A new beginning: Courage, Faith, Trust, Strength and Suffering

[xAlisonx]

i’m slowly emerging from the shattered pieces of another extremely severe spiritual depression, and trying to crawl back into the light. i’m so tired of striving so hard in my faith only to fall/fail, and i’m so tired of feeling like a worthless disappointment to God, of believing the lies that Satan constantly fills my mind with. i don’t know why i suffer so much, or why i have to deal with so much spiritual warfare. if i don’t spend every moment very carefully staying in the light, the lies will begin to attack me and try to drag me back down into the darkness i knew for two and a half years.

i am so ashamed. i feel so weak - i know that i need more courage if i’m going to persevere in my faith, especially since i deal with so much spiritual warfare for some reason. is this level of spiritual warfare even normal? could my past ties to darkness have opened something within me that lets the devil in to attack me more easily? * my faith almost died this time - i even considered giving up completely and returning back into the world to drown myself in darkness for the rest of my life, and end my life in mortal sin so that i could - this is literally what i thought - ‘go to Hell like i deserve.’ luckily, my sanity has been restored, no doubt because of the faithful prayers of all of you on here - such incredible people and such amazing, supportive friends - and i want tonight to spark a new beginning in Jesus, one of living for Him and loving Him as never before, and faithfully being all that God wants, needs and calls me to be. unfortunately, my faith has been weakened by this depression, and i don’t know how i can strengthen it so that it can not only reach its past level, but become as strong as God wants it to be. obviously, i have trouble trusting in God, and tend to trust in my own efforts to reach salvation, which is why i grow so frantic when i fall and fail once more. do any of you have any suggestions or resources on how to grow trust in God? i love Him with all my heart, but i know that i don’t love Him enough, for if i did, i would trust Him more. i’m just very weak and afraid. i struggle with despising myself, and when these depressions come on without warning, i struggle with urges to hurt myself or even to commit suicide. they make me very self-destructive and impulsive, and i’m terrified that if i don’t resolve this spiritual depression soon enough, i will end up doing something i regret – maybe even end up in Hell. i feel a lot of darkness around me, and i’m afraid that i won’t be strong enough to resist it. i feel so ashamed for my lack of trust in God – especially after He literally intervened with a miracle to save me from Hell after my suicide attempt! i just don’t know how i can grow to trust Him more, and so i desperately need your help. any advice and/or resources would be very much appreciated. i would also truly appreciate it if you could give any advice or resources on how to grow in strength in my faith, and most of all, how to deal with suffering.

i have begun to read Divine Mercy in my Soul, and now that my sanity has been restored, i think i’ll be able to read it without breaking down and wondering why i’m not special/good enough for similar experiences. i feel so ashamed comparing myself to this amazing saint – i can only pray to become like her one day – but when i read of her suffering, it sounds very much like mine. i feel like i’m much older than sixteen sometimes, not only because of my past darkness, but because of what i have to struggle through every day. the thread on how disabilities affect one’s spiritual life made me want to cry, because i am just so ashamed. i feel like a terrible Christian and a disappointment to God because of all the ways i don’t trust in Him enough, and i don’t endure suffering well at all. is there any way i can endure this suffering for the sake of the souls in Purgatory, or offer it up to Jesus, joining it with His on the Cross? if any of you have any information or resources on how i can grow stronger and holier through suffering, and endure it for God’s glory, i would very much appreciate it.

i am very glad to tell you that the depression seems to be over, and i am more committed than ever to restoring my faith and working on finding hope and healing in Jesus. i don’t know why i suffer like this, but it must be for a reason, and i do have enough trust in God to know that He will never give me more than i can handle, and that He knows what He is doing with me. i just can’t help but feel that He’s angry with me when i don’t trust in Him, or when i think of myself as worthless. i don’t want to disappoint Him, and i don’t want to make Jesus suffer because of my own weakness. after reading bits and pieces so far of Sister Faustina’s diary, i know that what i struggle with is a huge obstacle to holiness – and please, i’m desperately asking for your help. any resources and/or advice – i would truly appreciate it, also, if you could keep me in your prayers. i feel selfish asking for prayers when it’s my own fault that i suffer this way, but i know that i can’t do this alone, and i trust that all of you on here will help and support me through this. maybe this is God’s way of purifying me to answer my prayer of becoming a saint. i don’t know. all i know is that something deep within me desperately needs to change, and that i can’t make this change alone. i need your help.

thank you so much to all of you – God bless you all. stay strong, and stay safe, and take care of yourselves, and know that you are always in my constant thoughts and deepest prayers.

Jesus, i endure this for You.
oh, my Jesus, have mercy on me.
Jesus, i trust in You.

love,
in the peace and love of Christ,
alison *

 

[Trishie]

Alison I’ll continue to keep you in my prayers.
I thank him for His love and care of you, His loved child.
I ask the Lord to give you resilence in courage, and in trust of Him.

 

[xAlisonx]

Alison I’ll continue to keep you in my prayers.
I thank him for His love and care of you, His loved child.
I ask the Lord to give you resilence in courage, and in trust of Him.

thank you so much beyond words, trishie. you have been so amazing and so supportive, and i appreciate it with all of my heart. God bless you. you are in my constant thoughts and deepest prayers, along with everyone else on here. stay strong, stay safe and take care of yourself.

love,
in the peace and love of Christ,
alison

 

[PhilotheaZ]

God bless you, Alison. I’m glad you are coming out of your depression.

One thing that might help — when you find that you are getting down on yourself, try looking away from yourself and your perceived failings, and concentrate on looking at Jesus and His infinite mercy.

Satan wants to keep you trapped in guilt; Jesus wants to embrace you in His merciful love. Look toward Him with absolute trust.

Use the Sacrament of Reconciliation when you need to, but then give it all over in trust to God who loves you more than you can imagine. Once you have been forgiven, don’t dwell on the past.

My prayers are with you.

