A Letter from the Wife of a Porn Addict

[mdgspencer]

“We simply suffer and die inside alone.”
see aleteia.org/2014/05/05/a-letter-from-the-wife-of-a-porn-addict/

 

[twf]

I do not in any way deny that pornography is a grave evil. It is destructive without a doubt. That being said, as a man, I very much struggle with some of the points this wife makes…and I am very interested to hear other people’s responses because I have heard similar comments in various threads on this forum. Specifically, the idea that an affair with a real woman would somehow be better and more tolerable than porn. If we are talking about her raw feelings as a woman, I can’t say she is wrong…feelings are feelings. However, from the man’s perspective this doesn’t make sense to me. As a man who has struggled with porn I can say the following:

1. it was always an empty experience devoid of any sort of emotion or personal attachment…it was never anything more than images…there was no sense of there being a real person, a real woman on any level whatsoever.
2. There was never a sense of it being something that replaces my wife. Sex with my wife has always and always will be vastly, vastly superior to anything pornography could offer. It filled voids when I was separated from her or not able to be with her in that way and always felt like an empty, disgraceful, poor substitute.
3. If I had an affair with a real woman…there would be emotional investment…there would be real true competition…she would literally take the place of my wife on an emotional and physical level. I just don’t see the comparison at all.

Again, no doubt it is destructive and gravely immoral…but I don’t understand how an affair can be something “less grave”.

 

[Irishmom2]

“We simply suffer and die inside alone.”
see aleteia.org/2014/05/05/a-letter-from-the-wife-of-a-porn-addict/

Thanks for posting this.

It is my wish that any man that reads this article will put aside the fact that they disagree with whether porn or an affair is more destructive and really listen to what this woman wrote. There is so much more to what she said than that one point.

Woman feel rejected whether men feel empty inside or not when they view porn. They feel alone, inadequate, sad, and angry whether men feel guilt, or disgust with themselves after viewing porn.

Let’s keep in mind that the article was not from a man’s point of view. Some consider it to be one sided. Yes, it was, but that is what it was about. It was not written to show a man’s perspective. There is no wrong to what this woman wrote because she wrote about what **she **felt. And about what she knows that other women also feel.

If men can take anything away from this article and from this woman writing about her feelings it should be that they ask themselves "is it worth making my wife feel this way? Knowing how it makes her feel, can I justify what I see and do for the sake of something that is so morally wrong for my soul? "

 

[twf]

Thanks for posting this.

It is my wish that any man that reads this article will put aside the fact that they disagree with whether porn or an affair is more destructive and really listen to what this woman wrote. There is so much more to what she said than that one point.

Woman feel rejected whether men feel empty inside or not when they view porn. They feel alone, inadequate, sad, and angry whether men feel guilt, or disgust with themselves after viewing porn.

Let’s keep in mind that the article was not from a man’s point of view. Some consider it to be one sided. Yes, it was, but that is what it was about. It was not written to show a man’s perspective. There is no wrong to what this woman wrote because she wrote about what **she **felt. And about what she knows that other women also feel.

If men can take anything away from this article and from this woman writing about her feelings it should be that they ask themselves "is it worth making my wife feel this way? Knowing how it makes her feel, can I justify what I see and do for the sake of something that is so morally wrong for my soul? "

Those feelings need to be validated, certainly. But is it not possible for women to, at least in time, find some consolation from the man’s perspective as part of the healing process? Priests certainly treat it very differently. Does not addressing the objective reality have some merit in facilitating the healing process?
This must be a difference in female / male psychology. I think any man would agree that his wife having even a non-physical emotional affair with another man would be a thousand times more hurtful, more devastating than his wife looking at images of naked men on the internet.

 

[Irishmom2]

Those feelings need to be validated, certainly. But is it not possible for women to, at least in time, find some consolation from the man’s perspective as part of the healing process? Priests certainly treat it very differently. Does not addressing the objective reality have some merit in facilitating the healing process?
This must be a difference in female / male psychology. I think any man would agree that his wife having even a non-physical emotional affair with another man would be a thousand times more hurtful, more devastating than his wife looking at images of naked men on the internet.

I don’t think women find consolation in men saying “it doesn’t mean anything…its just a photo…I feel guilty afterwards…I feel empty.” Perhaps you can explain how women can find consolation in that line of thinking.

I do agree that there is a difference in male/female psychology, and that may be part of the problem. Sometimes just knowing that we think differently can help in how we approach things, but in this instance, it may not work.

