! May the WONDERS of the Immaculate Heart of Mary help us!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse.

For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world!

O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee!
Sorrowful and Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

 

[AveSantaMaria]

Maybe psychiatry is connected to spirituality. The Canadian Mental Health Association may state that religious do better in mental illness: cmha.bc.ca/files/12.pdf

Also, don’t give in, don’t allow it in. I once suffered very deeply and gave in to the thoughts in my head, giving way to blackness and despair very silently and mentally. Almost immediately, my religious and devout mother who happened to be in a nearby room, yelled “COME BACK!” She’s never done that before or since, and I don’t know how she could have known through the rooms that separated us what I was thinking or how that was the right time. From then on I have started to see my dark thoughts as a temptation that needs to be fought with all my being and have found easier victory. If you give up the battle, you can’t win

Another thing: I often start to experience my greatest sufferings before I do a painful act of kindness or love for others, one that I might not do if the suffering hadn’t made me a deep, freeing my mind of superficial things. So perhaps they are spiritual warfare, the enemy wants me broken down so I can’t encourage others. For example, yesterday I could not pray but today it is over and I am better than ever, full of hope. I am selfish in many ways so perhaps without my internal pain, maybe I would not have desire to write messages of encouragement to you and others. Another time I suffered greatly and in that time I wrote messages to my friends, encouraging them, connecting with them, when I didn’t really feel that I needed them - it was love and suffering - those messages ended up helping - they were so glad that I wrote, and I was able to reach out to one of my friends who I think secretly suffers from homosexuality, self-hate because his life has been so hard since childhood… if I hadn’t gone through the mental anguish, I probably would have abandoned him. In fact, one of these friends emailed me today about spiritual reading I have read wanting to read it himself and sharing his desire to perhaps become a priest - and I feel that God may be using me in an oh-so-tiny way to help bring revival to his church. I, too, spent some time as a Protestant, and it strikes me that Catholics have the spiritual depth and deep wisdom at their beck and call but Protestants often have the community life, joy, passion, and willingness to stand alone and evangelize to others - how awesome/powerful would it be if both were together - Scott Hahn, converted to Catholicsim as a Presbyterian Pastor and brought other Pastors with him as well - it’s amazing!

It’s interesting because around the time when my sufferings grew deeper again: a woman at my Church gave me a St. Benedict crucifix and other medals and told me to wear them, as well as told me that a calling of hers is to sometimes experience the sufferings that other souls go through and share in mine - God allows this to happen so that she knows how to pray for them.

Also, ever since my mystic experience, I have been tempted by impure/unchaste/unhealthy fantasies. It’s almost like every growth I have in the spiritual path is marked by some new form of suffering. A person who may have helped me greatly in the past and been extremely loving somehow becomes a new torment somehow in a small way. That’s why St. Faustina’s Diary’s advice “Do not rely on creatures” has so profoundly changed my life. I noticed that saying a Hail Mary when the temptation gets great, often lightens the load.

And just look at Christ in his ministry, when did evil tempt him? At the beginning: maybe to stop him from starting. At the end, through Judas, maybe to drive him not to complete his final sacrifice. But what happened to Christ, he was RESURRECTED. What happened to St. John, one of the few who stuck with him at the Cross, a few things: (1) He received Mary as his mother (2) he may be the only apostle that the best of history suggests did not die a martyr’s death - he was thrown in boiling oil and escaped alive - perhaps Mary and St. John were martyred internally at the Crucifixion while the others were martyred externally (3) His Gospel may be our prime source for understanding the Eucharist, his Letters may be our deepest revealing of the fact that God is LOVE, and his Revelation: the final victory. His understanding of the Mystery of Christ may surpass others’, and that is what Mysticism is, exploring the Mystery of Christ.

May the Holy Spirit through Mary grace us with the gifts that we desperately need! May the LOVE and MERCY of the Sacred Heart of Jesus be felt, believed in, trusted in, and hoped in, and let us be saved by it now and always!! May the WONDERS of the Immaculate Heart of Mary give us aid as soon and in the measure that Mary desires!!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse.

For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world!

O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee!
Sorrowful and Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

 

[AveSantaMaria]

You seem to be almost experiencing hell on earth, so it is a spiritual battle that maybe only Jesus and Mary can win. You are far braver than myself and capable of enduring much more than myself if God would entrust greater suffering to you than he entrusted to me, at such a young age!! Your patient endurance, passion, witness, and sacrifice is a witness and testament!!

