A pep talk for single guys

[Estevao]

1. Which one?
2. In what way was the advice faulty?

Actually Matt Walsh appears not to be a democrat voter. I take that back.

As for his advice, the whole “man up” thing has been preached for years now, yet men keep preferring video games and internet porn or cheap sex. Maybe something else is the reason, like the anti-male education system and “momism” as another poster said.

Look, his advice will work for finding those women whose biological clocks are ticking and have wised up on the dating scene. I encourage following it.

 

[Xantippe]

Actually Matt Walsh appears not to be a democrat voter. I take that back.

As for his advice, the whole “man up” thing has been preached for years now, yet men keep preferring video games and internet porn or cheap sex. Maybe something else is the reason, like the anti-male education system and “momism” as another poster said.

Look, his advice will work for finding those women whose biological clocks are ticking and have wised up on the dating scene. I encourage following it.

Alright then.

Here’s my theory–everything is so easy and highly-stimulating today (one click Amazon, 80 Netflix episodes of your favorite show, Facebook, video games, endless porn, practically infinite internet distraction, etc.) that in-real-life interpersonal relationships relatively hard and unrewarding that people don’t bother with them. And then they wonder why they’re lonely and miserable…

 

[pianistclare]

Alright then.

Here’s my theory–everything is so easy and highly-stimulating today (one click Amazon, 80 Netflix episodes of your favorite show, Facebook, video games, endless porn, practically infinite internet distraction, etc.) that in-real-life interpersonal relationships relatively hard and unrewarding that people don’t bother with them. And then they wonder why they’re lonely and miserable…

Bingo.
Instant gratification. It’s a bad thing.

 

[Estevao]

Alright then.

Here’s my theory–everything is so easy and highly-stimulating today (one click Amazon, 80 Netflix episodes of your favorite show, Facebook, video games, endless porn, practically infinite internet distraction, etc.) that in-real-life interpersonal relationships relatively hard and unrewarding that people don’t bother with them. And then they wonder why they’re lonely and miserable…

Hmm. When I go around I notice the propensity of women to look at their iphones probably for hours a day, but said women are probably leading very good social lives (or at least they try to look like they do). Men on the other hand have not all acquired an ipod-hand transplant as the women have, and are just checking out, preferring doing their own thing and eschewing marriage. So all this distraction seems to either affect women differently than men (because as I can tell from the Matt Walsh article, men are mostly to blame for the lack of commitment for not manning up), or something else is causing men to check out.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Unfortunately that stuff doesn’t work for a very unattractive man. Nothing does.

Oh please. Look around: fat men, ugly men, socially awkward men, etc get married all the time!

Confidence and a willingness to laugh and relax is sexy. Pity parties about physical appearance are not.

 

[Xantippe]

Hmm. When I go around I notice the propensity of women to look at their iphones probably for hours a day, but said women are probably leading very good social lives (or at least they try to look like they do). Men on the other hand have not all acquired an ipod-hand transplant as the women have, and are just checking out, preferring doing their own thing and eschewing marriage. So all this distraction seems to either affect women differently than men (because as I can tell from the Matt Walsh article, men are mostly to blame for the lack of commitment for not manning up), or something else is causing men to check out.

1. I don’t notice any huge gender division with regard to phones (and I live near a very large college campus). Among the student body, everybody is on their phone, even while doing stuff like biking down the street. In my own middle aged peer group (40+), I think it’s actually more of a guy thing–or at least it’s more intensely a guy thing. My husband is definitely attached to his phone (does work emails at all hours–there’s always something or someone blowing up that needs attention) and he has a colleague who, I think, would totally go for a surgical iphone implant. In today’s white collar world, the smartphone is like a big umbilical cord tethering you to work.
2. The social science suggests that if anything, social media has a negative effect on one’s personal life. If you google “Facebook envy,” “Facebook depression,” “Facebook sadness,” “Instagram envy,” etc. you’ll find that paradoxically, the more connected one is, the more alienated one is, because one is so often in the position of pressing one’s nose against the window of other people’s (apparent!) happiness–hearing about purchases, vacations, meals, parties or relationships that one is unable to enjoy.
3. I’m addressing the single guys who want to find somebody. If they don’t want to find anybody, that’s totally fine, but if they do want to find somebody, then Matt Walsh’s advice is excellent. Some of us older married CAF folk have really had it up to here with single posters who complain of loneliness, repeatedly ask for advice, and then find a million reasons not to do anything differently than they are doing now. It’s really annoying.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

That was more of a rant than an article. Walsh’s tone is condescending and mean-spirited and his style is disjointed.

 

[bsf]

…Some of us older married CAF folk have really had it up to here with single posters who complain of loneliness, repeatedly ask for advice, and then find a million reasons not to do anything differently than they are doing now. It’s really annoying.

Eric Berne described this type of interaction in considerable detail in Games People Play. He labeled this game Why Don’t You-Yes But. I would say it is not healthy behavior for individuals on either side of the game. If you are the target of an individual’s attempt (stimulus) to begin playing this game, the best response IMO is simply not to play. That does not mean you do not respond politely or compassionately, but refuse to provide any potential solutions to a problem once it becomes clear that a game is being played.

 

[ExCatholicGuy]

Oh please. Look around: fat men, ugly men, socially awkward men, etc get married all the time!

Confidence and a willingness to laugh and relax is sexy. Pity parties about physical appearance are not.

Not sure where you get the “pity parties” thing.

In reading these discussions over the years I’ve noticed a tendency for posters to really pile on to anyone who asserts that poor physical appearance can be a bar to dating relationships, often blaming them in a smug, condescending “man-up” tone for some presumed deficiency in technique, personality, attitude, etc. without taking the time to learn anything of the individual’s situation.

In my case, I’m 57 years old and have been hearing - and following - versions of the same old advice literally for decades. You’re not talking to some awkward high-school kid.

 

[Xantippe]

Not sure where you get the “pity parties” thing.

In reading these discussions over the years I’ve noticed a tendency for posters to really pile on to anyone who asserts that poor physical appearance can be a bar to dating relationships, often blaming them in a smug, condescending “man-up” tone for some presumed deficiency in technique, personality, attitude, etc. without taking the time to learn anything of the individual’s situation.

In my case, I’m 57 years old and have been hearing - and following - versions of the same old advice literally for decades. You’re not talking to some awkward high-school kid.

Ah, age makes a difference.

Nonetheless, you’re right in the age group where the ratio of men to women is starting to plunge.

nationalatlas.gov/articles/people/a_gender.html

“Up to age 24, the male-female ratios were about 105, reflecting the fact that more boys than girls are born every year and that boys continue to outnumber girls through early childhood and young adulthood. The male-female ratio dropped gradually in the working age groups, from 105.1 in the age group 15 to 24 years to 92.2 for the age group 55 to 64 (see Figure 3).3 Among older adults, the male-female ratio fell rapidly, as women increasingly outnumbered men at older ages and by the age group 85 and over, the male-female ratio was 40.7.”

Your odds are actually getting better and better by the minute.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Not sure where you get the “pity parties” thing.

In reading these discussions over the years I’ve noticed a tendency for posters to really pile on to anyone who asserts that poor physical appearance can be a bar to dating relationships, often blaming them in a smug, condescending “man-up” tone for some presumed deficiency in technique, personality, attitude, etc. without taking the time to learn anything of the individual’s situation.

In my case, I’m 57 years old and have been hearing - and following - versions of the same old advice literally for decades. You’re not talking to some awkward high-school kid.

I was going to give you a pep talk but you seem well past that point. There appears nothing more for you to do at this point but sit back and wait for the steely grip of death. But cheer up, your impending doom can’t be too far away. In all seriousness though, I’m just reading you and I’m feeling depressed.

 

[chrisdeep]

Women are actually quite forgiving about looks.

I hope for my sake that this is true.

Thank you Xantippe for starting this thread. Any glimmer of hope such as this is very important to us Catholic singles out there.

 

[Xantippe]

I hope for my sake that this is true.

Thank you Xantippe for starting this thread. Any glimmer of hope such as this is very important to us Catholic singles out there.

Awww.

Good luck!

 

[pianistclare]

Awww.

Good luck!

Ditto.

 

[pianistclare]

As some of the dating gurus mention, head over to WalMart and people watch. If you spend an hour in WalMart near the check stand, you’ll see dozens of fat, homely men and their fat homely wives and girlfriends, deeply in love and having a blast together.

Also, think about all the famous men who are undoubtedly popular with women but who are objectively funny looking: Mick Jagger, Steve Tyler, Woody Allen, Benedict Cumberbatch, Kissinger, etc.

Women are actually quite forgiving about looks.

Your inbox is full! trying to send message…

 

[MarcoPolo]

I was just reading the following piece by Matt Walsh:

themattwalshblog.com/2014/06/19/dear-single-men-time-man-figure/

“If you’re hanging out with a woman and you feel like you might be into her, tell her. Call her on the phone. Take her out on a date. Say the words: “I’d like to take you out.” No ambiguity. Plan the date yourself. Women want you to be decisive. Lose the whole “so waddaya wanna do tonight?” schtick. Take charge. Pick her up at 7. Pay for the meal. Have a conversation with her. Go mini golfing or something. Go somewhere. Open the door for her. Put your phone away. Open up to her. Share your ideas, your dreams, your fears. Get to know her. Pursue her. Pursue her. Invest yourself in the process, as scary and unsure as it may seem. Take a risk, gentlemen. Go out on a limb for once. Be purposeful. Be desirable. Be a man.”

This is good advice, but it should not be seen as some sort of silver bullet. Plenty of good guys are doing the asking, suggesting the kind of date, etc… and some girls still find reasons to say no.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I often hear “Why do nice guys finish last?” Ask yourself: “Did you even leave the gate?”

The whole “nice guys” nonsense is a ridiculous myth. All it does is reinforce pity-parities for guys who get turned on dates because supposedly women only like men who push them around and beat them.

No woman in her right mind would a guy who does nothing but feel sorry himself because he doesn’t succeed right away (some guys will even go so far as to threaten suicide to get a girl’s attention) or because he sits at home waiting because his grandma and favorite say “there’s someone out there for you/any girl would be lucky to be with you”.

In the “nice guy” fantasy world, there are only two kinds of men: The “nice guy” who is supposedly this perfect guy (even if he has zilch experience) and the loud-mouth jerk who physically abuses women. :nope:

 

[SuperLuigi]

This is good advice, but it should not be seen as some sort of silver bullet. Plenty of good guys are doing the asking, suggesting the kind of date, etc… and some girls still find reasons to say no.

Well, don’t make it sound like it’s the woman’s fault.

Listen, a woman really is not going to go out with a man (certainly long-term) that she is not attracted to.

So many guys miss this it’s insane.

A guy just cannot ask a girl out of the blue, even if he knows her. HE needs to ELEVATE himself in her eyes by communicating with her ROMANTICALLY.

If he does not do this, the woman’s automatic response will often be NO even if she might consider being interested.

This is where our stereotypical “nice guy” gets all awkward and it’s an avalanche from there.

And I suspect the compensation for that is “well, she only wants jerks”.

Asking someone out does not entitle a person to a date.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I hope for my sake that this is true.

Thank you Xantippe for starting this thread. Any glimmer of hope such as this is very important to us Catholic singles out there.

One thing they won’t be forgiving about is self-pity. So you can be humble, but if you’re going to insult yourself, you’ll drive her away in no time.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Oh please. Look around: fat men, ugly men, socially awkward men, etc get married all the time!

Confidence and a willingness to laugh and relax is sexy. Pity parties about physical appearance are not.

:clapping: