A doubter

[BellasMommy]

I am feeling quite depressed about my lack of belief in a teaching of the Church.

That teaching is that contraception is a sin. I admit, I have never actually committed that sin. I practiced abstinence until my husband, and he had a vasectomy before I even knew him. The reason I find that teaching so hard to believe is that I have never wanted children, having them would make my life very unhappy, and why would God want to force me to do that? I know there is NFP, but the only really reliable way to prevent unwanted pregnancies is surgical sterilization. I am lucky in that I was never faced with the problem of making sure I didn’t get pregnant, but if I had been, I can’t imagine that I would have risked destroying my life by getting pregnant (I just really cannot handle kids). Why is NFP not a sin, but all other forms of contraception are? After all, seed is spilled unused in all cases of contraception, be it NFP or the pill or another method. Why is marriage only considered to be right if the couple is “open to life”? I am not open to having children. Why is that a sin? I just don’t understand, and I am filled with doubt.

Of all the things people have trouble accepting – confession, the Blessed Mother, the Pope – I cannot get past the teaching that God wants married people to have children, or at least to put themselves at great risk of having them by employing iffy methods of preventing pregnancy (NFP) that aren’t so different than regular contraceptives anyway.

I mean, I do understand that the availability of contraceptives makes it possible for immoral people to have sex with as many partners as they please without risk of pregnancy – in fact, today’s society is so saturated with things like “friends with benefits” and “hooking up” that it is truly nauseating. That said, why is it a sin for my husband and I to enjoy loving intimacy, monogamous, faithful intimacy, between two people who have taken vows before God and are husband and wife. We do nothing dirty or wrong, so why does the Church believe we are wrong simply because we are not “open to life”. I don’t want children, why is that wrong? I am so saddened by my inability to believe this teaching of the Church, it makes me doubt everything.

If you have any advice or opinion on what I have said here, I would love to hear it.

Thank You

 

[monicatholic]

– I cannot get past the teaching that God wants married people to have children, or at least to put themselves at great risk of having them by employing iffy methods of preventing pregnancy (NFP) that aren’t so different than regular contraceptives anyway.

the Church wants married people to be open to life because God wants married people to be open to life. marriage is ordered to unity and procreation. " and the two shall become one flesh…" and “be fruitful and multiply.”

God’s first command to all of creation was “be fruitful and multiply.”

Why is NFP not a sin, but all other forms of contraception are? After all, seed is spilled unused in all cases of contraception, be it NFP or the pill or another method.

this isn’t so. the only time the male seed is spilled in NFP are within the marital embrace that is uncontracepted, non-prophylacted and open to life. the only ONLY variable with NFP is the timing of intercourse.

even then, couples are called to discern NFP use for serious reasons-- not casually, nor as a matter of convenience.

you sign you page Bella’(name removed by moderator)my. who’s Bella?

 

[BellasMommy]

Oh, sorry I didn’t say that earlier – Bella is my Australian Cattle Dog. I’m a dog person.

 

[kage_ar]

You might give the Catechism section on marriage a read through - it begins at paragraph 1601 and can be read on line here scborromeo.org/ccc/p2s2c3a7.htm#1601

Children are one of the primary reasons for marriage!

1601 “The matrimonial covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership of the whole of life, is by its nature ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring; this covenant between baptized persons has been raised by Christ the Lord to the dignity of a sacrament.”

 

[yellowbird]

As I stated on the other thread, since your husband had a vac prior to marrying you, it’s really a non-issue for you. Why worry about what others may or may not struggle with regarding birth control. You don’t want kids, and it seems that you’ll never have them.

One thing I will say on the subject though is Jesus said we should pick up our cross and follow him. For some, this is our cross. I would rather be faithful and trust God than limit the number of children He gives me (even though if it were MY choice, I would soooooo be done) but still, I know this life is short and someday I will stand before Him and I want to hear, “Well done my faithful servant.”

Since you don’t have to struggle with this issue, perhaps you could pray for those of us who do?

