A girl who is not my daughter is living here

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Country_Gal

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So, now I have a girl who is not my daughter, who has moved in with us. She lives in ‘Upper County’, where we moved from. She wants to go to school here. She prefers to be away from her Stepfather.

The positives are that, it provides a sisterly substitute for my very youngest daughter, whose older sister started college. My daughter is a senior and decided to attend the larger High School where we now reside, rather than commute.

The mother and I have spoken once, the girl will be here during the week, go home on weekends.

A young man, Travis, is now here visiting said girl. OMG, what have I taken on? I am a widowed mom of many years, and on my own. The Mom of the girl felt ‘a good feeling’ about her daughter coming here. I am an RN and work nights for a living, I’m worried about this whole thing. :eek:
 
I agree. :eek:

When you say visiting, do you mean he stopped by to say hi, watch a movie or the like? Or did is he planning on visiting over night or while you are gone?

I think it is time to lay down some ground rules.

No overnight guests, no guests when you are not there, no boys/men/guys in her room; would be a good start.
 
Country_Gal said:
I mean, she will be living here fo the school year.
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I understand your concern. I think it’s perfectly normal for a college age young lady to have a male caller or callers (ie boyfriends!) (LOL!) But it IS your home and you have graciously allowed her to stay there. The poster who suggested you set some rules is right on target in my opinion. Don’t wait until the problem blows up in your face. I have 2 grown daughter and raised 1 foster daughter as well. Teenagers will usually push you exactly as far as you let them–and no further. Also, let her know what the penalty will be if she breaks the rules you set. For instance, if you come home and find out that a boy has been there all night, perhaps you would be sending her home to the step dad she hates–or whatever your plan is. I’m assuming that she hasn’t rented a room from you as this might put a little different spin on the situation if there’s a legal rental agreement. The bottom line is that she has the right to men friends–she’s old enough to in college–and what she does with them outside your home is not your business. What she does in your home, around your younger daughter and while you are absent IS very much your business. By the way–I’m a nurse practitioner! GO NURSES!!!👍
 
Let me clarify, this girl is a sophomore in High School. My daughter is a senior. I told the mom I need food money.
 
Country_Gal said:
Let me clarify, this girl is a sophomore in High School. My daughter is a senior. I told the mom I need food money.
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Either this is too much for you, or you need to parent said girl 🤷 I’d think it would be much easier to protect the purity of a teenage girl than someone older.
 
Country_Gal said:
Let me clarify, this girl is a sophomore in High School. My daughter is a senior. I told the mom I need food money.
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Then the girl definitely needs some rules and she needs to know you are serious. I didn’t let any of my kids (boys or girls) date until they were 16 and then they had to be home by 11 p,m on weekends until they were a senior and 10 p.m. if I actually let them out on a school night for some event. (…such as a football games. I’m from Texas and all the Soph and JV games are usually Thursday night–Varsity plays Friday,) BUT them dating ANY time was always dependent on things like grades and behavior. My oldest girl is now 42 and she was a regular social butterfly. She was also incredibly beautiful (didn’t get it from me) and very popular. She was a cheerleader from junior high through college even. The worst part was that like many young girls, she never met a good looking boy aged 25 years or more with a fine car that she wasn’t immediately attracted to—and of course, since she was an eye full, older boys were always tailing her–right along with the high school age ones.

We put a set of rules in writing and made her sign them—including things like no dating boys more than a year older than her. Did she ever get busted? You betcha! But she knew when we caught her she lost all privileges including her phone for various amounts of time. Thus, she had to decide in advance whether breaking a rule was worth it in the long term. Like you, I worked mainly nights–7 p.m. to 7 a.m. I also had 4 kids younger than her and my husband sleeps like a log so she knew she could sneak out right past him. She also knew that (as she used to describe it) “Mama rode a broom!” so she didn’t mess with me too often. She’s now married to a great man with 2 kids of her own. Basically what I’m saying is that there probably isn’t just one correct answer to how you should handle this girl. But it shouldn’t matter to you what her rules were or are when she is with her mom. It’s your house and your rules and if she doesn’t like them–well hey—let her go home to her mama! What were the rules with your older girl? Will you use the same rules for your younger girl? If so, there ya go! There’s your rules for the girl! 👍
 
This all just started this week. My daughter has not yet dated. She is a blond, blue eyed bombshell actually. The rules are, no boys over when I’m gone, doors to room open when boys over. My daughter must be in by midnight on non-school nights.
 
The mother of the girl is supposed to give me money for food which has not yet occurred. I told her $7 a day. (USDA average estimate ) The mother will pick up girl Saturday mornings and have her on weekends.
 
Country_Gal said:
This all just started this week. My daughter has not yet dated. She is a blond, blue eyed bombshell actually. The rules are, no boys over when I’m gone, doors to room open when boys over. My daughter must be in by midnight on non-school nights.
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These are all very sound rules. You just need to make sure to enforce them.

Just to clarify (and maybe I missed it), but that boy is not staying overnight or anything like that is he?

If he is just stopping over to spend time with her and get to know her then I would say that is standard for courting a young woman.
 
joshvanrad said:
These are all very sound rules. You just need to make sure to enforce them.

Just to clarify (and maybe I missed it), but that boy is not staying overnight or anything like that is he?

If he is just stopping over to spend time with her and get to know her then I would say that is standard for courting a young woman.
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Most certainly not. My fear is, I am a single mother and I work nights. I need to have someone do an unannounced visit now and then. I texted the mother of the girl, I think she needs to help out with that. She lives a 25 minute drive from here. I don’t know this girl well, she has been respectful so far.

I will have a one strike you’re out policy if a major rule is violated.
 
Country_Gal said:
Most certainly not. My fear is, I am a single mother and I work nights. I need to have someone do an unannounced visit now and then. I texted the mother of the girl, I think she needs to help out with that. She lives a 25 minute drive from here. I don’t know this girl well, she has been respectful so far.

I will have a one strike you’re out policy if a major rule is violated.
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To me, it seems like you are taking the appropriate steps and handling things well. I would try to calm down though. The best thing you could do for everyone involved is sit down and get to know this girl and her intentions when you’ve got the time. It would be constructive to do the same with the boy since he keeps hanging around.

I think having someone stop in and check on them from time to time is acceptable in order to keep them accountable. But keep in mind that these “children” are nearly the age of adults and they should begin to wade into who they will be as an adult. Hopefully with your guidance they can become well-formed and balanced adults by the time that age hits.

Monitoring them slightly would be acceptable, but I would try to avoid going 1984 on them, due to their age.

Setting firm ground rules is the most important part! You’re doing a good job.
 
I spoke with the girl’s mom. She seems to be on the same page. She will be making occasional, unannounced visits on my days off. Also her College daughter lives in town, is very much a parental ally, and will do the same.

My parental anxiety level this year is very high. This is my youngest child of six, I’m exhausted and worried, I feel alone more than ever in this task, and so much is at stake. Additionally, this move, although a good one, has been a stressor.

Pray for me!
 
Bless you for helping out the girl and her mom. It’s a big responsibility to raise a teenager. Just be honest and firm with the girl let her know the ground rules and what you expect. Treat her like an adult and not a small child teenager respect you more when you treat them as younger adults and not little kids. Make sure the mom gives you food money at least for her upkeep. Keep track of the money she gives in case there’s ever a dispute. It might be a good idea for her to give you checks so there’s a money trail if you ever have to prove anything or show there was an agreement for reimbursement of food expenses. A written agreement would be best but a trail of consistant checks would hold up in court. Or a written record of expenses received.
 
Update here: The girl will be moving out today, she got suspended at school for smoking pot on campus. I just got the call from the assistant principal. Her mother is picking her up now…

My daughter, thank God, was not involved.
 
Country_Gal said:
Update here: The girl will be moving out today, she got suspended at school for smoking pot on campus. I just got the call from the assistant principal. Her mother is picking her up now…

My daughter, thank God, was not involved.
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Good for you for sticking to your guns. If you hadn’t, the potential consequences could be devastating. Leaving aside the very real possibility that she could get your daughter involved in this sort of thing, drug laws are extremely strict. A sufficient quantity in your home, if you own the house, would be sufficient to have the house taken from you and sold. Not good.

It’s unfortunate that she repaid your kindness in this way, but perhaps she will learn a lesson through it.
 
It’s too bad things didn’t work out. You gave her a very good opportunity.
 
Country_Gal said:
Update here: The girl will be moving out today, she got suspended at school for smoking pot on campus. I just got the call from the assistant principal. Her mother is picking her up now…

My daughter, thank God, was not involved.
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This is a sad event–but it proves two things that I’ve always inherently believed. Firstly, something made you nervous about this girl–even though you never quite put your finger on what it really was–at least on this forum. When I became nervous about something involving my kids when I was raising them, I learned to “drive by the seat of my pants”–cause usually I was right to be nervous–even when I couldn’t quite pin-point exactly why.

Secondly, things work out, thank God. You were worried about leaving this young woman home with your daughter at night while you worked. The problem is solved!
 
Yes, I am relieved that I had a cut and dried exit from a situation that was making me uneasy. My daughter totally understood, although disappointed.
 
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