A divided family....stepchildren and spouse

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anneofohio

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Please pray for me and my family. I have 5 stepchildren (ages 8 to 17), 2 of my own (ages 6 and 9), and one child (age 18 months) with my second spouse.

I am wrestling with our family situation. My husband does not hold me up as his spouse in front of his children. He openly disagrees with me, yells at me, belittles me, and says things not befitting of a spouse when the children are around. As a result, his children do not accept me or my daughters into their lives, though they love their half-brother. My husband has very different expectations for them in terms of behavior - he allows them to call each other and my children names, they do not listen to me or respect what I say, they ignore me when I speak to them.

I am near distraught because our family life is not honoring to God. I have become bitter and do not welcome my stepchildren’s influence on my own children. I feel as though I have to constantly shield my children from negative behavior. This is not what God intended for families or marriage. In fact, we are providing a very negative view of married life and how to treat one another. My husband is okay with it all and doesn’t feel changes need to be made. He refuses to see our priest, go to counseling or attend a marriage renewal retreat.

Our parish priest has suggested we separate at this time since my husband is verbally and emotionally abusive. I believe in marriage and that it is a covenant, but I also don’t believe that God intends anyone to be treated this way. I feel as though I am teaching my children to be abused by allowing it to happen to me - and to them.

I would appreciate prayers for a wise decision on where to go - and perhaps any advice from those who have been in a similar situation.
 
I cannot offer much help as I demanded my wo children from my first marriage treat my husband with respect. I agree that the step-kids should be disciplined for bad behavior toward you or your children. I also agree that your husband shouldn’t argue with or contradict you in front of the kids. If he refuses to seek counseling for his verbal and emotional abuse, I also agree with your priest that separation might be the best thing. It gets you and the kids out of a bad home environment and might wake your husband up to the fact that there are some serious problems he needs to work out.

Is there any possibility that your husband could leave? Frankly, separation is hard on kids and you have 3 young ones that deserve to be able to stay in their home while you and your husband either work things out of get divorced. Besides, he only has himself to look after and it’s easier and cheaper for one person to find a place to live than it would be for you with the kids.
 
Actually, we all live together in their original home that we remodeled when we married three years ago. So he would not be the one to leave, it would be me and my children. He indicated separation isn’t a possibility - we either stay or we end our marriage. I just never thought blending families could be so challenging - and so heartbreaking. His previous wife passed away when the children were younger, so they have no other parental figure aside from dad. And they completely resent my role 😦
 
Consider that it is considered child abuse to require a child to watch his or her mother be abused. Your pastor has not recommended a separation lightly; your children are being harmed, as are you, and seriously so. Furthermore, because he has refused to admit there is anything wrong with the situation, you will not change your husband’s abusive behavior or attitude by continuing to tolerate it. You have made the first necessary step, which was to confront him about serious issues and to expect some serious steps towards coming to a mutually-agreeable solution. Now, having been utterly rebuffed and having had to essentially take a defensive position in your own home, it is time to make a retreat.

If there is a way to save your marriage, leaving a situation where your abuse is tolerated by all members of the family is your best chance. Not that alone, but by combining that with whatever other strategies are at your disposal. One of those would be to seek counseling for yourself, where you can learn skills and strategies to employ in order to make what can be made of future contact with your husband.

Even if you cannot save your marriage, it is your duty to get your children out of that environment, and the sooner the better. See a lawyer immediately, as well; do not expect that anyone who holds you in contempt when he is shouting at you in front of your children is going to give you fair treatment of his own accord. He’s going to need to see that you are going to defend yourself before he decides that his arrogant behavior has to stop. Pray very much for him; perhaps he will wake up when he sees that you have a backbone and will not tolerate what it is a wife and mother’s duty to refuse to tolerate.

Remember that even the Lord spoke up during his Passion, when the right needed to be spoken for, and spoke up bravely that the truth did not deserve to be met with blows:

*Jesus answered him, “I have spoken publicly to the world. I have always taught in a synagogue or in the temple area where all the Jews gather, and in secret I have said nothing. Why ask me? Ask those who heard me what I said to them. They know what I said.” When he had said this, one of the temple guards standing there struck Jesus and said, “Is this the way you answer the high priest?” Jesus answered him, “If I have spoken wrongly, testify to the wrong; but if I have spoken rightly, why do you strike me?” * John 18:20-23
 
anneofohio said:
Actually, we all live together in their original home that we remodeled when we married three years ago. So he would not be the one to leave, it would be me and my children. He indicated separation isn’t a possibility - we either stay or we end our marriage. I just never thought blending families could be so challenging - and so heartbreaking. His previous wife passed away when the children were younger, so they have no other parental figure aside from dad. And they completely resent my role 😦
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This may have less to do with blending families than with convincing your husband to treat you like a wife and mother. You do not know that his previous wife was treated any better than you are, or that she would be treated better than you are being treated, had she lived.

You also do not know what your legal options are with regards to your marital assets, including your family home, which has been improved since you married. Speak to an attorney before you make any decisions or any promises to your husband. Even if your husband knows how the law applies in your jurisdiction (which he probably does not), he has not shown himself in the mood to stick up for you or your interests. Mind your actions well and get good counsel, lest you lose primary custody of your youngest child or assets you will need during any time when your family is split into two residences.

Having said that, if a lawyer does not have a problem with it, I’d want to take my children and go somewhere else as soon as possible. If your husband and your children from his first marriage are seeing you in a dim light, putting him out of that house isn’t going to help their attitude. Where you can be accommodating without tolerating abuse or giving away your rights, do it. Don’t delay, but research attorneys carefully before you engage one, and then talk to your attorney about the legal side of any options you may have. It will be expensive, but money well-spent.
 
