As a person who has long struggled with agnosticism, and still would probably qualify as one - I took the same journey as you.
I left the faith several years ago, in anger and dismay over all the division and constant politicization of beliefs. I had nothing to replace it though, except books on secular living and snide New Atheist YouTube channels. I found them and their childish rants to be facile.
I slowly made my way back to church, and when I started back it needed to be one that was accepting of doubters and skeptics like me.
There was another factor though - my teenage son, who had been baptized in our old Anglo-Catholic parish, was not being taught about the faith at all.
I realized I was derelict in my responsibility to give him a foundation other than crowd-sourced mores from social media.
I thought to myself, just because I’m not sure I believe all Christianity’s claims, doesn’t mean I should deprive him of his heritage. The liturgical seasons, the wisdom of the Gospel, the meditative prayer life, the music, the history…all of it should be his, to learn, to live, to grow in his own path.
I wouldn’t say “My child may not even choose to live in the US someday. He might go to Japan and live there, instead. So, he can choose his language when he’s an adult.” That would be absurd. He still needs fluency in a native language to begin with, to have a reference point.
In the same way, Christianity is our religious identity, and I will see my son has a fluency in it, so that he can have a “home” spiritually. So that he understands himself and the society he lives in better.
Since we have joined our church a year ago, I feel much more at peace. Church orients me, refreshes me, and yes, challenges me. My better half has been ever patient and supportive of me, and that’s a minor miracle, in itself. Our son, who having spent his formative years outside church, was reluntant but willing to try this faith thing.
He is not a believer yet, but he is open and questioning. And he has been embraced by the youth group as well. So, it’s a support system he has gained.
Anyway, I shared this to hopefully encourage you to be patient with yourself. You do not need to answer all the Big Questions in a month, a year, even a decade.
Just be open to the possibilities. Take one step, one class, one service, one Liturgical season at a time. And let yourself fully experience it.
it would make this hellish life worth it! Thank you.