A new problem

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Southern_Eagle

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I posted a thread a little while ago with the details of a situation I’ve been dealing with, so I’ll try not to be very long winded (although I can’t help it sometimes - thanks to all who replied last time).
Basically there is a girl in my life that I love very much who was in a downward spiral of a relationship. He basically was just leading her into sin and was taking away her self image and spirituality to the point where she was starting to hate herself and lose all trust in others. I fell in love with her a while ago, but have recently (reluctantly) decided that we aren’t meant to be together.
Anyway, she broke up with him finally (I was so proud of her) and left for about a week to be with her sister.
When she came back to town, she immediately got back together with him. She tried to lie to me about it, but I know her better than that.
All he does is talk down to her, yell at her, get angry and use her for sex. He uses her for her car (he doesn’t have one). They sleep for 10-12 hours a day and basically drink for the rest.
I know deep down she is miserable. She has confided in me for a very long time how awful it is, but says it feels “normal.” She spends most of her alone time crying.
I have many, many personal struggles in my life, and when she got back together with him and lied to me again (she feels like she has to lie because she is ashamed about the way her life is going) I kind of lost it. I told her that she is a sinking ship and that at this point all I could do is “sink with her or get off the boat.”
I can’t believe I said that, but I’ve been a wreck over it. She tells me that she can put on a “happy face” in public and I need to learn to do that.
Everytime she shares her pain with me, I feel pain too. Combine that with the lying and my feelings for her, and I told her I couldn’t handle having her in my life any more. I told her I didn’t want to see her or talk to her again.
I feel terrible. I feel like a weak monster who abandoned her in her time of need. I haven’t seen or heard from her in almost a week, and I know how alone she is, but in a fit of anger I deleted her number from my phone. I could call her sister to get it, but I don’t know what to do.
I feel like I’m abandoning her in her time of need. I am praying for her and praying for her, and maybe that’s all I can do? She’s stubborn like me, and I know she has to learn her lessons by herself.
But what if she needs me?
Maybe she doesn’t want to see me again?
I feel like we both bring each other down emotionally (although she always tells me she needs me for spiritual guidance), but I also feel like turning my back on her (even though it was terribly difficult) was completly selfish of me.
What should I do?
Is it sinful of me to abandon her in her time of despair?
Is it sinful for me to try and help her (she’s also said numerous times that she won’t leave him until she hits “rock bottom”) even though it causes me nothing but sadness, anger and despair?
How selfish am I being?
 
Stay away. It sounds like she has an addiction problem. he is part of this, trust in God and let go.

Separation from you may help her reach “rock bottom” Let her hit and she may start back up. If you keep propping her up she can stay right where she is for years

If she needs to talk to you, she will. Meanwhile, she is his girlfriend. Thou shall not covet.
 
There is such a thing as “tough love.” There are times when this is the right thing to do in relationships. This girl is on a runaway train. She’s leaned on you and it hasn’t brought about any growth or change in her. Sometimes endless kindness can give a person excuse not to change. She binds you by telling you that you are her spiritual guidance, but she doesn’t take that guidance.

I know you feel awful and as if you’ve abandoned her. But if you’ve kicked out a crutch from under her…well it’s up to her to learn to stand and to walk. You are more than a crutch. You deserve a life of your own too. Being sponge to her misery so far does neither of you good.

It’s a gamble…but though you didn’t intend to withdraw your support…it’s happened, and she’ll stand or fall…but it is her responsibility, her choice. She is not you wife or girlfriend, she’s someone elses, and she chooses him over you.

You’ve give her your support and your guidance and wisdom in the past. So far she’s effectively ignored it in her actions and choices, but nevertheless it is there. You gave that. And you are giving your prayer, I’m sure very deep and urgent prayer.

I realise it’s very hurtful, and the more so because you’re emotionally invested in this girl, but you have no cause to blame yourself or belt yourself up. Take it for now that “tough love” is God’s tool through you at this time in His attempts to rescue this girl. After all you’ve been praying for her for some time.
 
You are morally required to avoid occasions of serious sin. If spending time with her is likely to lead you into mortal sin, or to do serious harm to your faith, then you would have to avoid seeing her.

Your first obligation is to your own salvation and holiness.
You are not the Savior of anyone; Christ is.
So you should not try to save her.
Just be a good disciple of Christ and offer whatever limited help you can offer,
without any moral or spiritual harm to yourself.
 
Your first job is to look into why you are here, in this mess.

