A "older" husband's fear of having more children

[iamrefreshed]

Men–please don’t be timid to post here. We won’t judge anything you have to say–I really am interested in the potential thinking of men, too, related to this matter. Thank you!!!

OK. I’ll give it a rip.

I’m 44, wife is 42. I got my wife to agree to stop using ABC around 2-2 1/2 years ago. We do not use NFP.

I’m scared at the thought of a baby but I decided that when I was going to turn my life over to God that it had to be completely or it would never happen. Now, I don’t mean that I don’t sin!! I mean that there are a few things that I felt I had to do to be honest with God and myself. Birth control was one and fortunately for me my wife was OK with it.

It’s not easy coping with the thought of raising a family all over again. My kids are 14 & 16. I am hoping to move on to the college, marriage and grandkids stage next. But if God, in His Infinite Wisdom, says it’s a baby for you two, then so be it.

 

[Shiann]

OK. I’ll give it a rip.

I’m 44, wife is 42. I got my wife to agree to stop using ABC around 2-2 1/2 years ago. We do not use NFP.

I’m scared at the thought of a baby but I decided that when I was going to turn my life over to God that it had to be completely or it would never happen. Now, I don’t mean that I don’t sin!! I mean that there are a few things that I felt I had to do to be honest with God and myself. Birth control was one and fortunately for me my wife was OK with it.

It’s not easy coping with the thought of raising a family all over again. My kids are 14 & 16. I am hoping to move on to the college, marriage and grandkids stage next. But if God, in His Infinite Wisdom, says it’s a baby for you two, then so be it.

GOD BLESS YOU BOTH!

:extrahappy:

 

[Shiann]

God bless your family…and your perseverance! I personally like your last paragraph…yes, if I get anxious, he does. But, sometimes, visa versa…he keeps pointing out the potential negatives…and then I start seeing them. My dh is pretty young at heart…but, it could be what you are saying…‘starting over’…but it could also be viewed as a rebirth.:heaven: He flip flops…perhaps, this is normal?

Thank you! And may God bless yours as well!

I think this is very normal. I even find myself wondering about chasing a baby or two or four around… I’m 33 and could still carry several babies. I was just starting to enjoy the life of a mama with a ‘grown’ baby… Granted she’s just 11 now, but she’s self sufficient, and we have a very different relationship than when she was 5 .

I just try to remember to have those thoughts when I’m not with DH… He senses my and follows suit. It’s much like you describe feeding off one another’s emotions. You know what you are doing is RIGHT, and what God wishes for all families. The trepidation is normal, but most right and good things are hard to do, and to wrap our mind around sometimes.

Hang in there! Stay strong!

 

[mom2boyz]

I think it is important to understand the likelihood of becoming pregnant. As we age, despite the fact that we are still mentruating, our likelihood of becoming pregnant greatly decreases. Even fertile young people only have a 25% chance of becoming pregnant in any one cycle where they are trying to achieve pregnancy. That means they have a 75% chance of not conceiving. I think if more people understood how hard it really is to get pregnant they would worry a lot less. By the age of 35 a woman’s fertility has dropped and continues to drop drastically until menopause. It isn’t the same as it was in the teens or 20’s. That is why it seems so easy for teens to get pregnant. So at 39 could you become pregnant? Sure there is always that possibility. But what is the probability? A lot less than when you were younger.

 

[HouseArrest]

This is not our story, but my cousin’s…

They had two children right away after being married. Then they decided they would try for a third and no dice. They spent ten years on Chlomid, but didn’t go any further with it than that. They finally were at peace with their family and of course, then, had another baby. The father was about 45. THEN, again, when he was turning 50, they had yet another baby. Right after that he lost his job. It took a good year for him to find another.

Who knows how it will turn out in 20 years when the baby is in his 20’s and the father is in his 70’s, but who knows how anything will turn out? I know you have to be responsible and try and make good decisions, but it looks like in your case you HAVE made a good decision.

 

[whatevergirl]

OH NO…I just realized that I should have put ‘an’ in front of ‘older’ in my thread title, instead of ‘a.’

Ugh!!!

Oh well.

 

[whatevergirl]

This is not our story, but my cousin’s…

They had two children right away after being married. Then they decided they would try for a third and no dice. They spent ten years on Chlomid, but didn’t go any further with it than that. They finally were at peace with their family and of course, then, had another baby. The father was about 45. THEN, again, when he was turning 50, they had yet another baby. Right after that he lost his job. It took a good year for him to find another.

Who knows how it will turn out in 20 years when the baby is in his 20’s and the father is in his 70’s, but who knows how anything will turn out? I know you have to be responsible and try and make good decisions, but it looks like in your case you HAVE made a good decision.

Thst is a pretty comforting story, actually. For me, I have grown in my prayer life to the point of not really concerning myself with the consequences of following God’s will. If it is God’s will…then, He will work out the details.Thank you so much for posting this.

“Seek ye the kingdom of God…and all these things shall be added unto you…”

 

[whatevergirl]

I think it is important to understand the likelihood of becoming pregnant. As we age, despite the fact that we are still mentruating, our likelihood of becoming pregnant greatly decreases. Even fertile young people only have a 25% chance of becoming pregnant in any one cycle where they are trying to achieve pregnancy. That means they have a 75% chance of not conceiving. I think if more people understood how hard it really is to get pregnant they would worry a lot less. By the age of 35 a woman’s fertility has dropped and continues to drop drastically until menopause. It isn’t the same as it was in the teens or 20’s. That is why it seems so easy for teens to get pregnant. So at 39 could you become pregnant? Sure there is always that possibility. But what is the probability? A lot less than when you were younger.

I wondered this, mom2boyz. I told my husband last night, I can’t be fertile 24/7, 30 days each month. He said, oh you can’t? LOL–We need to sign up for NFP classes. He told me last night, he wants to come with me to all of the classes, and/or to every doc appt and to find one who specifically teaches this, so he can understand it better. We did this before in our marriage (NFP) but something went awry…I think we just threw caution to the wind, and my son was conceived. I really don’t recall us being meticulous with the process back then,because we were seeking to get pregnant…

 

[shannyk]

I had a close friend in HS who was the youngest of 6 and his dad turned 70 when he was a junior; so about 16-17. They had a great and close relationship. Maybe hubby needs to think about what a child really needs out of a relationship with a father. He doesn’t have to jump through hoops and do acrobatics or be a quarterback to be a good father. He’s got a career, home, income, and it doesn’t sound like you guys are on a financial precipice, so the reality is you are far better off than the majority of people in the world. Fears bring up real and strong emotions especially in men, but they have to be faced and dealt with rationally. He probably had some fears when you had your other children, and he may not even remember them now. When you follow God’s will amazing things can and DO happen.

Best of luck to you and hubby and congrats on your ‘awakening’

He said that much of these ‘laws’ came only in the past 50 years. Is that true? Not the marital embrace part, right? Maybe he is referring to artificial birth control?

Humanae Vitae came about in 1968 as the Church’s response to the pill and ABC in general. That document is based on 2000 years of dogmatic belief on the nature of the human person. It’s not anything ‘new’. As society changes, the ‘rules’ come to meet those changes. And, as our knowledge of ourselves anatomically and biologically changes, the Church’s teaching come to meet the new knowledge with spiritual guidance that is always consistent with what it taught before. So, no, the laws are not new, they are a continuation of what has always been believed and taught by the Church.

 

[whatevergirl]

I had a close friend in HS who was the youngest of 6 and his dad turned 70 when he was a junior; so about 16-17. They had a great and close relationship. Maybe hubby needs to think about what a child really needs out of a relationship with a father. He doesn’t have to jump through hoops and do acrobatics or be a quarterback to be a good father. He’s got a career, home, income, and it doesn’t sound like you guys are on a financial precipice, so the reality is you are far better off than the majority of people in the world. Fears bring up real and strong emotions especially in men, but they have to be faced and dealt with rationally. He probably had some fears when you had your other children, and he may not even remember them now. When you follow God’s will amazing things can and DO happen.

Best of luck to you and hubby and congrats on your ‘awakening’

Humanae Vitae came about in 1968 as the Church’s response to the pill and ABC in general. That document is based on 2000 years of dogmatic belief on the nature of the human person. It’s not anything ‘new’. As society changes, the ‘rules’ come to meet those changes. And, as our knowledge of ourselves anatomically and biologically changes, the Church’s teaching come to meet the new knowledge with spiritual guidance that is always consistent with what it taught before. So, no, the laws are not new, they are a continuation of what has always been believed and taught by the Church.

Thank you for your post, shanny…I am very appreciative of your thoughts. It could be considered sad, that as cradle Catholics, my husband and I were not taught certain things…or we don’t remember them…or we never sought out the knowledge ourselves. I think that the RCC could do a bit of a better job, educating us cradle adults, who might need some refreshment of Cathollic teachings. I think there are so many misconceptions, especially amongst Catholics. Converts seem to teach me a thing or two…and it’s not all about rules and obligations, certainly not. But, those rules are God’s love for us…I need to know them! I want to know them. What a neat story about the 70 yr old dad, who had a high schooler…wow!!! What a testimony!

Thankfully, CAF exists! I have learned so much about my faith…and how to live my life in best accord with God’s plan…really awesome! I should be a donor to this site…it has changed my life in many ways.

 

[shannyk]

It could be considered sad, that as cradle Catholics, my husband and I were not taught certain things…or we don’t remember them…or we never sought out the knowledge ourselves. I think that the RCC could do a bit of a better job, educating us cradle adults, who might need some refreshment of Cathollic teachings. I think there are so many misconceptions, especially amongst Catholics. Converts seem to teach me a thing or two…and it’s not all about rules and obligations, certainly not. But, those rules are God’s love for us…I need to know them! I want to know them.

I agree with you wholeheartedly. I was once one of those people who was poorly Catechized even though I went to Catholic schools all my life, and I bought into much of the BS that society threw at me. Thankfully, it didn’t take me too long to turn around, but there is always more to learn and be willing to accept. And that is just what it is. A willingness, humility, to say, you know what, I’m pretty darn stupid. I make stupid decisions, and still I think I know everything. I’m really not as open minded as I think. I want to know the truth, GOD’s truth. And I think as soon as you can honestly say that, you are going to be filled with graces.

And isn’t that what this season of Advent and Christmas is all about? A willingness to be humble and accept the gifts God so lovingly wants us to have, even though we in our pride filled ignorance, sometimes think we don’t need Him.

Whatevergirl, you are on the right track for sure. And, don’t beat yourself up about the past. As Oprah has said (not that I like Oprah at all…) “When you know better you do better.”

Keep up the good work!

 

[BlestOne]

God bless you, how helpful your post has been. Do you work, Blest?

All the time…about 50-70 hours a week…wish I was hourly not salaried!

 

[whatevergirl]

All the time…about 50-70 hours a week…wish I was hourly not salaried!

You know, there are some women here who work those hours…and you feel like it’s almost illegal to pay someone a set pay for ‘x’ hours, but they are always working overtime, with no extra pay.

Sorry about that!!!