A parent question

[louie12]

my daughter is 21 years old she living at home and i pay for her education, car payment and every thing els.she started seeing somebody who thing he is very nice,but my self and my wife, do not approve of this boy,we know the family the dad was killed few years ago, we don’t know for sure, but there were roomers of some illegal activities,his mom was turning to non denominational plus he does not have education which in the future he might not be able to support her.the question is what is the more loving thing to do? is it to say that if you continue to go out with him i will not pay for you education or let her give him a chance as she wants to do,because she likes him and she saying that he changed to the better,and other people said he did change(when he was young he was not the best boy).

 

[Kithrus]

my daughter is 21 years old she living at home and i pay for her education, car payment and every thing els.she started seeing somebody who thing he is very nice,but my self and my wife, do not approve of this boy,we know the family the dad was killed few years ago, we don’t know for sure, but there were roomers of some illegal activities,his mom was turning to non denominational plus he does not have education which in the future he might not be able to support her.the question is what is the more loving thing to do? is it to say that if you continue to go out with him i will not pay for you education or let her give him a chance as she wants to do,because she likes him and she saying that he changed to the better,and other people said he did change(when he was young he was not the best boy).

So if the government doesn’t like your religion any social services your entitled to should be cutt off?

She’s an adult, she’s not bringing sin into your home you have 0 right to blackmail her.

 

[Kit15]

At the very least she is living at home. If he mistreats her you can be the voice of reason so she can think about her current situation. But if this boy is not leading her to sin and his only crimes are being related to people you don’t like (however you admit you don’t know the whole story anyway) and having a low paying job, which isn’t the same thing as being lazy. Some people work their pants off for “barely enough”. Not having a lot of quality time is something to consider but having a lower paying job in of itself is not a character flaw nor a sin.

It’s your money and you can do what you want with it. But you may be doing more harn than good in the long run. If you have a good relationship with your daughter you should be using that and keep the communication lines open. Not punch a gaping hole in it because you threw the baby out with the bathwater.

I do agree that this strikes me as a form of blackmail when I’m not sure if there is anything actually WRONG with guy. A move like that should really be used if your child is in serious danger and needs to get out of the environment she is in. Not because she is interested in a boy who isn’t up to your standard. But I say this as an observer of my mom’s reactions. I married the one and only guy I dated but my sisters have had to put up with some real skunks before finding their husbands. But their schooling was never brought into it when they made their dating mistakes. In fact my mom was just grateful that those mistakes where made while the child was living at home. That way she could influence us at close range via the relationship we have. And yeah…in due time the skunks were seen for what they were and the relationship broke off.

Who knows? She may lose interest. You may learn to like him.

 

[aeroengr]

My In-laws just went through a similar situation with their youngest daughter so here’s my advice. As long as he’s not hurting her in any way, I think you should remain supportive. I think it’s fine to voice your opinion of him to her, but be specific so she knows why you have concerns. Try to make her understand that your concerns are based on the fact that you love her and want what’s best for her. The last thing you want to do drive a wedge between the two of you. My In-laws actually did something similar to what you’re describing and all it did was push their daughter away. I think she needs to know that you trust her to make a good decision.

Good Luck.

 

[louie12]

thanks for your advice

 

[TheRealJuliane]

my daughter is 21 years old she living at home and i pay for her education, car payment and every thing els.she started seeing somebody who thing he is very nice,but my self and my wife, do not approve of this boy,we know the family the dad was killed few years ago, we don’t know for sure, but there were roomers of some illegal activities,his mom was turning to non denominational plus he does not have education which in the future he might not be able to support her.the question is what is the more loving thing to do? is it to say that if you continue to go out with him i will not pay for you education or let her give him a chance as she wants to do,because she likes him and she saying that he changed to the better,and other people said he did change(when he was young he was not the best boy).

Is he a baptized Catholic who is devout? Does he support himself or count on help from family or the government? Does he have an addictions to substances such as alcohol or drugs? How does he get along with his family? Are there other addictions in the family? How does he treat your daughter? Is he chaste? Does he have other qualities that would make him a good husband and father? These are all questions that your daughter needs to consider as she dates him for the purpose of discerning marriage.

Family problems are not always a deciding factor but they can have a great detrimental effect on a marriage. Addictions are a huge problem. A devotion to our faith is a critical aspect of discerning a spouse.

These are all factors that you should have discussed with her as she was growing up. As her father, you have hopefully modeled for her what a Catholic husband and father should be. If you have been a great example then she will not be drawn to someone who has lots of problems. This young man may have overcome challenges, or he may not have.

Do not turn them into Romeo and Juliet by forbidding their relationship. She is an adult by most measures although still being supported by you. If you threaten to remove that support because of mere rumours about the family, you will hurt your relationship with her.

I suggest you invite him to dinner and to do things with the family, the more, the better. His character will be revealed in this way without you lecturing or preaching. Be supportive but remind her to take things slowly and with prayer.

If he is not Catholic, my advice is different somewhat, but I’m going to assume that he is for now.

 

[marymary1975]

My In-laws just went through a similar situation with their youngest daughter so here’s my advice. As long as he’s not hurting her in any way, I think you should remain supportive. I think it’s fine to voice your opinion of him to hi agreeer, but be specific so she knows why you have concerns. Try to make her understand that your concerns are based on the fact that you love her and want what’s best for her. The last thing you want to do drive a wedge between the two of you. My In-laws actually did something similar to what you’re describing and all it did was push their daughter away. I think she needs to know that you trust her to make a good decision.

Good Luck.

I agree with this! You need to talk to your daughter and explain to her your concern and the reason of tour concern, and explain it very well. She is over 21 so something like don’t date him because I don’t like him is going to push him away. You need to talk to her viewing her as an adult with her own reasoning. Ask her how she plans to address the situation, if he doesn’t have an education have you two discusses how he is going to support you, what are your thought on that. It would he good too of you ask her opinion and how she thinks your concerns should be solved. Ask her questions about things she might not thought about it. That would Force her to think and would show her you care about her opinion. Talk is the way to go here.

 

[louie12]

thank you

 

[runningdude]

So if the government doesn’t like your religion any social services your entitled to should be cutt off?

She’s an adult, she’s not bringing sin into your home you have 0 right to blackmail her.

Uncalled for.

 

[Kithrus]

Uncalled for.

No whats uncalled for is parents thinking that by dent of divine right of God they can do as they wish and even if they admit they are wrong they were ‘doing their best’.

Ask yourself how many parents do you think are in hell because they resorted to the very tactics we accuse our governments of? Blackmail, extortion, invasion of privacy. Grant you when a child is young that’s one thing but we are talking about someone who is long past the age of reason.

On that note add to that the amount of parents who honestly use rather brutal punishment on their children. Striking with objects, striking tender areas and expecting a child to continue on the task they refused to do (perfect example: study after hitting the hands hard enough to make pencil dexterity unlikely for a good hour.) Taking property the child owns purchased with their own money or otherwise and destroying it.

Now we have an adult (stress the adult part here) who is under threat of being tossed out because her father doesn’t like it? I’m sorry I get its your own home and all but this smacks a bit Orwellian to me. I could understand if they were sneaking around at night doing drugs and getting into trouble.

tell your mirror its uncalled for then talk to me.