A Piece of Marriage Advice for Young Wives

[Ame]

I am 32 years old and I have been married for 7 years. I have a very old-fashioned mother who taught me to put my husband first, within reason. For example, my mother has served my father breakfast in bed every single morning for 37 years - you will not catch me doing that in a million years! But I have discovered things that my husband really appreciates and I make a special effort to do those extra things to help him. For example, my husband just earned his master’s degree and I was there every step of the way. He doesn’t type, so I typed his handwritten papers and became a good listener when he needed to brainstorm ideas for his research. All of my 30-something friends absolutely condemned me for this! I did not write the papers, I only typed them, but my friends all wanted to know what he would do for me in return. I never even thought of what was in it for me. I just wanted to help him.

So many of our friends, who were married around the same time we were, are either divorced or totally miserable. They feel like if their husband buys something, they have to run out and buy something of equal value. They take no interest in their husband’s hobbies or interests because their husband takes no interest in their lives. Maybe if they took a chance and expressed that bit of interest, their husbands would show them more support and less resentment.

Someone has to be the “leader” in a relationship. The husband should be the leader of the household, but I believe the wife must be a leader in her own way. Be the first to stop the “tit for tat” and you may be pleasantly surprised at how your husband takes your lead. Be the first to express interest in your spouse, and you might be surprised by his efforts to express in your life.

I know seven years of marriage does not compare to some of you out there who have been married for 40 years. But I have just come through those first crucial years and it is fresh in mind how tough it can be to adjust to married life.

 

[BamaRider]

Ame is wise beyond her years.

 

[chevalier]

What ye be sayin’g be half the reason me be single, yarr! Me no wanna no colde she-shark in me home, yarr! So me been playin’ a piratey game all eve lon’ on de 'puter like a goode single lad, yarr!

 

[1ke]

Yep. I agree.

Marriage is not about what you get, but what you give.

 

[Eucharisted]

Wise advice! I see you’re following the example of Mother Church

 

[Trishie]

What ye be sayin’g be half the reason me be single, yarr! Me no wanna no colde she-shark in me home, yarr! So me been playin’ a piratey game all eve lon’ on de 'puter like a goode single lad, yarr!

Eh?..she makes good sense in what she says. Just because she doesn’t bring him a morning cuppa!!! Goodness, didn’t you read all the good stuff she does do for her hubby? She helps and supports him where he genuinely needs help; and she takes and advocates taking genuine interest in his actual interests and hobbies…She’s making real effort to be there for him in an authentic way…and she’s right in saying that such authenticity can elicit the same from the spouse, in his best interests and hers!

BamaRider and I have been spouses for many years…not to each other! I look forward to meeting him in heaven…but we see the wisdom of Ame’s recommendations.

Ame, you are a great wife! You make a lot of sense!

Chevalier dear friend, it’s still a great idea to do the generic things like morning coffee trays, and chocolate and such things for each other, but I think maybe you responded to Ame’s initial comments? She’s no ‘colde she-shark’ but a warm, wise, loving wife. Don’t miss out on finding someone like her! I’ve two sons I’d be glad to see married to someone with her wisdom and heart!

 

[chevalier]

Eh?..she makes good sense in what she says.

Ye got me wron’, ma’am! Me perfectly agrees with Ame - and that precisely be half the reason me be single - no many people think like she does! Most lasses that walk today’s shores won’t care for you more than for the dog within a year’s time and since me rather be marooned with a laptop and plenty o’ rum on a desert island than marry a cold shark, well, me be growin’ into a scruffy old single pirate.

She’s no ‘colde she-shark’ but a warm, wise, loving wife.

Aye and here’s hopin’ more are walkin’ da harbour! Yarr!

 

[Chronister4673]

I agree with Ame. I’m 32 and have been married almost 10 years. We’re currently separated by his military service. We had Christmas together and it was so wonderful. If you ever get tired of having your spouse around, try going without them for long periods of time.

