A Family Planning Question

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PrairieMom

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Hi all,

A burning question. LOL

I’m in my early 30’s, been married four years, and we have two children (one with special needs), ages 3 and 1. We want more children, and will have more, God willing.

I know a lot of people, Catholics included, who feel when their family is “done” opt for surgical intervention to prevent further pregnancies.

We practice NFP, and will never opt for ABC, but I’m starting to understand the temptation of the surgical interventions. My grandmother was pushing 60 before she hit menopause. Her daughter (my mother) is in her mid-50’s and shows no signs of slowing down on the fertility front.

I find the prospect of potentially bearing children into my 50’s daunting to say the least, especially because we will maybe need to care for our daughter well into adulthood. I was quite crestfallen when I realized that I have probably over 30 more years of fertility ahead of me… I’m not even at my half-way point yet!

I keep telling myself we should be charitable and open to life, but I’m having a hard time… digesting… that. Has anyone else had this thought? That “Oh Lord, please give me strength to not fall to that temptation and get snipped”? How do you keep on the positive and not. dwell. on. that.

Thanks!
 
Who better to care for a special needs person than family? Siblings will assure that there is are many hands and shoulders to lean on.
 
PrarieMom,

My wife and I struggle with the same thing. We have three wonderful children, but my wife has suffered from post partum depression after each one (the last being the most traumatic). Obvioulsy, the thought of going through it again is a frightening and draining thought. It takes alot out of us and the children seem to suffer the most (why is mommy crying all the time, etc…)

To cap it off, she suffers from PCOS which makes practicing NFP a challenge. Anyway, I’ve often been tempted to go get “fixed”, trying to rationalize my decisions…It’s been a struggle to say the least.
 
Your scenerio may happen, but it may not. You do not know what God holds for your future. I thought everytime I got pregnant, I’d have a child. I was given a reality check with my 7th. I lost that baby. I now know that I don’t have the answers and I have to trust God to guide me when I feel lost.

I am 40 and having baby #9 (10 if you count my one in heaven). I’ll just take the babies as they come. I know God will give me the strenght to carry on. I’m not going to focus on how many I may have in the future. It’s a number that I would be thinking about, and not the child. I choose to focus on the children I have, and the one growing inside. I don’t need to worry about what if’s. I do wonder at times how many I will have before my fertility leaves, but I don’t dwell on it.

Focus on the children you have and the possibility of the next one. Don’t get bogged down in the numbers. Having a large family is a lot of fun, but I only got to this point by adding one at a time. I didn’t jump from 2 to 9 overnight. I’m ready for #9. I wasn’t ready for 9 children when I only had 2…but God knew that and gave me my children one at a time.

Looking at your family size as a number makes it seem overwhelming and you lose focus on the individual gift each new person is. Seeing your family as little individuals makes it much more managable.

Take each day and each child as they come. God will handle the rest 🙂
 
I have one baby in-utero and 2 other children ages 4 and 2, both of whom have developmental delays. I remember feeling so overwhelmed when we discovered that #3 was on the way, but then I told myself, “I have no idea what life will be like in 8 months, let alone 8 or 10 years, so why worry?” Having very young children is challenging (especially toddlers), and when developmental delays/special needs are thrown into the mix, it really does get tough.

But…

God is only asking each of us to be the parents to the children we have now. You won’t become a mother of 10 tomorrow – With each child, you will grow in skill, selflessness, grace, and love. Do only what’s in front of you; be the mom God is asking you to be right now. :hug1:
 
It’s also important to note that while you may hit menopause late, you’ll almost certainly have vastly diminished fertility as you get into your 40s. So yes, it will be possible to get pregnant, but not very likely and with practice at NFP, it will be much easier to avoid those narrowing windows whereby you could become pregnant, provided that’s what you think is best after some reflection and prayer.
 
your scenario and several of the others mentioned are definitely difficult! however, i do think that the only Christian attitude is to believe that God doesn’t give us more than we can bare AND that we shouldn’t be afraid that we may be given the strength to bare more than we want!

I think everytime I run into this fear, and since I’ve had the 2nd it’s often, I realize that it’s not so much that I’m afraid I wn’t be able to make it but rather that I don’t even want to be able to achieve that level of selflessness that having more children would require. Oh, and I clearly don’t trust God enough.

It’s true that when there are things to be consiered such as severe post-partum depression or special needs children our decision has to be very carefully weighed for the good of the children and the family as well. Marriage is a call to Love AND Responsability. But overall, I go by what a priest told me: if God gives lambs, he also provides the pasture 🙂
 
Dredgemate said:
PrarieMom,

My wife and I struggle with the same thing. We have three wonderful children, but my wife has suffered from post partum depression after each one (the last being the most traumatic). Obvioulsy, the thought of going through it again is a frightening and draining thought. It takes alot out of us and the children seem to suffer the most (why is mommy crying all the time, etc…)

To cap it off, she suffers from PCOS which makes practicing NFP a challenge. Anyway, I’ve often been tempted to go get “fixed”, trying to rationalize my decisions…It’s been a struggle to say the least.
Click to expand...
This sounds like a very challenging situation. If you don’t mind, (you can PM the answer) I wanted to suggest a few things, perhaps you’ve done them all but since I don’t know I’m just going to offer some suggestions.

I thought I had PPD with my first one because well, I was crying all the time. I feared it’d be worse with the 2nd, because they say it is. it turned out that I only had one meltdown in the first month after givng birth and that was it. However, I look at the situation and I realize that none of the factors that miht’ve contributed to the first were present in the second.

Firstly, I gave birth in Europe in a private clinic to the second. For 3 days I was waited on hand and foot and my baby as well. That was the most amazing feeling in the world. I had time to recover after the hard birth and had personel there that was always around helping me adjust to the new baby and answering all of my questions. After 3 days I came home compeltely confident AND rested!!! With the first, I was home, tired, helpless and stressed within 24 hours!

Then, my husband was working from home at that time so I had him around ALL the time and my mom had just retired so she was much more available to come help. The loneliness of being between four walls with a new creature who was so demanding was no longer present. I think this also helped tremendously. By the time the first month had gone by, and this time it FLEW by, it didn’t drag on and on, I was feeling great.

Lastly, my first was a poor sleeper and I was constantly getting up to pick her up, to rock her etc. With the second I decided to co-sleep and that made night wakings so much easier. I ended up handling the first 6 months of his life all by myself at night.

Again, i don’t know how many of these factors were or not present for your wife but I do think that all of these can make a world of a difference.

I have no idea how charting works with PCOS, are there any specialists helping you?

God bless your whole family!
 
Thanks for all your replies. I feel much better.

I love my beautiful girls, and I know the baby will watch out for her big sister when the time comes. I felt guilty, however, at the thought that if we stopped at two, she might have to do it all alone. I truly believe in the teachings of the Church in this matter (as far as I know, I’m the only one in my family or among my "real life"friends that do, even among my friends at Church), and I don’t want to frustrate God’s plan for my family.

The flexibility of the human heart is a wonderful thing.

Pax.
 
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