 

[Imryl]

In the short time you’ve been here you’ve gone through 2-3 different deep spiritual depressions. You admit to cutting and having suicidal thoughts.

You need to seek the help of a mental help professional.

 

[AveSantaMaria]

Confidently BEGGING the Lord’s mercy, help, trust, and love!

“Jesus has a very special love for you. As for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great that I look and do not see , listen and do not hear.” – Mother Teresa to the Rev. Michael Van Der Peet, September 1979.

"I call, I cling, I want… and there is no One to answer. no One on Whom I can cling … no, No One. Alone… Where is my Faith…even deep down right in there is nothing, but emptiness and darkness… My God…how painful is this unknown pain…I have no Faith… I dare not utter the words and thoughts that crowd in my heart… and make me suffer untold agony.

So many unanswered questions live within me afraid to uncover them… because of the blasphemy… If there be God… please forgive me… When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven there is such convincting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul. I am told God loves me… and yet the reality of darkness and coldness and emptiness is so great that nothing touches my sou." Mother Teresa’s Crisis of Faith time.com/time/printout/0,8816,1655415,00.html

But Joseph Langford, cofounder with Mother Teresa of her community of priests, “Our Lady would help her to not only believe in the night, but to love the night – to transform the mystery of the cross, both within her and around her, into seeds of resurrection.” Mary’s light in Mother Teresa’s Dark Night zenit.org/article-22398?I=english

1497 When i went, in my thoughts, to the chapel, my spirit was plunged into even greater darkness. Total discouragement came over me. Then I heard Satan’s voice: “See how contradictory everything is that Jesus gives to you: He tells you to found a convent, and then He gives you sickness; He tells you to set about establishing this Feast of Mercy while the whole world does not at all want such a feast. Why do you pray for this feast? It is so inopportune.” My soul remained silent and, by an act of will, continued to pray without entering into conversation with the Spirit of Darkness. Nevertheless, such an extraordinary disgust with life came over me that I had to make a great act of the will to consent to go on living…

And again I heard the temptor’s words: “Ask for death for yourself, tomorrow after Holy Communion. God will hear you, for He has heard you so many times before and has given you what you asked for.” I remained silent and, by an act of will, I began to pray, or rather, submitted myself to God, askign Him interiorly not to abandon me at this moment. It was already eleven o’clock at night, and there was silence all around. The sisters were all asleep in their cells, and my soul alone was struggling with great exertion.

The tempter went on: “Why should you bother about other souls? You ought to be praying only for yourself. As for sinners, they will be converted without your prayers. I see that you are suffering very much at this moment. I’m going to give you a piece of advice on which your happiness will depend: never speak about God’s mercy and, in particular, do not encourage sinners to trust in God’s mercy, because they deserve a just punishment. Another very important thing: do not tell your confessors, and especially this extraordinary confessor and the priest in Vilnius, about what goes on in your soul. I know them; I know who they are, and so I want to put you on your guard against them. You see, to live as a good nun, it is sufficient to live like all the others. Why expose yourself to so many difficulties?”

1498 I remained silent, and by an act of will I dwelt in God, although a moan escaped from my heart. Finally, the tempter went away and I, exhausted, fell asleep immediately. In the morning, right after receiving Holy Communion, I went immediately to my cell and falling on my knees I renewed my act of submission in all things to the will of God. “Jesus, I ask You, give me the strength for battle. Let it be done to me according to Your most holy will. My soul is enamored of Your most holy will.”

1499 At that moment, I saw Jesus, who said, **"I am pleased with what you are doing. And you can continue to be at peace if you always do the best you can in respect to this work of mercy. Be absolutely as frank as possible with your confessor.

Satan gained nothing by tempting you, because you did not enter into converation with him. Continue to act in this way. You gave Me great glory today by fighting so faithfully. Let it be confirmed and engraved on your heart that I am always with you, even if you don’t feel My presence at the time of battle.**

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse.

For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world!

O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee!
Sorrowful and Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

 

[AveSantaMaria]

Jesus said to them in reply, "Those who are healthy do not need a physician, but the sick do. I have not come to call the righteous to repentance but sinners."Luke 5:31-32

1452 When the clock struck twelve, my soul immersed itself more deeply in recollection, and I heard a voice in my Soul: Do not fear, My little child, you are not alone. Fight bravely, because My arm is supporting you; fight for the salvation of souls, exhorting them to trust in My mercy, as that is your task in this life and in the life to come. After these words, I received a deeper understanding of divine mercy. Only that soul who wants it will be damned, for God condemns no one.

1454 + When night fell, the physical sufferings increased and were joined by moral sufferings. Night and suffering. The solemn silence of the night made it possible for me to suffer freely. My body was stretched on the wood of the cross. I writhed in terrible pain until eleven o’clock. I went in spirit to the Tabernacle and uncovered the ciorium, leaning my head on the rim of the cup, and all my tears flowed silently toward the Heart of Him who alone understands what pain and suffering is. And I experienced the sweetness of this suffering, and my soul came to desire this sweet agony, which I would not have exchanged for all the world’s treasures. The Lord gave me strength of spirit and love towards those through whom these sufferings came. This then was the first day of the year.

1. Jesus, lover of human salvation, draw all souls to the divine life. May the greatness of Your mercy be praised here on earth and in eternity. O great lover of souls, who in Your boundless compassion opened the salutary fountains of mercy so that weak souls may be fortified in this life’s pilgramage, Your mercy runs throug our life like a golden thread and maintains in good order the contact of our being with God. For He does not need anything to make Him happy; so everything is solely the work of His mercy. My senses are transfixed with joy when God grants me a deeper awareness of that great attribute of His; namely, His unfathomable mercy.

saint-faustina.com/Diary/DMIMS29.shtml

1. The mercy of God, hidden in the Blessed Sacrament, the voice of the Lord who speaks to us from the throne of mercy: Come to Me, all of you.

Conversation of the Merciful God with a Sinful Soul.

Jesus: **Be not afraid of your Savior, O sinful soul. I make the first move to come to you, for I know that by yourself you are unable to lift yourself to me. Child, do not run away from your Father; be willing to talk openly with your God of mercy who wants to speak words of pardon and lavish his graces on you. How dear your soul is to me! I have inscribed your name upon My hand; you are engraved as a deep wound in My Heart. **

Soul: Lord, I hear your voice calling me to turn back from the path of sin, but I have neither the strength nor the courage to do so.

Jesus: I am your strength, I will help you in the struggle.

Soul: Lord, I recognize your holiness, and I fear You.

Jesus: My child, do you fear the God of mercy? My holiness does not prevent Me from being merciful. Behold, for you I have established a throne of mercy on earth-the tabernacle-and from this throne I desire to enter into your heart. I am not surrounded by a retinue or guards. You can come to me at any moment, at any time, I want to speak to you and desire to grant you grace.

Soul: Lord, I doubt that You will pardon my numerous sins; my misery fills me with fright.

Jesus: My mercy is greater than your sins and those of the entire world. Who can measure the extent of my goodness? FOr you I descended from heaven to earth; for you I allowed myself to be nailed to the cross; for you I let my Sacred Heart be pierced with a lance, thus opening wide the source of mercy for you. Come then, with trust to draw graces from this fountain. I never reject a contrite heart. Your misery has disappeared in the depths of My mercy. Do not argue with Me about your wretchedness. You will give me pleasure if you hand over to me all your troubles and griefs. I shall heap upon you the treasures of My grace.

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse.

For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world!

O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee!
Sorrowful and Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

 

[AveSantaMaria]

Soul: You have conquered, O Lord, my stony heart with Your goodness. In trust and humility I approach the tribunal of Your mercy, where You yourself absolve me by the hand of your representative. O Lord, I feel Your grace and Your peace filling my poor soul. I feel overwhelmed by Your mercy, O Lord. You forgive me, which is more than I dared to hope for or could imagine. Your goodness surpasses all my desires. And now, filled with gratitude for so many graces, I invite You to my heart. I wandered, like a prodigal child gone astray; but you did not cease to be my Father. Increase Your mercy toward me, for You see how weak I am.

Jesus: Child, speak no more of your misery; it is already forgotten. Listen, My child, to what I desire to tell you. Come close to My wounds and draw from the Fountain of Life whatever your heart desires. Drink copiously from the Fountain of Life and you will not weary on your journey. Look at the splendors of My mercy and do not fear the enemies of your salvation. Glorify My mercy.

Conversation of the Merciful God with a Despairing Soul.

1. Jesus: O soul steeped in darkness, do not despair. All is not yet lost. Come and confide in your God, who is love and mercy.

• But the soul, deaf even to this appeal, wraps itself in darkness.

Jesus calls out again: My child, listen to the voice of your merciful Father.

• In the soul arises this reply: “For me there is no mercy,” and it falls into greater darkness, a despair which is a foretaste of hell and makes it unable to draw near to God.

Jesus calls to the soul a third time, but the soul remains deaf and blind, hardened and despairing. Then the mercy of God begins to exert itself, and, without any co-operation from the soul, God grants it final grace. If this too is spurned, God will leave the soul in this self-chosen disposition for eternity. This grace emerges from the merciful Heart of Jesus and gives the soul a special light by means of which the soul begins to understand God’s effort; but conversion depends on its own will. The soul knows that this, for her, is final grace and, should it show even a flicker of good will, the mercy of God will accomplish the rest.

My omnipotent mercy is active here. Happy the soul that takes advantage of this grace.

Jesus: What joy fills My Heart when you return to me. Because you are weak, I take you in My arms and carry you to the home of My Father.

Soul (as if awaking, asks fearfully): Is it possible that there yet is mercy for me?

Jesus: There is, My child. You have a special claim on My mercy. Let it act in your poor soul; let the rays of grace enter your soul; they bring with them light, warmth, and life.

Soul: But fear fills me at the thought of my sins, and this terrible fear moves me to doubt Your goodness.

Jesus: My child, all your sins have not wounded My Heart as painfully as your present lack of trust does that after so many efforts of My love and mercy, you should still doubt My goodness.

Soul: O Lord, save me yourself, for I perish. Be my Savior. O Lord, I am unable to say anything more; my pitiful heart is torn asunder; but You, O Lord… Jesus does not let the soul finish but, raising it from the ground, from the depths of its misery, he leads it into the recesses of His Heart where all its sins disappear instantly, consumed by the fmales of love.

Jesus: Here, soul, are all the treasures of My Heart. Take everything you need from it.

Soul: O Lord, I am inundated with Your grace. I sense that a new life has entered into me and, above all, I feel Your love in my heart. That is enough for me. O Lord, I will glorify the omnipotence of Your mercy for all eternity. Encouraged by Your goodness, I will confide to You all the sorrows of my heart.

Jesus: Tell me all, My child, hide nothing from Me, because My loving Heart, the Heart of your Best Friend, is listening to you.

Soul: O Lord, now I see all my ingratitude and Your goodness. You were pursuing me with your grace, while I was frustrating Your benevolence. I see that I deserve the depths of hell for spurning Your graces.

Jesus (interrupting): Do not be absorbed in your misery-you are still too weak to speak of it-but, rather, gaze on My Heart filled with goodness, and be imbued with My sentiments. Strive for meekness and humility; be merciful to others, as I am to you; and, when you feel your strength failing, if you come to the fountain of mercy to fortify your soul, you will not grow weary on your journey.

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse.

For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world!

O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee!
Sorrowful and Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

 

[AveSantaMaria]

Soul: Now I understand Your mercy, which protects me, and like a brilliant star, leads me into the home of my Father, protecting me from the horrors of hell that I have deserved, not once, but a thousand times. O Lord, eternity will hardly suffice for me to give due praise to Your unfathomable mercy and Your compassion for me.

• Conversation of the Merciful God with a Suffering Soul

1487 Jesus: Pour soul, I see that you suffer much and that you do not have even the strength to converse with me. So I will speak to you. Even though your sufferings were very great, do not lose heart or give in to despondency. But tell Me, my child, who has dared to wound your heart? Tell me about everything, be sincere in dealing with Me, reveal all the wounds of your heart. I will heal them, and your suffering will become a source of your santification.

Soul: Lord, my sufferings are so great and numerous and have lasted so long that I become discouraged.

Jesus: My child, do not be discouraged. I know your boundless trust in Me; I know you are aware of My goodness and mercy. Let us talk in detail about everything that weighs so heavily upon your heart.

Soul: There are so many different things that I do not know what to speak about first, nor how to express it.

Jesus: Talk to Me simply, as a friend to a friend. Tell Me now, My child, what hinders you from advancing in holiness?

Soul: Poor health detains me on the way to holiness. I cannot fulfill my duties. I am as useless as an extra wheel on a wagon. I cannot mortify myself or fast to any extent, as the saints did. Furthermore, nobody believes I am sick, so that mental pain is added to those of the body, and I am often humiliated. Jesus, how can anyone become holy in such circumstances?

Jesus: True, My child, all that is painful. But there is no way to heaven except the way of the cross. I followed it first. You must learn that it is the shortest and surest way.

Soul: Lord, there is another obstacle on the road to holiness. Because I am faithful to You, I am persecuted and suffer much.

Jesus: It is because you are not of this world that the world hates you. First it persecuted Me. Persecution is a sign that you are following in My footsteps faithfully.

Soul: My Lord, I am also discouraged because neither my superiors nor my confessor understand my interior trials. A darkness clouds my mind. How can I advance? All this discourages me from striving for the heights of sanctity.

Jesus: **Well, My child, this time you have told Me a good deal. I realize how painful it is not to be understood, and especially by those whom one loves and with whom one has been very open. But suffice it to know that I understand all your troubles and misery. I am pleased by the deep faith you have, despite everything, in My representatives. Learn from this that no one will understand a soul entirely-that is beyond human ability. Therefore, I have remained on earth to comfort your aching heart and to fortify your soul, so that you will not falter on the way. You say that a dense darkness is obscuring your mind. But why, at such times, do you not come to Me, the light who can in an instant pour into your soul more understanding about holiness than can be found in any books? No confessor is capable of teaching and enlightening a soul in this way.

Know, too, that the darkness about which you complain I first endured in the Garden of Olives when My Soul was crushed in mortal anguish. I am giving you a share in those sufferings because of My special love for you and in view of the high degree of holiness I am intending for you in heaven. A suffering soul is closet to My Heart.**

Soul: One more thing, Lord. What should I do when I am ignored and rejected by people, especially by those on whom I had a right to count in times of greatest need?

Jesus: My child, make the resolution never to rely on people. Entrust yourself completely to My will saying, “Not as I want, but according to Your will, O God, let it be done unto me.” These words, spoken from the depths of one’s heart, can raise a soul to the summit of sanctity in a short time. In such a soul I delight. Such a soul gives Me glory. Such a soul fills heaven with the fragrance of her virtue. But understand that the strength by which you bear sufferings comes from frequent Communions. So approach this fountain of mercy often, to draw with the vessel of trust whatever you need.

Soul: Thank You, Lord, for your goodness in remaining with us in this exile as the God of mercy and blessing us with the radiance of Your compassion and goodness. It is through the light of Your mercy that I have come to understand how much You love me.

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse.

For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world!

O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee!
Sorrowful and Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. HoIy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

 

[AveSantaMaria]

1. Conversation of the Merciful God with a Soul Striving after Perfection.

Jesus: I am pleased with your efforts, O soul aspiring for perfection, but why do I see you so often sad and depressed? Tell Me, My child, what is the meaning of this sadness, and what is its cause?

Soul: Lord, the reason for my sadness is that, in spite of my sincere resolutions, I fall again into the same faults. I make resolutions in the morning, but in the evening I see how much I have departed from them.

Jesus: You see, My child, what you are of yourself. The cause of your falls is that you rely too much upon yourself and too little on Me. But let this not sadden you so much. You are dealing with the God of mercy, which your misery cannot exhaust. Remember, I did not allot only a certain number of pardons.

Soul: Yes, I know all that, but great temptations assail me, and various doubts awaken within me and, moreover, everything irritates and discourages me.

Jesus: My child, know that the greatest obstacles to holiness are discouragement and an exaggerated anxiety. These will deprive you of the ability to practice virtue. All temptations united together ought not disturb your interior peace, not even momentarily. Sensitiveness and discouragement are the fruits of self-love. You should not become discouraged, but strive to make My love reign in place of your self-love. Have confidence, My child. Do not lose heart in coming for pardon for I am always ready to forgive you. As often as you beg for it, you glorify My mercy.

Soul: I understand what is the better thing to do, what pleases You more, but I encounter great obstacles in acting on this understanding.

Jesus: **My child, life on earth is a struggle indeed; a great struggle for My kingdom. But fear not, because you are not alone. I am always supporting you, so lean on Me as you struggle, fearing nothing. Take the vessel of trust and draw from the fountain of life-for yourself, but also for other souls, especially such as are distrustful of My goodness.

Soul: O Lord, I feel my heart being filled with Your love and the rays of Your mercy and love piercing my soul. I go, Lord, at Your command. I go to conquer souls. Sustained by Your grace, I am ready to follow You, Lord, not only to Tabor, but also to Calvary. I desire to lead souls to the fount of Your mercy so that the splendor of Your mercy may be reflected in all souls, and the home of our Father be filled to overflowing. And when the enemy begins to attack me, I shall take refuge behind the shield of Your mercy.

