A little scared of what’s happening to my faith

[LoveTherese]

Hi guys,
I’m feeling a bit unwell. This is a little long and I may sound mentally and emotionally unstable so please be patient. This, for most normal people is not a problem but for someone like me it is. I’m praying that someone can understand my emotional ramble with patience because I’m feeling a bit desperate and just need good advice.

For the past year I’ve been going to daily mass, adoration, confession more often and have done novenas for areas in my life. I am truly blessed and have gotten closer to the Lord through lots of emotional suffering this past year,but unfortunately something in me is always unsatisfied. I have literally asked God to forgive me for this feeling because i’m so blessed with my family, our jobs etc.

We have to move into another rental and all of a sudden my husband (a devout Catholic) told me not to worry that it is in Gods hands.

I don’t want to get too detailed but i have anxiety in renting an apartment, I prefer detached houses because our last neighbor would stroll around in her bikini in our shared yard and even though my husband is a good man (though he was a flirt in the past) i get anxious that our new neighbor will give me anxiety.

I have insecurities that are being worked on for years. We have a great marriage (another blessing).
My question that i’m hoping for help on is—when my husband said it’s all in God’s hands, a part of me got upset. A strange feeling of resentment arose because he had no care who our neighbor will be and his faith is solid. A felt a twinge of resentment at how easy his living daily seems to me. The question is — when my husband says we leave it in Gods hands i know he means that God will find the perfect place for our family. He believes our next rental is going to be great. My faith is different, my faith tells me that right now someone I know is mourning the loss of her child and that God finding a great home for us is low on the priority list and also sounds like prosperity thinking, i’m surprised he said that. Do you agree?

My faith tells me that if our next home is directed by Gods hand and i have a neighbor making me anxious than God doesn’t mind my suffering until the end of my life (since this anxiety never goes away)and I have to deal with it (which is fine i’m used to suffering for stupid reasons i can’t control hard as i try or pray)if we find a good detached place with respectable neighbors than i’ve been granted a reprieve.

But is God really the one who has His hand on where we live next or are we just supposed to accept with grace wherever we wind up which is purely by chance? (which i will aim to do). Thank you for reading and please forgive my kind of thinking, I am aware these insecure feelings and worry over “nothing” turns even great people off and trust me if I could be normal I would do it in a heartbeat. I guess maybe there are 2 issues here.
Thank you everyone

 

[ShowersofRoses]

Putting it in God’s hands doesn’t mean assuming that everything will turn out perfectly the way we want them. It just means that you trust God to be in control and that He cares for you, and that He has a plan for your life. It means trusting that He will help you through the difficulties, because life always has difficulties. No one’s life is perfect.

So, say the next rental does have difficult neighbors. It doesn’t mean that God has abandoned you or doesn’t care about your suffering. He cares deeply about your suffering and your anxiety, but perhaps He also has a plan of making you confront those anxieties by learning to depend more on Him.

God uses difficulties to help us grow in holiness and to let go of our fears, insecurities, and attachment to sin. Now, admittedly that is a hard truth to understand. But we are meant to be pliable clay that God can mold as He wishes. So putting yourself in His hands means surrendering your own will to Him, and telling God: “Do what you want with me. My life is yours.”

Ponder what Our Blessed Mother said to God, “Do unto me according to Your will.” Jesus prayed in the garden, “Not my will, but Thy will be done.” Both Jesus and Mary submitted to the Father’s perfect will. They trusted Him completely.

That is what God wants you to do with this situation. It is scary…change is always scary. But He wants you to put your will and your fears in His hands, and be like a little child, trusting that He will hold you, even when the storm is raging.

And don’t think that this comes easily for me…it certainly doesn’t. I also have to trust God with my situation and fears…and it is really scary. I know what I’m supposed to do, but it can be really hard to live it out. So I’ll pray for you, and I’d be glad of prayers in return! God bless.

 

[Lara]

There are many factors you cannot control when it comes to moving, but try to take charge of the things you can control. You can knock on the neighbour’s door and ask how the landlord is, all the while guessing how these neighbours will be for you. You can also delay signing a lease until you send a friend over to monitor the place a bit and see if anything untoward is happening there.

You can try to earn as much as possible so that you have a nicer place in a nicer neighbourhood. You can save up so you can move again if need be.

So basically worry about making more money and having more choices.

 

[LoveTherese]

Thank you so much. I wrote all I did in going to daily Mass etc… because i wanted to show that I’m trying REALLY hard, according to my capabilities (what’s easy and normal for some people is an emotional and mental battle for me.) I know it’s a broken record to feel tired of doing your all and STILL be in the same place like those cartoons where you run and go nowhere. But, it’s a little how i’m feeling. I love my husband but his faith that God is gonna provide doesn’t make sense since there are kids in homeless shelters and getting us a great place doesn’t seem quite up there in importance. I sometimes want to mention that to him but i don’t want to cause his faith to stumble but it’s a spiritually lonely place to be. God cares, yes, but I don’t believe He’s gonna provide the way my husband does.

 

[LoveTherese]

Hi Lara, thank you so much. We are definitely working on earning more. I just wish I was like a normal woman who is confident and doesn’t lose her peace when surrounded by perceived threats which cause anxiety.

I guess i’m a little sad because after so much prayer and attending carefully to the sacraments as best as I can, I feel like I’m still the same. I’ve never really felt sad at God before, because I know He knows how much I’ve tried to be maintain peace in my heart.

 

[friardchips]

The question seems to consist of various elements:

• Your strength of faith as measured in comparison to your husband’s confidence.
• A lack of trust due to shock at an unexpected remark on the part of your husband.
• The difference in personal preferences, in your marriage, as to living quarters.
• Is faith in God believing that He will be with you despite possible less-than-ideal situations or does it mean that God will place you in a safe environment.

Three of these considerations belong, first-and-foremost, within your marriage. When these have been put to the other person…then, I think the time is to take the matter outside, if, conversations have not been fruitful after various attempts. God first, by your husband’s side, is the first step. Prayer and communication.

The fourth is a faith-question. I like the ‘prosperity-thinking’ remark - it makes the point. We are in the process of being perfect-ed and living in this world means, when a Catholic, suffering crosses. Yet, part of the the faith is making sure, as the witness given on the part of a wife and parent, that your family is safe and protected, as far as one can make sure, and this takes discernment.

It would be wise, as one of the other posters said, to check the place out. If it seems to be okay then presumably it is as good as any other reasonably safe environment. But again, this ought to take place alongside, or after, the addressing of your prior concerns.

An example: would I go to areas of Mexico, if I had a family, without checking out the specific place of future abode, first? No. It is an extreme example but one that answers the question.

I believe this thinking follows the line all the way across the board in the context of your situation.

 

[ShowersofRoses]

I really sympathize, and honestly I’m sort of in the same boat. I have recently had ALL of my security taken away and threatened, and it happened while I was joining the Church. I had never felt closer to God, and He took it all away. How do we keep trusting when the rug is pulled out from under us? For me, where else would I go? He has the Words of Life.

So, no, God does NOT always provide shelter or enough food or health or financial security. There is no guarantee of any of those things. I can only trust that He will give me the grace and strength to get through this if I ask for it.

I really dislike when people say God won’t give us more than we can handle. I don’t feel that is correct. We are constantly given more than any human can bear…but God promises to bear us up through it. “His grace is sufficient in our weakness.”

I was recently reminded by a priest that Jesus Himself fell three times under His cross. If the Lord himself fell while carrying His cross, then it is ok for me to fall while carrying mine. I just need to try and keep getting back up, and sometimes I’ll need someone like Simon to help me.

So, you are not abnormal for struggling with this. It is very normal to struggle despite trying to accept God’s will. Don’t feel you’re the only one who struggles like that…you’re definitely not alone. And it sounds like you are trying very hard to accept God’s will for your life.

Keep praying and going to Adoration…you’re already doing what you should. I understand running and not getting anywhere…but I bet in the future you’re going to see such spiritual fruit come from these struggles that you never would have expected. Your prayers are definitely not in vain.

About your husband, I think you should ask Him what he means about God providing. Maybe he means that everything really will work out fine and God will provide a great home, or perhaps he just trusts that whatever happens, God will work things out for good. But you shouldn’t worry about shaking his faith just by having some honest discussion about it.

I bet you’d feel better after talking it out. He can’t have very deep faith if pointing out homeless kids would cause him to stumble, so I doubt it would. Perhaps he can help calm your anxieties about the situation. And taking practical steps to try and get the best home you can will also help calm the fears.

 

[LoveTherese]

Thank you so much. I’m looking forward to rereading this and your response brought tears to my eyes (in a good way). Thank you for your kindness. After knowing how I feel my husband keeps showing me attached homes, the irrational part of me thinks he’s just dying to have exciting neighbors but he says it’s because it’s cheaper (which makes sense but there’s always that seed of doubt). He also says very lightly that he doesn’t care where we live or who our neighbors are (he does this I sense because he’s tired of me not being the extrovert he is and he wishes I were his definition of normal).
Thank you again, very kind of you to put so much thought and care into your response.

 

[LoveTherese]

Hi, this is very interesting to me. Thank you so much for responding so thoughtfully. I am in a taxi now but when i am settled I’d like to revisit these questions and i will answer them. I look forward to it, thank you for this!

 

[ShowersofRoses]

You’re welcome, I hope it helps.
:hugs::hugs::hugs:

 

[LoveTherese]

“A lack of trust due to shock at an unexpected remark on the part of your husband.” I think my lack of full trust in my husband of 20 years is that for the first 18 years he was a very extroverted friendly man around women. He says he was never a flirt but his extroverted personality has gotten our marriage in arguments. For 2 years he has changed alot and is more reserved. But, I always feel in my heart that all it takes is a room with action, a lot of chatter and women and he’s all smiles again. I could never trust him fully. He’s a great father and husband and my one flesh best friend.

“The difference in personal preferences, in your marriage, as to living quarters.”
Yes, he doesn’t care where we live because he’s never experienced fear and lack of trust in a wife that is extroverted and smiles at every man. He knows he has nothing to fear because his wife is quiet and mainly because the roles are different. Where I live 90% of young attractive women half dress every day and then they become your neighbor and you have to live with that in addition to not fully trusting your husband. (I am sorry my honesty sounds like bitterness but I wanted to be honest)

“Is faith in God believing that He will be with you despite possible less-than-ideal situations or does it mean that God will place you in a safe environment.”
Honestly, I’ve always felt faith gives me peace in every circumstance. I can’t tell you how long I’ve held on to that hope. Unfortunately the problem that always surfaces in my mind are instances where people suffer terrible things,like children being abused or adults getting maimed etc…and I think “In what way exactly is my Lord with these persons whose bodies collapsed in death over starvation or in what way is He with the child being beaten?” I know we have Heaven to look forward to but how is He WITH someone during the above situations. Sometimes people end their lives because even after prayers and seeking they have not felt Him, how, in that instant is He there. I think THAT is the crux of my doubt to be honest. I thank you for making me think of that.

Anyway, I wish I could live anxiety free like my husband. Imagine going to church without worrying about that lady who just walked in to the pew if front of us with a tank and short shorts. (this happened and happens frequently). Last week it was tights and a pretty smile. I have prayed that God please stop me from resenting my husband from never having to worry about me always at risk of being attracted to a male who is advertising youth, beauty etc… on a CONSTANT daily basis. I wish so much I could be like those other wives I see that sit there in church not caring or at least being mature enough not to have anxiety over things like this. I have missed mass over this on a Sunday and I asked God to forgive me many times.

It feels good to let this ugly truth out no matter how embarrassing it is even on an anonymous level. These 2 issues with faith and insecurity and lack of trust it looks like are tied together in some way…

 

[LoveTherese]

It is very helpful and very wise. I wish so much that my faith was more secure with the rug pulled under like yours but today’s reading was our Lord saying solemnly to depart from Him, He never knew them. So ofcourse I start thinking that’s going to be me. But the truth is that suffering is so normal to me, I have felt bad that my suffering wasn’t for the glory of God’s kingdom because that would give it value. But suffering, even terribly over insecurities seems a useless suffering I cant “offer up”. For the past 4 years I suffered horribly over a mean coworker, I used to come home crying b/c she was so mean and one day I said the rosary and forgot the order of the mysteries I was so distraught! I offered those sufferings up b/c I didn’t do anything wrong and would take it quietly using St. Therese as my guide. I love St. Therese. (my husband said I should be more St. Joan of Arc at work but anyway)
I am very glad that you are close to God during your trials.I sense your strength and faith through your response. There is no greater feeling in the world than knowing you are walking with the King of Kings, no matter what. I have no idea what to do to get there but trust me I have tried every day for a year or more but my thorn is that I may never live an anxiety free life, and I’m ok with that but I just feel bad because I know our marriage could be stronger in Christ and I a better witness without it.

 

[Cruciferi]

I prefer detached houses because our last neighbor would stroll around in her bikini in our shared yard and even though my husband is a good man (though he was a flirt in the past) i get anxious that our new neighbor will give me anxiety.

I have insecurities that are being worked on for years. We have a great marriage (another blessing).

I do hope that you’re seeking professional help. These unfounded worries aren’t good

if I could be normal I would do it in a heartbeat.

Sometimes medication can help…

I guess i’m a little sad because after so much prayer and attending carefully to the sacraments as best as I can, I feel like I’m still the same.

God doesn’t normally grant miraculous healings. You probably have resources at your disposal to help yourself…

He also says very lightly that he doesn’t care where we live or who our neighbors are (he does this I sense because he’s tired of me not being the extrovert he is and he wishes I were his definition of normal).

Your interpretation.

I think my lack of full trust in my husband of 20 years is that for the first 18 years he was a very extroverted friendly man around women.

Being extroverted and friendly is not bad.

For 2 years he has changed alot and is more reserved. But, I always feel in my heart that all it takes is a room with action, a lot of chatter and women and he’s all smiles again.

Ah, you want him to be more like you. Kinda seems like you’re jealous that he’s been gifted with social skills… My guess is that he talks to men too. Does it bother you if he goes to the pub occasionally with his friends?

I wish so much I could be like those other wives I see that sit there in church not caring or at least being mature enough not to have anxiety over things like this. I have missed mass over this on a Sunday and I asked God to forgive me many times.

My final recommendation is that you both should receive Couple Counseling and you should receive help for your anxiety.

 

[LoveTherese]

Thank you. I have actually done all those things you’ve recommended and are currently doing some of them because it’s obvious I had a past I needed to work through. The most helpful in maintaining my internal peace are the sacraments and the rosary. His level of extrovert was bad. Not jealous of his social skills, I’m an introvert but a great conversationalist.

 

[ShowersofRoses]

I know we have Heaven to look forward to but how is He WITH someone during the above situations. Sometimes people end their lives because even after prayers and seeking they have not felt Him, how, in that instant is He there. I think THAT is the crux of my doubt to be honest.

This problem, the problem of suffering, could be a whole separate thread. It’s the one eternal question that people ask of God. The one question that keeps otherwise good people out of the Church.

Ultimately, I don’t think there is any answer on Earth that solves this problem. No one’s words, or books, or lectures, no matter how smart or witty or wise, will fully answer this question.

The only answer is Jesus. Just Him. Just gazing at His face, adoring and believing and loving Him. Being fully loved by Him. Knowing God and being known by Him. “I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine.” This is what I cling to when nothing else makes sense. Jesus is mine, and He will ultimately bring redemption to all of the pain.

I think in Heaven, the reasons for the suffering and pain will become clearer, but again, the answer won’t ultimately matter at that point. Jesus Himself will be enough. The more we try to find an answer for why here on this side of Heaven, is just us blindly groping in the dark. God knows why, and when I try to question it like Job, I just fall into a pit, like Christian does in Pilgrim’s Progress.

And, I know you’ve probably heard this many times, but even in terrible situations, God is with us, even when we can’t feel Him. We can’t depend on our feelings…it takes faith to know that He is with us and hasn’t abandoned us.

 

[friardchips]

Not being a healthcare-trained person, I cannot hand out advice which incorporates the taking of prescribed drugs, and furthermore, if I were, I would probably wish to see the client a few times before diagnosing someone as requiring medication.

We cannot know how people are somehow supported through suffering but from reading accounts we can see that people are. As to those who say they pray but seemingly don’t get any answer, that is not for me to comment on. Maybe God does answer but they don’t listen. God is with the suffering. As to your own hardships and the difficulty experienced in offering them up, this is all part of the walk. One just has to keep trying. A wilderness can last a very long time. You could ask people to pray for you and your situation, in the meantime.

Trust issues to do with marriage can be helped via support within the Church - you mentioned that your husband is devout and that you have a blessed marriage, and so he might go for that.

People dressing immodestly is an unfortunate reality that can cause distress and maybe this occurrence is exaggerated in some areas of the world. I would put into action the things mentioned and continue to pray.

I hope you work things out.

 

[LoveTherese]

Thank you. My comfort is knowing that Jesus must know how much effort I put into the little I’ve done to get close to Him. I pray almost every day to let me love Him more and my faith may grow so I can be useful to people including my family. Thank you ShowerofRoses!

I honestly don’t care if I have this anxiety all my life if I could just control it a liiiiiittle bit better, if my natural instinct is a certain gut reaction outside of my control, that I would be able to have the self control and gentle and quiet spirit 100% of the time. I’m only doing like 75% now. But years ago I wasn’t even that high so in hindsight it does seem my prayers and efforts have worked. But when you mess up once it feels like all the good you’ve done has been erased.

I will try to pray more. I feel I must “do” more. Thank you again.

 

[LoveTherese]

Thank you. Medications did not help, nor did counseling. There’s no way to medicate insecurity. I’ve learned only God can help this one.The sacraments and daily Mass did help. Thanks for your thoughts.

 

[ShowersofRoses]

My final recommendation is that you both should receive Couple Counseling and you should receive help for your anxiety.

Thank you. I have actually done all those things you’ve recommended and are currently doing some of them because it’s obvious I had a past I needed to work through.

I agree with this, so I hope you are getting some counseling/therapy for the trust issues in your marriage and for your anxiety. This lack of trust in your marriage is unhealthy. It sounds like you distrust him because he’s a bit of a flirt, and you think he’s looking at those scantily-clad women, but he hasn’t actually given you a reason to believe he’s been unfaithful. You say he’s your best friend, so please talk to a professional. I wouldn’t let this anxiety about it go on any longer.

Just for reference, I know a few men who are the fathers of kids on my kids’ sports teams. They are very outgoing and friendly. I like talking to them because they care, and are honest and funny. However, the thought of being “unfaithful” with any of them would never cross my mind. I feel safe talking to them because I can tell they feel the same way…it’s completely pure and just friendly talking. So it is possible for men to be extroverted and friendly with women without lusting.

It’s also possible for husbands to see scantily-clad women and “bounce” their eyes away.
I know many men who are careful about keeping their thoughts pure. When they see women in the short shorts, they deliberately don’t look and train their thoughts to think of something else. Perhaps your husband does this also and you are worrying unnecessarily.

But you know your husband and the situations. I just wanted to caution you to not to be so worried at friendly banter if there really is no reason to justify the anxiety. If you keep worrying every time an attractive woman walks by, you’re going to make yourself sick. So talk to a marriage therapist for some help with this. I’d say try again with a different therapist if the previous one didn’t help.

 

[LoveTherese]

Thank you. I appreciate your insight very much.