A married man's dilemma

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Tiberian

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I would like to ask this question as my first post:
DH and DW have no marital issues whatsoever and both are healthy. DW refuses to have marital embrace for simple reason that she is not in the mood and this goes on for more than 2 months at a time. When asked, she just explains that she no longer is interested in marital embrace and it’s a burden on her part. DH does not want to commit any sin whatsover inspite of the situation but gives in to temptation and masturbates. Did DH commit mortal sin? Did DW commit any sin?
 
Tiberian said:
I would like to ask this question as my first post:
DH and DW have no marital issues whatsoever and both are healthy. DW refuses to have marital embrace for simple reason that she is not in the mood and this goes on for more than 2 months at a time. When asked, she just explains that she no longer is interested in marital embrace and it’s a burden on her part. DH does not want to commit any sin whatsover inspite of the situation but gives in to temptation and masturbates. Did DH commit mortal sin? Did DW commit any sin?
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both can be a mortal sin. if full knowledge and full consent were there.

marriage involves the right to the marital embrace. to refuse to enter into the embrace can be in fact a mortal sin…even more so since it can be a near occasion for the husband.

m. is grave matter …so it too can be a mortal sin.

both would have to examine themselves to see if the three aspects for mortal sin were present at the time…

and of course there is the great gift of confession 🙂

(of course there can be good reasons to refuse…times when it would be a venial sin.and even times when it would not be sinful to refuse… )
 
Tiberian said:
I would like to ask this question as my first post:
DH and DW have no marital issues whatsoever and both are healthy. DW refuses to have marital embrace for simple reason that she is not in the mood and this goes on for more than 2 months at a time. When asked, she just explains that she no longer is interested in marital embrace and it’s a burden on her part. DH does not want to commit any sin whatsover inspite of the situation but gives in to temptation and masturbates. Did DH commit mortal sin? Did DW commit any sin?
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Masturbation is a sin. For her to withhold sex with no “good reason” (and not being in the mood is not a good reason) could borderline a sin also.

From the Catechism

2352 By masturbation is to be understood the deliberate stimulation of the genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure. “Both the Magisterium of the Church, in the course of a constant tradition, and the moral sense of the faithful have been in no doubt and have firmly maintained that masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action.” “The deliberate use of the sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside of marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose.” For here sexual pleasure is sought outside of “the sexual relationship which is demanded by the moral order and in which the total meaning of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love is achieved.”
To form an equitable judgment about the subjects’ moral responsibility and to guide pastoral action, one must take into account the affective immaturity, force of acquired habit, conditions of anxiety or other psychological or social factors that lessen, if not even reduce to a minimum, moral culpability.

Please read “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West and “Holy Sex” by Gregory Popcak. Both of you.
 
Mirror_Mirror said:
Masturbation is a sin. For her to withhold sex with no “good reason” (and not being in the mood is not a good reason) could borderline a sin also.

Please read “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West and “Holy Sex” by Gregory Popcak. Both of you.
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it can actually be a mortal sin…to withold sex…
 
Bookcat said:
it can actually be a mortal sin…to withold sex…
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I think that I have read that before, but did not have the support for it right now so I did not want to step out on that limb.
 
Mirror_Mirror said:
I think that I have read that before, but did not have the support for it right now so I did not want to step out on that limb.
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yes it is the case…

of course there can be good reasons…

and refusing a real request is different from just a suggestion

or if there is a real request the one says’’ not tonight please honey’ …and the other agrees to the not tonight part (and of course it is not a near occasion for that spouse) that is not a sin…
 
the Word of God…from St. Paul

1 Cor (ESV for while it is online and based on the RSV which is would like to quote from)

7:1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
 
Tiberian said:
I would like to ask this question as my first post:
DH and DW have no marital issues whatsoever and both are healthy. DW refuses to have marital embrace for simple reason that she is not in the mood and this goes on for more than 2 months at a time. When asked, she just explains that she no longer is interested in marital embrace and it’s a burden on her part. DH does not want to commit any sin whatsover inspite of the situation but gives in to temptation and masturbates. Did DH commit mortal sin? Did DW commit any sin?
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DW has scandalized DH and is culpable for DH’s sin. If DW knows that DH is tempted and knows it could possibly be a mortal sin then in that measure it is possibly mortal sin for DW. DW is made less culpable if there are obstacles that make her unable to avoid creating an environment that tempts DH.Two become one flesh.
 
DH, give DW a set of Dennis Prager’s The Best Of the Male-Female hour CDs.
 
DW is not culpable for DH’s sin of masturbation but DH might be less culpable of it because of the rejection from DW. DW is culpable for her own sin of rejecting her husband. It may be mortal it may be venial depending upon circumstances.

DW should go for a full physical and make sure things are ok. She should also be open to some marital counseling with the goal being to find a happy medium between two different sex drives if thats all it is.Or there may be marital issues that DH is unaware of. Or she may be experiencing some mental health issue of her own and could benefit from counseling.

In any event it doesn’t usually work for one spouse to point out that it is a mortal sin to withold sex . That should come from an external source.
 
