A little confused on what to do or say in this situation

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Harpazo

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Hello all!

I came to this forum to post my dilemma because I am just overwhelmed at the wisdom that comes from here. Many bright and holy mammas and pappas that offer great insight. Anyway, I’ll cut right to the chase, or try to at least.

I’m 19 and am getting ready to move into college (Ave Maria University in FL). I’m from VA and flew down yesterday. I’m currently staying at my aunt’s house in Bradenton until the 21st, when I move in to the Residence Hall. My cousin (aged 25 or so, I believe) and his girlfriend picked me up from the airport in St. Petersburg yesterday and took me out to eat with some other cousins. Then they kindly drove me back to my aunt’s house in Bradenton. My aunt and uncle are out of town until late this evening (it’s early Sunday morning, technically :p) celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary in Northern Florida for the weekend.

I didn’t realize that my cousin and his girlfriend were spending the night here at my aunt’s house. I had thought I was just going to be here by myself and my aunt had left me the keys to her car so that I could go to a Liturgy today. Which I didn’t have a problem with staying by myself. I sort of know my way around the area, and her car has a GPS. But I also didn’t mind that they were spending the night, until I found out they were staying in the same room.

I know with pretty good certainty that they are NOT sexually active (his girlfriend is a Methodist and said that he could not move in with her unless they were married), but the scandal that it could cause itself of them sleeping in the same bed is big as well. My cousin has very high morals and both of them give the impression that they are very chaste, but he’s not a very devout Catholic (although he is a Confirmed Catholic). I don’t think he understands the gravity of the situation, or am I overreacting?

I didn’t say anything because I didn’t realize until after I helped to make the bed in the room that they are in that they would be in there. Should I have said something? I feel like I should have. What can I do if this event ever arises again? They are only staying this one night, and from what I’ve heard them say, they give the impression that they have never done this before. I don’t want to come across as holier than thou, especially since I’m still somewhat new to the Faith, and my cousin is older than me. I just feel like my silence might have given them approval for sharing the same bed. Am I overboard on this? I feel like I need to confess this.

Any and all advice, reassurance, etc. is appreciated.

Alloho minokhoun,
Andrew
 
The cousin in question is the Aunt’s boy you are living with?

I’d probably leave your aunt outta of it for now, and just have a talk with your cousin, that he can’t be bringing his girlfriend over for spend the night parties when she’s outta town.

I’d ask him, “ya reckon Aunt E would go along with y’all sleepin in the same bed if she were here?” And remind him that those feelings should still be respected if she were there or not, after all it is HER house. I’d also tell him if you get quizzed about it, you’re gonna tell the truth.

I dunno if just sleepin in the same bed is a sin or not? Maybe that’s all that went on. I’d refrain from passing any moral judgements.
 
I would certainly ask some discreet questions about the sleeping arrangements (try, “Oh I’ll sleep in the living room so they can each have a bed!”) or something similar.
What an awkward position to be in.
Probably best not to say too much at this juncture.
 
BamaRider said:
The cousin in question is the Aunt’s boy you are living with?

I’d probably leave your aunt outta of it for now, and just have a talk with your cousin, that he can’t be bringing his girlfriend over for spend the night parties when she’s outta town.

I’d ask him, “ya reckon Aunt E would go along with y’all sleepin in the same bed if she were here?” And remind him that those feelings should still be respected if she were there or not, after all it is HER house. I’d also tell him if you get quizzed about it, you’re gonna tell the truth.

I dunno if just sleepin in the same bed is a sin or not? Maybe that’s all that went on. I’d refrain from passing any moral judgements.
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Thanks. My aunt doesn’t mind, which is the thing that causes me to pause. I wasn’t wanting to pass any moral judgments, and I’m trying to avoid that. For the moment I’m just praying about it.

Both of them are really upstanding people, graduated from Law School this past spring. I have tremendous respect for both of them, I just felt funny about the situation. Thanks for your reply. Much appreciated!

Alloho minokhoun,
Andrew
 
Thanks. My aunt doesn’t mind, which is the thing that causes me to pause. I wasn’t wanting to pass any moral judgments, and I’m trying to avoid that. For the moment I’m just praying about it.
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Both of them are really upstanding people, graduated from Law School this past spring. I have tremendous respect for both of them, I just felt funny about the situation. Thanks for your reply. Much appreciated!
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His momma doesn’t care if they share the same room?
 
Harpazo said:
Thanks. My aunt doesn’t mind, which is the thing that causes me to pause. I wasn’t wanting to pass any moral judgments, and I’m trying to avoid that. For the moment I’m just praying about it.

Both of them are really upstanding people, graduated from Law School this past spring. I have tremendous respect for both of them, I just felt funny about the situation. Thanks for your reply. Much appreciated!

Alloho minokhoun,
Andrew
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Not to stand in judgement here but you must be realistic. Lawyers don’t fall under the moral upstanding catagor to me… My wife worked in a law firm and I know several myself. Shame on him. I’d avoid him altogether until he apologizes for scandalizing you.
 
How wonderful to enrolled at Ave Maria!!!
One of the few truly Catholic Universities!!!
 
They should not be sleeping in the same bed, period. You could give them an extremely large size-of-Texas benefit of the doubt and assume that they really are not sexually active. 😉 I don’t believe it for a second.

I like what someone suggested about offering for yourself to take the couch so that they each could have their own bed. It’s one of those beautiful Miss Manners type responses where you can act all innocent, but make it clear that you know that what they are doing is wrong. It’s better than a holier-than-thou approach, but gets the point across.

