A friend is putting me in a difficult situation

[EasterJoy]

I’ll have the conversation in a few days so she knows the score. But I will give her a couple of months notice.

“I found out from someone whose word I trust completely that your friend has already been living there, before you asked for my permission. That was totally unacceptable. He is not welcome to spend the night there again. Please find a different place as soon as you can. I’ll give you two months, but I hope you’ll be able to find something sooner. Bringing the pets in without asking was bad enough, but I’m beyond disappointed with this.”.

…“No, no, no…I don’t want your reasons. I don’t want a discussion. It is your life. It is my place. We’re not going to have a discussion and we’re not going to tell each other what to think or what standards to have. Just find a different place to live while we’re still on speaking terms. After putting you up rent-free for this many years, I hope we can do that, but at this point, I really just want you to move into your own place. When you get there, it is your life, do what you want. You need to find a place of your own, though, where you can make your own decisions without concerning yourself with my opinion.”

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I’ll have the conversation in a few days so she knows the score. But I will give her a couple of months notice.

I keep getting the idea for some reason that there is some sort of surrogate relationship here between you. Almost like a parent/adult child arguing about a new boy living with her. If you think that might be the case you need to rectify that now. Be a firm, but fair landlord.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I keep getting the idea for some reason that there is some sort of surrogate relationship here between you. Almost like a parent/adult child arguing about a new boy living with her. If you think that might be the case you need to rectify that now. Be a firm, but fair landlord.

Interesting. Maybe. She is quite immature for a 40 yo woman, and I do feel sorry for her. But I won’t be arguing about the boyfriend situation, I will tell her that the primary reason for being sent on her way is that she used me and did things behind my back.

I feel incredibly foolish now about the whole thing. It worked for me to have someone in the apartment to take care of it and pay the bills, the arrangement made sense back then.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

“I found out from someone whose word I trust completely that your friend has already been living there, before you asked for my permission. That was totally unacceptable. He is not welcome to spend the night there again. Please find a different place as soon as you can. I’ll give you two months, but I hope you’ll be able to find something sooner. Bringing the pets in without asking was bad enough, but I’m beyond disappointed with this.”.

…“No, no, no…I don’t want your reasons. I don’t want a discussion. It is your life. It is my place. We’re not going to have a discussion and we’re not going to tell each other what to think or what standards to have. Just find a different place to live while we’re still on speaking terms. After putting you up rent-free for this many years, I hope we can do that, but at this point, I really just want you to move into your own place. When you get there, it is your life, do what you want. You need to find a place of your own, though, where you can make your own decisions without concerning yourself with my opinion.”

Thanks. This is what I have in mind. Great template.

I just hope she will spare me the unpleasant discussion and justifications and all that.

 

[Rosebud77]

Thanks. This is what I have in mind. Great template.

I just hope she will spare me the unpleasant discussion and justifications and all that.

Sigh… I think that may be a lost cause. Hands up and walk away time…Maybe your agent can give you some kind of written warning to give here; I mean not warning but simply stating what you need to tell her so that if she cuts up rough you can give it to her and walk away?/

 

[Kay_Cee]

It is not okay for your friend to invite a person you do not know or who is not a friend of yours to live in a place you own.

And that’s the case whether the extra person is male or female. That’s the case whether or not your friend has a sexual relationship with that person.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks. This is what I have in mind. Great template.

I just hope she will spare me the unpleasant discussion and justifications and all that.

She probably will not spare you, which will put the onus on you to stop her in her tracks and refuse to go there. I’m very sorry. You did a good thing, but it is unlikely to end in a good way. There is some likelihood that she’ll see the error of her ways some day and try to strike up the friendship again, but I’d expect that will take some time.

In the meantime, things will almost certainly be chilly, at best. Hang in there, be relieved that this is not your only friendship, and don’t forget to thank yourself for putting the roof over the heads of three people who needed it for a good long time. “You done good” as the saying goes. Letting this go on as the friend has turned it is not good, so it can’t go on. Not much to do but stop the ill-advised things that are in your power to stop, commend the rest to God, and keep moving. That’s the good you have to do today. I’m sorry. May the Holy Spirit sustain you through it all. (If your friend takes it better than you and I believe she will, well, halleluiah!)

