A plea to newlyweds-learn NFP before you get married

[AP4Him]

If this posts helps one couple, then it is worth saying.

Before you get married, learn how to use NFP. Even if you will not use it. Even if you want to have 20+ kids. Learn it. Learn from my mistake.

10 years ago we got married. We knew from the beginning that we would simply be open. To accept 0, 1, or 20 kids. We had a couple discuss NFP at pre-cana, and we just dismissed it because we decided we would not use it. We were happy to see what God gave us, and I figured if we ever needed to, I could just learn it later. BIG MISTAKE.

So, now, today…we have grave reasons to use NFP. Atleast for now…a break from having babies while we get through this most difficult time(special needs kid, lots of challenges right now). But, we have 5 small kids. I am struggling to learn it because of these demands. My day starts at 6AM and ends at 12PM. During these hours, it is ALL work. Laundry, dishes, bathes, taxi-cabbing to and from school, grocery, cleaning cleaning cleaning, just literally trying to keep track of the kids, etc. I am up all night with a baby too. I have been shocked at how busy I am. How exhausted I am. I have actually gotten dehydrated from lack of water(just not taking the time to drink it and drinking too much coffee to keep going!). I never imagined it would be like this. Yes, I know things will get better when the kids are older, when it is not 100% me(husband works long hours), really not complaining…all this is to just say that I am struggling to find the time to learn how to do this NFP thing. And if I knew it would be like this, then I would have realized that my “I will learn it later if I need to” attitude was unrealistic. There really is no free time for me. And there is really nothing I can ‘cut’ to make it happen, unless we are talking about cutting something essential to running the house/caring for the kids. So I am learning it, but it is SLOW going…staying up late at night so I can read a couple of pages a day it seems.

Anyhow, It would have been so easy to learn it before we were married. I had TIME. So much time compared to now. I could have devoted hours to reading and learning. I could have taken a class anytime I wanted. Also, we were not under the same roof as we were abstaining before marriage, so there would not be the temptation we have now…I need to learn this, and it is taking a while to get through the materials, so in that time, my husband is left wanting and waiting for the green light. Sure, your cycles are going to be different pre-marriage, post-marriage, but the concepts and info will be the same. You will not have to do as I am and desperately try to find the TIME to learn these concepts.

So you never know what will happen…you may develop grave reasons to use NFP. And if you do, it would be great to already KNOW how to use it if you have to. So learn from me. Learn it. You don’t have to use it. You can tuck your charts away, pack up your materials, forget about your basal body thermometer. But someday, when the time comes, if you know the concepts, you will not be struggling to learn this in the midst of mind numbing busyness. So just think about learning it for my sake.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Good advice.
Prayers for you… sounds like you’re a very good mom.

 

[Kelfa28]

You sound like an awesome mommy!

Yes, I agree…learn NFP regardless of whether you decide to use it or not. You have no idea when someone might have an illness, loss of job, a big and life-changing event…anything that could be considered grave reason to put off having another kiddo for that moment.

I didn’t learn NFP until after my husband and I got married. I also had a 2 month old when we got married. It was difficult trying to learn NFP while postpartum and with the LO. My poor husband. We were chaste our entire 8 month engagement. We had a fun wedding night and went right back to abstaining so I could figure out how to chart and what my body was doing. Two months later we figured it out and are good to go.

I’m going to keep charting…even if we aren’t following all the rules every single month and even if God decides to bless us again.

It makes sense to learn NFP before you are married. In theory you don’t have the same kind of responsibilities as when you are married. It’s one less thing to worry about.

 

[CatholicRaven]

I agree with what’s already been said! I also wanted to add that knowing and charting your normal cycles (even before marriage, and even if you do not think you will have grave reasons to avoid pregnancy) can help you notice when something is a little “off” physically–those small, easily-missed symptoms that you might not otherwise notice because you’re busy, stressed, distracted by children, etc.

Great advice, AP4Him!

 

[dshix]

Simple solution:

Jam all the kids into the closet for a few hours, read all you want, open closet, all done!



Seriously speaking, I just wanna say good job! It’s hard to keep a horde of kids alive in any household due to the incredible amount of work and attention, especially without your husband around more time.

And great advice! I’m sure that advice is something that a good number of people would benefit to do.

God bless!

 

[agapewolf]

Your husband needs to be learning it right along with you, and interpreting the signs, so he’s not “waiting for the green light”. If there is one thing that messes up the use of NFP for people, is when the woman is the gate keeper.

And I don’t mean the woman does it incorrectly, what I mean is that it breeds resentment.

 

[SusanneT]

I’m not a great fan of NFP but I think you are right, it is a good idea to learn the process before marriage whatever your intentions at the time.

Aside from anything else it’s a lot harder to pick up details of your cycle through pregnancy / nursing etc.

