I’m starting to think the Prots aren’t 100% wrong in their take on salvation. I never thought there was absolutely NO truth in their views, varied as they are, but emotionally speaking, one of their arguments is starting to make a lot more sense.
I’ve had some cordial run-ins with a couple of Protestants lately. Salvation always comes up, primarily, I assume, because they’re always asking me if I’m “saved.” I give them the Catholic answer–“I’m working on it”–and they press me from all kinds of angles. It always comes down to the same conversation. I always ask them if they really believe that if a person sins gravely, he wasn’t really “saved” in the first place, and then push to show how absurd such thinking is. If you believe that, only two conclusions are possible: 1) The truly “saved” can no longer sin–at least not so bad you lose Heaven. Or 2), you can never have assurance of salvation, because even if you reconvert you can never know if THIS conversion really “took.”
Until the last week or so, the Catholic case for working out our salvation in “fear and trembling” has seemed airtight. But my recent actions have rocked my faith in repentence and even free will.
I won’t go into the details, but I’ve fallen–hard. I’ve done something I didn’t think I was capable of. (No, nothing illegal). I’ve been through the fires–mostly of my own making–all my life, but my recent “reversion” has been so cleansing, so peace-filled, that I thought I was well-equipped to handle anything. But now, I see that not only have I not changed, I’m worse than I’ve ever been.
This is what makes me question the power of grace. If I thought I was sincere all this time, how could I be so stupid? I used to flirt with the idea that predestination is the way it is, that God creates people knowing perfectly well who would choose Hell. Until this week, I had been able to forget that and believe what the Church teaches. Now, I’m pretty sure some of us are marked. I don’t blame God–I totally blame myself for my sins–but I am carved out and empty, hating myself more than I ever have before.
How can there be repentence for someone who, with full knowledge of his actions, sins gravely? I don’t know. I doubt it’s possible.
