A fallen away Catholic marries a non-Catholic in a non-Catholic ceremony

[carjack]

I am a Catholic who married a non-Catholic. My family supported me. I never got a divorce though. Does your husband want to go to his sisters wedding?

 

[gmathers]

Julianna,

Thanks so much for your reply, while awaiting for an answer I went to a priest and posed him the same question and his reply was similar to yours, I need to display charity to my sister in law, and gently propose to her the possibility of them getting married in the Catholic Church (after they get legally married since the wedding is only 2 weeks away). He stated that I should always pray for her, that she may come back to the faith. The Catholic Church loves to receive the stray aways back and as the priest explains, it’s not difficult at all (many fallen away Catholics believe that they will not be allowed back, but remember, Christ is a forgiving God, who wants especially those that have strayed to come back to Him). Gina

Gina,
Go to the wedding and don’t let the scare tactics of some posters get to you. Your brothers sister is getting married. She chose not be a Catholic and to marry a non-catholic. You all had nothing to do with her choice. Does this mean that you will never attend a wedding of a friend who is non catholic? You will spend the rest of your lives keeping your Catholicism to yourselves? And we wonder why people have left the church in droves and are running to the Protestant churches. Scare tactics do not bring one closer to God. You can’t love what you fear.

You will be looking at her over the table at Thanksgiving…and at Christmas…and other family events. Right? or are they no longer invited to your home for dinner, birthday parties etc., because they didn’t marry in the Catholic Church? They know they can’t be Godparents…they know you can’t be witnesses as in “signing” as maid of honor and such. This is a given.

How are you showing this sister in law the faith? By shunning her and her new husband? Causing rift in the family is bringing one closer to the faith? How is that so?

it’s very cold and lonely in that cave of a world some folks choose to call Catholicism. Let her know the door is still open by teaching as Jesus did…attend the wedding.

Hmmmm…I wonder if the bride and groom at the wedding of Cana were Catholic? I doubt it. But Jesus went anyway.

 

[Julianna]

And yet perhaps she actually wanted traditional opinions on the matter, which might be in short supply elsewhere (as there have also been many non-traditional opinions already on the thread here). The danger of scandal is real, and is far too little accounted for in modern moral calculus.

There is no scandal, only in your mind.

This isn’t a matter of “I disapprove of your choice of spouse/venue/etc…” It’s not even “You’ve defected from the Church but at least you’re doing something right in getting validly married.” Rather, this is “You’re going through the motions of getting married only to embark upon a life of (further) sin in your invalid union.” What’s to celebrate? We could strain and spin the matter to come up with the objective goods or lesser evils possibly secured by such a move, but the bottom line is that no marriage is taking place, and no Catholic can honestly pretend that it has - how are you going to attend without giving that impression?

The marriage IS taking place. It may not be in the Catholic church, it is the couples choice as where they will marry. Their marriage is valid according to laws of the land.

Again, I doubt the couple married at the wedding of Cana were Catholic…I wonder why Jesus went according to you He is causing scandal now isn’t He?

 

[jmcrae]

The marriage IS taking place. It may not be in the Catholic church, it is the couples choice as where they will marry. Their marriage is valid according to laws of the land.

A party is taking place. There can be no marriage, because the woman is already married to someone else, and the two are of different religions from each other.

Again, I doubt the couple married at the wedding of Cana were Catholic…I wonder why Jesus went according to you He is causing scandal now isn’t He?

The wedding that Jesus attended was between two persons who were equally yoked spiritually and socially, with neither of them being already married to someone else.

Keep in mind, if two people of the same religion marry, with neither of them being married to someone else, the marriage is both valid and Sacramental, even if they are not Catholic.

 

[Julianna]

A party is taking place. There can be no marriage, because the woman is already married to someone else, and the two are of different religions from each other.

That is true of the Catholic church. My parents were of different religions and were married in the Catholic church in 1956. They were married 50 yrs. Who knew?

The wedding that Jesus attended was between two persons who were equally yoked spiritually and socially, with neither of them being already married to someone else.

I guess my invitation was lost in the mail. I hope you took pictures and examined all the documents.

Keep in mind, if two people of the same religion marry, with neither of them being married to someone else, the marriage is both valid and Sacramental, even if they are not Catholic.

I guess my parents marriage wasn’t valid because they were of different religions. Someone had better notify the Diocese in Springfield MA and tell them they made a boo boo. I guess my brother’s marriage is invalid too. His wife is Pentacostal. I’ll have him call the Diocese of Charleston and check it out.

I guess Gina should stay away from this horrid soon to be scandalous sister-in-law. She may need to let them know that they are not only not welcome to Thanksgiving and Christmas, sacraments by members of the family taking place in the Catholic church are off limits as well.

Does the church really want to cut themselves out of the picture of the rest of the world? Are Catholics a “cut above” everyone else spiritually? No, of course not. Even Gina’s priest told her to go to the wedding.

Oh, Gina, don’t say what Diocese you are in…someone may call the bishop and let them know you are causing scandal.

Do you all really see how crazy this can get? How is that teaching as Jesus did?

 

[Ave_Maria_1]

It was looking like I would have this situation in my own family as well with my non-practicing and divorced sister. My one brother, a staunch Catholic, and I discussed what we would do. We could not attend for it is NOT a marriage in the eyes of God.

We cannot just ‘go and enjoy’. It is not a true marriage even though a civil union. Yes, it is difficult. I would not go even if it were my own child. I would have to explain it as gently as I could perhaps or , I don’t know, maybe there would be a reason why I could not make it—I would have to think about that one.

You will find priests who advise each way.

When my parents had their 50th anniversary and had a Mass, I did mention to my non-practicing sister that she could not come to Holy Communion. Another sister threatened to disown me for doing that. But my spiritual director said that silence is golden except when it is yellow. If we are too afraid to stand up for what our church teaches in these situations, how will we ever do it when to do so may mean real persecution or even jail in the possible upcoming ‘politically correct’ world?

What did my sister do when I mentioned this and backed it up with church documents? She said that no one could tell her what to do and she will go to Mass when and where she feels like it and will go to Communion too! So there! She did go to communion but I did not see her as I was a little late and sat in the back. She broke her Host to give half to her son who is not Catholic of course. Just a piece of bread to her. I could not stop her but I did share the truth with her.

 

[Nan_S]

I had exactly the same dilemma as you. My sister (married in the church, divorced, no annulment) married a Jew in a Jewish ceremony (Reform Jewish Rabbi). Yes, in the eyes of the church they could not be married, but there was no escaping the reality that legally a civil marriage would still exist.

Ultimately I attended the wedding, alone (no hubby and kids), and did not take a role in the bridal party. Attending was the right decision. It has left the door open for family unity, peace, and reconciliation.

I had the nerve to ask her before the wedding, did she still consider herself Catholic, and if so did she know that with this marriage she could not take communion afterwards. She answered Yes to both. And as far as I know she has abided by that. There was no reason to belabor the point.

Her first marriage was a complete disaster. I think they were both too young and immature. Our father brought up the issue of annulment periodically, even offering to pay for it. She declined to pursue it, but refused to discuss the reasons.

New husband has been wonderful for her. He has been a valuable addition to the family and we have grown to love him.

Of course we pray for them. And perhaps one day we will see their marriage blessed by the church.

 

[Annie_B]

Attend the wedding and give them a really nice Catholic Family Bible as a gift …really…

Annie

 

[Seatuck]

My sister in law will be marrying in a civil ceremony to a non-Catholic. She was raised Catholic but has long since practiced. She was married before (in a civil ceremony) and divorced.

My husband and I are both practicing Catholics. I have discussed with my husband the fact that attending such a wedding would give tacit approval to his sister. As I’ve tried to explain to my husband, we would give scandal in attending such a ceremony. This is causing much stress between my husband and I. Please advise.

Gina

It is possible for you to go to the wedding if after some thought you concluded that it would be for the best interest of family unity and the possible assistance in reconciling this sister to the church. You would not be able to be official witnesses though. You should check with your priest if you aren’t sure what to do.

 

[wanner47]

My father, a lifelong Protestant, was “married” to his girlfriend, a lapsed Catholic, in a Protestant service last November. My husband and I chose not to attend the wedding. It caused a LOT of strife and drama within our family, but things have since cooled down and my dad and I are back on decent terms again. He even came to our son’s baptism after insisting that he wouldn’t come since we didn’t choose to “support” him. (All the explanations in the world didn’t make a whit of difference.)

I think we made the right decision. We stood up for our Faith and what we believe in despite the strife it caused in our family. If anything, it caused a closer bond between my brother and me (although he didn’t agree with our decision, he did respect it, and helped me deal with the way my dad was treating me).

I would gently talk to your sister-in-law as your priest advised, but if she refuses to rectify the situation (e.g., by getting a dispensation from the Bishop) then I would not attend.

For me, it came down to this: Did I want to stand before the throne of God someday and have Jesus ask me why I chose to keep family peace instead of follow His commandments? My answer to that was unequivocally no, so I knew I couldn’t go to the wedding.

 

[wanner47]

I guess my parents marriage wasn’t valid because they were of different religions. Someone had better notify the Diocese in Springfield MA and tell them they made a boo boo. I guess my brother’s marriage is invalid too. His wife is Pentacostal. I’ll have him call the Diocese of Charleston and check it out.

I guess Gina should stay away from this horrid soon to be scandalous sister-in-law. She may need to let them know that they are not only not welcome to Thanksgiving and Christmas, sacraments by members of the family taking place in the Catholic church are off limits as well.

Does the church really want to cut themselves out of the picture of the rest of the world? Are Catholics a “cut above” everyone else spiritually? No, of course not. Even Gina’s priest told her to go to the wedding.

Oh, Gina, don’t say what Diocese you are in…someone may call the bishop and let them know you are causing scandal.

Do you all really see how crazy this can get? How is that teaching as Jesus did?

How does Christmas/Thanksgiving/etc. relate to causing scandal?

Celebrating Christmas/Thanksgiving with an invalidly-married relative does not show support of their union, but attending their wedding does. Therein lies the difference.

Michelle Arnold covered this recently in an Ask an Apologist question:

The reason that some recommend against giving gifts to those who are entering presumptively-invalid marriages is because it appears hypocritical to give a gift in honor of a marriage one must presume invalid and believes in conscience that he should not attend. In other words, it is the reasoning behind the witholding of the gift that is important, not a hard-and-fast rule against giving gifts altogether to the invalidly-married.

With that distinction in mind, it should become clear that gift-giving in such a situation is a matter of prudential judgment that should be exercised according to the individual circumstances. So, for example, this could mean giving gifts for Christmas and birthdays but not for wedding anniversaries. It could also indicate that certain gifts appropriate for the validly married may not be appropriate for the invalidly married (e.g., a weekend getaway to a romantic bed-and-breakfast). Please note in this case though that the emphasis is not on giving a gift that the couple “shares” but on not giving a gift that encourages the ongoing state of adultery.