A friend's divorce

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Lorik

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I have a friend who (after a few years of thinking about it) has decided to divorce her husband. She has been “unhappy”. The husband does not want the divorce(but has decided to cooperate for the good of the children).
Over the years I have tried to get her to go to Retrovaille, get a councilor, read different books ect… She hasn’t tried anything to save her family.
She told me in an e-mail that she’s nervous talking to me now.
I have made my feelings abundantly clear to her. Of course I will continue to pray for them but do I just shut up about it now? They have sold the house and it looks like there’s no changing her mind. She’s sad about it, especially b/c of the kids but says she can no longer live in an unhappy marriage.
 
she has no idea i believe how much pain is about to come her way…
 
mariam1976 said:
she has no idea i believe how much pain is about to come her way…
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I agree. I’ve told her that her impossible quest for happiness will only lead her to misery. That her happiness is right in front of her and not to let go of it. She thinks I’m wrong.
She always wants to go out with single friends and be involved in that whole scene. She equates happiness with fun. Her husband is just a “stick in the mud”.
I’m afraid we’re to the point where I need to stop trying to talk her out of divorce or we will no longer talk.
So at what point do I quit? Should I have already or continue on even though it might mean the death of our friendship? We’ve been friends since grade school.
One thing keeps coming back to me though. At her wedding the priest said to us who were in the wedding " You are no longer a friend of the bride. You are no longer a friend of the groom. You are a friend of this marriage." Is my friend gone when the marriage is over?
 
What an amazing thing for the priest to have said! I would think that your friendship with this woman is on the edge anyway, no matter what you say. If she is getting divorced to be able to run around with her single friends, she will probably end up neglecting her children. Hopefully, that will be a wake-up call for her, and you can then be her friend by encourging her to put her children ahead of her nightlife. In the meantime, I would again offer resources to help her save her marriage. And pray, pray, pray.
 
Lorik said:
She’s sad about it, especially b/c of the kids but says she can no longer live in an unhappy marriage.
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Whatever… I don’t buy her sadness. If she was really concerned about her children, she would have put some effort into trying to improve her marriage. My mom did this to my dad. A large part of me still hates her for it. Kids aren’t stupid, and they eventually figure out who the good guys and bad guys are. She threw away her children’s family, stability and emotional health, along with a “good enough” marriage that could have been very good with a little maturity and effort. My dad loved her and did not want to become the first divorced person in his family.

I think you have done all you can do. She has obviously decided that this will solve all her problems. Boy is she wrong. She now will have to co-parent with a person who will resent her and over whose actions she will have no influence. Her kids will be in a lot of pain, and it will come out in ways she never expected. When they find out she was the one who asked for the divorce, she will have hell to pay.

Most likely, they will both start dating and damage their kids even more. Ug…the whole thing is sickening. I think all you can do is pray for all involved. Do not support her decision in any way, including listening to her gossip about her husband or any griping about how hard divorce is, or how difficult her kids are being because of it. Just cut her off with, “I would rather not discuss that topic.”
 
Lorik said:
I agree. I’ve told her that her impossible quest for happiness will only lead her to misery. That her happiness is right in front of her and not to let go of it. She thinks I’m wrong.
She always wants to go out with single friends and be involved in that whole scene. She equates happiness with fun. Her husband is just a “stick in the mud”.
I’m afraid we’re to the point where I need to stop trying to talk her out of divorce or we will no longer talk.
So at what point do I quit? Should I have already or continue on even though it might mean the death of our friendship? We’ve been friends since grade school.
One thing keeps coming back to me though. At her wedding the priest said to us who were in the wedding " You are no longer a friend of the bride. You are no longer a friend of the groom. You are a friend of this marriage." Is my friend gone when the marriage is over?
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I dislike it when i hear married couples lament the single life, like it’s this great thing. It’s not. It has its pluses but it has hugh negatives also. HApiness comes from inside you not from the outside world. I would give up my single life in a heartbeat if i was to find a man who i could marry.

As a child of divorce I can say without a doubt that this will hard on the childern. They will lose respect for BOTH parents.
 
beckers said:
I dislike it when i hear married couples lament the single life, like it’s this great thing. It’s not. It has its pluses but it has hugh negatives also. HApiness comes from inside you not from the outside world. I would give up my single life in a heartbeat if i was to find a man who i could marry.

As a child of divorce I can say without a doubt that this will hard on the childern. They will lose respect for BOTH parents.
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No kidding… first dates…yuck!!! Single scene… Lonely!!! Learning how to deal with raising kids and new boyfriends… I know… my ex left me when mine were little… it was hell!
 
A very good friend of mine did the same thing. She was “unhappy” in her marriage, so she got a divorce. She is now not only unhappy, but one of her children is living with his grandmother and the other two are doing poorly in school. One of her sons has become quite overweight since the divorce and he is only 10 years old. The kids are angry and aggressive. They are struggling financially. She has been faced with extreme health issues and underwent several surgeries since her divorce. And now her boys have a new step-mommy to deal with…a 40 year old woman, who never had children because she didn’t want any and has made it pretty clear that their dad belongs to her, now.😦 Makes you want to run right to the divorce court, doesn’t it? I mean, who wouldn’t want a life like that for themselves and their kids?🤷 Happy, happy, happy!
 
Wow, thanks for the interesting perspectives.
She’s not really unhappy about it at all, is she? I feel so stupid for actually thinking she was. Otherwise she wouldn’t go through with it. I’ve given her reason after reason to stay and e-mailed all kinds of studies on the effects of divorce on kids but she doesn’t care. I don’t know what’s wrong with her. She’s like a different person than the person I thought I knew. She has been for a couple of years.
I’m the godmother to one of her kids. What can I do for my godchild?
 
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