A priest told my husband an annulment is easy

[wina]

So, I will just have to excersise patience and forgiveness to a level I can comprehend logically.

I’m sorry about your situation. But you are absolutely right if you want to save your marriage then you should be patient and give forgiveness to your husband. I will pray for you.May the Holy Spirit give your strength and guide you.

 

[Deacon_Ed]

First, let me say I’m very sorry for the situation in which you find yourself. Your mother is right (how often do we hear that?) – go speak with the canon lawyer and don’t worry about tears, he’s seen it before.

I’m very surprised the priest said what he did since, in point of fact, we are not even allowed to talk about an annulment until the divorce is final (there are a number of reasons for this, but first and foremost is the idea that we want the marriage to work, and that means the people need to work at making the marriage work).

Some clarifications about what an annulment is and is not. An annulment is a statement from the Church (called a “Decree of Nullity”) that says the marriage never took place even though the appearances did. It has nothing to do with whether or not the marriage is sacramental (as some people seem to think).

If a valid marriage took place, then there’s nothing the Church can do about it. If it did not (and there are reasons why it might not have) then the Church can offer a decision regarding that – but not until all hope of saving the marriage has ended, and this is defined as having a final divorce decree.

As I said, go speak with the canon lawyer who prepared you for marriage. He will know how to proceed with this, but I think he will suggest joint counseling as a first step.

Feel free to PM me if you want more help/suggestions since part of my diaconal service is helping people prepare the paperwork for the annulment process.

Deacon Ed

 

[jrabs]

1. if he wants a divorce, he will get one
   2) if he wants an annulment, he can find a priest to give it
2. I have a choice whether to fight the annulment or encourage it - to free myself.

So, I will just have to excersise patience and forgiveness to a level I can not comprehend logically.

I love that you are exercising grace in this. You are amazing!
May God bless you for that.

I would like to focus on #2 for a moment. Please be clear that priests do not grant the Decrees. They are only involved to the point that they initiate the process. After that, he has no involvement - unless he was at your wedding or knew you before the wedding and is used as a witness.

The Tribunal is in complete control of the decision. They have a documented procedure they follow and do consider the witness testimony and all other parts of the process with highest regard.

Just because his priest says that he most assuredly will be granted the Decree of Nullity does not make it so.

With that, do not lose hope. Hope is a blessed gift from God so hold it tightly.

 

[Brenda_V]

As I said, go speak with the canon lawyer who prepared you for marriage. He will know how to proceed with this, but I think he will suggest joint counseling as a first step.

Deacon Ed

I have to say that Deacon Ed gives great advise here. Like others suggested write everything down and then visit the Priest who prepared you for your wedding. Bring a box of tissues with you (he probably already has one in his office but just in case ) and cry and talk and cry some more. He has surely counseled women who were crying so he will be okay with it.

Brenda V.

 

[Ilroy]

I could go on and on…as evidenced, but I guess the answer to my questions are this:

1. if he wants a divorce, he will get one
2. if he wants an annulment, he can find a priest to give it
3. I have a choice whether to fight the annulment or encourage it - to free myself.

Just want to clarify on these three points quickly…
1)That depends on the laws in your state. You can certainly choose to not sign on to the divorce and make him obtain it against your wishes. You don’t have to just go along with it.
2)Just any priest cannot give him an annulment. This process hqas to go through the diocese tribunal office. They will investigate all the evidence presented to them by your husband, his witnesses and you, if you choose to answer the questionaire. I would encourage you to answer it, and to simply be as complete and honest as you can. Talking to your canon lawyer priest would be a great thing for you to do I think.
3)My thoughts on this would be to just be completely honest in the process and show that there are no grounds for an annulment. Let the tribunal do its job of investigation and do alot of praying on this…along with the rest of us praying for your situation.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I’m sorry. I know it hurts. Been there, done that. I tried to make it work with a man who wanted out. Let him back in. Tried over and over.