 

[OrdinaryMelkite]

As a struggling/recovering porn addict himself, I can say that what aggravates the situation is the fact that there is no emotional attachment---------it is fantasy plus novelty and the “love” of the forbidden. with a big dose of loneliness and feelings of inadequacy regarding the opposite sex----at least from MY POV. PLUS the fact that the images stay in your mind and come back at odd moments-----one wants to relive them. Or see something more extreme, to be honest. People have no idea how difficult porn addiction is. Pray for me.

Great letter. And I pray for the woman and her entire family, including the husband.

I wish everyone would read that letter. :

 

[MikeWest]

The woman who feels victimized by her husband’s actions
is carrying a cross.

When we take our suffering and unite it with the suffering
of Jesus, we can convert more from sin
than a missionary going to a different continent to
convert non-believers.

In light of this, I would urge the wife to not take
it personally. This is very common these days
with all sorts of christian male believers.

It won’t stop until the porn addict overcomes the
mental issues that caused him to seek pleasure
from porn.

Jesus can overcome those issues if the porn
addict fervently asks Jesus for help.

Before I got married, a daily communicant Catholic man told me not
to get married because they were not feeling
any sort of intimacy in their marriages.

They told me that after two years of marriage, the
intimacy was unilaterally stopped by their wives
and they felt unappreciated and duped.

I interrogated all the catholic married men I knew
and asked them about this. To my chagrin, they said it was true.

 

[Irishmom2]

In light of this, I would urge the wife to not take
it personally. This is very common these days
with all sorts of christian male believers.
Maybe you didn’t mean it, but this sounds like " You should not take this personally because boys will be boys."

Before I got married, a daily communicant Catholic man told me not
to get married because they were not feeling
any sort of intimacy in their marriages.

They told me that after two years of marriage, the
intimacy was unilaterally stopped by their wives
and they felt unappreciated and duped.

I interrogated all the catholic married men I knew
and asked them about this. To my chagrin, they said it was true.

I don’t believe this to be true for the majority of marriages, but even if it were true, what is your point? Are you implying that that is the cause of men viewing porn?

 

[twf]

I don’t think women find consolation in men saying “it doesn’t mean anything…its just a photo…I feel guilty afterwards…I feel empty.” Perhaps you can explain how women can find consolation in that line of thinking.

I do agree that there is a difference in male/female psychology, and that may be part of the problem. Sometimes just knowing that we think differently can help in how we approach things, but in this instance, it may not work.

Fair enough. At the same time, I, as a man, might potentially just fall into utter despair and completely give up if my wife’s response was “I wish you had gone off with another woman rather than look at porn”. I remember a woman on another thread, a long while ago, suggesting that she would rather marry a man who had many women sexual partners prior to marriage than a man who had viewed porn prior to marriage. It seems that in general women view pornography as something far more damaging, at least in their emotional response to it, than illicit relationships with real people - both within and without the context of marriage. It is very difficult to understand this from a male perspective. Emotional ties aside, one must consider the potential of diseases and even additional offspring complicating matters.
I’m not sure how universal this response is for women. My own wife barely blinked when, during engagement, I confessed that I had struggled with (and since confessed) porn in the past, because it was before we were together…but showed very intense jealousy with female friends - real women, potential competition (in her mind).
I will think on it.

 

[Irishmom2]

Fair enough. At the same time, I, as a man, might potentially just fall into utter despair and completely give up if my wife’s response was “I wish you had gone off with another woman rather than look at porn”. Well, I don’t blame you there. I find that idea to be ridiculous myself.

I’m not sure how universal this response is for women. My own wife barely blinked when, during engagement, I confessed that I had struggled with (and since confessed) porn in the past, because it was before we were together…but showed very intense jealousy with female friends - real women, potential competition (in her mind). I would say that My own thinking would agree more with your wife.
I will think on it.

 

[drac16]

I feel the pain in her words. They are the words of a person who feels trapped. A pornography addiction is, in my opinion, one of the most selfish kinds of addiction one can have. When a pornography addict is viewing pornography, it’s as though their faith is hovering over their body and, after they finish, their faith re-enters their body. Sexual lust has an ability to make people [literally] lose their mind.

Sometimes it just comes down to willpower. You have to be willing to go to war against sin. “Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul” (1 Peter 2:11).

 

[RomanoAmerio]

The woman who feels victimized by her husband’s actions
is carrying a cross.

When we take our suffering and unite it with the suffering
of Jesus, we can convert more from sin
than a missionary going to a different continent to
convert non-believers.

In light of this, I would urge the wife to not take
it personally. This is very common these days
with all sorts of christian male believers.