1489 Conversation of the Merciful God with a Perfect Soul.

Soul: My Lord and Master, I desire to converse with You.

Jesus: **Speak, My beloved child, for I am always listening. I wait for you. What do you desire to say? ****

Soul: Lord, first let me pour out my heart at Your feet in a fragrant anointing of gratitude for the many blessings which You lavish upon me; even if I wanted to, I could not count them. I only recall that there has never been a moment in my life in which I have not experienced Your protection and goodness.

Jesus: Your words please Me, and your thanksgiving opens up new treasures of graces. But, My child, we should talk in more detail about the things that lie in your heart. Let us talk confidentially and frankly, as two hearts that love one another do.

Soul: O my merciful Lord, there are secrets in my heart which no one knows or will ever know except You because, even if I wanted to reveal them, no one would understand me. Your minister knows some because I confess to him, but he knows only the bit of these mysteries that I am capable of revealing; the rest remains between us for eternity, O My Lord! You have covered me with the cloak of Your mercy, pardoning my sins. Not once did You refuse Your pardon; You always had pity on me, giving me a new life of grace. To prevent doubts, You have entrusted me to the loving care of Your Church, that tender mother, who in Your name assures me of the truths of faith and watches lest I wander. Especially in the tribunal of Your mercy does my soul meet an ocean of favors, though You did not give the Fallen Angels time to repent or prolong their time of mercy. O my Lord, you have provided saintly priests to show me the sure way. Jesus, there is one more secret in my life, the deepest and dearest to my heart: it is You yourself when You come to my heart under the appearance of bread. Herein lies the whole secret of my sanctity. Here my heart is so united with Yours as to be but one. There are no more secrets, because all that is Yours is mine, and all that is mine is Yours. Such is the omnipotence and the miracle of Your mercy.

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse.

For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world!

O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee!
Sorrowful and Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

 

[AveSantaMaria]

All the tongues of men and of angels united could not find words adequate to this mystery of Your love and mercy.

When I contemplate this mystery, my heart falls into a new ectasy. In silence I tell You everything, Lord, because the language of love is without words; not a single stirring of my heart escapes You. O Lord, the extent of Your great condescension has awakened in my soul an even greater love for You, the sole object of my love. The life of union manifests itself in perfect purity, deep humility, gentle silence, and great zeal for the salvation of souls.

O my sweetest Lord, You watch over me each moment and inspire me as to how I should act in a precise situation, when my heart wavers between two things. You yourself frequently intervened in the resolution of a difficulty. Countless times, by means of a sudden enlightenment, You have given me to know what is the more pleasing to You.

Oh, how numerous are the instances of forgiveness about which no one knows! How often You have poured into my soul courage and perseverance to go forward. It is You yourself who removed obstacles from my road, intervening directly in the actions of people. O Jesus, everything I have said to You is but a pale shadow of what is taking place in my heart. O my Jesus, how ardently I desire the conversion of sinners! You know what I am doing for them to win them for You. Every offense against You wounds me deeply. I spare neither strength, nor health, nor life itself in defense of Your kingdom. Although my efforts may remain invisible on earth, they are no less valuable in Your eyes.

O Jesus, I want to bring souls to the fount of Your mercy to draw the reviving water of life with the vessel of trust. The soul desirous of more of God’s mercy should approach God with greater trust; and if her trust in God is unlimited, then the mercy of God toward it will be likewise limitless. O my God, Who know every beat of my heart, You know how eagerly I desire that all hearts would beat for You alone, that every soul glorify the greatness of Your mercy.

Jesus: **My beloved child, delight of My Heart, your words are dearer and more pleasing to me than the angelic chorus. All the treasures of My Heart are open to you. Take from this Heart all that you need for yourself and for the whole world. For the sake of your love, I withhold the just chastisements, which mankind has deserved. A single act of pure love pleases Me more than a thousand imperfect prayers. One of your sighs of love atones for many offense with which the godless overwhelm Me. The smallest act of virtue has unlimited value in My eyes because of your great love for Me. In a soul that lives on My love alone, I reign as in heaven. I watch over it day and night. In it I find My happiness; My ear is attentive to each request of its heart; often I anticipate its requests. O child, especially beloved by Me, apple of my eye, rest a moment near My Heart and taste of the love in which you will delight for all eternity.

But child, you are not yet in your homeland; so go, fortified by My grace, and fight for My kingdom in human souls; fight as a king’s child would; and remember that the days of your exile will pass quickly, and with them the possibility of earning merit for heaven. I expect from you, My child, a great number of souls who will glorify My mercy for all eternity. My child, that you may answer My call worthily, receive Me daily in Holy Communion. It will give you strength…**

Jesus, do not leave me alone in suffering. You know, Lord, how weak I am. I am an abyss of wretchedness, I am nothingness itself; so what will be so strange if You leave me alone and I fall? I am an infant, Lord, so I cannot get along by myself. However, beyond all abandonment I trust, and in spite of my own feeling I trust, and I am being completely transformed into trust-often in spite of what I feel. Do not lessen any of my sufferings, only give me strength to bear them. Do with me as You please, Lord, only give me the grace to be able to love You in every event and circumstance. Lord, do not lessen my cup of bitterness, only give me strength that I may be able to drink it all.

O Lord, sometimes You lift me up to the brightness of visions, and then again You plunge me into the darkness of night and the abyss of my nothingness, and my soul feels as if it were alone in the wilderness. Yet, above all things, I trust in You, Jesus, for You are unchangeable. My moods change, but You are always the same, full of mercy.

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse.

For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world!