Dude, you need to fix yourself, not someone else. I would dare say that a friend or a non professional can not be of any serious help. I am not saying a psychiatrist, but more like a talk psychologist.

If you are lucky, you may find one who specializes in relationship problems.

Good luck to you.
 
SE.
I understand you oh so well.
But you are doing the right thing.
BE STRONG, BE STRONG… persevere.
You are a good thing in her life, someone who stands for something better, something okay, something right.
Now you have taken that away from her and that is an immediate consequense of some really bad choices on her part.
She knows you are not punishing her. She knows she is the one who has made the situation.
She has to wake up to reality… that her actions have consequences, that good guys have not given up on her so there is still some of life left for her if SHE CHOOSES to turn around.
The best thing to do is therefore to stay away from her.
Id say… give yourself a dead line… let her feel the cold… like 3 weeks or a months.
You do her the big favour if you can stay strong for that period of time and stay away in silence. The strongest weapon is then prayer… especially if you can find others to pray with.

Seperation does not mean you give up on her.
I admire your love and dont think you are messed up just because you love a person who is broken.

:grouphug:

Grace
 
Thank you all for your kind and charitable responses. i don’t have many good, Christian people in my life, and this forum has been such a blessing. I have been reading it for years, but only started posting fairly recently.
I’m not too technologically gifted, so I don’t really know how to use the quote feature, but:
PapaSquash, you said: “…trust in God and let it go.”
Many time throughout the day, I find myself repeating, “Thy will be done, not MY will be done,” over and over. It’s something I need constant reminders of.
Thank you for reinforcing this for me.
Eucharisted: I discovered Saint Monica not too long ago. I actually began a Novena to her about three weeks ago (the breakup actually happened in the middle of it!) but I fell into mortal sin and gave up on it.
I have been mortal sin free since then (a long time for me!) And have begun the Novena anew.
I have also tried to start praying the rosary more.
I will read Deus Caritas Est when I get some time later tonight.
Our generation has been blessed with such gifted and knowledgeable leadership!
Trishie: You hit it on the head! I have been trying to convince myself of all of this for some time. Hearing it from others helps me put it into practice!
Ron Conte: Thank you for telling it like it is. I have ruined many relationships in the past because of my selfish, Godless ways. I now take caution when I have problems with relationships, because I fear it is once again my fault. I need to trust in the Lord that I am doing the right thing for others and for MYSELF! The line between right and wrong still gets blurred for me due to past experiences. Since I have removed myself from the situation, I have found it easier to avoid falling into sin.
YipYupYep: I find that it is easy to find the faults of others, but very difficult to find my own. I think the Bible may have some things to say about that! My plank is often very blinding:blush:
Thank you for your advice.
GraceDK: Good to hear from you again!
Thank you for responding to this. I may try to contact her sometime down the line. Don’t know either way. I certainly don’t want to say anything that will make matters worse, so for now, I will just pray and leave this girl in God’s hands.
St. Monica has also taught me a thing or two about patience.
Ironically, this girl’s father gave me a handmade walking stick for Christmas. All of his sticks have names. The girl named mine “patience” for me. I actually affixed a St. Monica medal to it!
I won’t read too much into that whole situation, but it certinly is ironic.
Thanks again everyone for helping me realize I need to trust in the Lord.
In Jesus’ Name, I thank you all!
Any other advice is more than welcomed! It feels so good to be able to talk about this…
 
she always tells me she needs me for spiritual guidance
Click to expand...
but she ignores every word you tell her.

is it a sin to remove oneself from the Human Garbage Can scenario?

first, let’s see how it works:

a person is in pain and in need, though of her own choosing and her own free will. the sin in her life is holding her hostage. she’s being abused by her life choices and by the people she’s chosen to sin with. (were she not having sex with this guy, do you think she’d be so addicted? allow so much abuse? sleep half the day away and drink the rest? she wouldn’t.)

person who is suffering, aka Sorrowful One, turns to another for consolation.

she dumps all her trauma, drama, pain, weeping, sorrow into that other person. kinda like taking out the trash. the ‘helper friend’ aka 'Human Garbage Can" takes it all in.

Sorrowful One enjoys all the heart-to-hearting, all the support, all the concern, then meanders off to make more sorrow.

Human Garbage Can is stuck with all the crud. Ruminating, staying up at night, becomming emotionally attached to Sorrowful One. He takes all her garbage, feels responsible as hell for it and eventually calls SO’s pain his own: "…I’ve been a wreck over it… She tells I need to learn to do that (put on a “happy face” in public)… I feel pain too… I feel like a weak monster who abandoned her in her time of need."

but HGC has free will too. He can:

*choose to play at HGC aka “Failed Superman” all the time. The pay-off? She thinks he looks cute in tights and a cape. he gets to hang out with SO on a regular basis,. He gets to feel superior to SO’s bad guy boyfriend because she tells him, “I wish he were more like you…”

*choose to lash out in anger. delete her number. burn with anger and a supposed love for her until she returns with her Sorrowful One abuse-- both stories of abuse and her personal abuse of HGC’s kindness.

*choose to regroup. He can realize SO was in his life for a reason (as Mother Theresa said, everyone is put in our lives for a reason-- ***for us to do something ***for them.) The reason is prayer. he can pray for her healing and conversion. He can redirect all his HGC energy into Prayer Warrior energy. He can not take it personally. SO didn’t intend to make a fool out of him. It’s just that she’s chosen to live in a vortex of seemingly unsolvable problems. HGC just got sucked in for a while.

when SO wants to know where went HGC, he can say, “I have to step out of your everyday life because I realize I became part of the problem, part of the cycle of abuse. by giving you a dumping place, you forgot to find a solution.”

SO will be mad and call you names. that’s OK. if she “got it” she wouldn’t be where she is right now.

btw. Prayer Warrior doesn’t wear a cape and he spends a lot of time on his knees.
 
Monicatholic: what a very, very humbling and eye-opening post.
I can only assume you’ve been in this exact situation before. It seems like you’ve been right alongside me for a while…
Deep down, I knew exactly what was happening. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. You have spelled it out well.
Thank you for helping open my eyes to the situation even more.
 
Southern Eagle,

before I got sober (24 years ago) I was Sorrowful One. good guys followed me about wanting to fix my life. I used them

some time after I got sober I was HGC. several times.

I think it’s fair to give people chances. It’s fair to assume that they really want help. but when they prove-- that’s PROVE differently, it’s time to let them have their own free will about it.

God does. He still loves. He still cares. he still nudges. He still waits and looks out like the father of the prodigal. but He doesn’t force his beloved children to stop.

we learn from Him. we love. we pray. but we DETACH. we pray some more. and know this: you look better without the cape.

be blessed Southern Eagle. pray for your friend. she’s ***every day choosing ***what’s probably a loooong road of sorrow.

God won’t stop her and you can’t.
 
Thank you for sharing these deeply personal thoughts with me, monicatholic.
You are truly an inspiration for me, and I’m sure, for others.
I only recently (within the last three or so years) started getting myself off a very destructive path, and I still have the line between right and wrong blurred because of it.
So right now, when all else fails, I just try (try being the operative word) to take matters out of my own hands and leave them in God’s.
Thanks again!
 
I’m another long-term sober alcoholic.

Don’t call her.

Chances are she calls you when she’s drunk and maudlin. (Like Monicatholic, I’ve been there done that.) She’ll probably call you again. When she does, say, “I don’t want to talk to you now. Call me again when you haven’t had a drink of anything alcoholic in two weeks - then we can talk.”

I’m not saying she’s an alcoholic; maybe she’s just keeping company with one. But she won’t be able to think straight if she drinks all the time.

If she is one, remember that neither you, nor anyone else, can get her sober. Only she and God cooperating can do that. Pray for her.

God bless you,

Ruthie
 
Ruthie-
Thank you for your advice. You as well serve as an inspiration to myself and others and serve as living proof that this disease can be overcome with the love of the Lord.
I can’t really judge whether or not this girl is an alcoholic. When she (used to) spend time with me, we always had a good time. occasionally we would have a few drinks, but usually, we just enjoyed each others company without the aid of alcohol.
What I do know is that when she is with her “boyfriend” (I use that term loosely because, through my renewed faith in God, my understanding of what a relationship is has changed dramatically) she can’t help but get drunk, which leads to depression and… so fourth.
I think there’s hope for her. Needing to change and wanting to change are two completely different things. I have been gradually coming to terms with that myself.
Like others on this thread have pointed out, she has an addiction.
I must continue to pray for her, for myself and for others.
Although I care for her deeply and worry constantly, I realize that there is nothing I can do to “physically” intercede. So I must intercede spiritually.
Thank you again Ruthie and everyone else kind enough to take a moment and lend some advice.
This forum is truly a blessing.
 
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