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Thanks Easter Joy.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

She probably will not spare you, which will put the onus on you to stop her in her tracks and refuse to go there. I’m very sorry. You did a good thing, but it is unlikely to end in a good way. There is some likelihood that she’ll see the error of her ways some day and try to strike up the friendship again, but I’d expect that will take some time.

In the meantime, things will almost certainly be chilly, at best. Hang in there, be relieved that this is not your only friendship, and don’t forget to thank yourself for putting the roof over the heads of three people who needed it for a good long time. “You done good” as the saying goes. Letting this go on as the friend has turned it is not good, so it can’t go on. Not much to do but stop the ill-advised things that are in your power to stop, commend the rest to God, and keep moving. That’s the good you have to do today. I’m sorry. May the Holy Spirit sustain you through it all. (If your friend takes it better than you and I believe she will, well, halleluiah!)

well said.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Here is my update. They will all move out next month and the key will be handed over to the agent. We have agreed on what needs to be done, but I can only hope she actually does it since there is nothing on paper to force her to stick to the agreement. There have been no unpleasant conversations, just apartment related things and a bit of chit chat. She did not mention her boyfriend, and I did not mention that I know about the latest pet. We have met twice during my stay.

What has happened in the last two weeks is that I feel so distant from this friend because of the way she has ditched the practice of faith. She is my daughter’s Godmother and frankly, I am horrified at all this. She knows what she is doing by entering into a civil union and does not care. She says Jesus understands and does not judge her.

I am all for compassion and helping those who are struggling but her actions have somehow struck me in a personal way. We have been friends for a long time and as I said, she is my daughter’s Godmother. I have made a huge mistake with that choice. Some friendships just fizzle out naturally and I suspect this will be such a case, but I feel guilty that I might be sinning by distancing myself from a lapsed Catholic out of pride. But I am genuinely horrified by her life choices and I can’t fake it much.

Any thoughts on this are appreciated.

 

[CradleJourney]

Here is my update. They will all move out next month and the key will be handed over to the agent. We have agreed on what needs to be done, but I can only hope she actually does it since there is nothing on paper to force her to stick to the agreement. There have been no unpleasant conversations, just apartment related things and a bit of chit chat. She did not mention her boyfriend, and I did not mention that I know about the latest pet. We have met twice during my stay.

What has happened in the last two weeks is that I feel so distant from this friend because of the way she has ditched the practice of faith. She is my daughter’s Godmother and frankly, I am horrified at all this. She knows what she is doing by entering into a civil union and does not care. She says Jesus understands and does not judge her.

I am all for compassion and helping those who are struggling but her actions have somehow struck me in a personal way. We have been friends for a long time and as I said, she is my daughter’s Godmother. I have made a huge mistake with that choice. Some friendships just fizzle out naturally and I suspect this will be such a case, but I feel guilty that I might be sinning by distancing myself from a lapsed Catholic out of pride. But I am genuinely horrified by her life choices and I can’t fake it much.

Any thoughts on this are appreciated.

I am so sorry - it’s so difficult when friends change and close friendship is lost. You are not alone in having a Godparent choice not work out and you are not alone in having a friendship fizzle out.

My suggestion is this - simply keep the door open to the possibility of you two growing close again (we really don’t know all that’s going on in her head and heart right now or how she may be in the future), and part two - keep her in your prayers - simple prayers entrusting her to our Loving Father and that He may guide her back home and keep her safe in the meantime.

 

[EasterJoy]

Here is my update. They will all move out next month and the key will be handed over to the agent. We have agreed on what needs to be done, but I can only hope she actually does it since there is nothing on paper to force her to stick to the agreement. There have been no unpleasant conversations, just apartment related things and a bit of chit chat. She did not mention her boyfriend, and I did not mention that I know about the latest pet. We have met twice during my stay.

What has happened in the last two weeks is that I feel so distant from this friend because of the way she has ditched the practice of faith. She is my daughter’s Godmother and frankly, I am horrified at all this. She knows what she is doing by entering into a civil union and does not care. She says Jesus understands and does not judge her.

I am all for compassion and helping those who are struggling but her actions have somehow struck me in a personal way. We have been friends for a long time and as I said, she is my daughter’s Godmother. I have made a huge mistake with that choice. Some friendships just fizzle out naturally and I suspect this will be such a case, but I feel guilty that I might be sinning by distancing myself from a lapsed Catholic out of pride. But I am genuinely horrified by her life choices and I can’t fake it much.