O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee!
Sorrowful and Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

 

[AveSantaMaria]

1490 + Jesus, source of life, sanctify me. O my strength, fortify me. My Commander, fight for me. Only light of my soul, enlighten me. My Master, guide me. I entrust myself to You as a little child does to its mother’s love. Even if all things were to conspire against me, and even if the ground were to give way under my feet, I would be at peace close to Your heart. You are always a most tender mother to me, and You surpass all mothers. I will sing of my pain to You by my silence, and You will understand me beyond any utterance…

1491 + The Lord visited me today and said, My daughter, do not be afraid of what will happen to you. I will give you nothing beyond your strength. You know the power of My grace; let that be enough. After these words, the Lord gave me a deeper understanding of the action of His grace.

Link to someone else’s guide on**Suffering and Holiness** (found on the Spirituality and Disabilities thread by JReducation)

Dear Alison,
I sincerely hope and pray that these depressions being used by God to grow you. "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."Matthew 5:3 Maybe you are becoming more “poor in spirit” or “humble” by being able to read lives of saints and rejoice at their holiness while still striving to join your will to the will of God yourself. I’m not nearly as holy as St. Maria Faustina or St. Therese of Liseux either!! That doesn’t mean that Christ can’t make me into a miniscule little daffodil in his heavenly garden if he wishes. Maybe you are also realizing that you need to grow in “trust in God” and to rely on his strength.

From St. Maria Faustina’s Diary: Divine Mercy in My Soul

Jesus: I am pleased with your efforts, O soul aspiring for perfection, but why do I see you so often sad and depressed? Tell Me, My child, what is the meaning of this sadness, and what is its cause?

Soul: Lord, the reason for my sadness is that, in spite of my sincere resolutions, I fall again into the same faults. I make resolutions in the morning, but in the evening I see how much I have departed from them.

Jesus: You see, My child, what you are of yourself. The cause of your falls is that you rely too much upon yourself and too little on Me. But let this not sadden you so much. You are dealing with the God of mercy, which your misery cannot exhaust. Remember, I did not allot only a certain number of pardons.

saint-faustina.com/Diary/DMIMS29.shtml

Another poster Angeluzza forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?p=4649550#post4649550 posted here that “angels love God very much and never sin, unlike us humans who often do not love God and do sin, angels are unable to actually prove their love for God as we humans are able to. I read that they look at us, and see all of our sufferings with a holy envy - they will never have the chance to suffer and thus prove their love of God. I imagine if they could have one moment of earthly suffering, they would be so delighted if just for the chance of proving their love.” This poster also wrote “I once read that St. Therese of Liseux was quite upset herself when she pondered the statement that only those who have been forgiven much can love much. This really bothered her. She had never fallen into any mortal sins, she had always had stumbling blocks removed for her path - so very little seemed to have been forgiven her. She felt frustrated that someone would suggest she could love little.”

Maybe you might try keeping a diary to record what you are going through.

Today I will also try to say a Litany of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, a Litany of the Holy Spirit and Litany of the Blessed Virgin for you!

Take care! God loves you very very much! He cares extremely about the fate of your life, more than you yourself do, and he can give you the grace of courage, faith, trust, strength, and love if you beg him for it!
*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse.

For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world!

O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee!
Sorrowful and Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

 

[AveSantaMaria]

A Pharisee invited him to dine with him, and he entered the Pharisee’s house and reclined at table. Now there was a sinful woman in the city who learned that he was at table in the house of the Pharisee. Bringing an alabaster flask of ointment, she stood behind him at his feet weeping and began to bathe his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them, and anointed them with the ointment. When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, that she is a sinner.”
Jesus said to him in reply, “Simon, I have something to say to you.” Tell, me teacher," he said.
“Two people were in debt to a certain creditor; one owed five hundred days’ wages and the other owed fifty.
Since they were unable to repay the debt, he forgave it for both. Which of them will love him more?”
Simon said in reply, “The one, I suppose, whose larger debt was forgiven.” He said to him, “You have judged rightly.”
Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? When I entered your house, you did not give me water for my feet, but she has bathed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair.
You did not give me a kiss, but she has not ceased kissing my feet since the time I entered.
YOu did not anoint my head with oil, but she anointed my feet with ointment.
So I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven; hence, she has shown great love. But the one to whom little is forgiven, loves little.
He said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”
The others at the table said to themselves, “Who is this who even forgives sins?”
But he said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.” Luke: 7:36-50

As well as a Divine Mercy Chaplet ewtn.com/Devotionals/mercy/dmmap.htm

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse.

For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world!

O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee!
Sorrowful and Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

 

[Epistemes]

May the Lord keep you on this peaceful path you’ve begun.

You remain in my prayers.

 

[xAlisonx]

In the short time you’ve been here you’ve gone through 2-3 different deep spiritual depressions. You admit to cutting and having suicidal thoughts.

You need to seek the help of a mental help professional.

i will respond to everyone else’s posts personally, but for now i just wanted to address this one first.

thank you for your concern. actually, i have been seeing a therapist for the past four years, but not a spiritual one, which is what i think i truly need. when i fall into a spiritual depression, i usually confide in my pastor, an amazing man who i trust and care for immensely. i didn’t this time, but most of the time, i find much encouragement and strength in his words. he actually asked me if i wanted to talk to two ladies who are spiritual directors at my church, and today i plan to call him and tell him that i’d love to speak with them - and him. i agree with you that i need help with these depressions, although not necessarily mental, but i’d say spiritual. i do suffer from various disorders, although my medication keeps them under control, and i do believe with all my heart that God has healed me immensely, leaving me only to suffer from these times when the darkness attacks me and i crumble under the weight of my own inability to resist it. i’m not really able to confide in my secular therapist about these depressions, which can become incredibly serious and deep, which is why i’m considering asking my parents if i can find some sort of spiritual director who can help me with what i go through when the darkness does come over me.

actually, i have not cut myself in over a year and a half. i’ve considered it, but i’ve been able to resist that temptation, thank God. i have become suicidal during these depressions, although i would never do anything to myself - it’s not truly a longing to die, more of a wish that the pain would finally end. i am feeling much better, refreshed, strengthened and empowered, and i know much joy and peace and hope at the moment. i don’t consider myself mentally ill anymore - i consider these depressions to be rooted in something spiritual that only a priest can help me with, not a mental health professional, so, again, i will try to talk with my pastor today.