1. Today, I was led by an Angel to the chasms of hell. It is a place of great torture; how awesomely large and extensive it is! The kinds of tortures I saw: the first torture that constitutes hell is the loss of God; the second is perpetual remorse of conscience; the third is that one’s condition will never change; the fourth is the fire that will penetrate the soul without destroying it- a terrible suffering, since it is a purely spiritual fire, lit by God’s anger; the fifth torture is continual darkness and a terrible suffocating smell, and, despite the darkness, the devils and the souls of the damned see each other and all the evil, both of others and their own; the sixth torture is the constant company of Satan; the seventh torture is horrible despair, hatred of God, vile words, curses and blasphemies…

saint-faustina.com/Diary/DMIMS15.shtml

Remember Ninevah and that God WANTS and FERVENTLY DESIRES that everyone, even the non-Israelites, the prostitutes like Rahab, reach salvation, so he cares about your salvation MORE than you do

My internal sufferings are now reduced significantly in intensity from what they used to be. I used to pray enormously but became unable to do so and I asked my priest about it, he said “maybe God wants to lead you to a less formal prayer with him” although I still say the Rosary, Divine Mercy Chaplet, Litany of Humility, Ave Maris Stella every day and say the Divine Office when I remember and go to Daily Mass as frequently as possible, and go to Confession once every one or two weeks. When I had those sufferings, I hated them and was deeply humbled. I think God’s gift to me this year has been “humility” and next year may be “joy.” But now I am glad that I have had them so that I can feel and understand and have compassion for people who go through worse than I did and hope I have gained spiritual maturity.

I hope to be a psychiatrist and to do full-time ministry in that way (as was suggested by my priest), leading those who want to listen to the path of faith and spiritual healing and those I am unable to reach by private prayer/sharing in their sufferings. You and others here enormously help me because I can’t understand sufferings like homosexuality or the “curses in your mind” on my own, but I hope that I can help and learn if union with the will of God can relieve others’ sufferings the way it relieved my own. So this is probably of small comfort to you since your sufferings are so deep and may be cold-hearted, but I wanted to let you know that at least at the very tiniest God may use it to help me to understand others’ pain so I maybe one day I will know enough to help relieve the suffering of others.

P.S. Maybe don’t read the sufferings of others who reached an unhappy end until you move far from your own precipice. I postponed reading the Diary of Anne Frank while in my sufferings and was more helped by reading the lives of the saints. We want to not only suffer with others but to give hope to others and have hope ourselves. Suffering is evil. “There is a time for everything” as Ecclesiastes tells us, the time may be later.

And during the deepest of my sufferings - God worked a miracle for a family member of mine through me. He (the family member) told me about it only a year and a half later and if we hadn’t come in contact, may not have ever told me at all, so take courage that God doesn’t always let you know the extent to which he is using you at the time he does. Perhaps you will only know the extent to which he uses you when you are in Paradise!!

St. Francis of Assisi, St. Edith Stein, St. Margaret Mary Alacoque, St. Mary Faustina, St. Teresa of Avila, Mother Teresa, St. Therese of Liseux, St. Josephine Bakhita, St. Martin de Porres, St. Padre Pio, St. Maximilian Maria we humbly beg, we who in desperate, pitiful, sad need, please souls we trust will have mercy on us in our need, plead to the Immaculate Heart of Mary for us, the Mother of the Word, may you please please ask her to help this poor child of yours!!

May the Holy Spirit through Immaculate Heart of Mary grant us the graces that we desperately need! May the LOVE and MERCY of the Sacred Heart of Jesus come now, passionately and abundantly, into our lives!! May the Immaculate Heart of Mary come to our aid!!

Jesus, we trust in you!!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse.

For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world!

O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee!
Sorrowful and Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

 

[AveSantaMaria]

Remember O Most gracious Virgin Mary that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, we fly unto thee O Virgin of Virgins, our Mother. To thee do we come, before thee we kneel, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word incarnate, despise not our petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer them. Amen.

AMEN!! AMEN!! AMEN!! Sacred Heart of Jesus through the Immaculate Heart of Mary through St. Francis of Assisi, St. Edith Stein, St. Maximilian Maria, St. Padre Pio, St. Josephine Bakhita, St. Therese of Liseux, St. John of the Cross, St. Teresa of Avila, St. Lucy of Fatima - let not my lack of knowledge, lack of mercy and compassion, lack of trust in you prevent you from blessing and helping and raising up this poor child of yours!! May her life and her healing and inner peace be a testament to your own glory and not be diminished in any measure by my own misery, lack of faith, hope, love, trust, mercy in approaching you!! May the merits of these holy souls be looked at instead of our own as we intercede with great trust in you!!