Tiberian said:
I would like to ask this question as my first post:
DH and DW have no marital issues whatsoever and both are healthy. DW refuses to have marital embrace for simple reason that she is not in the mood and this goes on for more than 2 months at a time. When asked, she just explains that she no longer is interested in marital embrace and it’s a burden on her part. DH does not want to commit any sin whatsover inspite of the situation but gives in to temptation and masturbates. Did DH commit mortal sin? Did DW commit any sin?
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DH and DW** do** have marital issues. Based on what you wrote, the likely issue is they have significantly different sex drives. The party with the lower sex drive refuses marital relations, while the party with the higher sex drive turns to alternative methods. Those* are* marital issues. *Both *are sinning; sex is being regarded in a selfish manner by both of them. Objectively speaking masturbation is a mortal sin. Presuming they are Catholic, I suggest husband and wife go on a date to the Sacrament of Confession to gain grace to live their vocation to marriage.
 
If masturbation in that situation was a sin, it sure would be a cruel trick to whomever created such a need, and didn’t provide a moral outlet with which to satisfy it. You can be sure though that nothing hurts the Lord more than a little tug. He can’t dwell with the kind of iniquity that is apparent in those kinds of people. He just can’t. Yeah, yeah, I know he made the system, but rules is rules.
 
I’m not going to get into the sexual legalism here as it’s not really any of my business, and only frank discussion between DW and DH and their respective confessors can determine the level of culpability.

I am however wondering how old the couple is. It sounds like it could be menopause or perimenopause, a period when a woman’s hormones can be all over the map and her desire heads south faster than a Canadian in February.

In a woman testosterone is responsible for the sex drive just like in men (but much lower amounts in women). Sometimes in menopause the level of testosterone can increase with lowered estrogen production and desire goes up, sometimes the opposite happens, now two are alike. However many men that I know whose wives are at that stage of their lives report that they have a much lower libido, and the husband must suffer; as always it’s the high desire spouse that suffers, the low-desire spouse doesn’t care.

Another issue with menopausal women can be vaginal dryness which makes intercourse range from unpleasant to very painful.

There are medical treatments (hormonal) that may help restore desire in the menopausal female.

The best thing is to get her to go to the doctor.

There is a ton of publicity about what do do when the male spouse has loss of desire through ED, with Viagra, Cialis etc. But not much is said about what happens when the female loses desire.

It may be time to take up a healthy hobby or sports activity. I am an avid road cyclist and I find a good hard 60 mile bike ride does wonders to burn off mental and sexual frustration.
 
Masturbation is a mortal sin.

To me, it sounds like there might be going on more with the relationship. Her saying it is a burden on her and doesn’t want to anymore sounds like it could be a bigger sign of a problem in the relationship. Could there be other reasons why DW does not want to engage in anything? For instance maybe the couple has lost touch and needs more communication, maybe she feels burdened by it because DH isn’t helping her with all of her responsibilities, maybe she is feeling unloved in her daily life so naturally sex is just a burden - how can she express her sexual love if she does not feel loved socially? This may or may not be the case - but my point is often if the husband is being a giver outside of the bedroom - then the wife is willing to give within the bedroom and doesn’t feel used by sex. DH should talk with DW and see how he can be more attentive to her (in or out of the bedroom). If it really is just a burden to DW then maybe counseling is needed.

Another poster suggested it - but Holy Sex deals with sexual issues just like this one:

amazon.com/Holy-Sex-Toe-Curling-Mind-Blowing-Infallible/dp/product-description/0824524713
 
SmileyGirl3 said:
Masturbation is a mortal sin.
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This is patently false.

It is a grave sin.

For it to be mortal, a sin has to be grave, and done with full knowledge and full consent. Extenuating circumstances can reduce culpability. On this forum we have no way of knowing if it is mortal or not. This is something the spouses in the OP’s post will have to address with their respective confessors.
 
Tiberian said:
I would like to ask this question as my first post:
DH and DW have no marital issues whatsoever and both are healthy. DW refuses to have marital embrace for simple reason that she is not in the mood and this goes on for more than 2 months at a time. When asked, she just explains that she no longer is interested in marital embrace and it’s a burden on her part. DH does not want to commit any sin whatsover inspite of the situation but gives in to temptation and masturbates. Did DH commit mortal sin? Did DW commit any sin?
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I’ll cut thriough all the theological stuff and say this -
Your wife is bored and maybe your marriage is too easy and too boring. You need to “win” your wife back. Institute some romance - go out to candlight dinners, dance the hours away, tell her how beautiful and wonderful she is, take her parking somewhere, give her flowers, show her you still love her. And stop thinking she should roll over for sex just because you feel like it. :mad:
 
John21652 said:
I’ll cut thriough all the theological stuff and say this -
Your wife is bored and maybe your marriage is too easy and too boring. You need to “win” your wife back. Institute some romance - go out to candlight dinners, dance the hours away, tell her how beautiful and wonderful she is, take her parking somewhere, give her flowers, show her you still love her. And stop thinking she should roll over for sex just because you feel like it. :mad:
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Also start doing more housework, and if you’re overweight or out of shape fix it.
 
flyingfish said:
Also start doing more housework, and if you’re overweight or out of shape fix it.
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And make sure your fingernails are cut and clean and your socks don’t smell and you smile every morning. Give her breakfast in bed.
Otherwise your dilemma will be left hand or right hand. 😦
 
OraLabora said:
This is patently false.

It is a grave sin.

For it to be mortal, a sin has to be grave, and done with full knowledge and full consent. Extenuating circumstances can reduce culpability. On this forum we have no way of knowing if it is mortal or not. This is something the spouses in the OP’s post will have to address with their respective confessors.
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No, it is grave matter. For it to be a mortal sin it has to have those qualifiers.It may also be a venial sin depending upon the circumstances.
 
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