A hypothethical question about being with a divorced man

[Biyu]

Hi everyone,

I’m a single woman, never married, never had sex with anyone.

I met a divorced man. He told me his wife was an alcoholic and that she cheated on him. We kissed and hugged a lot. I told about this situation one of the main priests in my church. I thought there was something wrong with my conscience because what we did (NO SEX!) was sinful, I knew that, however, despite knowing this my conscience DOES NOT tell me that I did something wrong. My priest told me that it’s true it was sinful and that I should go to confession (which I did) but he also told me not to look for the sin where the sin was absent, because my conscience tells me so and this is what I should stick to, that maybe it happened because it was supposed to happen… for a reason only God knows. **<— and please, don’t treat my priest’s words as an excuse to sin, it’s not like that.

Moreover, please keep in mind this verse:

Romans 14: “22 So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves. 23 But whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.”
**
What I wonder about is that… I know he cannot have a sacramental marriage. But what if we would fall in love and we would have a civil marriage, would it still be sinful in God’s eyes? His wife cheated on him, kind of like he’s a free man. I know that a divorce from a church is needed… but it takes a lot of time here and a lot of money. Moreover, I keep in mind that Jesus didn’t damn Mary Magdalene. Why would I have to damn a man just because he’s divorced?

It’s not like I plan on something, it’s just that I always keep wondering and think hypotheticaly.

**I’ll greatly appreciate your opinions.
**

 

[Della]

The man is still a married man even if his wife cheated on him. He’s not “free” to marry anyone else. That’s the truth of the matter, my dear.

However, if when they married she had no intention of remaining faithful, that would be grounds for an annulment. But, that’s up to him to pursue, and that wouldn’t be possible unless they divorced. The Church does not look into the sacramentality of marriages unless a couple divorces.

These are the hard facts here that you must accept or end up truly living in sin, for to marry civilly without an annulment would be sin and you and he would be living in sin.

There’s a big, red flag here, too. I have to warn you or I couldn’t feel I’ve really helped you. You’re already begun doing the things that only couples free to date may do. He’s told you his wife is a cheater, but what evidence do you have of that except his word for it? You are very vulnerable in this situation, and he could be using you to get what he wants with no commitment to you.

Run from this man as fast as you can. A man who tells another woman that he’s “free” because his wife cheats and tells you he is therefore free to date you is not to be trusted. Look for someone who is actually free to marry and have nothing more to do with this man.

 

[Biyu]

He didn’t say he’s a free man. That’s what I said in my mind knowing his wife cheated on him etc.

He’s a good man, he didn’t say a bad word about his ex-wife. He said a few things which happened between them and one of his friends (and my as well) told me about him and his situation.

I keep in mind that if even if God makes us be together, then I would never damn a good man. That is just not fair, that’s what I think.

Please keep in mind that as for today I don’t have any plans or anything like that.

 

[Della]

He didn’t say he’s a free man. That’s what I said in my mind knowing his wife cheated on him etc.

He’s a good man, he didn’t say a bad word about his ex-wife. He said a few things which happened between them and one of his friends (and my as well) told me about him and his situation.

I keep in mind that if even if God makes us be together, then I would never damn a good man. That is just not fair, that’s what I think.

Please keep in mind that as for today I don’t have any plans or anything like that.

Thank you for explaining a bit more.

The situation then is this–he’s a married man not currently free to marry anyone else. And you don’t have a serious relationship with him. Still, kissing and hugging while he’s married and not free to be dating another is not a good thing. His wife and he have to resolve their situation before he is free to pursue any other relationship. It’s not fair to his wife or to any other woman he may date until he does.

God does condemn us for committing mortal sin, but our culpability for that sin is between us, our confessor and God. Being good means acting in a good way. Your friend is in a hard place, but he’s got to do something about it before involving you or anyone else.

This is not a good situation and could all too easily lead either him or both of you into a worse situation. You may want to hold off on getting in any deeper until he’s divorced and received an annulment. If you let your emotions get involved it will be harder to extricate yourself from something that could turn very bad for all involved.

 

[Gorgias]

I keep in mind that if even if God makes us be together

God wouldn’t “make” you be together with a married man. This guy is a married man.

, then I would never damn a good man. That is just not fair, that’s what I think.

Is it fair to his wife that he’s cheating with you? Does her infidelity give him a free pass to cheat on her? Or, is it sinful for him to be with another woman while still married (in the eyes of God) to his wife?

If he’s free to marry (either by annulment or otherwise), then perhaps God will bring you together. If he’s not free to marry, then it’s not God bringing you together.

Please keep in mind that as for today I don’t have any plans or anything like that.

Ahh… but you’re thinking about plans. And, these plans have to do with being with a divorced man. This ‘thinking about it’ is called “the near occasion of sin”, and we’re supposed to avoid it!

 

[1ke]

Biyu, It sounds like your priest is a good and holy man who can help you. You need him to teach you more about the sacrament of marriage and why Catholics cannot simply marry in a civil marriage. it is not a marriage at all.