 

[Rach620]

I am feeling quite depressed about my lack of belief in a teaching of the Church.

That teaching is that contraception is a sin. I admit, I have never actually committed that sin. I practiced abstinence until my husband, and he had a vasectomy before I even knew him. The reason I find that teaching so hard to believe is that I have never wanted children, having them would make my life very unhappy, and why would God want to force me to do that?

Because God has a plan, and His plan for husbands and wives is that they become fathers and mothers, showing His love to the world by co-creating children. Try looking at your life not as what YOU want, what you think makes YOU happy, but as a gift to God. We are called to trust Him and to follow His will–it requires sacrifice to be a Christian, just as Christ sacrificed for us.

The vocation of marriage is principally a vocation to sacrifice, to give of ourselves to our spouses and to our family (see my sig!). Love requires sacrifice–if we only do things that make us feel good, we’re not really loving at all. Because you have chosen to marry, you have promised to give of yourself in a particular way: to your husband, as his wife, and to whatever children God may bless you with. These promises are all part of the marriage vows.

I know there is NFP, but the only really reliable way to prevent unwanted pregnancies is surgical sterilization. I am lucky in that I was never faced with the problem of making sure I didn’t get pregnant, but if I had been, I can’t imagine that I would have risked destroying my life by getting pregnant (I just really cannot handle kids).

Why do you think children would ‘destroy your life’?

I’m sorry to be blunt, but if you were so adamant about never having children before you got married, you should have not gotten married. To be married in the Church, openness to children is a requirement.

Why is NFP not a sin, but all other forms of contraception are? After all, seed is spilled unused in all cases of contraception, be it NFP or the pill or another method. Why is marriage only considered to be right if the couple is “open to life”? I am not open to having children. Why is that a sin? I just don’t understand, and I am filled with doubt.

Do a google search on “theology of the body,” or check out Christopher West’s book The Good News about Sex and Marriage. That could more fully answer your questions.

Husbands and wives are called to follow God’s command to “be fruitful and multiply”–this is what we believe about marriage as Catholics. Marriage is by its nature ordered to procreation: sex is sacramental–it is the renewal of the marriage covenant, and the basic teaching of the Church is that sex has two purposes. It should be both unitive (bringing the spouses together) and procreative (open to the creation of life). When you use artificial contraception, or when one spouse is artificially sterilized, you have done something to prevent sex from being procreative. By doing this, you are not participating in sex that is open to life, but are shutting yourself off from the sacramental grace of God.

NFP is different because there is no artificial shutting yourself off from God. On a practical level, there is the ‘permanent’ nature of all artificial BC–a vasectomy lasts, well, a lifetime (typically), and the hormones in the pill take awhile to cycle out of a woman’s system to allow her to ovulate normally. Rarely are artificial BC users open to life. On the other hand, my husband and I are using NFP to avoid a pregnancy right now. By right now, I mean, today. Right this minute. That could change tomorrow, if we discern that’s God’s plan for us. Using artificial BC closes you off from God’s plan for your marriage. It’s no longer about trust and discernment, but YOU deciding what YOU want. That is not how we are called to live as Christians.

Of all the things people have trouble accepting – confession, the Blessed Mother, the Pope – I cannot get past the teaching that God wants married people to have children, or at least to put themselves at great risk of having them by employing iffy methods of preventing pregnancy (NFP) that aren’t so different than regular contraceptives anyway.

Your understanding of sex affects your understanding of your vocation as a married woman, and that has everything to do with your entire life as a Christian. Fundamentally, do you believe that you are called to sacrifice and to trust God’s will, or do you believe that you can go on as you please, make your own plans, do your own thing, and have faith on the side? It’s a directional thing. The Church’s teachings on sex are not “on the side,” and they are not extra. There is a unity to the Catholic faith–take it all, or leave it all. There is no pick and choose.