Any thoughts on this are appreciated.

I think you tried to wake her up, and she’s having none of it. Notice what Jesus said to the woman at the well. She skirted her cohabitation, He let her know that He knew all about it, she changed the subject,and He let the matter go, His point having been made.

Your friend knows that she has no defense for what she’s doing. In the same situation, Our Lord just kept talking to her…always telling the truth, but not drilling it in. To his disciples, who couldn’t imagine why He’d do so, He said: “I have food to eat of which you do not know.” (John 4:32) That was doing the will of the Father, the work of harvesting souls.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Thank you Cradle Journey and Easter Joy.

I’m just glad the apartment situation is almost finished and I am glad that there have not been any serious issues there.

 

[SuperHappy]

Thank you Cradle Journey and Easter Joy.

I’m just glad the apartment situation is almost finished and I am glad that there have not been any serious issues there.

I am happy to hear that there wasn’t a serious altercation or ugliness on your friend’s part. It should like you handled the situation with kindness and grace and your friend skirted the issues to preserve what is left of the friendship.

Hopefully once she moves out things will continue to improve between you two and she can find her way back into the faith.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I am happy to hear that there wasn’t a serious altercation or ugliness on your friend’s part. It should like you handled the situation with kindness and grace and your friend skirted the issues to preserve what is left of the friendship.

Sadly, she phoned me today and we had an argument. I finally told her how I feel about her bf living there and her lying to me. I was quite angry. I tried to avoid the conversation at first in order to prevent a blow out, but she pushed and pushed. She didn’t apologise for any of it.

So I guess things did get ugly at the end.

I fly back tomorrow. I hope my trip home next year will be more pleasant. This was a nightmare.

 

[EasterJoy]

Sadly, she phoned me today and we had an argument. I finally told her how I feel about her bf living there and her lying to me. I was quite angry. I tried to avoid the conversation at first in order to prevent a blow out, but she pushed and pushed. She didn’t apologise for any of it.

So I guess things did get ugly at the end.

I fly back tomorrow. I hope my trip home next year will be more pleasant. This was a nightmare.

It is a good thing you have an agent to handle the eviction, if it comes to that.

I see no reason why she has to agree to leave. It’s your place and she pays no rent. She has no lease. Ask the agent to send her an enforceable notice to vacate. You can call her to let her know the notice is coming and that you will trust she will leave the apartment in good order for the new tenant–notice I did not say the “next” tenant, since your friend has been a guest, not a tenant–in spite of your differences.

I hope she leaves it in good condition and doesn’t take anything that doesn’t belong to her. After living there this long, however, she may have grown attached to some of your belongings. If she is angry at you, too, she might rationalize some spiteful behavior.

Yes, it is a good thing you have an agent to handle this. Worth every penny, whatever you’re paying.

By the way, I have a rule of relationships that goes like this: If you wronged someone, apologize, even if you are not the most wrong. There are two reasons this works. First, if one party is the most wrong and knows it, they are also the most defensive and have the hardest time making a bid to mend fences. It makes them feel too vulnerable. Second, it is not uncommon for two people to each believe that it is the other one who is the most wrong and therefore the most responsible to apologize first. Changing the expectation of “who ought to go first” really erases the whole question of who is the “most” wrong, which is pretty pointless, in the end.

If you said anything during that conversation that you regret or that you feel was gratuitously hurtful, apologize. You’ll be glad you did, whether she accepts the apology or not. If you did nothing wrong, then you are ready to ask God to forgive the wrongs she committed against you, let go, and commend the whole thing to God.

What comes of this after that, no one can tell. As Mother Teresa used to say, “God did not call me to be successful. God called me to be faithful.” Be faithful, and don’t worry about the rest.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Thank you Easter Joy.

I said nothing offensive or deliberately hurtful. I just focused on how her treatment made me feel. I was angry, that was very obvious, but I don’t think I crossed the line into shouting or anything like that. But that is a very good rule you describe and I will keep it in mind for the future.

I am now pretty certain she will leave without fuss. The agent knows the situation and will go and talk to her if she doesn’t leave as agreed. At this point I don’t care if she doesn’t paint the walls and cleans everything. I’ll pay for it and not hold a grudge, I just want this to be over. I feel like such a fool and I can’t wait to see my husband in two days. It is a long trip back.