A Little Reconciliation Help

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Pacbox

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Now I searched the threads but didn’t find anything to helpful information or advice so here I go (again but the first post I accidently deleted before I was finished typing) and I’ll be going to Confession on Saturday anyways so …

Now I have overcome a serious sexual sin in the past with the help of Confession and have not had to deal with it though I do still struggle with the less the occasional but more than rare sexual thought that leads to arousal. Now I do not entertain these thought and do everything to avoid them. Though after the last incident I feel so guilty and dirty that it won’t matter that I have confessed it before and will confess it again and again and again if I have to. Plus, I don’t go searching for sexual thought and I definitely do everything to avoid being aroused by them but that didn’t matter after the last time.

I’m still going to Confession but it’s like I don’t want it to overcome the sin even though I really really do. Add to that, that I was taught that sex was a mortal sin regardless of the context and it didn’t matter if it was sex in marriage or not because sex was alwaus evil, especially sexual sin. Now I know that is not true though I still pretty much believe that (about 60% to help with a visual). And I have told this to Father. But it seems that I am trying to excuse and avoid responsibility and avoid going to Reconciliation. I’m not. I’m really really not trying to avoid at all. I’m always responsible for action, even actions that I didn’t commit. But I wasn’t searching out to commit this sin but it still appears that I have become such a bad person that it doesn’t matter that I pray and confess and do everything to avoid sin altogether. And I think part of the reason I am posting this here is so that I can justify going but also looking for away to say well it was that big of a sin but it won’t matter because everything I do is a sin. And I’ve been told that if I think it’s a sin then it’s a sin. And I really really can’t fathom God wanting to forgive me for anything. I know that he can but I don’t see why He should. I mean it’s me.

So, I think I’m looking for advice but maybe I’m looking for criticism and condemnation also. I’ve got to stop since I’m crying and I’m in the library.
 
Pacbox said:
I was taught that sex was a mortal sin regardless of the context and it didn’t matter if it was sex in marriage or not because sex was alwaus evil, especially sexual sin.

Sex isn’t evil, it’s just to be properly used. And we all sin. That’s why we need reconciliation. It does no good to just say “That’s it. I’m bad. I’ll just be REALLY bad.” Let’s look at the logic of that (always good to do when you’re really emotional). Do you really think doing more of something that’s made you miserable in the first place is going to make you feel better if you do more of it? No. It’s like riding a bike. You’re pedaling. You may wobble, you may say “Oh, I’m tired of pedaling. Don’t think I’ll do it any more” with this vision that you’ll feel better. What happens then? Since you’re no longer pedaling, your bike can’t stay balanced. You crash and now on top of being tired, you also have skinned knees and elbows and maybe a chipped tooth or cracked skull. You would’ve been better off to be tired and pedaling. Ask for grace. Ask for God’s help and take it when he offers. He knows you, he knows your heart. He knows you’re trying. You know he’ll help you. Nobody said it was easy. But it is possible.
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It isn’t that I want to go off the deep end so to speak, I don’t want to sin, it just seems that evenas I am conquering it that it won’t matter because it’s a sexual sin and that makes me entirely culpable and guilty of a sin I refuse to commit and do not commit. It’s like being found guilty of a crime that I not only did not commit but have no knowledge of and it was commited centuries ago by someone else.
 
You have an addiction. Addictions take time to overcome - it will not happen overnight. You will have many moments of frustration along the way.

Focus on your victories - the many times you could have given in, but didn’t, and the fact that you do it less frequently now than you did before.

It sounds like you are doing your very best, and that is what counts, ultimately.

Remember - Jesus loves you more than you can imagine. He doesn’t care what you “deserve” - He just wants to forgive you, wash you clean from all your sins, and love you. You are so very, very precious to Him.
 
From my own experience, it’s a learned habit: well established, comfortable, known, and something you believed or wanted to believe that you had better control over (i.e., yourself). Giving it up is a fear response but not fear-it’s just the unkown that comes with change, it’s just so personal it seems larger than it really is because you know it so well. Am I close?

You’re avoiding, Pacbox. Give this sin it’s title, squarely and objectively otherwise we’re all going 'round the houses and you’ll get general advice that obscures the targeted strategy you seek.

Only type it’s name in, hit the reply button, shut the computer off, and trust in God by starting with the truth.
 
You want the sin, RC1960? Sexual thoughts that lead to arousal. Not entertained. Not searched for. Staight to the point as I was in my OP. This isn’t something that happens every day or every week or every months. It’s like two or three times a year and because I’ve always been told that anything that concerns sex is a mortal and heinous sin that I’m ALWAYS culpable no matter what I do and even if it is avoided all together. I hate sin and even if there are NO sexual thoughts I’m still aroused. So I’m defective and incapable of contrition then.
 
That quite a prideful assertion but God doesn’t create defective nor incapable people that would be severed from Him and to prove it He sent His only begotten Son for our salvation, you choose those. The most notable people move forward in spite of their pasts.
 
Pacbox said:
You want the sin, RC1960? Sexual thoughts that lead to arousal. Not entertained. Not searched for. Staight to the point as I was in my OP. This isn’t something that happens every day or every week or every months. It’s like two or three times a year and because I’ve always been told that anything that concerns sex is a mortal and heinous sin that I’m ALWAYS culpable no matter what I do and even if it is avoided all together. I hate sin and even if there are NO sexual thoughts I’m still aroused. So I’m defective and incapable of contrition then.
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I’m not trying to be prideful though with the medium here it is not so easy to tell when someone is and isn’t. I just told you what you asked for and what I’ve been told in regards to how people see me. I’m still going to Confession but it’s like no matter how much I go or how often I confess it or how I never commit that sin ever again (hopefully) it still is being hung about my neck and that no one is appeased by my actions or words and that nothing that I do or say is worth it. I am not believed and so people keep telling that no matter how contrite I am or that I never commit the sin ever again I would still be such an awful and heinous person to associate with that no one could want to be near let alone God. That I such a worthless creature that I’m unlovable and could never be loved. And I am unlovable not because of God but because of who I am and what I have done or not done. Though how God could ever love me is beyond me. Telling me God loves me is a waste of time because I don’t believe it. Why should I?
 
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