NFP is not ‘iffy’. There are several different methods, most of which have a method ‘success’ rate equal or greater than the Pill. And nothing beats having the knowledge of your fertility and health. My husband and I know every single day whether or not I am fertile, and I have the added bonus of knowing immediately whether something is ‘up’ with my health. Understanding my natural fertility is quite different than attempting to control it with dangerous artificial hormones that close me off from the will of God and abuse the body which He has created.

Bella(name removed by moderator)my, I suggest you see the film “Bella”. It came out last year, and is a beautiful (hence the title) story about God’s unexpected will for our lives. The take-away line from that movie is “If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.” Perhaps it would help you with your struggle to trust His plan.

You are in my prayers. Don’t lose faith!

 

[Robbinson]

Hi:

I completely understand this. However, If you have not ever read the encyclical on Human Life and Contraception (Humae Vite), you should read it - its relatively short, and easy read and extremely powerful.

You will see that the principle objections to birth control relate, not only to the God’s plan and desire that we pro-create, but also focuses on the relationship between the husband and wife, respect for the institution of marriage and respect for the woman as an object of love, rather than lust, and the perceived risks/predictions of the consequences to society of utilzing contraception (dehuminziing of woman, making them objects of lust, increase in infidelity, increase in abortion rate). All of this has come true, sadly in the last few decades.

Blessings,

Brian

 

[Jennifer_J]

NFP is ordered toward procreation–the act of intercourse, as it was intended by God, is not altered in any way. Contraception is NOT ordered to procreation–the act is altered by chemicals and physical barriers. Additionally, chemical forms of contraception can cause early abortions be not letting any conceived babies, implant in the uterus. NFP should only be used for just/serious/grave reasons, which depend on discernment by the couple and God and perhaps a spiritual advisor/priest–for further discernment.

I’ll second (or third) that you should check out:
The Catechism
scborromeo.org/ccc.htm

Humanae Vitae
vatican.va/holy_father/paul_vi/encyclicals/documents/hf_p-vi_enc_25071968_humanae-vitae_en.html

Theology of the Body
ewtn.com/library/PAPALDOC/JP2TBIND.HTM
christopherwest.com/

Also, upon further study and understanding, you might feel called to use NFP, even though your dh has had a vasectomy, so that you may offer up your gift of fertility to those who struggle with fertility in various ways (it’s just a thought). You also should take this issue to a priest and see what counsel he offers you on the matter. I will also add, that doubting isn’t a problem, as long as you continue to seek the truth and form you conscience properly. Keep praying about this issue and let the Holy Spirit work in your heart.

God bless

 

[newbetx]

I am feeling quite depressed about my lack of belief in a teaching of the Church.

I read your other thread about not wanting children. Could you be feeling depressed about church teachings as you may feel you are not living up to them? I suspect this is why many people leave the Church. “Catholic guilt” is a problem many of us have to deal with. Complete surrender, near as I can tell, is the answer. But that is very difficult if we don’t understand a teaching and can not accept things blindly. To many of us here, Thomas is a key person in the gospel. Don’t worry, too much as the Church is patient. Moreso than the rest of us. She provides us time to learn and appreciate her ways.

There are many resources available to read that can help you with any particular teaching. I’ve found many very helpful to me. Others, not so much. Keep looking until your find one that makes sense to you. The Church really doesn’t make this stuff up. It is discovered over the centuries by people that really have thought and studied hard on these subjects. One by one, all my issues have fallen away once I received a good education on them. As for these forums, while much of what is posted is correct, we have all kinds that post here and I’d double check any post with a reliable, church sanctioned, printed source. (See, there’s that doubting Thomas thing again.)

Not all are called to be parents. I have two teenage sons and a pre-teen daughter. It’s not for the weak, I assure you. And if you asked me if I’d have 3 kids before I was married you’ld have gotten a really mean look. Parenting is, however, what I “signed up” to do.

You may need to find another way to be “fruitful” in your life to help bring it into perspective. There are many opportunities out there.

Pray and listen. God will direct you if you ask for it.

Peace to you!