It won’t stop until the porn addict overcomes the
mental issues that caused him to seek pleasure
from porn.

Jesus can overcome those issues if the porn
addict fervently asks Jesus for help.

Before I got married, a daily communicant Catholic man told me not
to get married because they were not feeling
any sort of intimacy in their marriages.

They told me that after two years of marriage, the
intimacy was unilaterally stopped by their wives
and they felt unappreciated and duped.

I interrogated all the catholic married men I knew
and asked them about this. To my chagrin, they said it was true.

Dear Mike West,

As a man of science, I must remind you that generalizing from a tiny sample is both logically and statistically unsound.

If your sample had consisted of Dr. Taylor Marshall, Scott Hahn and Dave Armstrong (or even RomanoAmerio ) you might have obtained a different result.

Scientists refer to pornography as an addiction, and to Internet pornography as the “Crack Cocaine” of sexual addiction because of three properties: accessibility, anonymity and affordability. Once hooked, it is very hard to escape.

Blaming the spouse alone for a problem that has complex origins (the abandonment of God, the devaluation of marriage, a culture of effeminacy and hedonism, the wide access to pornographic material over the Internet, and many more factors that I will refrain from listing here) is merely compounding the offence and enabling the addict.

Rather than condemning this wife for voicing her views, and adding a spurious “Gallup poll” of your own to justify this stance, you ought to pray for all men afflicted with this grievous sin, which according to Our Lady of Fatima casts many souls into Hell.

 

[Iron_Donkey]

If men can take anything away from this article and from this woman writing about her feelings it should be that they ask themselves "is it worth making my wife feel this way? Knowing how it makes her feel, can I justify what I see and do for the sake of something that is so morally wrong for my soul? "

First, I’m not disagreeing with you. I think you’re right - just adding some context from the other side, as I understand it (other men’s experiences may differ. I should also say that I am single).

The problem with this particular temptation is that we know that the answer to the question you raise is no. Heck, we knew/know it wasn’t worth it when we were/are single, usually. We know that’s it’s horrible, we know it causes problems. And though we certainly always have the ability to reject the temptation, at its strongest it almost feels like a physical force pushing on us, and it warps our thinking. We can simultaneously have the thought “this is horrible, I shouldn’t do this, why am I even thinking about it” and also “I won’t look at anything I shouldn’t, really, I just [obvious excuse we know is a lie]”. And sometimes the wrong thought wins, and we almost shut down thinking altogether, until the right thought claws it’s way back into our brain, and we realize what we just did. And then there is horrendous shame.

It’s insidious. As Paul writes “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” When we fail in this particular temptation, it feels not so much like we just decide to do evil, but that we were crushed under a weight we were trying to hold off because our muscles failed.

Does this excuse it? No. Does it change the consequences in any way? No. But understand that we don’t want to disregard these ill effects, it’s just that we’re not as strong as we’d like to be. It’s evil, but it’s weakness, not malice.

I don’t think women find consolation in men saying “it doesn’t mean anything…its just a photo…I feel guilty afterwards…I feel empty.” Perhaps you can explain how women can find consolation in that line of thinking.

I do agree that there is a difference in male/female psychology, and that may be part of the problem. Sometimes just knowing that we think differently can help in how we approach things, but in this instance, it may not work.

What I at least hope is that there can be some consolation from the fact that it’s weakness and not malice, and that the fact that the problem is pervasive across men in all situations (single, happily married, not so happily married) shows that it really is not because she isn’t good enough. It’s because we’re not good enough.

Though we know it hurts her and doesn’t help us at all, much less in the way a wife would, and even though sometimes focusing on the evil it causes may help us fight it off, we are weak. We do the very thing we hate.

 

[bmaj]

“We simply suffer and die inside alone.”
see aleteia.org/2014/05/05/a-letter-from-the-wife-of-a-porn-addict/

Excellent letter from a very distraught wife. Thanks so much for sharing, mdgspencer. As another wife living in a similar marriage, I feel her pain all too well. My opinion differs from hers in that I myself think an actual affair by my husband would be worse than the porn, but I don’t think many husbands truly understand how horribly degrading and disrespectful their porn use is to their wives - and how much it hurts us to the absolute core. I did take note of the last paragraph of the linked letter which indicated the wife wished there were some kind of support group for her and other wives whose husbands view porn. If there are any other wives out there reading this, there is such an anonymous support group here at Catholic Answers titled, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity,” which deals specifically with this sad state in a marriage. (See the link at the top of this CAF page under “Groups,”) The group has helped me tremendously in my marriage, and it may be beneficial to other wives as well. I have read about many husbands here at CAF with a porn addiction, and most seem to feel guilt and remorse about it and confess it during the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I wish that were the case with my husband, but unfortunately there doesn’t seem to be that remorse, and the thought of any type of confession of that particular sin or any others to a Priest is scoffed at by him. This hurts me as a wife even more than knowing he views porn, unfortunately, but it can help other wives to know that you’re definitely not alone. Our Lord’s peace to all of you.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

First, I’m not disagreeing with you. I think you’re right - just adding some context from the other side, as I understand it (other men’s experiences may differ. I should also say that I am single).

Thank you for not presuming to speak for all men. It seems whenever porn is discussed, many people assume this is a “battle of the sexes” issue and that all men are the same and all women are the same when it comes to this issue, and I think that is too simplistic.

It should also be noted that there are women who suffer from porn addiction as well. I suspect the numbers are higher than most assume, because it is so much of a stigma in the Christian community for women to actually have a problem with sexual sin. Whereas men seem to be almost expected to struggle with porn addiction, masturbation, or even.temptation to commit adultery - some Evangelical material on this even direct wives to thank God every day if their husbands manage to fight the temptation to do so. Or advise them that the only way to prevent adultery is to have sex on demand, and if they refuse, they are responsible if the husbands commit adultery.

There’s an idea that “God made men to have sexual temptations, but He didn’t make women that way, so a woman who has this struggle isn’t just a sinner, but a degenerate who is going against the way God designed her”. I have noticed that the rare female CAF posters who do admit to this being an issue, often assume they are the only ones who do.

 

[Wedge_Antilles]

I’m not sure how universal this response is for women. My own wife barely blinked when, during engagement, I confessed that I had struggled with (and since confessed) porn in the past, because it was before we were together…but showed very intense jealousy with female friends - real women, potential competition (in her mind).
I will think on it.

I suspect this is because most women are unprepared for the grip porn can have on men, and think it is just a bad habit that they will give up like leaving the toilet seat up. Even women who know deep down the evil nature of porn may be ignorant to the addictive nature it has for men, and an increasing number of women.

Real friends and flirtation and affairs and jealousy are as old as time. The vice grip of pornography and its power is finally being brought to light in the last decade or so, IMO.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I do not in any way deny that pornography is a grave evil. It is destructive without a doubt. That being said, as a man, I very much struggle with some of the points this wife makes…and I am very interested to hear other people’s responses because I have heard similar comments in various threads on this forum. Specifically, the idea that an affair with a real woman would somehow be better and more tolerable than porn. If we are talking about her raw feelings as a woman, I can’t say she is wrong…feelings are feelings. However, from the man’s perspective this doesn’t make sense to me. As a man who has struggled with porn I can say the following:

1. it was always an empty experience devoid of any sort of emotion or personal attachment…it was never anything more than images…there was no sense of there being a real person, a real woman on any level whatsoever.
2. There was never a sense of it being something that replaces my wife. Sex with my wife has always and always will be vastly, vastly superior to anything pornography could offer. It filled voids when I was separated from her or not able to be with her in that way and always felt like an empty, disgraceful, poor substitute.
3. If I had an affair with a real woman…there would be emotional investment…there would be real true competition…she would literally take the place of my wife on an emotional and physical level. I just don’t see the comparison at all.

Again, no doubt it is destructive and gravely immoral…but I don’t understand how an affair can be something “less grave”.

I get how a woman might feel that way, because it isn’t about the other woman, it’s about you (you being the man using porn, I’m not actually pointing a finger your way). Porn is a violation of your vows. It’s you deciding to turn to someone else for sexual gratification other than your wife because…you want to.

Whether it’s a physical affair or not,you know what it does to your wife, and you choose to do it anyway. It tells her that porn is worth violating her trust, spitting on her love, and going against the vows your marriage is built on. If porn is truly “nothing”, then think of how low this must make her feel when “nothing” keeps coming before her. At least when it’s a real woman, there’s more to be tempted by. There’s the interaction, flirtation, hormone rush, the thrill of the will-we-or-won’t-we game, and finally, a unique and forbidden sexual experience. Of course, the consequences of a real affair are infinitely worse, but the consequences aren’t what is hurting the wife in question, it’s the intentional choice her husband is making every time he does this. From her perspective “He broke my heart for the hot young thing at the office” is awful, but it makes a heck of a lot more sense than “He broke my heart for pictures and videos online that he described as ‘meaningless’”.

I’m not saying one view is more correct than the other, just playing translator here.

