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Xantippe
Guest
Maybe you’d attract better women if you were a little more “legalistic.”
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Xantippe
Guest
Also, come to think of it, the term “quality women” is cringe-worthy.
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pensmama87
Guest
One thing I keep thinking as I look over this thread is, “We are living in a SOCIETY!”
There have been and always will be generally accepted rules on how to socialize, whether that’s for friendship, finding a spouse, finding employment, getting along with your neighbors. There’s actually a remarkable amount of overlap between success in all of them. The rules aren’t there to be restrictive or mean, just so that we can have a generally accepted standard of “this is how you show other people that you want them to have a good time and would like to know them better.”
It seems today we just expect to throw a bunch of our kids together (in same-age classrooms) and somehow magically expect them to figure out all of the social rules. But etiquette used to be explicitly taught and practiced. That’s what things like dances were for. I don’t know how to bring that back on a large scale, but I definitely know a few lessons my boys are getting.
There have been and always will be generally accepted rules on how to socialize, whether that’s for friendship, finding a spouse, finding employment, getting along with your neighbors. There’s actually a remarkable amount of overlap between success in all of them. The rules aren’t there to be restrictive or mean, just so that we can have a generally accepted standard of “this is how you show other people that you want them to have a good time and would like to know them better.”
It seems today we just expect to throw a bunch of our kids together (in same-age classrooms) and somehow magically expect them to figure out all of the social rules. But etiquette used to be explicitly taught and practiced. That’s what things like dances were for. I don’t know how to bring that back on a large scale, but I definitely know a few lessons my boys are getting.
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Xantippe
Guest
Yes, indeed!
Even back in the 1950s, there are all sorts of PSAs from youtube that you can watch where they explicitly instruct the teenage boy and girl how to have a successful date. Some of them are actually really good. You have to tweak them here and there for modern use, but the general principles are timeless.
It’s a really weird idea that we can all make things up as we go along and have a good life. It’s as if all of us were making up traffic regulations for ourselves, rather than obeying the customary ones–a total and predictable mess.
Having Aspergers (ASD) I’ve pretty much resigned myself to being single. Which is unfortunate because I don’t like being alone. However, my brain just doesn’t work in a matter that enables relationship development. I work in IT and have for several years, with different companies. It’s a male dominated career. Meeting women through work isn’t something I can count on happening. My social circle (if you want to call it that) is all guys. For me to make acquaintances, I have to be able to get to know someone over a period of time by observation. Watching what they do, listening to what they talk about to determine if that’s someone I’d want to get to know more. Without having any women around for repeated events, I’ll never have that opportunity.
While I don’t act like Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory, I can definitely see where he’s coming from. For me, conversation/talking is first and foremost about the information. I know I come across as being shy, but I don’t consider myself shy. If I go to a party/gathering I’m the tall guy standing/sitting off to the side. It’s not because I’m afraid to talk to people or shy, it’s just that everyone or most people are strangers and I don’t know what they like to talk about it. I hate making small talk. If, for some reason, I go to hell when I die, I know I’ll be forced to make small talk for eternity. It just seems so useless/pointless/boring. Everything that’s said in the context of small talk is generally meaningless and useless information. I remember I was at a wedding reception for a friend a few years ago and another friend was encouraging me to talk to this woman I mentioned was attractive. I objected because I didn’t know anything about her and wouldn’t know what to talk about with her. He suggested I ask her about her job. This was before I knew I had Aspergers and to this day, I can remember thinking, “Why would I want to know about her job? In what way could that information be useful?” If there’s something contextually interesting or relevant going on, I can talk about that all day, but when you’re meeting a stranger for the first time, that’s usually not the case. If it’s someone I care about, I can pretty much talk about anything because I care about their interests, but for a complete stranger, I can’t do that.
I also don’t recognize flirting. I remember a couple friends and I were at a bar one time. (This was also before I knew about Aspergers). My friends were at our table and I went up to the counter to get a drink, while I was in line, a woman came up to me and asked how tall I am (6’6" btw), I told her and she made some kind of joke about it and I responded with something and she left. I got my drink and went back to our table and my friends asked if I got her number. I said no and they were completely shocked. They said she was totally flirting with me, but as far as I could tell, she just wanted to know how tall I am.
For me I think I would do well in a relationship once I got passed the meeting part of it. Miracles do happen so it’s not a completely hopeless scenario, but it does seem like it’s completely out of my control.
While I don’t act like Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory, I can definitely see where he’s coming from. For me, conversation/talking is first and foremost about the information. I know I come across as being shy, but I don’t consider myself shy. If I go to a party/gathering I’m the tall guy standing/sitting off to the side. It’s not because I’m afraid to talk to people or shy, it’s just that everyone or most people are strangers and I don’t know what they like to talk about it. I hate making small talk. If, for some reason, I go to hell when I die, I know I’ll be forced to make small talk for eternity. It just seems so useless/pointless/boring. Everything that’s said in the context of small talk is generally meaningless and useless information. I remember I was at a wedding reception for a friend a few years ago and another friend was encouraging me to talk to this woman I mentioned was attractive. I objected because I didn’t know anything about her and wouldn’t know what to talk about with her. He suggested I ask her about her job. This was before I knew I had Aspergers and to this day, I can remember thinking, “Why would I want to know about her job? In what way could that information be useful?” If there’s something contextually interesting or relevant going on, I can talk about that all day, but when you’re meeting a stranger for the first time, that’s usually not the case. If it’s someone I care about, I can pretty much talk about anything because I care about their interests, but for a complete stranger, I can’t do that.
I also don’t recognize flirting. I remember a couple friends and I were at a bar one time. (This was also before I knew about Aspergers). My friends were at our table and I went up to the counter to get a drink, while I was in line, a woman came up to me and asked how tall I am (6’6" btw), I told her and she made some kind of joke about it and I responded with something and she left. I got my drink and went back to our table and my friends asked if I got her number. I said no and they were completely shocked. They said she was totally flirting with me, but as far as I could tell, she just wanted to know how tall I am.
For me I think I would do well in a relationship once I got passed the meeting part of it. Miracles do happen so it’s not a completely hopeless scenario, but it does seem like it’s completely out of my control.
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Luvz2travel
Guest
I’ve never viewed a kind guy as weak at all. Though I like a guy that can hold his own as I’m independent in my personality. I’m upfront about this always but guys think I must assume from past relationships that I’m easy to manipulate or weak because I’m very easy going. Several have tried to get abusive physically which I put a stop to immediately. I won’t tolerate disrespect or being mistreated by anyone as far as I can help it. I believe you allow people to treat you the way they do and you also teach others how to treat you. I think my easy going nature makes some guys feel that I’m ripe for controlling far from that. My last serious relationship was with a controller who started out to be ok then steady wanted to pressure me and control where I would even shop. I let it go on a little longer then I should have because he was friends with my sister and she would talk me out of breaking up with him. He appeared very nice to others but was sometimes very rude and jerky to me as well as controlling everytime I got to where I could feel something for him this behavior came out again. We ran into his ex on New Years eve and he totally humiliated me that was the last straw for me the last time I will every allow anyone to come close to treating me bad again. Don’t need it. Sadly I’ve never met a kind guy that was interested in me so I guess I’ll be single but better to be single then in a bad relationship. No relationship is worth being treated badly or abused. Been there done that never again.
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chevalier
Guest
Cooking?
Fine! I’ll encourage single women to work on their Starcraft skills, in retaliation! 
Of course. Chicks totally dig a legal mind. I would know about that. Oh, wait…
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Zzyzx_Road
Guest
How should a man distinguish in conversation between women he’d consider marrying versus those he wouldn’t if “quality” isn’t the adjective of choice?
If he can’t hold his own, you will not respect him, if you won’t respect him, you’ll lose attraction for him. So he has to hold his own and he has to treat you well at the same time. That can be a fine line at times …
Nothing wrong with learning to cook. I strongly encourage single men to learn at least a few dishes. Nice skill to have and not that hard to get started, lots of simpler recipes to keep you busy. Excellent topic of conversation with my mother and my siblings. Used to love those cooking shows when I had cable. Keeps from getting boring in my own kitchen. Plus I have knockout dishes I can bring to potluck parties.Cooking?
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Xantippe
Guest
Excellent!
I don’t cook a lot these days (we can eat very inexpensively at the college cafeteria much of the time), but back in my Peace Corps days, I whiled away many a lonely evening cooking. (I even tried to make bagels.)
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Xantippe
Guest
You eat, don’t you?
And your prospective wife eats and your future children will eat, too?
Learning to cook reasonably well is a very important survival skill.
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Hobbes42
Guest
I believe the statement was made in jest.
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chevalier
Guest
So are computer games. And footie. And the A Team.
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Xantippe
Guest
I think we’ve found an area for you to work on.So are computer games. And footie. And the A Team.
That’s good, you know!
Demonstrating proficiency with basic life skills is VERY attractive. No woman (except maybe your mom) wants to be your mom.
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Luvz2travel
Guest
Everyone should treat everyone with respect and how they would wish to be treated. As to holding his own I simply meant I guy that doesn’t expect me to do all the work in a relationship. Such as ask him out, plan everything we do, make all decisions. Guys are supposed to lead but not in a overbearing way. If a guy isn’t willing to put work into a relationship or pursue the lady he want then he doesn’t really want her…that’s just been my experience. I’ve known the shyest guys move heaven and earth when the found the lady they wanted. Guys often complain these days about womens responses but if they don’t respond they just aren’t the women for you. Move on to one who will be honest, respectful and compatible.
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WilT
Guest
Xantippe, why are you doing this??? most women don’t give advice to men unless there is some other motive??? What is it? Are you really a man in women’s clothing?? Most women won’t waste their time teaching men about women… so what is your hidden agenda?..
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chevalier
Guest
Every man is a work in progress. Even if women may feel inclined to dispute the progress. :yup:
My mum is VERY fond of being my mum, thank you very much!
Joking aside, I actually can cook.
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Xantippe
Guest
Excellent!Every man is a work in progress. Even if women may feel inclined to dispute the progress. :yup:
The upside of the tendency of women to see men as projects is that many women are willing to take on “as-is” properties with grand visions of improvements. You need to check how much renovating they are planning to do, though!
My mum is VERY fond of being my mum, thank you very much!
Joking aside, I actually can cook.
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chevalier
Guest
Now, though, how are your video gaming, footie watching and beer drinking skills? You know, those can be pretty attractive to men — unless you no longer need to seek.
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Xantippe
Guest
Husband does play the occasional video game, but both beer and football would be viewed negatively if I indulged in them.Now, though, how are your video gaming, footie watching and beer drinking skills? You know, those can be pretty attractive to men — unless you no longer need to seek.
We’re in the process of teaching the kids to cook so we don’t have to. It’s for their own good…
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SuperLuigi
Guest
Well, we have to SOME way of distinguishing good apples from bad ones on an on-line forum.
Look at it like this: someone’s rotten apple may be someone else’s golden crisp!
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