Wow you really have your work cut out - God bless !

 

[ahs]

Great advice! And a +1 to gettting your husband involved. I personally wanted as little “work” as possible as my wife an I learned the ropes. But I figured out pretty quick that the more involved I was in the process, the better is was for us as a couple. Helping chart, learning the signs so I didn’t have to ask "is today a “green-light” day? ", even just handing her the thermometer in the mornings…every little way I could contribute was a way for us to work on communication and strengthen our “team-work” approach to out marraige.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

The idea of not learning NFP before entering in to a marriage where artificial birth control won’t be allowed sounds nuts to me. You never know what can happen and what would make having kids a dangerous or bad idea.

That reminds me of a girl I know, more like a friend of a friend than an actual friend. She went to the doctor about a week before her wedding to get on birth control (she was a virgin until her wedding night) and she started the pills the morning of her wedding. On the bright side they are now the parents of a beautiful baby boy that according to the doctor was conceived within the first week and a half of their marriage.

 

[Alucard1966]

If this posts helps one couple, then it is worth saying.

Before you get married, learn how to use NFP. Even if you will not use it. Even if you want to have 20+ kids. Learn it. Learn from my mistake.

10 years ago we got married. We knew from the beginning that we would simply be open. To accept 0, 1, or 20 kids. We had a couple discuss NFP at pre-cana, and we just dismissed it because we decided we would not use it. We were happy to see what God gave us, and I figured if we ever needed to, I could just learn it later. BIG MISTAKE.

So, now, today…we have grave reasons to use NFP. Atleast for now…a break from having babies while we get through this most difficult time(special needs kid, lots of challenges right now). But, we have 5 small kids. I am struggling to learn it because of these demands. My day starts at 6AM and ends at 12PM. During these hours, it is ALL work. Laundry, dishes, bathes, taxi-cabbing to and from school, grocery, cleaning cleaning cleaning, just literally trying to keep track of the kids, etc. I am up all night with a baby too. I have been shocked at how busy I am. How exhausted I am. I have actually gotten dehydrated from lack of water(just not taking the time to drink it and drinking too much coffee to keep going!). I never imagined it would be like this. Yes, I know things will get better when the kids are older, when it is not 100% me(husband works long hours), really not complaining…all this is to just say that I am struggling to find the time to learn how to do this NFP thing. And if I knew it would be like this, then I would have realized that my “I will learn it later if I need to” attitude was unrealistic. There really is no free time for me. And there is really nothing I can ‘cut’ to make it happen, unless we are talking about cutting something essential to running the house/caring for the kids. So I am learning it, but it is SLOW going…staying up late at night so I can read a couple of pages a day it seems.

Anyhow, It would have been so easy to learn it before we were married. I had TIME. So much time compared to now. I could have devoted hours to reading and learning. I could have taken a class anytime I wanted. Also, we were not under the same roof as we were abstaining before marriage, so there would not be the temptation we have now…I need to learn this, and it is taking a while to get through the materials, so in that time, my husband is left wanting and waiting for the green light. Sure, your cycles are going to be different pre-marriage, post-marriage, but the concepts and info will be the same. You will not have to do as I am and desperately try to find the TIME to learn these concepts.

So you never know what will happen…you may develop grave reasons to use NFP. And if you do, it would be great to already KNOW how to use it if you have to. So learn from me. Learn it. You don’t have to use it. You can tuck your charts away, pack up your materials, forget about your basal body thermometer. But someday, when the time comes, if you know the concepts, you will not be struggling to learn this in the midst of mind numbing busyness. So just think about learning it for my sake.

Ok, I’ll bite. Again, going back to my friend who wanted to get married in the Catholic Church who had to attend these classes, offered by a Catholic Priest, a requirement for those new couples wishing to marry. NFP was not only taught, but he and his fiancee were TOLD this was the only method acceptable, there were also 8 other couples taking the class. When the Priest left the room for a break, EVERY couple there stated in whispers that they had ZERO intentions of using NFP for A. They wanted to have lustful copulation as they saw fit, and as the urge hit, not when the body tempature was just right, ect… the exact reasons this mother is talking about, is EXACTLY why 5 of the couples had no use for “leaving it open to life” as some were attending University or had careers, or had other plans besides having children but STILL wanted to get married and get married through the Church. 3 of the couples were fine with having kids, but only when they directly decided to do it and then get off of the Ortho Novum 777…any thoughts/opinions on this would be appreciated.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Ok, I’ll bite. Again, going back to my friend who wanted to get married in the Catholic Church who had to attend these classes, offered by a Catholic Priest, a requirement for those new couples wishing to marry. NFP was not only taught, but he and his fiancee were TOLD this was the only method acceptable, there were also 8 other couples taking the class. When the Priest left the room for a break, EVERY couple there stated in whispers that they had ZERO intentions of using NFP for A. They wanted to have lustful copulation as they saw fit, and as the urge hit, not when the body tempature was just right, ect… the exact reasons this mother is talking about, is EXACTLY why 5 of the couples had no use for “leaving it open to life” as some were attending University or had careers, or had other plans besides having children but STILL wanted to get married and get married through the Church. 3 of the couples were fine with having kids, but only when they directly decided to do it and then get off of the Ortho Novum 777…any thoughts/opinions on this would be appreciated.

Honestly before joining this site I didn’t think that the Catholic church seriously forbid birth control. All the Catholics I knew growing up said things like “Well, you aren’t technically supposed to use it” or “It’s one of those things that’s in the books but not applicable anymore”, or once I even had a Catholic English teacher tell me when I was in high school that “They say that you aren’t supposed to use it with a wink and a nod.”

Actually, before joining this site I thought that Catholics were ok with premarital sex too, that it was just the evangelical Protestants that had a problem with it. The only Catholic family I knew that was against it was my fiance’s, and even he told me that they were weird and took the faith “too seriously”.

 

[AP4Him]

Thank you all for your insight and support.

Ok, I’ll bite. Again, going back to my friend who wanted to get married in the Catholic Church who had to attend these classes, offered by a Catholic Priest, a requirement for those new couples wishing to marry. NFP was not only taught, but he and his fiancee were TOLD this was the only method acceptable, there were also 8 other couples taking the class. When the Priest left the room for a break, EVERY couple there stated in whispers that they had ZERO intentions of using NFP for A. They wanted to have lustful copulation as they saw fit, and as the urge hit, not when the body tempature was just right, ect… the exact reasons this mother is talking about, is EXACTLY why 5 of the couples had no use for “leaving it open to life” as some were attending University or had careers, or had other plans besides having children but STILL wanted to get married and get married through the Church. 3 of the couples were fine with having kids, but only when they directly decided to do it and then get off of the Ortho Novum 777…any thoughts/opinions on this would be appreciated.

I cannot answer for everyone, but my husband and I were just really excited to start a family, and that played into our reception of NFP. We just always intended to have kids, desired to have a big family if we were fertile, embrace that. We did not think about the charting or abstaining stuff or being able to engage in the act ‘whenever’ we wanted…did not care about that or worry about that. For us it really was just about being open to having kids by being totally open. So NFP was something we were not really interested in, seemed to not really apply to us.

Now, I will say that NFP is not presented well at times, even within our own church, and that can be a turn off for folks…at precana NFP was presented as responsible birth control, which was upsetting as we were really excited about becoming a family, having kiddos, so I wondered why I had to learn something that meant NOT having kids. It is only NOW, 10 years later that I fully understand and appreciate the blessings NFP can bring, how confused I was, but I just wish I already knew how to use it.

 

[fpt]

The naivety is not a good advice. The theoretical providentialism is not in link with catholicism, it is near to the quietism and to the fideism (two heresies).

EDUCATION, INSTRUCTION, INFORMATION, KNOWLEDGE, ON ALL THE TOPICS OF MARRIAGE, ARE IMPORTANT AND COMPULSARY.

EVEN METHODS OF NFP.

 

[AP4Him]

The idea of not learning NFP before entering in to a marriage where artificial birth control won’t be allowed sounds nuts to me. You never know what can happen and what would make having kids a dangerous or bad idea.

That reminds me of a girl I know, more like a friend of a friend than an actual friend. She went to the doctor about a week before her wedding to get on birth control (she was a virgin until her wedding night) and she started the pills the morning of her wedding. On the bright side they are now the parents of a beautiful baby boy that according to the doctor was conceived within the first week and a half of their marriage.

Sure. True. We know it now. We were naive. We are faithful. We saw it as a leap of faith…You do not know what it is like to be a parent of one, or many, until you are. Just as you do not know what marriage is like until you are in one. Right? We thought, through very faithful idealistic hopeful youthful eyes that our marriage, love, big big family, could weather any storm with God’s grace. I still believe that to a certain extent, but I feel a greater responsibility to use the tools God has given me(NFP) to help my family, my children, through this storm. I could not have understood that as fully as I do now, as a young childless unmarried bride-to-be. Which is why I put out these words to those that are in the same shoes I was in years ago.

 

[AP4Him]

The naivety is not a good advice. The theoretical providentialism is not in link with catholicism, it is near to the quietism and to the fideism (two heresies).

EDUCATION, INSTRUCTION, INFORMATION, KNOWLEDGE, ON ALL THE TOPICS OF MARRIAGE, ARE IMPORTANT AND COMPULSARY.

EVEN METHODS OF NFP.