EasterJoy said:
This may have less to do with blending families than with convincing your husband to treat you like a wife and mother. You do not know that his previous wife was treated any better than you are, or that she would be treated better than you are being treated, had she lived. (I suppose it is possible, though, that he is feeling some guilt about having given you the place of his deceased wife, and may be reneging on his marriage vows on account of having harbored reservations about giving you your full status as his wife and the mother of his children.)

You also do not know what your legal options are with regards to your marital assets, including your family home, which has been improved since you married. Speak to an attorney before you make any decisions or any promises to your husband. Even if your husband knows how the law applies in your jurisdiction (which he probably does not), he has not shown himself in the mood to stick up for you or your interests. Mind your actions well and get good counsel, lest you lose primary custody of your youngest child or assets you will need during any time when your family is split into two residences.

Having said that, if a lawyer does not have a problem with it, I’d want to take my children and go somewhere else as soon as possible. If your husband and your children from his first marriage are seeing you in a dim light, putting him out of that house isn’t going to help their attitude. Where you can be accommodating without tolerating abuse or giving away your rights, do it. Don’t delay, but research attorneys carefully before you engage one, and then talk to your attorney about the legal side of any options you may have. It will be expensive, but money well-spent.
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EasterJoy said:
This may have less to do with blending families than with convincing your husband to treat you like a wife and mother. You do not know that his previous wife was treated any better than you are, or that she would be treated better than you are being treated, had she lived.

You also do not know what your legal options are with regards to your marital assets, including your family home, which has been improved since you married. Speak to an attorney before you make any decisions or any promises to your husband. Even if your husband knows how the law applies in your jurisdiction (which he probably does not), he has not shown himself in the mood to stick up for you or your interests. Mind your actions well and get good counsel, lest you lose primary custody of your youngest child or assets you will need during any time when your family is split into two residences.

Having said that, if a lawyer does not have a problem with it, I’d want to take my children and go somewhere else as soon as possible. If your husband and your children from his first marriage are seeing you in a dim light, putting him out of that house isn’t going to help their attitude. Where you can be accommodating without tolerating abuse or giving away your rights, do it. Don’t delay, but research attorneys carefully before you engage one, and then talk to your attorney about the legal side of any options you may have. It will be expensive, but money well-spent.
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I suppose it is also possible that he is feeling some guilt about having given you the place of his deceased wife, a feeling reinforced by his children’s resistance to accepting you as his wife and their mother, and may be reneging on his marriage vows on account of having harbored reservations about giving you your full status as his wife and the mother of his children. That is something to look into when the current abusive situation is stopped. If he has harbored those reservations, that may be the issue you’re up against. If he suspects he’s doing that and knows it to be wrong, that may be why he’s resisting any counseling. Sometimes when we take the wrong road, we fight the urge to look at the signposts on it all the more. My first instinct would be to think that this is not a conscious decision on his part, if that is what he is in fact doing.

If he is only treating you the same way as he treated his first wife, though, then you have a tough road ahead.
 
“My husband is okay with it all and doesn’t feel changes need to be made. He refuses to see our priest, go to counseling or attend a marriage renewal retreat.”

That doesn’t sound very promising.

This situation sounds terrible for your daughters, as they are the unloved stepsisters, and everybody in the house but you and the baby treats them like dirt. Blech.

I would suggest that you ask a lawyer what your realistic options are. If your lawyer OKs it, I would suggest moving yourself and your children out and then attempting a reconciliation while living in separate domiciles. If your husband wants to reconcile and makes a real, solid effort at counseling and reconciliation, super (but don’t be in a hurry to reunite your households). If he doesn’t bother, well, there’s your answer.
 
anneofohio said:
Please pray for me and my family. I have 5 stepchildren (ages 8 to 17), 2 of my own (ages 6 and 9), and one child (age 18 months) with my second spouse.

I am wrestling with our family situation. My husband does not hold me up as his spouse in front of his children. He openly disagrees with me, yells at me, belittles me, and says things not befitting of a spouse when the children are around. As a result, his children do not accept me or my daughters into their lives, though they love their half-brother. My husband has very different expectations for them in terms of behavior - he allows them to call each other and my children names, they do not listen to me or respect what I say, they ignore me when I speak to them.

I am near distraught because our family life is not honoring to God. I have become bitter and do not welcome my stepchildren’s influence on my own children. I feel as though I have to constantly shield my children from negative behavior. This is not what God intended for families or marriage. In fact, we are providing a very negative view of married life and how to treat one another. My husband is okay with it all and doesn’t feel changes need to be made. He refuses to see our priest, go to counseling or attend a marriage renewal retreat.

Our parish priest has suggested we separate at this time since my husband is verbally and emotionally abusive. I believe in marriage and that it is a covenant, but I also don’t believe that God intends anyone to be treated this way. I feel as though I am teaching my children to be abused by allowing it to happen to me - and to them.

I would appreciate prayers for a wise decision on where to go - and perhaps any advice from those who have been in a similar situation.
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Your parish priest gave you sound advice. The home situation as it stands is not good for you or your children. Praying for you.
 
KrazyKat said:
Your parish priest gave you sound advice. The home situation as it stands is not good for you or your children. Praying for you.
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Prayers. Victims of abuse often blame themselves for the abuse and are reluctant to leave. I would think of the kids. Does it really do any of the kids yours or his any good to see you being disrespected and abused. Also you said he was abusing his step kids is it fair to keep them in a environment where they are being abused and belitted. Another though abuse often starts out as verbal then escalates to hands on abuse. I would take the priest recommendation under serious consideration.
 
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