 

[john1513]

I do not in any way deny that pornography is a grave evil. It is destructive without a doubt. That being said, as a man, I very much struggle with some of the points this wife makes…and I am very interested to hear other people’s responses because I have heard similar comments in various threads on this forum. Specifically, the idea that an affair with a real woman would somehow be better and more tolerable than porn. If we are talking about her raw feelings as a woman, I can’t say she is wrong…feelings are feelings. However, from the man’s perspective this doesn’t make sense to me. As a man who has struggled with porn I can say the following:

1. it was always an empty experience devoid of any sort of emotion or personal attachment…it was never anything more than images…there was no sense of there being a real person, a real woman on any level whatsoever.
2. There was never a sense of it being something that replaces my wife. Sex with my wife has always and always will be vastly, vastly superior to anything pornography could offer. It filled voids when I was separated from her or not able to be with her in that way and always felt like an empty, disgraceful, poor substitute.
3. If I had an affair with a real woman…there would be emotional investment…there would be real true competition…she would literally take the place of my wife on an emotional and physical level. I just don’t see the comparison at all.

Again, no doubt it is destructive and gravely immoral…but I don’t understand how an affair can be something “less grave”.

As a man, and a porn addict, I can see her point. An affair is a relationship with one woman, porn is a relationship with thousands of women.

An affair is imperfect, requires effort, and is constrained by time and schedule. Porn can be as perfect as your imagination wants, takes no effort, and can be consumed anywhere and anytime.

An affair can be discovered easily and ended easily. Porn is anonymous and in your pocket and in your mind 24/7.

Part of this addiction is convincing ourselves that it isn’t that big of a deal. That only hinders recovery. Bought with a Price explains how porn does severe damage to our ability to love: arlingtondiocese.org/documents/bought-with-a-price-anti-pornography-letter/

 

[Elena321]

I do not in any way deny that pornography is a grave evil. It is destructive without a doubt. That being said, as a man, I very much struggle with some of the points this wife makes…and I am very interested to hear other people’s responses because I have heard similar comments in various threads on this forum. Specifically, the idea that an affair with a real woman would somehow be better and more tolerable than porn. If we are talking about her raw feelings as a woman, I can’t say she is wrong…feelings are feelings. However, from the man’s perspective this doesn’t make sense to me. As a man who has struggled with porn I can say the following:

1. it was always an empty experience devoid of any sort of emotion or personal attachment…it was never anything more than images…there was no sense of there being a real person, a real woman on any level whatsoever.
2. There was never a sense of it being something that replaces my wife. Sex with my wife has always and always will be vastly, vastly superior to anything pornography could offer. It filled voids when I was separated from her or not able to be with her in that way and always felt like an empty, disgraceful, poor substitute.
3. If I had an affair with a real woman…there would be emotional investment…there would be real true competition…she would literally take the place of my wife on an emotional and physical level. I just don’t see the comparison at all.

Again, no doubt it is destructive and gravely immoral…but I don’t understand how an affair can be something “less grave”.

From the article,I don’t think she was suggesting that an affair would be any less objectively grave but rather that it would be less subjectively hurtful for her.
One possibility why this might be is because the “liking of porn girls” might cause her to have negative feelings towards herself.
She might feel not good enough and that she can never measure up next to the faces or bodies of the young girls in the films/pictures so in a way it’s an attack on her womanhood and her identity itself.
Whereas with “real life women” she might feel that at least they might have been on similar levels attractiveness wise so the issue is then “just” about the trust,emotions and betrayal of the sanctity of marriage but isn’t “personal” (Ie:about her appearance).
Of course,if her husband did have a real life affair with someone “conventionally more attractive” she might still face the same problems.

 

[DlandFan06]

I do feel that in this day and age, porn is a lot harder to give up and avoid than it was thirty years ago. At least back then you could avoid it or throw it away now it’s just everywhere and it’s a lot harder to avoid. You can’t just throw it away like booze or cigarettes. It’s online and it influences everything we see. I think there is a solution porn addiction it’s just I don’t know what that is. I think first and foremost, you have to really want to change. You have to really want to give it up almost like hitting rock bottom because part of me thinks that that’s the only way to fix it.

And if someone’s just starting to look at porn, cut it off. Cut it off at the pass before it gets worse because this stuff is a poison and it’s hard to get rid of. I liken to being stuck in quicksand or a tar pit. It’s better to get rid of it sooner rather than later because it’ll be a lot harder to get rid of it later. I’m not saying it’s impossible, don’t think that, because there are a lot of good Catholic speakers on the this subject who have gone through it themselves but it’s harder.