I used to be one of those she-sharks. I used to work outside of the home and I thought that I deserved just as much because I was working hard too. When DH and I argued, I would go out and buy an outfit for our first DS at Gymboree ($74 for a shirt, pants, and cardigan for a 5 month old is excessive). I would pick a fight and go buy myself a new watch because I was steamed at him. That isn’t the example that Our Lady sets for us. I’m ashamed that I ever acted that way. You grow and mature and you realize that it’s not about you. Marriage and Holy Orders are both sacraments of service. We’re supposed to serve each other.

I am not saying that I bow down and cowtow to my DH. But I am his wife and his helpmeet. I enjoy cooking his favorite meals. I enjoy taking care of him when he’s home. I enjoy just hanging together or going to church together or going camping or whatever we do as a family. I enjoyed that he came home and helped me clean the house up because I haven’t been able to (in my 80th month of pregnancy here). I will enjoy it when he comes back home in 3 1/2 weeks to be with me as our 4th baby is born. And I will be much sadder when he has to leave.

I can honestly say that there’s no one I’d rather spend time with than my DH. One of the purposes of marriage is to help your spouse grow in holiness and make it to heaven. He’s certainly doing his job by helping me.

 

[Trishie]

Too much gaming at night, it seems. Trishie, I perfectly agree with Ame - and that’s precisely half the reason I’m single - few people think the same way. Most women of today’s age won’t care for you more than for the dog within a year’s time and since I’d rather be marooned with a laptop and plenty o’ rum on a desert island than marry a cold shark, well, I’m growin’ a scruffy old single pirate.

Here’s hoping you and my sons find those treasures…wonderful human beings as wives…but you have to recognise them first. Meanwhile I pray that my beautiful, wise, compassionate, well balanced, intelligent soon-to-be-nineteen-year-old Sandra who has never been any trouble, just a joy, will find the truly good truly loving husband she deserves. I’m not kidding about the ‘no trouble" thing. “Do you ever feel cross with me?” she asked once. I smiled at her and replied, “What do *you *think?” “No!” she exclaimed joyfully with a smile on her lovely face! She wrote recently of her great gratitude for life and towards God. She has a joy in life. She’s the nicest girl I’ve ever known. I told her that recently." "Am I really?’ she asked.“I knew you love me…”

They do exist, such treasures of girls, even in this age, Chevalier.

 

[happymommy]

Ye got me wron’, ma’am! Me perfectly agrees with Ame - and that precisely be half the reason me be single - no many people think like she does! Most lasses that walk today’s shores won’t care for you more than for the dog within a year’s time and since me rather be marooned with a laptop and plenty o’ rum on a desert island than marry a cold shark, well, me be growin’ into a scruffy old single pirate.

Aye and here’s hopin’ more are walkin’ da harbour! Yarr!

I think you being single has more to do with the pirate talk then the ladies you are meeting

 

[chevalier]

I think you being single has more to do with the pirate talk then the ladies you are meeting

Everyone gets tired of the knight in shining armour talk once in a while. Especially the ladies. En dehors, en tout cas aux dames on parle français tout comme si on était à la cour du Roi Louis. [Besides, to the ladies you talk French all like you were in King Louis’s court. ]

 

[Trishie]

Chevalier, when you find your lady she will be the recipient of a mischevious sense of humour. That’s a plus.
But she may have to learn French and …what was that other language you’ve been using?

Ame, thank you for the wise advice you’re shared.
Hopefully it will be an inspiration to some whose marriages seem a bit jaded
and others who may be contemplating marriage.
God be with you and your husband always

 

[SarahR]

Everyone gets tired of the knight in shining armour talk once in a while. Especially the ladies. En dehors, en tout cas aux dames on parle français tout comme si on était à la cour du Roi Louis. [Besides, to the ladies you talk French all like you were in King Louis’s court. ]

pffft,

OP: great advice. May you be blessed with a long and happy marriage! The seven year mark is a magnificent time for self-reflection and renewing your personal dedication.

 

[wanner47]

Yep. I agree.

Marriage is not about what you get, but what you give.

Well said!

 

[Ame]

I can honestly say that there’s no one I’d rather spend time with than my DH.

Yes! I’m glad you mentioned this because it is also something that young couples struggle with. I’m not saying I don’t have coffee with my friends or go to lunch with friends, but I spend most of my time with my husband and two sons. When my husband and I first started dating, I was in shock when he would rather be with me instead of his guy friends. Everyone I’d ever dated put his friends above me. My husband plays in a basketball league with his best friend from high school and he spends lots of time with his dad (also his best friend), but he would never put his guy friends above me. I see couples my age going to night clubs without their spouse - what are you thinking?? And the women say, “Well, he goes out without me, so why should I not go out to a night club with my girlfriends.” A barroom/nightclub is no place for serious relationships or marriage. If you still need to go to those places without your significant other, you are not ready to be married. Believe me, I have friends who want to slap me for this, but it is a rule we made in our relationship early on and it has been great - no nightclubs without spouse.

I’ve noticed older couples who have been married for more years than I’ve been on this earth - they spend time together. My mom goes to the hunting camp with my dad. She does not hunt, she does not hike. She lounges in the hammock and reads. Sure, she could do that at home, but the effort she puts into packing and traveling means so much to my dad. My husband’s aunt goes every Sunday afternoon to a sportsbar with her husband to watch Saints football games. Sure, she could let him go by himself, but she puts her Saints jersey on and she goes with him because he loves for her to be there. Tiny sacrifices add up to big results!

Sorry, I’m getting carried away here…I just hope that maybe someone out there “gets this.” Don’t be afraid to give a little, I promise you will not “lose yourself” as much as you think!

 

[MrsMeganMc]

Wonderful advice, Ame. Thank you.

I am a young wife myself, was married at 23 just 15 short months ago.

My priest recently told me that the key to marriage is “give and forgive”

I try to remember this always.

 

[happymommy]

Everyone gets tired of the knight in shining armour talk once in a while. Especially the ladies. En dehors, en tout cas aux dames on parle français tout comme si on était à la cour du Roi Louis. [Besides, to the ladies you talk French all like you were in King Louis’s court. ]

I had enough trouble with pirate talk, I can’t read this one at all…sorry no French speaking here! I’m sure you will find a wonderful lady who will love to laugh with you!

 

[happymommy]

Don’t be afraid to give a little, I promise you will not “lose yourself” as much as you think!

If anything I think I found myself. I was made to be his wife, his helpmeet, his lover, friend and mother to his children. God gave this gift to me! I don’t know why, I don’t think I’m worthy of it, but I’m sure glad God does!

 

[jesu1983]

How Fortunate your husband is to have a wife like you ,Ame .
May god Always be with you and your family. In Such Modern times where Feminism is in the Rise you have shown to others what is to be like a Good Wife which is mentioned in the bible.

 

[Just_wondering]

I’m not a wife yet, but I appreciate the advice. I was just having a conversation like this with a friend (actually, two conversations with two friends) discussing the nature of giving and sacrifice in relationships.

In my international relationship with my boyfriend, there’s a lot of sacrifice involved on both our parts. If he demanded that I stay here in Korea alone to save money while he went home to wait for his visa to be sorted out, I don’t know if I’d agree. However, because I did it as a gift and a sacrifice for him, I’m doing it willingly and feeling good about the choice. Similarly, if I insisted that he leave his family behind in his country and move to my country, he’d resent it. However, he has offered this gift to me on his own, and I am so appreciative of the sacrifices he makes for me.

I think this works in so many ways. If my husband has to ask me to make him dinner, I’m going to resent it and so is he. If I do it willingly, out of love, whether or not I like it, because I know it will make him happy, he will appreciate it so much more. In return, he is likely to do things unasked to make me happy. Not tit-for-tat, but out of love and a desire to show appreciation.

Too many people these days believe that doing something for your spouse means that they control you. You cook for your husband? He’s taking advantage of you. You come home straight away after work? Your wife wears the pants, I’ll bet. That’s a misunderstanding. It’s only true if you do it out of coercion. If you do it out of love, it’s a gift.