i do appreciate your support, concern and advice, though. thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond. i promise you that i am doing much better, and that i am seeking help for this problem that i feel is completely spiritual. stay strong, stay safe and take care of yourself - God bless you.

love,
in the peace and love of Christ,
alison

 

[xAlisonx]

thank you so much beyond words, PhilotheaZ, for taking the time to read and to respond. i have had a great day filled with joy, hope, love and peace, and am feeling infinitely better. i trust, hope and pray that what i feel now will continue in the new strength i have in God.

i do find that when i fall into these depressions, i tend to focus not on Jesus and the Love i now know He has for me, and the Mercy i know fills His Heart, but on myself and my weaknesses, which obviously causes me to lose strength and hope. any time i look away from Jesus, i know that i will fall—so i am praying for the grace to always keep my heart focused on Him alone and never to trust in my own efforts for salvation, but to rely completely and forever on Him.

because of my past darkness, there are a lot of areas in my life that haven’t yet experienced God’s healing; not because He doesn’t want to heal me, but because i don’t think i’ve let Him in to heal the scars i still have. so i’m praying for the grace as well to give myself completely to Him, and to allow Him to touch with His healing Spirit all the places that are still scarred and broken from my past. i am beginning to trust in Jesus once more, and i feel so much stronger already. my joy, hope and peace has returned, and i do find that i sin much less when i am not focusing on myself and my weaknesses.

it’s hard for me to use Confession as often as i would like, as my parents are not as religious as i am and only go twice a year, but i will try to ask them if i can go more often, as i know that it would help me so much. i do know, intellectually, that God loves me; i just need to allow my once-broken heart, over time, to accept that amazing truth as well.

thank you so much for your prayers, PhilotheaZ. i truly appreciate them. stay strong, stay safe and take care of yourself, and God bless you.

love,
in the peace and love of Christ,
alison

 

[xAlisonx]

AveSantaMaria, you have been so incredibly supportive beyond words, and so incredible—just absolutely amazing to me—and no words can express how much i truly appreciate all that you’ve done for me. your posts have helped me and inspired me so much, and to know that you would take the time to make posts of such length and depth truly means the world to me. i admire you so much, and thank you from the bottom of my heart.

in some of my past spiritual depressions (since i became a reborn Christian on november 22, 2007, i’ve had at least a hundred of them!), i actually did research what it means to experience the dark night of the soul. i’m not sure if i’m experiencing a very small version of the dark night, or if it’s something else, but i do know that i can definitely relate to Mother Teresa’s words during my spiritual depressions, when i feel alone, abandoned, lost, broken and without faith.

oh, Divine Mercy in my Soul has been such an incredible source of inspiration, comfort and hope to me. it is so amazing, and now that i am able to see and feel much more clearly, i am able to appreciate its depth and beauty. instead of wondering why i’m not ‘good/special’ enough for these experiences, i am able to appreciate the beauty and hope that just overflows from her diary. thank you so much for posting excerpts from this indescribably beautiful resource. i am not nearly as faithful when it comes to fighting the enemy, but i am more determined than ever not to let him bring me down anymore. i know what the truth is, and i will fight back with all my heart with that truth—i am not a victim, but i can do all things through Him Who is my strength.

oh, to know the depth of God’s mercy! now i see, and now i understand. the God Who did not abandon me when i attempted suicide, but actually intervened with a miracle to keep me from Hell, is the same God Who i completely trust will take care of me and bring me through future times of darkness, which i know will happen again. i am learning to rely completely on Him for my strength, as on my own i am only weakness and failure, but in Him there is infinite hope. it’s so comforting to know how deeply God loves not only me, but my friends and family who are lost—i trust that He will draw them to Himself, especially as i keep them in my thoughts and prayers and heart.

i actually was wandering around these boards yesterday when i came across the Conversation of the Merciful God with a Despairing Soul—it was after the pain had lessened considerably, and i almost began to cry. it was exactly what i needed to read, and i have no doubt that God led me to it to remind me of His goodness, love and mercy. i am beginning to pray over Divine Mercy in my Soul, and copy excerpts into my prayer journal, and i have no doubt that it will be an enriching experience that will help me and strengthen me considerably.

AveSantaMaria, i have no doubt that God has a purpose for me through all of the darkness i’ve been through. i’m not sure exactly why i have to suffer so much sometimes, but i do trust that God will bring goodness and strength out of it. unfortunately, usually when i fall into darkness, i don’t prove so much my love for God as my weakness without Him—or maybe the fact that no matter what happens, i will never commit suicide or hurt myself ever again, shows that i am willing to endure anything for Jesus’ sake. i hope that does show at least a semblance of love, as i truly do love Him with all my heart, and only pray to love Him more each moment.

i actually have begun a prayer journal to record my thoughts, feelings, experiences and prayers, and this is where i will record my thoughts on Divine Mercy in my Soul as well as extracts that inspire and encourage me—or challenge me. i’m beginning to realize that i’m only sixteen, and that i have many, many years to grow in holiness and strength and trust in God, and to become all that He wants, needs and calls me to be. it’s hard for me to remember my age sometimes—at times i feel that i’ve lived a thousand lives. but God, in His goodness, has brought so much beauty, hope and strength from my past agony, and i trust that He will do the same from the spiritual depressions as well.

thank you so much beyond words, AveSantaMaria, for all that you have done for me and for your faithful prayers. stay strong, stay safe and take care of yourself, and God bless you.

love,
in the peace and love of Christ,
alison

 

[xAlisonx]

thank you so much beyond words, Epistemes, for taking the time to read and to respond. you have been so faithful in reading and responding to my posts, and i appreciate it so much. thank you so much for your prayers—i appreciate them with all of my heart. stay strong, stay safe and take care of yourself, and God bless you.