Go to your priest and ask him to explain marriage to you, and also annulment. I do not know if this man has any grounds to seek an annulment. But as it is, he is NOT free to marry you so you should not pursue a relationship until and unless he is free.

Go talk to your priest. You will get a lot of confusing information here, and not everyone will post with Catholic information or motives. The best person to talk to is your priest.

He can also help you understand Catholic conscience formation, which MUST always be based on what the Church teaches, not what we feel or wish were true.

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

It’s possible this man has grounds for an annulment, so that’s something, I guess.

 

[Wesrock]

Moreover, I keep in mind that Jesus didn’t damn Mary Magdalene.

Mary Magdalene was possessed by several demons and repented and became a follower of Jesus. The prostitute who was going to be stoned was told that she wasn’t condemned but was told that she should sin no more. We are all judged at death with no ability to repent after.

Why would I have to damn a man just because he’s divorced?

Not having a relationship with a man is not the same thing as damning him. What you would be both be doing would be leading each other into sin. You’re not being called to judge him, you’re being called to not walk with him into serious sin.

His marriage is presumed valid unless demonstrated invalid through the annulment process. Your current relationship with him is presumed to be adultery because he is still presumed married.

This isn’t judgment. I’m not condemning you. Warning you of sin is not condemnation.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Your affection for this man dealt a big knockout punch to your conscience in this situation.

This is going to come off like a jaded old diner waitress, but every single divorced man, or separated man, or man who is not (yet) divorced or separated but is having trouble in his marriage, has some sob story to tell to new women he meets to get them to feel sorry for him and try to make him feel better. However, if you are a Catholic, you know you are putting yourself at risk of getting into a very bad situation by continuing being romantic, or even close potential romantic, friends with a man who is not free to marry you. It’s playing with fire and you would be better off just not going there, for the good of your own soul.

If this man seriously cares about you then he would look into getting an annulment BEFORE he starts acting in ways that men do with their girlfriends, such as kissing and hugging you. If he is not motivated to do that, then forget him and find a man who is free.

Apart from the Catholic angle, remember that when it comes to divorces, separations or breakups, there are three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth. Truth is often somewhere in the middle between his and hers. I would take whatever this man says about his former spouse with a giant grain of salt until you got to know him very well, which takes probably a couple of years.

This has nothing to do with “damning” a “good” man (I would be suspicious that he is so “good” if he is behaving this way with you knowing that you are a Catholic and he’s causing you to sin) and everything to do with you avoiding harm to your soul and a potentially messy situation. :twocents:

 

[Mary_Estelle]

You are in a sticky situation, but you know that or you wouldn’t be posting here. You are also aiding the man by allowing the hugging and kissing which is just the next step to the next step. Everyone has given you good counsel. It is up to you to listen, take action and avoid what you know may come after the hugging and kissing. In reading your post it sounds more like the man is doing the cheating and playing games with your heart and innocence. If you can walk on fire without getting burned you are quite an exception. Peace and prayers.

 

[venite_adoremus]

Run, run, as fast as you can.

 

[joeybaggz]

y. greatly appreciate your opinions.

A question, how old are the two of you? Big difference if you are in your early twenties or in your mid forties (or older). Age and level of maturity would play a significant role in someone (including yourself) making a valid judgment on your situation. Something a good priest or confessor would be able to do.

One thing I thought when reading your post is that if this man is in such a bad situation, why doesn’t he rectify it before romantically striking out in a new direction. It sounds to me as if he is looking for something transient with no intention of addressing his current situation. He might simply be playing you for a fool???

Good luck.

 

[pianistclare]

This relationship will go nowhere. Get out now.
He’s not free to date anyone. The heartache will be far worse later, and he may ask you to compromise your beliefs.
No bueno.

 

[Biyu]

Thank you so much for you all your replies.

I’m 32. It’s not a childish play with someone. I don’t even know if he has only civil marriage or a catholic too. I haven’t asked him. We’re not in touch now. Even if he doesn’t contact me, it’s all good as well. Why should I worry? It’s in God’s hands.

These were the things I have never experiences so much. I want to prepared and know what to do, in any case.

Still… Despite what you all said here and despite the fact he only has a civil divorce… it still says in my conscience that he’s free, maybe because I kind of know his ex-wife cheated on him…

One thing is sad, it’s that even if we would be together (civil marriage only) then I know I wouldn’t be allowed to accept Jesus during the communion. And I know this would hurt me and make me sad. Maybe I’m about to choose? Jesus or a divorced man? Of course I know, I would choose Jesus. Moreover, as far as I know God will judge us by deeds of Love, not by sacraments, right?

BUT! I remember there was somewhere in the Bible, I can’t find it but - there’s something about someone breaking Sabbath Law and their deeds were actually justified. I’ll keep looking for this verse. What I mean is that sometimes you may break the law if the intention is good, if LOVE is on the first place, not the intention for the sin.