Is there anywhere else you can stay next time when they decline to take you up on the couch offer? What do your parents say? If I were your mother and you told me about it, I would find somewhere else for you to stay next time where you didn’t have to be exposed to immorality.

Your question about whether to confess it. I am not an expert on this. I hope someone else will answer. Is it a sin to let immorality stand among family members, without saying something? My sense is that it would be a sin if you were the home owner, but perhaps not as another guest. Otherwise we would have to go around all the time pointing out each other’s sins.

You didn’t have the power to forbid them from sharing the bed, but I think it would be all right in the future to tell them that it makes you uncomfortable. Society has taken away shame, but we can all do our part!
 
I soooooo don’t believe they are “chaste” and sleeping together.

Since it wasn’t MY house (where I can insist on my rules being followed) I would mind my own business unless asked. They aren’t stupid - and they are adults know right and wrong and are probably chosing wrong.
 
Yes,but now this poor soul has been made “an accessory after the fact” so to speak.
 
Have a camera phone… OOPS! Could make for quite a huge amount of money don’t you think…😉

Just kidding of course. I feel so sad for you to be put through something so rude. I know how you feel. I learned things the hard way too. The most charitable thing to do is confront them and tell them not to do it or you will tell your aunt. This is severely sinful and you should have nothing to do with it. The aunt probably knows as well…at least suspects. Their is something about the way couples act together that identifies something more than simple is going on.

However, I’d assume the charitable, but ritious position and go to a hotel. It would certainly get the point across. I’m sure mom and dad wouldn’t want you in that situation. Very sinful…even if they are not having sexual relations.
 
AnotherChance said:
They should not be sleeping in the same bed, period. You could give them an extremely large size-of-Texas benefit of the doubt and assume that they really are not sexually active. 😉 I don’t believe it for a second.

I like what someone suggested about offering for yourself to take the couch so that they each could have their own bed. It’s one of those beautiful Miss Manners type responses where you can act all innocent, but make it clear that you know that what they are doing is wrong. It’s better than a holier-than-thou approach, but gets the point across.

Is there anywhere else you can stay next time when they decline to take you up on the couch offer? What do your parents say? If I were your mother and you told me about it, I would find somewhere else for you to stay next time where you didn’t have to be exposed to immorality.

Your question about whether to confess it. I am not an expert on this. I hope someone else will answer. Is it a sin to let immorality stand among family members, without saying something? My sense is that it would be a sin if you were the home owner, but perhaps not as another guest. Otherwise we would have to go around all the time pointing out each other’s sins.

You didn’t have the power to forbid them from sharing the bed, but I think it would be all right in the future to tell them that it makes you uncomfortable. Society has taken away shame, but we can all do our part!
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Thanks for this reply especially. I gave them the benefit of the doubt. The next morning I didn’t really talk to them much because I didn’t know what to say. They know I’m very devout in my faith. I’ll be sure to make that “innocent suggestion” next time. They were only there for that night and left the next morning.

My cousin’s girlfriend had went to bed a half hour prior to me and my cousin. I purposefully tried to keep him up later than her so that she’d fall asleep. That’s one reason why I think that there wasn’t any funny business. I didn’t think I would have to confess it, but I still feel bad for not saying anything.

Alloho minokhoun,
Andrew
 
this sounds like the behavior of an adult in his own home, which makes it off limits for a guest in the home to comment. also there is no scandal unless somebody else hear’s about it, the guest is the only one their, so the guest puts the most charitable construction he can upon the situation and is therefore, not scandalized. Nor did the guest sin in any way. We don’t confess the sins of others, only our own.
 
Sorry guys. But if Fr. Serpa saw this he’d say it has the appearance of scandal. I seen his posts and heard him on CAF radio… However the truth is that you should keep it to yourself. I was joking about the camera and all that non-sense. I assume you have a better judgement based on you own testimony so far. If you are asked a question directly then you must answer directly. Meaning to your aunt if she asks. If not then you have you own sin to deal with in a lie. Truth is if you were my son I’d expect you to find a hotel. end of story.
 
Harpazo said:
Thanks for this reply especially. I gave them the benefit of the doubt. The next morning I didn’t really talk to them much because I didn’t know what to say. They know I’m very devout in my faith. I’ll be sure to make that “innocent suggestion” next time. They were only there for that night and left the next morning.

My cousin’s girlfriend had went to bed a half hour prior to me and my cousin. I purposefully tried to keep him up later than her so that she’d fall asleep. That’s one reason why I think that there wasn’t any funny business. I didn’t think I would have to confess it, but I still feel bad for not saying anything.

Alloho minokhoun,
Andrew
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Personally, I don’t think you have anything to confess. You were caught off guard it seems, and you trying to keep him up shows you did what you could, as it wasn’t your house, he’s not your son. I like the couch idea for next time. And I’m afraid odds are that there will be a next time.
 
Harpazo said:
My cousin has very high morals…, but he’s not a very devout Catholic (although he is a Confirmed Catholic). I don’t think he understands the gravity of the situation, or am I overreacting?
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I think the real situation is summed up in these words. To isolate these words from the rest of the thread (which I admit is to some degree changing the topic), actually brings us to the heart of the matter in terms of how I feel you should react. The graver issue is that he is not very devout in his faith.

When we attack the sexual behavior, or perceived/suspected sexual behavior of people who are not devout in their Catholic faith, without first showing them a loving example that by God’s grace will hopefully help draw them back to Jesus, and His Church, we will instead likely push those people away from Jesus and His Church. We will likely just come across as self-righteous and judgmental.

Praising the beauty of chastity and how it is benefitting your life would be a much better approach, in my opinion. Showing him the joy that God is bringing to your life might inspire him.
 
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