PSALM 22
For the leader; according to “The deer of the dawn.” A psalm of David.
My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why so far from my call for help, from my cries of anguish?
My God, I call by day, but you do not answer; by night, but I have no relief.
Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the glory of Israel.
In you our ancestors trusted; they trusted and you rescued them.
To you they cried out and they escaped; in you they trusted and were not disappointed.

But I am a worm, hardly human, scorned by everyone, despised by the people.
All who see me mock me; they curl their lips and jeer; they shake their heads at me:
“You relied on the LORD–let him deliver you; if he loves you, let him rescue you.”
Yet you drew me forth from the womb, made me safe at my mother’s breast.
Upon you I was thrust from the womb; since birth you are my God.
Do not stay far from me, for trouble is near, and there is no one to help.

Many bulls surround me; fierce bulls of Bashan encircle me.
They open their mouths against me, lions that rend and roar.
Like waters my life drains away; all my bones grow soft. My heart has become like wax, it melts away within me.

As dry as a postsherd is my throat; my tongue sticks to my palate; you lay me in the dust of death.
Many dogs surround me; a pack of evildoers closes in on me. So wasted are my hands and feet
that I can count all my bones. They stare at me and gloat;
they divide my garments among them; for my clothing they cast lots.
But you, LORD, do not stay far off; my strength, come quickly to help me.
Deliver me from the sword, my forlorn life from the teeth of the dog.
Save me from the lions mouth, my poor life from the horns of wild bulls.

Then I will proclaim your name to the assembly; in the community I will praise you:
"You who fear the LORD, give praise! All descendants of Jacob, give honor; shor reverence, all descendants of Israel!

For God has not spurned or disdained the misery of this poor wretch, Did not turn away from me, but heard me when I cried out.
I will offer praise in the great assembly; my vows I will fulfill before those who fear him.

The poor will eat their fill; those who seek the LORD will offer praise. May your hearts enjoy life forever!"
All the ends of the earth will worship and turn to the LORD; All the families of nations will bow low before you.
For kingship belongs to the LORD, the ruler over the nations.

All who sleep in the earth will bow low before God; All who have gone down into the dust will kneel in homage.
And I will live for the LORD; my descendants will serve you.
The generation to come will be told of the Lord, that they may proclaim to a people yet unborn the deliverance you have brought.

May the Holy Spirit through the Immaculate Heart of Mary grace us with the gifts that we most desperately need, now, so we may glorify God! May the LOVE and MERCY of the Sacred Heart of Jesus be demonstrated in our lives so that we spread it abundantly to others!! May the WONDERS of the Immaculate Heart of Mary be made use of for the glory of GOD!!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse.

For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world!

O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee!
Sorrowful and Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

 

[AveSantaMaria]

I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth and in Jesus Christ, his only son our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried. He descended into Hell; the third day He arose again from the dead. He ascended into Heaven, sitteth at the right hand of God, the Father Almighty, from thence He shall come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Ghost, the Holy Catholic Church, the Communion of Saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body and life everlasting. Amen.

The Divine Mercy chaplet is a fountain of graces and takes perhaps 5 minutes to say, maybe it might help if you are not already overburdened too much to say it, in that case, maybe you ought to ignore this message.
Divine Mercy Chaplet ewtn.com/Devotionals/mercy/dmmap.htm

May the Holy Spirit through Mary grant us the graces that we most desperately need!! May the LOVE and MERCY of the Sacred Heart of Jesus be overshadowing in our lives and the lives of all! May the WONDERS of the Immaculate Heart of Mary come to our aid!!

THANK YOU JESUS THROUGH MARY AND YOUR HOLY SAINTS FOR HAVING HEARD OUR PRAYER!! AMEN!! AMEN!! AMEN!! HELP US TO GLORIFY YOUR NAME ACCORDING TO YOUR WILL!!

St. Louis Mary de Montfort says the greatest gifts on earth are crosses (and I believe St. John of the Cross says something similar). Maybe one day, when our suffering is relieved and/or over, we will find out why. TAKE CARE!!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse.

For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world!

O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee!
Sorrowful and Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *