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Middleman
Guest
I’d be interested in hearing an update from the OP
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IrishAm
Guest
Seems to me the only one in this situation acting their age was the 15 year old. She was obnoxious, to be sure, but she was definitely acting like a 15 year old.
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Middleman
Guest
Hey, us middle agers can act dumb too! Give us a break!
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yellowbird
Guest
Especially a 15 year old girl. They can be soooooo nasty!
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agp2176
Guest
Ask and you shall receive…
I have spoken with my sister since that time and have said that I shouldn’t have used the word that I used about my niece. Its a common word that begins with b and ends with h. She has said that she can forgive me.
This, however does not erase the responsibilty that my neice must take for her words. The overall point is that no one is asking her to exam her conscience or recognise that hurt that her words have caused.
The problem is that this is not the first time that my niece has mouthed off or been rude to my wife. It has been an ongoing problem. Its has been everything from rushing by her to greet everyone else at family events, answering questions about her school work with things like, “Well, Duh! Of course.”, and when introduced to her cousin in Canada (who would love to have a big sister her age) saying “Oh, is this some Canadian chick?”
So, this event was the last straw.
As to the point I made about the music etc that my neice is allowed by my sister to listen to, it is stuff like Shakira, Kelly Clarkson, and various obscene rappers. Again, I see a grave problem here contributing to an overall attitude.
To the issue of my mum, well, that is a whole other story. My mum called me today and basically said 'So, did you forget that you have a mother". I said “No”. She then tore into me telling me that she has to come first before my wife, that my wife was immature, and that I was wrong for defending her. Now, it must be understood that my mum and my wife have gotten along very well. At Christmas 2007 we had a fire in our apartment, and had t o stay with my mum for a few days. Actually, we were planning to go visit for a few days anyway. Well, we showed up, as expected with fully knowledge of the fire, and were treated like garbage because we were ruining her perfect Martha Stewart style Christmas!
My mom had no knowledge of what was said by my niece, doesn’t realise that it essentially public ridicule and rudeness, and fails to acknowledge my wife’s hurt or upset. All she can say is that my wife should accept it.
Today, my mum told me that I am acting as if I never made any mistakes, and that I should go see a priest. She also said, 'Who made you so holy holy"
Forgiveness will be forthcoming. All I am asking is acknowledgment of the wrong and that contrition is shown from my neice and my mother.
In Christ’s Peace
Tony
C
Cat
Guest
Just drop it. She’s 15. They do dumb things and open their mouths without thinking first. Maybe it’s defiance and maybe it’s just thoughtlessness, kind of like when a little kid spills his milk during dinner–that’s NOT defiance, it’s part of being a little kid. The best thing to do is just ignore it. Pray for her to grow up sweet. She probably will in spite of all your worries about her.
You be the grown-up here and drop it. You’re making a huge fuss about nothing, or should I say, about a dog in a coat. C’mon. As the very wise Jay Kessler once said, “Save your battles for something important.”
Kelly Clarkson bad? I think there are a lot worse. At least she sings well.
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yellowbird
Guest
Hi Tony,
I’m glad to hear that you apologized to your sister and are trying to get along with everyone, even your Mum who sounds a bit difficult? At any rate, you are certainly trying to be the bigger person and that’s a good thing.
Unfortunatly you cannot control your neice and make her aplogize. If she were made to, it wouldn’t be sincere anyhow so what’s the point? I hope your wife has deleated her on her facebook so more rude comments aren’t made? I actually feel sorry for your niece… she isn’t going to get very far in life with her bad attitude and mouthy ways. Since she is apparently fond of you (or was before your wife “stole” you away?) maybe someday you will be able to have a heart to heart with her… just of the two of you? You could let her know that you do love her, despite her bratty ways… and does she realize how much words, even if they are meant in jest, hurt people? I think some of her bad attitude will go away over time though, as she matures. In the meantime, other than being civil … hello, how are you… it was good to see you, goodbye… I probably would keep my distance. Your wife should do the same. Avoiding family gatherings isn’t the answer, but remaining cool & aloof toward your niece certainly is.
Good luck to you all.
I’m glad to hear that you apologized to your sister and are trying to get along with everyone, even your Mum who sounds a bit difficult? At any rate, you are certainly trying to be the bigger person and that’s a good thing.
Unfortunatly you cannot control your neice and make her aplogize. If she were made to, it wouldn’t be sincere anyhow so what’s the point? I hope your wife has deleated her on her facebook so more rude comments aren’t made? I actually feel sorry for your niece… she isn’t going to get very far in life with her bad attitude and mouthy ways. Since she is apparently fond of you (or was before your wife “stole” you away?) maybe someday you will be able to have a heart to heart with her… just of the two of you? You could let her know that you do love her, despite her bratty ways… and does she realize how much words, even if they are meant in jest, hurt people? I think some of her bad attitude will go away over time though, as she matures. In the meantime, other than being civil … hello, how are you… it was good to see you, goodbye… I probably would keep my distance. Your wife should do the same. Avoiding family gatherings isn’t the answer, but remaining cool & aloof toward your niece certainly is.
Good luck to you all.
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apromisemade
Guest
I agree. Let it go. To demand an apology from a 15 year old, especially when you are not her parental figure, is futile at best. By throwing a fit about her behavior you are simply stooping to her level. Besides, even if her actions are as deplorable as you make them sound (listening to Kelly Clarkson
) , you are simply in no position to try to discipline her like this. Like I said, be the bigger person and quite making a mountain out of a molehill.
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Liberanosamalo
Guest
Your mom sounds like a problem. She’s confused. A man is supposed to leave a father and mother and cling to his wife.
Now that you have a wife, your mother is NOT your number one.
You know that. So your challenge is how to continue to convince your mother that she is still your mother and still important, but not your priority. Probably asking her if she would have wanted her mother in law to be your father’s priority sounds like it would start a VERRRRY interesting conversation. Something tells me there is a story there. And your dad probably learned long ago to sit with his mouth closed and stay out of it.
Your wife should just concentrate on being a loving aunt. Like those of us mothers who pick our battles with our teenagers, just ride out the storm and someday you may even get an admission from her that she was a brat. But it won’t be for several years. Just be nice to her. Don’t take anything personally. And keep emphasizing she hasn’t lost an uncle, she’s gained an aunt.
Now that you have a wife, your mother is NOT your number one.
You know that. So your challenge is how to continue to convince your mother that she is still your mother and still important, but not your priority. Probably asking her if she would have wanted her mother in law to be your father’s priority sounds like it would start a VERRRRY interesting conversation. Something tells me there is a story there. And your dad probably learned long ago to sit with his mouth closed and stay out of it.
Your wife should just concentrate on being a loving aunt. Like those of us mothers who pick our battles with our teenagers, just ride out the storm and someday you may even get an admission from her that she was a brat. But it won’t be for several years. Just be nice to her. Don’t take anything personally. And keep emphasizing she hasn’t lost an uncle, she’s gained an aunt.
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bbarrick8383
Guest
Something tells me that your mum and the 15 year old get along very well.
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monicatholic
Guest
tony,
you called the smart-mouthed teenager “a common word that begins with b and ends with h.…” instead of calling your niece, “Bath” why not call her “Hammer”? she seems to be pretty good at hitting the nail in the head:
your niece’s “helpless female” comment could easily apply to your wife, too. this whole thing is a self-indulgent waste of energy. your wife is alarmingly childish to display such hurt and your chivalric protection of her mismanaged feelings only exacerbates the problem.
your mom sounds fairly derailed, too.
your perception that the dog “thinks she’s really something” is particularly tilted.
this season, the dog’s wearing a pink coat. a few years with you guys and the dog will need a pink straight jacket.
you called the smart-mouthed teenager “a common word that begins with b and ends with h.…” instead of calling your niece, “Bath” why not call her “Hammer”? she seems to be pretty good at hitting the nail in the head:
your niece’s “helpless female” comment could easily apply to your wife, too. this whole thing is a self-indulgent waste of energy. your wife is alarmingly childish to display such hurt and your chivalric protection of her mismanaged feelings only exacerbates the problem.
your mom sounds fairly derailed, too.
your perception that the dog “thinks she’s really something” is particularly tilted.
this season, the dog’s wearing a pink coat. a few years with you guys and the dog will need a pink straight jacket.
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Epeenchin
Guest
The 15 yr old must have got it from the grandmother …
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Middleman
Guest
Maybe the whole family can get therapy together? The poster is right, you all sound pretty dysfunctional.
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Zooey
Guest
You should not have called your niece the “b” word…[even though, frankly, she sounds like she had it coming]. But you have apologized, & just need to move on.
Truthfully, I am more concerned aboiut the way your mother has reacted. Now that is
totally off the wall.And here I am, one of those people who is not fond of clothes on pets…
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agp2176
Guest
Hello all
Two quick thoughts from me as the OP.
First, is a fact that I have not mentioned. My brother in law specifically forbade my niece from getting a facebook account. My sister went against his wishes and allowed her to set one up behind his back. Perhaps this can shed some light on why my niece has become a problem child.
Second, I must admit to finding the posts effectively saying that my wife and I should forget it to be appalling. I find them to be implied approval of my niece’s actions. Our reaction comes from the fact if we, at age 15, had shown disrespect toward an adult would have been severly punished. My niece is a child, and as such has not earned the right to chastise the actions of an adult. Her words and the unwillingness to correct her are simply unacceptable.
In Christ’s Peace
Tony
Two quick thoughts from me as the OP.
First, is a fact that I have not mentioned. My brother in law specifically forbade my niece from getting a facebook account. My sister went against his wishes and allowed her to set one up behind his back. Perhaps this can shed some light on why my niece has become a problem child.
Second, I must admit to finding the posts effectively saying that my wife and I should forget it to be appalling. I find them to be implied approval of my niece’s actions. Our reaction comes from the fact if we, at age 15, had shown disrespect toward an adult would have been severly punished. My niece is a child, and as such has not earned the right to chastise the actions of an adult. Her words and the unwillingness to correct her are simply unacceptable.
In Christ’s Peace
Tony
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Middleman
Guest
Tony, she’s not your responsibility. You need to let it go. So what if your brother told her not to get a facebook account and she did. That’s his problem, not yours.
Your niece is a little drama queen who is getting just what she wants. You guys are eating right out of her hand.
She’s not your responsibility man, let it go. Shake the dust from your sandals. And while you’re at it you need to cut your mothers apron strings and be a little more independent from your nutty sounding family.
Your niece is a little drama queen who is getting just what she wants. You guys are eating right out of her hand.
She’s not your responsibility man, let it go. Shake the dust from your sandals. And while you’re at it you need to cut your mothers apron strings and be a little more independent from your nutty sounding family.
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monicatholic
Guest
sorry Tony, i’m not buying this “simply unacceptable” thing.
there are easily a dozen facets of kookiness here, not the least of which is you posted pictures of your dog in a pink coat on your facebook page expecting folks to be pleased. not the least of which, your forty-something wife cried when disapproval was expressed. not the least of which, your riding in on a white horse in Arthurian response.
your niece’s smart-mouthed disobedience is a big deal, but Tony, it’s not ***your ***big deal. you have other big deal, much BIGGER than your niece.
you’re not paying attention to any of them.
can’t you see that your wise-acre niece simply shone a light-- a very BRIGHT BEAM-- on some things that ***really ***need fixing?
and some of them, Tony, you can fix. (and some of them, like your niece’s refusal to apologies, are not yours to fix.)
as they say, “clean up your side of the street.”
there are easily a dozen facets of kookiness here, not the least of which is you posted pictures of your dog in a pink coat on your facebook page expecting folks to be pleased. not the least of which, your forty-something wife cried when disapproval was expressed. not the least of which, your riding in on a white horse in Arthurian response.
your niece’s smart-mouthed disobedience is a big deal, but Tony, it’s not ***your ***big deal. you have other big deal, much BIGGER than your niece.
you’re not paying attention to any of them.
can’t you see that your wise-acre niece simply shone a light-- a very BRIGHT BEAM-- on some things that ***really ***need fixing?
and some of them, Tony, you can fix. (and some of them, like your niece’s refusal to apologies, are not yours to fix.)
as they say, “clean up your side of the street.”
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AHapka
Guest
No one we approve of the niece’s actions. What we are saying is to keep it in proper perspective.
Sounds like your niece is getting exactly the attention that she wants.
Next time, make one mention of the fact that you didn’t like the comment and then don’t say another thing about it. Nothing. End of discussion. Then no drama.
She’s not your child, you have no right to discipline her or force her to be disciplined. If you don’t like the way your sister disciplines her, don’t see them except for family get togethers and just don’t interact with them except as common courtesy dictates.
I personally am of the theory that I will not discipline another persons child or ask the parent to discipline them except in rare and extreme situations (and i’m talking about causing actual harm like drawing blood, not a few words on a webpage).
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GerlyOne
Guest
WOW! Really hilarious and so on point, thanks for a great laugh monicatholic, I really needed one today!
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Trick
Guest
I don’t know about the others mentioned but,Ask and you shall receive…
I have spoken with my sister since that time and have said that I shouldn’t have used the word that I used about my niece. Its a common word that begins with b and ends with h. She has said that she can forgive me.
This, however does not erase the responsibilty that my neice must take for her words. The overall point is that no one is asking her to exam her conscience or recognise that hurt that her words have caused.
The problem is that this is not the first time that my niece has mouthed off or been rude to my wife. It has been an ongoing problem. Its has been everything from rushing by her to greet everyone else at family events, answering questions about her school work with things like, “Well, Duh! Of course.”, and when introduced to her cousin in Canada (who would love to have a big sister her age) saying “Oh, is this some Canadian chick?”
So, this event was the last straw.
As to the point I made about the music etc that my neice is allowed by my sister to listen to, it is stuff like Shakira, Kelly Clarkson
To the issue of my mum, well, that is a whole other story. My mum called me today and basically said 'So, did you forget that you have a mother". I said “No”. She then tore into me telling me that she has to come first before my wife, that my wife was immature, and that I was wrong for defending her. Now, it must be understood that my mum and my wife have gotten along very well. At Christmas 2007 we had a fire in our apartment, and had t o stay with my mum for a few days. Actually, we were planning to go visit for a few days anyway. Well, we showed up, as expected with fully knowledge of the fire, and were treated like garbage because we were ruining her perfect Martha Stewart style Christmas!
My mom had no knowledge of what was said by my niece, doesn’t realise that it essentially public ridicule and rudeness, and fails to acknowledge my wife’s hurt or upset. All she can say is that my wife should accept it.
Today, my mum told me that I am acting as if I never made any mistakes, and that I should go see a priest. She also said, 'Who made you so holy holy"
Forgiveness will be forthcoming. All I am asking is acknowledgment of the wrong and that contrition is shown from my neice and my mother.
In Christ’s Peace
Tony
Kelly Clarkson is probably one of the tamest rock/pop singers that there is today and thank goodness probably the most talented.
Trick
Trick
- Status