love,
in the peace and love of Christ,
alison

 

[Simon_X]

i will respond to everyone else’s posts personally, but for now i just wanted to address this one first.

thank you for your concern. actually, i have been seeing a therapist for the past four years, but not a spiritual one, which is what i think i truly need. when i fall into a spiritual depression, i usually confide in my pastor, an amazing man who i trust and care for immensely. i didn’t this time, but most of the time, i find much encouragement and strength in his words. he actually asked me if i wanted to talk to two ladies who are spiritual directors at my church, and today i plan to call him and tell him that i’d love to speak with them - and him. i agree with you that i need help with these depressions, although not necessarily mental, but i’d say spiritual. i do suffer from various disorders, although my medication keeps them under control, and i do believe with all my heart that God has healed me immensely, leaving me only to suffer from these times when the darkness attacks me and i crumble under the weight of my own inability to resist it. i’m not really able to confide in my secular therapist about these depressions, which can become incredibly serious and deep, which is why i’m considering asking my parents if i can find some sort of spiritual director who can help me with what i go through when the darkness does come over me.

actually, i have not cut myself in over a year and a half. i’ve considered it, but i’ve been able to resist that temptation, thank God. i have become suicidal during these depressions, although i would never do anything to myself - it’s not truly a longing to die, more of a wish that the pain would finally end. i am feeling much better, refreshed, strengthened and empowered, and i know much joy and peace and hope at the moment. i don’t consider myself mentally ill anymore - i consider these depressions to be rooted in something spiritual that only a priest can help me with, not a mental health professional, so, again, i will try to talk with my pastor today.

i do appreciate your support, concern and advice, though. thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond. i promise you that i am doing much better, and that i am seeking help for this problem that i feel is completely spiritual. stay strong, stay safe and take care of yourself - God bless you.

love,
in the peace and love of Christ,
alison

Hi Alison,

I am happy to hear that you are doing better. Know that you always have many who care, support, and pray for you here. I don’t have a lot to add, but I would encourage you to not only keep talking to your Pastor (he sounds like a good man), but maybe try getting a Spiritual Director as you mentioned. You have battles on many fronts, but as you say, stay strong and take care. Will keep you in my prayers…

 

[AveSantaMaria]

I am hopefully overjoyed that you are doing better!

You are very young, only slightly older than Mary when she became Mother of Christ. Maybe you both were forced to grow up due to suffering; she lost her engagement to Joseph and had the threat of being stoned to death over her head, then had the flight from Egypt and the murder of those hundreds of innocent children in connection with her divine Son. Only after reading one saint’s interpretation of her sorrows did I start to appreciate her sufferings. On the Dolors (Sufferings) of Mary by St. Alphonsus de Liguori, one of the 33 Doctors of the Catholic Church.

You inspire me as well, in your perseverance and commitment to the faith despite severe temptations, commitment to leading your friends to Christ, and your strongly held desire to be a saint, resembling saintly women of the past. Only three women are Doctors of the Church, St. Therese of Liseux, St. Teresa of Avila, and St. Catherine of Siena. St. Therese of Liseux tried to enter the Carmelite convent at 9, then at 14, and was rejected both times for youth and immaturity, and finally after an audience with the Pope entered at 15. St. Teresa of Avila entered at 20, and St. Catherine of Siena became a Dominican Tertiary at 16. She wished to become one earlier but the nuns would not allow her. Only when she became very ill and her mother told them her death would be on their heads they did allow it. And St. Maria Faustina also wanted to become a saint.

#1372 My Jesus, You know that from my earliest years I have wanted to become a great saint; that is to say, I have wanted to love You with a love so great that there would be no soul who has hitherto loved You so. At first these desires of mine were kept secret, and only Jesus knew of them. But today I cannot contain them within my heart; I would like to cry out to the whole world, “Love God, because He is good and great is His mercy!”

saint-faustina.com/Diary/DMIMS27.shtml

It is WONDERFUL to learn and imitate the saints. I have been reading recently on St. Katherine Drexel, one of only eight American saints. She died in 1955 and founded 62 schools for Native Americans (and black people ), Xavier University in Louisiana (only Catholic HBCU), and an order Sisters of the Blessed Sacrament, for missionary work among Native Americans and black people. St. Gianna Molla was a married physician who died in 1962 rather than have an abortion. Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton was a widowed American Protestant convert to Catholicism. Some saint said that the only thing necessary to become a saint is to “will it.” allformary.org/AmericanSaints/

The parable of the talents provides me with encouragement if I am not a chosen soul. "It will be as when a man who was going on a journey called in his servants and entrusted his possessions to them. To one he gave five talents; to another, two; to a third, one–to each according to his ability. Then he went away. Immediately the one who received five talents went and traded with them, and made another five. Likewise, the one who received two made another two. But the man who received one went off and dug a hole in the ground and buried his master’s money.

After a long time the master of those servants came back and settled accounts with them. The one who had received five talents came forward bringing the additional five. He said, ‘Master, you gave me five talents. See, I have made five more.’ His master said to him, ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant. Since you were faithful in small matters, I will give you great responsibilities. Come, share your master’s joy.’ (Then) the one who had received two talents also came forward and said, ‘Master, you gave me two talents. See, I have made two more.’ His master said to him, ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant. Since you were faithful in small matters, I will give you great responsibilities. Come, share your master’s joy.’ Then the one who had received the one talent came forward and said, ‘Master, I knew you were a demanding person, harvesting where you did not plant and gathering where you did not scatter; so out of fear I went off and buried your talent in the ground. Here it is back.’ His master said to him in reply, 'You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I did not plant and gather where I did not scatter? Should you not then have put my money in the bank so that I could have got it back with interest on my return? Now then! Take the talent from him and give it to the one with ten." Matthew 25:14-28

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse.

For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world! For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world!

O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee and those who do not!
Sorrowful and Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us!

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *