A person's past

[sweetpea8319]

I have a few questions and I would love advice from fellow Catholics. I am a very very happily married wife and mother of 1 and 1/2 (one on the way). Before I met my husband, I had met another while abroad that I thought would be my future, and got way too intimately involved with him, even when I knew I shouldn’t have. I righted myself with God right away for my behavior and decisions, and upon my return, I spoke at great length with a few confidants, trying to discern if this man was for me. After a prayerful retreat and 12 days of this tortured discernment, I concluded that this relationship was not good, and could not continue. So I ended the relationship over phone. It was not a good ending, and he ended in anger and bitterness, leaving me with many feelings of unhappiness, guilt, and frustration that I could not personally be there to end it right. After that, both he and I got on with our lives.

Now, I met my husband-to-be shortly after that (God really had a hand in my life, and was so good to me to give me such a wonderful, God-loving man after the way I had been living during that short period abroad), and over our courtship and engagement, we spoke about my past and built up a union of trust and understanding. I have also worked and prayed for forgetfulness of my past, so that I might truly be blessed in my union with my husband. This has been wonderful, and has given me a peace.

There are days, however when I feel a yearning deep inside of me to go back to the places I was when I was with the previous man, and resolve my feelings that keep trying to come back. I know he would not be there if I went back, but feel that I need to close that door on my life, and can only do that by physically going back. My affection and love for my husband are not affected by these feelings and yearnings deep inside me, but that has still not made them go completely away.

My questions to my fellow Catholics and christians are this: Will going back bring any solace to the yearnings and feelings that are buried in me? How do I release these feelings if I do not go back? (Again, I have talked of this before with my husband, but it always seems to return). What can I do to heal inside?

Thank you!

 

[Nanny_PK]

I’m not a real believer of the whole “closure” thing which kind of sounds like what you’re talking about. I don’t know that you’ll ever forget your past experiences – there’s quite a few I wish I could block out of my memory – but I think you just have to let it go. When those feelings starting coming to you, look at your child (or your belly) and just thank God for the life He has given you now. Also maybe cook your husband his favorite meal and after the kidlet is in bed have a nice “date” and let those memories start being at your forefront.

Maybe in the future you can return to those places that have a hold over you, but what if you don’t get that chance? You can’t let those memories hold you hostage.

Just my two cents.

 

[Belle10]

I have things in my past like this, and sometimes they are hard to let go of. I’ve found that the more time that passes, the easier it is. You said you were more intimate than you should’ve been with this man, so if that means pre-marital relations, I’d ask if you’ve confessed this? If you haven’t, confessing it will most definitely help you in leaving it behind and focusing on your beautiful family.

Satan likes to remind us of times when we weren’t particularly close to God and how much “fun” they were or how much “better” they were than where we are now. Just remember that as you said, you have a wonderful husband and kids and you’re so blessed. Ask Jesus to help you leave your past in the past, and He will. God bless you!

 

[LuciaGdeLopez]

leave it in the past! Ask God to help you forget those memories, emotions and all. Remember everything is possible with God, nothing is possible without Him.

I too had a similar experience, actually too similar.
I worked abroad for a year and was not the most virtuous person. I fooled myself into thinking that I was in love with 2 men at the same time (1 good Christian man and 1 lost man). When I came home to visit the good Christian man I fooled myself again into thinking that I had complete control. However, after I went to a 5 day retreat (which he forced me to do) I realized how ugly my life was when I was with the lost man. This is when I first realized that your spouse is supposed to help you get to heaven and that would never happen with the other man.

Well, I never really ended it with the lost man. I just informed him that I was not going back. I was able to change my life and am now married to the wonderful virtuous man. We also just had our first child last month.

Anyhow, there are still times when I remember the “fun”/ugly moments in my life and even wonder what life would be if I was still over there. But, I say a prayer and thank God for the wonderful moments I have with my husband. I encourage you to do the same. Slowly and surely God will heal you and remove all that past from your thought.

Remember that God gives us all the healing we need.

 

[sweetpea8319]

Thank you so much for the advice.

Sometimes it is so hard to see past the feelings and turmoil inside, even when I know it does no good to dwell on the past. I did not let myself stay away from God for long, but it was definitely a sour chapter in my life that I let this happen. I can always say that if I were to do this over, I’d not have done this, but would that be true? I do know, though, that it was God who led me out of this situation and into the arms of my virtuous spouse. I think it was all the years before this in which I had been praying for him. He must have been praying for me too!

 

[Island_Oak]

…feel that I need to close that door on my life, and can only do that by physically going back… What can I do to heal inside?

You closed that door long ago, and locked it when you took vows to your husband. That said, we all are tempted by doubts, what if’s and unresolved issues with past relationships. To indulge these thoughts and fantasies and allow them to distract you from your reality is the problem.

How do you heal? No easy answer. There’s an ache in your heart, like a scab on an old wound, that for some reason has been torn open again. The only thing I can honestly advise is to get and stay as busy as you can. Spring cleaning time!!! Don’t give yourself the luxury of wallowing in your thoughts and memories of this man–even though it can be so seductive and seemingly harmless to do so. Aside from staying busy, add a daily “extra” for your husband–some gesture of affection, a generous gift of your time, attention–in other words make a choice to re-direct your emotional energy.

None of this will change your feelings right away, but as you try your best to move away from this temptation, your kindness to your dh will likely recharge your marriage and help you realize you made the choices you did for a very good reason. In time you will be intensely grateful you used restraint and maturity and resisted the urge to scratch this not so uncommon itch.