A Modest Complaint

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St.Gimp

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I have some concerns and questions about the spiritual life, and I’d like to get some feedback from long-time Catholics if possible. I’ve been Catholic coming on to four years now, having converted from Evangelical Protestantism. This period has been tumultuous, leading to strained friendships and family get-togethers where nobody talks about the giant elephant in the living room. None of this has been a terrible problem for me, especially given Jesus’s words of blessing to those who leave family and friends for his sake, but now that I’m “settled in” to the Catholic Church, I find that I have a very hard time getting comfortable.

In a sense, this is not surprising; the Catholic Church is big on exposing your sins to yourself, and if she didn’t keep her children on their toes they’d quickly fall into pits. But once the big and obvious sins are purged out, one’s eyes quickly move to behold the many sins of others. Of course, I realize that I am not sinless, even if I don’t often have to confess mortal sins anymore, but the more I see the various sins of other Catholics the less comfortable I am communing with them. The sins of the clergy are certainly the most damaging to faith: sex abuse, liturgical abuse, semi-heretical homilies, lax morality and general apathy. Doubtless much of my difficulty stems from pride (Phariseeism, perhaps?), but I think there’s more to it than that.

I think that one of the greatest problems I have as a Catholic is that there seems to be few if any great living spiritual role models. I can hardly see the local parish priests as true fathers who lead by example, much less as sources of spiritual advice. Some priests, including my old spiritual director, are very learned in theology (and gratefully orthodox), but they often seem more interested in book learning or external practices with little reference to an inward communion with God. It seems to me that even Pope John Paul II, for all his virtues and faith, created scandal by not using his God-given authority when he should have to defend the Body from cancerous members.

So I guess my difficulty is that I cannot find anyone to look up to, from whom I can learn how to truly live the Catholic Faith. Too often I’ve seen Catholics excuse this general spiritual laxity in the Church, and to demean anyone who wants “too much” out of their spiritual leaders, but if we are really the Body of Christ then we ought to act like it. What’s the point of excuses like, “The Church is not a museum of saints, but a hospital of sinners”? If Christ is the Great Physician, then nobody who truly wants it can lack the health to be a saint. I’m tired of drifting around, trying to find someone who is not only orthodox and obedient, but who also lives in close communion with Christ. Why do we ship all of our spiritually-serious members to the monastery or the convent, when surely some of them should stay among the populous to assist us weaker Catholics on our journey? Occasionally I will hear a good sermon on Catholic radio, or read a good book by a (usually) dead writer, and that’s about it. I find it nearly incredible that the Church is what she claims to be, and yet can still be so full of apathy towards true faith and holiness–if Christ had not warned us that it would be so, this would be a scandal of momentous proportions (or rather, even more momentous than it already is). “Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you realize that we will be judged more strictly” (James 3:1).

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My point from all this is that I feel stuck. I want to move farther along in the spiritual life, but I don’t know what to do. All of the good spiritual books seem to be written for clergy and religious–except perhaps for Francis de Sales’s Introduction to the Devout Life, and even that is sometimes too difficult and impractical for laymen–and all the remaining spiritual books too often seem contradictory and mired in pop-psychology to the point that they hardly sound Christian at all. I want to understand the meaning of faith, hope and love. Without resorting to overly-bookish definitions, how do these theological virtues “work” in the human soul? How do we grow in them? Jesus said that faith was essential to all of his followers, but how often is it explained, demonstrated and taught? How may hope be perfected in a world filled with doubt? St. Paul wrote that everything is useless without love, but how can love be nurtured? If the clergy are truly supposed to serve the laity by example and word, where does that leave us laymen who have been stuck in a rut because of priests and bishops who teach badly or not at all? So accurately did Josemaria Escriva describe the crisis of our time as “a crisis of saints”–of saints who should be living among us, but are not. I don’t know about most people, but I can only learn so much about sanctity from saints who are already dead, who I can only imitate from their writings or from writings about them. “How shall they believe him, of whom they have not heard? And how shall they hear, without a preacher?” (Rom. 10:14). There’s a solidity in knowing and speaking with someone standing in the same room, that can be lost in the abstraction of the written word. And yes, surely this call to sanctity applies to me as much as it does to anyone I wish to look up to, but sanctity cannot be accomplished alone; we are not Protestants with only Me, the Bible and Jesus. “Strengthen the brethren,” Jesus told Simon, but how much have we rather weakened one another?

I don’t worry about the existence of God. I’m not particularly troubled by anti-Catholic apologetics or agnostic skepticism. I don’t even really doubt that God loves me and wants the best for me. But I wish I could feel the same way about the Body, that its members would truly wish the ultimate best for one another, that would they do all they could do make this happen. But I see fingers sticking themselves into electrical outlets. I see eyes closed when they should be open to look for obstacles on the path. I see feet too lethargic to walk. I see mouths addicted to the taste of unhealthy food. I see tongues loose and vulgar. I see ears deaf to the cries of the needy.

This is not a healthy Body.

At this point I hardly know what to ask for. I feel like I’ve done all I can on my own: I attend Mass a few times a week, say the rosary regularly, read the Bible daily, and try to keep up with all my duties to family, work and study. But I want a real “personal relationship” with God, as Evangelicals put it, and I hardly know what to do to get there.

It’s possible, of course, that I’m overly sensitive to the presence of sin in the Church, and that things aren’t really as bad as I see them. It’s possible that I would be more charitable to my fellow Catholics’ faults were I less proud, envious, doubtful, or whatever. But it is very difficult not to be cynical as a Catholic today. If ever there was a time when God’s command to St. Francis of “Rebuild my Church” was needed again, it is now. I would hardly know where to start.
 
I hardly feel qualified to answer your post, but it’s late, so here it goes…

My favorite modern Catholic example: Mother Theresa.
About living love: A Story of a Soul:St. Therese of Liseux

Try looking for Catholics with similar concerns - volunteer, go on a retreat.

I’m sorry if the priest at your parish doesn’t inspire you. I have been blessed to live in a parish that has a wonderful priest and has had some great associate pastors.

Read, Read, Read. In addition to the Bible: The Catechism, the “doctors of the Church”. People here are always talking about good books & authors.
 
Fr Benedict Groeschel’s books are excellent guides to spiritual growth for the layperson, very accessible.

if you are looking for good models for living out the Catholic life, get a bit more involved in parish life. Look for the little old lady who is patiently living with the burdens of illness and old age, in addition to caring for a sick husband. Look for the middle-aged bearing up under their own challenges with health, work, plus caring for aging parent, their own teens, or even their grandchildren. Look for the heroic couples who have welcomed a severely handicapped child into their family and whose other children are learning first hand the value of every human life. Look for the person who always turns the conversation when crude ethnic slurs, off-color humor or gossip arises. you will find, I suspect, the same range of personalities, human virtue and human failings that you knew among your former congregation. Holiness is there if you look for it.
 
Wow, St. Gimp! You appear to be quite introspective and you bring up some legitimate concerns. Since you had so much to say in your post, if you will allow, I would like to attempt to summarize your concerns:
  1. You are particularly aware of the sins of those in the Church that are rendering it spiritually unhealthy,
  2. You perceive a lack of spiritual role models, particularly those in leadership roles in the church such as priests, who should model religious orthodoxy, obedience, and true Christian living,
  3. You want a personal relationship with God and don’t quite know what to do to obtain it,
  4. You want to understand the meaning of faith, hope and love and how these work in the human soul,
  5. You want reading material that offers insight from “living saints” and you want to dialogue with persons who strenghthen one another in living the Christian life.
Does this sound like a fair synopsis?

I too am somewhat of a cynic and a realist and am perhaps a bit too “pharisetic”. But I think that with age and experience comes a realization that most of us cannot change the world at a level that would correspond to our own hopes, dreams and desires for a less sinful world, even in the Church. But what we can do is first work on ourselves by allowing God and others to help us. Then we can contribute our spiritual health to others in our own little corners of the world. Though this may not be what you want to hear, try not to be too concerned with the failings of others. Instead look to the good in others and love them the best you can, encourage them and lift them up when they fall. As far as looking to living role models, I would suggest continuing to be one yourself by living as God wants you to live. But if reading material inspires you, I will defer to others in this forum who are more well-read than I when it comes to spiritual matters. In the meantime, this forum seems to be an excellent place to dialogue with others. And most of all, take time to have conversations with God. As well as being a good listener, He also has many ways of talking to us. Be open to all of them. My God continue to bless you and lead you in paths of holiness for His name’s sake! Peace!
 
puzzleannie said:
if you are looking for good models for living out the Catholic life, get a bit more involved in parish life. Look for the little old lady who is patiently living with the burdens of illness and old age, in addition to caring for a sick husband. Look for the middle-aged bearing up under their own challenges with health, work, plus caring for aging parent, their own teens, or even their grandchildren. Look for the heroic couples who have welcomed a severely handicapped child into their family and whose other children are learning first hand the value of every human life. Look for the person who always turns the conversation when crude ethnic slurs, off-color humor or gossip arises…Holiness is there if you look for it.
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puzzleannie, even though I submitted a reply to the OP, after reading yours, I have determined that you have said it best. Such truth with the beauty of profound simplicity!
 
Find a parish where they have perpetual adoration and go, maybe even sign up to be a person who has an assigned time to be part of adoration regularly. I guarantee you that if you come before the Lord, you will be changed. Open your heart, open your soul,and listen…I can’t explain the blessings I myslef have derived from this practice.

And don’t say that you are too busy…because no one is more busy than I am. And God opens up the time for me. Even the pope does an hour before the Blessed Sacrament, as well as daily mass. And I don’t think you are busier than he is.

You have nothing to lose and even more to gain. The history of the church was built on people of flaws beginning with St. Peter who denied Jesus three times. Moses was a murderer and a stutterer and the list goes on.
The difference between saints and sinners is that saints while they may fall, they strive to get back up again through reconciliation. Open your heart to that!
 
I agree with puzzleannie and stbruno–get more involved in your parish (or diocesan ministries or interdenominational ministries that have Catholics) to find the Catholics who are devoted to their Lord and live their Catholic faith. I’ve been involved in Eucharistic adoration from the time I was in RCIA to the present, and I can’t say enough about how that has blessed, encouraged, convicted and comforted me. You just can’t beat time spent in the presence of Christ.

For good Catholic literature to help you grow spiritually, I would recommend anything from Catholic Answers or Ignatius Press, Sophia Press (which publish some great classics of Catholic spirituality).

I get discouraged, too, at the few Catholics I see who truly know and understand and live the Catholic faith, but I remember in the Old Testament there were times when most of the Israelites went astray. I was looking up Elijah last night and found this passage from 1 Kings 19:14-18, “. .I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too. The Lord said to him. . .'Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel --all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and all whose mouths have not kissed him” God has His “seven thousand” in the Catholic Church – you just have to look for them:)
 
As for non-book possibilities, there are various movements within the Church that might help: Cursillo, the Legion of Mary, etc. For example, in Cursillo you join (or form) a small group of 8-10 people who meet once a week to help each other with their faith and discuss both the problems each person had that week and the wonders of God each experienced that week. There are regular retreats, there are larger meetings when you can interact with other people not of your particular small group, and so on.

There are lots of service organizations in the Church that can help you see Christ close-up and personal, and there are many that only require a little bit of your time at a time. What’s best about these groups is the incredible variety available to you: you can visit prisoners or the sick and home-bound; you can bring food to the hungry, either directly at soup kitchens or indirectly through food pantries; you can help the homeless find shelter (either the chronically homeless or the recently-evicted family); and on and on and on.

From your posts, I don’t recommend joining a group merely to be joining a group. I don’t get the impression that your goal is to “be” someone (e.g., a Fourth-Degree Knight of Columbus); it’s more to meet people who truly live the faith. So just ask someone whether it’s all right for you to attend an event to find out more about the group. I really think that, if you bounce around in various groups in your parish, you will meet such people – possibly over and over again (that Knight you met might also drive handicapped people to Mass, sponsor a high-school choir, and organize a gleaning project for the food pantries). Remember, with most of these groups, “sampling” is allowed: go along on one service project. Talk to the people who go with you, and find out what sorts of other things they do in your parish. I think that, once you penetrate the layer of I’m-important-because-I’m-the-parish-deputy-assistant-undersecretary-in-charge-of-washing-the-left-handed-windows people, you will find the type of people you’re yearning to find. It’s just that, for the most part, the people you want to meet are too busy doing Christ’s work to brag about it. So you find them by volunteering or tagging along. Just don’t officially join something right away; find something you like and sample it for a while.

Believe me, Christ’s body is alive and well. I think you’re simply meeting a lot of the spiritually dead parts (and, of course, you’re only reading or hearing about the cancerous ones). Please: contact your parish and inquire about available activities. You might have to bounce around a while to find something in your comfort zone, but you will be glad you did.
 
Dear St. Gimp,
How wonderful that you are able to express so easily and thoughtfully what many of us only feel deep in our souls.

I had similar thoughts the other day regarding the fact that most saints are those belonging to religious orders or the priesthood… that there are so few laity whose lives can be held up for us as a guidepost. Then I remembered reading somewhere that because we are all uniquely created, it is unwise to try and follow the lifestyle and path of another. That’s probably the hardest part of our lives - trying to find the path God has individually created for you. I have found the best way (for me) is to open up to the will of God. His Will for me is not the same as His Will for St. Francis or St. Theresa or others. I read about others and it gives me encouragement to learn that they have overcome the passions of this world and suceeded in the trials of *their * journey. Perhaps reading Abandonment to Divine Providence by Jean-Pierre De Caussade (ISBN0-385-46871-7) would help spur you in the right direction. I am now reading St. Faustina’s Diary and have found good support from the words of Christ written there. As an example, I know I am not a religious and so do not have the discipline or environment St. Faustina experienced, but I learn from these writings and I thank God every time I pick up the book for showing her so much of His Love and Care.

I’ve become aware of many Catholics who are so focused on the “proper” way of doing something- the external things - exactly how to say the rosary, what to think, speed of prayer, position of body, etc. etc. - that they miss the benefits of true commune with the Lord. You sound as though you are searching for a more communion with Our Lord. Don’t give up St. Gimp… and don’t try and do it on your own. You’ll only stumble without God’s direction. Live your life quietly, with a deliberate openess to God’s Will - Trust in Him. He will open doors to you and lead you on the path He has forged for you alone.

I too have looked around for many years at my brothers and sisters in Christ and sadly saw their shortcomings. For the longest time I couldn’t understand why they made the choices they did, as these choices are obviously not in accord with Christ’s teachings. I also prayed for God to show me the condition of my poor soul. An awakening happened a few years ago to the point that I have been terribly dishonest with myself. The faults that I looked down on in others were blatantly apparent in my life as well - an even more so if I were completely honest with myself.

I have engaged in two avenues of volunteering - one of which I’ve participated in for over ten years (an annual participation) that I will probably continue as long as I am able to do so. The other became apparent to me that it was not my calling. So now I am at a stage of asking God to show me where He wants me. I’ve been attracted to a couple of different causes, but from experience I will not trust my judgement and so await His lead.

Your path St. Gimp is a life-long travel. Please be patient. Talk to God, open your heart, accept His Will.

(sorry this is so long :o )

Thank you again for posting your thoughts here. Our church needs souls like you.
 
My brother has a saying and it goes like this :

’If you look around and see no man to follow perhaps it is time to be the leader yourself’

Those words of my brother’s are wise words; he’s a wise and considered man.

You will not get anywhere by condemning nor judging people, but you will get everywhere by your good example. You know that virtue is infectious, all it takes is one man to practise it for many to see it and follow.

Here’s some more wise words from a Priest I know:

’We are all saints and sinners at the same time’

No-one is perfect but each have their virtues and gifts which make up the parts of the Body you talk of, so we bear patiently with each others faults and rejoice in each other talents, thanking God for all things because it is by all things especially trials that we grow spiritually.

No-one came to be a saint on their own, it takes three things, God’s grace, the interaction of others in our lives primarily the cross and the will to be a saint by repentance.

The thing is, is that when we think we have it spiritually cracked we are always humbled and realise we know nothing, we are nothing and we are spiritual children, lacking in mercy, kindness, patience, faith, honesty and love and we are riddled with pride.

I hope these words help to show that no-one is any better than any other sinner and no sin is greater than Love. But words from sinners do not speak as clearly as the sinner’s kind thoughts and acts towards others.

In my prayers
 
It comes clearly over time to the wise man that his cross is his ‘self’ and not the self of other men and so he desires great mercy for his own ‘self’ and prays that it would swiftly die.
 
Dear St Gimp, If you are looking for amazing Catholic role models, I would suggest you get involved in your local prolife movement. I am a recently baptized Catholic and find pregnancy counsellors and the people who pray outside the abortion clinics the creme de la creme of Catholicism; also the most humble, joyful, faith-filled and sacrificial. I watch these people and try and imitate their courage and incredible charity.
 
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