Well, one of the reasons I posted this is to help others not make the same mistake I did. However, I was never told that NFP education was compulsory. I certainly was never told that NOT using it was heresy. It was never presented to us like that in precana or by any priest I consulted in re to this issue. Ever. While I can agree that learning NFP is beneficial and wise, without evidence showing that learning it is compulsory or what we did(by not using it) is a heresy, I cannot fully agree with what you are saying here. Feel free to enlighten me or anyone else here. I am learning it now, and I will use it now. I encourage others to learn it before marriage. But to say not using it is a heresy…I have never heard that…can you elaborate?

 

[silicasandra]

Besides the possible need to use NFP to avoid, if a couple experiences fertility problems NFP can be a big help in trying to conceive and/or diagnosing fertility issues. The information a woman can gather about her health from charting is substantial. Although I don’t have any daughters yet (well, perhaps my baby in utero is a girl, but we’re still a few weeks away from being able to find out ) I think I might teach them a bit about charting when they hit puberty. Not to use it to avoid pregnancy, of course, but to help them learn about premenstrual symptoms (and if there are triggers they can avoid like certain foods), predict menses, things like that. I think knowing more about what your body is going through can make an otherwise nervewracking time like puberty seem a lot less intimidating.

I started charting right before we got married, and haven’t had much opportunity to use it (got pregnant on our wedding night - about 96% sure of that , then didn’t have cycles until DS was 15 months old, and only had two before getting pregnant again.) I’m still really glad I learned it, though, because there may be a time I need to chart for a longer time and although I may be rusty when I start doing it again, it won’t be “scary” feeling like I have to learn the method and be perfect right away as if my life depended on it (which it might, you never know what can happen.)

Thanks, AP4Him, for sharing your story.

 

[ahs]

Well, one of the reasons I posted this is to help others not make the same mistake I did. However, I was never told that NFP education was compulsory. I certainly was never told that NOT using it was heresy. It was never presented to us like that in precana or by any priest I consulted in re to this issue. Ever. While I can agree that learning NFP is beneficial and wise, without evidence showing that learning it is compulsory or what we did(by not using it) is a heresy, I cannot fully agree with what you are saying here. Feel free to enlighten me or anyone else here. I am learning it now, and I will use it now. I encourage others to learn it before marriage. But to say not using it is a heresy…I have never heard that…can you elaborate?

Just FYI, I don’t think fpt is saying you were buying into a heresey or anything. I believe he is more emphasizing that couples should not be forced into a position of “providentialism”, per se, by being told that anything other than that is a sin. He’s speaking of “providentialism” in the formal sense, not the practical. For a couple to desire on their own to freely accept children as they come (which is sometimes described as being “providentialist”) is fine. It’s when the couple lables with sin any other couple who does not accept that same lifestyle where the problems arise.

Anyway, you make a good point(s) that NFP is not taught properly in many places. Sometimes it is touted as being “easy” (and it’s not), sometimes people are told they “have to” use it (they don’t), sometimes the important details around it are glossed over, etc… It’s good that you bring up this important topic for young couples to see.

 

[fpt]

Well, one of the reasons I posted this is to help others not make the same mistake I did. However, I was never told that NFP education was compulsory. I certainly was never told that NOT using it was heresy. It was never presented to us like that in precana or by any priest I consulted in re to this issue. Ever. While I can agree that learning NFP is beneficial and wise, without evidence showing that learning it is compulsory or what we did(by not using it) is a heresy, I cannot fully agree with what you are saying here. Feel free to enlighten me or anyone else here. I am learning it now, and I will use it now. I encourage others to learn it before marriage. But to say not using it is a heresy…I have never heard that…can you elaborate?

Sorry, the word compulsory is a mistake. English is not my mother tongue, I am sorry. I wished to say important, useful and very wise.

 

[fpt]

Well, one of the reasons I posted this is to help others not make the same mistake I did. However, I was never told that NFP education was compulsory. I certainly was never told that NOT using it was heresy. It was never presented to us like that in precana or by any priest I consulted in re to this issue. Ever. While I can agree that learning NFP is beneficial and wise, without evidence showing that learning it is compulsory or what we did(by not using it) is a heresy, I cannot fully agree with what you are saying here. Feel free to enlighten me or anyone else here. I am learning it now, and I will use it now. I encourage others to learn it before marriage. But to say not using it is a heresy…I have never heard that…can you elaborate?

The responsible procreation is a duty of marriage. The conscientization of maternity and of paternity is very important for the couple. Each marital act should be seen in this way, during fertile times or not.

We are not robots, we are procreator (actor and actress for the new life with the help of God).

Quiverfull movement and theoritical providentialism are against the human intelligence, they are very near of fideism, of quietism.

BE CAREFUL WITH BOTH OF THEM, EVEN IF THEY ARE PROLIFE. IT IS NOT TOTALLY ENOUGH.

BE PRUDENT WITH THESE TWO MOVEMENTS