 

[Roseeurekacross]

Judging from your other thread,

Stop being attracted to/ interested in/ being conned by

Married men.

There are single men out there your age. Get your moral compass in order, according to our Catholic faith . Then apply this moral compass very critically with any man who wants a date.

Make a checklist

1. Is he married
2. Is he divorced civilally? If so is he Annulled.
   If he is not annulled, he is not free.
3. Is he bad mouthing his ex’s
4. Does he attend Mass
5. Just say no to kissing and hugging.

 

[Biyu]

Judging from your other thread,

I was aware someone may mention this. Last year it just happened. I have never told this man what I felt to him, I didn’t even talk to him much. Very rarely. I knew he was married and that I couldn’t do anything. What I felt to him was my own. I didn’t even want him to know. I prayed a lot and the situation got cleared up in December. I’m no longer in love with him.

Don’t judge me by last feeling to a different man. It just happened. You can’t control whom you love. What matters is what you will do about it.

Here, the situation is different with this man. And, as you seem not to notice - I do now stay in touch with him.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Biyu, do you not have a mama telling you that these married men are bad news? Because mine sure did, and she was right.
I do not mean to be harsh, but your posts about love sound extremely naive; they sound more like something a 19-year-old would write than a lady in her 30s.
Please make an effort to meet more single, free men. Pray to St. Joseph that he sends you just the right man, who is free to have a relationship with and marry you.

 

[Wesrock]

Still… Despite what you all said here and despite the fact he only has a civil divorce… it still says in my conscience that he’s free, maybe because I kind of know his ex-wife cheated on him…

Adultery doesn’t invalidate a marriage. Adultery doesn’t set a spouse free. Your conscience might not be the best guide here.

BUT! I remember there was somewhere in the Bible, I can’t find it but - there’s something about someone breaking Sabbath Law and their deeds were actually justified. I’ll keep looking for this verse. What I mean is that sometimes you may break the law if the intention is good, if LOVE is on the first place, not the intention for the sin.

This would be along the lines of breaking a Lenten fast because your health is in danger, or something emergent came up. Or missing Sunday mass or your nightly prayers because your child just broke her arm and you need to take him to the emergency room. It’s not about excusing a long-term commitment to adultery just because it feels right. Deciding not to sin with someone is not the same as condemning him.

 

[pianistclare]

I was aware someone may mention this. Last year it just happened. I have never told this man what I felt to him, I didn’t even talk to him much. Very rarely. I knew he was married and that I couldn’t do anything. What I felt to him was my own. I didn’t even want him to know. I prayed a lot and the situation got cleared up in December. I’m no longer in love with him.

Don’t judge me by last feeling to a different man. It just happened. You can’t control whom you love. What matters is what you will do about it.

Here, the situation is different with this man. And, as you seem not to notice - I do now stay in touch with him.

Past history is very relevant. People play the “judging” card when they don’t like what they hear.
Everyone is telling you the truth; that’s what you came here for right? Truth?
Or simply permission.

Most of the people here are practicing Catholics. No one is going to tell you to just take a chance on this guy. For a person who says there is nothing going on, you are speculating a lot about what might be.

It’s not going to work out. It’s going to bring you heartache and put your soul in danger.
IT’S NOT WORTH IT.
Wes is right. You’re not interpreting what you think you remember in the Bible correctly. God doesn’t give passes for sin. Your situation is definitely AVOIDABLE.

It’s like playing on the freeway. No bueno.

 

[Della]

I was aware someone may mention this. Last year it just happened. I have never told this man what I felt to him, I didn’t even talk to him much. Very rarely. I knew he was married and that I couldn’t do anything. What I felt to him was my own. I didn’t even want him to know. I prayed a lot and the situation got cleared up in December. I’m no longer in love with him.

You seem to have a tendency to be attracted to married men–and I think I know why. At your age there aren’t very many men the same age bracket that aren’t married. Why not try an online Catholic dating service instead of getting involved with people like these men?

Don’t judge me by last feeling to a different man. It just happened. You can’t control whom you love. What matters is what you will do about it.

Love isn’t merely a feeling–it’s a commitment you make–a decision you make. And you are deciding to chance married men who are unhappy in their relationships. Don’t do it. You’ll end up with no one, a broken heart and perhaps worse than that.

Here, the situation is different with this man. And, as you seem not to notice - I do now stay in touch with him.

What you want to know is if you can go on cultivating these kinds of relationships because you don’t see anything wrong with dating men unhappy in their marriages. The answer is–no you can’t. Adultery is one of the Ten Commandments that cannot be violated without committing mortal sin. If you were to marry a divorced man who hadn’t gotten an annulment it’d be worse that not being able to receive communion–it would mean unrepentantly living in mortal sin.

What you are saying is–never mind what God commands, you know better because you would be “in love.” No, you’re romanticizing these situations with these men to the point you’d live in mortal sin just to be married. This is not good and will lead only to great unhappiness for you.