The laws in our country favor the person who wants out of a marriage. You cannot stop that.

That leaves you with what you should do when he inevitably leaves, gets his civil divorce and files for an annulment.

You will be contacted. You will be given an opportunity for your (name removed by moderator)ut. It will be your chance to just put the truth of the marriage out as you saw it, in complete detail. How YOU saw it when you got pre-Cana counselling, what YOU felt when you went into it.

The tribunal will read both your answers. You may be shocked what he says about HIS real intents. Maybe you’ll never hear.

You may have been the one to enter with a balanced, sane, mature view of marriage in line with God’s plan. He may not. You may be told by the Church that while you are fine, your marriage was not real, no matter how hard you worked to make it so. You may be told you never were married and are free to do so.

HE may be told that considering all the information he puts out to justify his annulment petition, that HE has issues that would prevent any future marriage he contracts from being valid as well, and he could be given restrictions on ever getting married in the Church again.

It’s a gamble he may not know he’s taking.

The kind of people who bail on a wife and a special needs child sometimes aren’t worth the trouble to hang onto them.

Stay close to God. Your child needs you more than ever now.

And by the way, the petition for nullity asks LOTS of questions about the dating, the marriage prep, the early days of marriage and what the sources of conflict were, and what steps were made to save the marriage.

 

[strugglingalong]

I have to say that Deacon Ed gives great advise here. Like others suggested write everything down and then visit the Priest who prepared you for your wedding. Bring a box of tissues with you (he probably already has one in his office but just in case ) and cry and talk and cry some more. He has surely counseled women who were crying so he will be okay with it.

Brenda V.

I have to say I agree with everyone else on this - go see the priest that prepared you both for marriage who is a Canon Lawyer. Let him know what is taking place, the circumstances. Maybe he can even help to make sure the trial is done right and help you if you have to fight it to reverse it.

Being unhappy is NOT grounds for annulment no matter what a priest says to the contrary. We have so many false annulments going on these days. We don’t need any more.

May God be your strength and help for He is so good to those who love Him and are faithful to Him. He is close to those who are hurting, broken and in great need. Be encouraged in doing God’s will because it sounds like your whole heart is focused on God and on doing what is right for your family.

Pax Christi tecum.

 

[yellowbird]

Could it be possible that your husband is making this up? That a Priest never actually said that and he’s just trying to hurt you?

I will remember you in my prayers. And I just wanted to add, your daughter, regardless of your marital situation is blessed to have YOU for a mother.

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m sorry to keeping asking questions, but I am trying to understand what I am facing.

IF my husband divorces me, is NOT granted an annulment, and I honor my marriage vows because I would still be married in the Church…then do I have the option to file for an annulment based on being abandoned?

It kind of brings me to my original question about grounds for annulment.

I do want to express that I really really don’t want him to even divorce me. I don’t want an annulment. I still love him and want our family to stay together. Yes, there are things that bother me about him, but I guess my view is that it is part of what long term love is. It is my choice to be loving to him even if he isn’t towards me. I get a lot of critiscm for this.

I am a scientist and most of my friends are, well, less “traditional” and think a woman of my education, etc should not “put up with” my husbands nonsense. He has left the house two times since January and not only do I let him come back, I keep asking him to.

I don’t know what is right anymore. It just doesn’t feel right to lash out and say it doesn’t matter to me that he wants to leave. It is humiliating, makes me feel horrible and worthless, but if I am not honest with myself, that I really did make a VOW to love him, good and bad - if I just walk away…it might feel good for a moment, that I am making him feel the pain he inflicted on me, but doesn’t that say God only has to love me when I am worthy?

If I want love all the time, don’t I have to give it all the time?? Whether the person “deserves” it or not? My friends think I am letting him make a fool of me.

So, when you answer - and I hope you do - the question about abandoment as grounds for ME to apply for an annulment, please understand that it is not what I want.

I want my marriage, I want my family. I’m just not sure it is something I will be ALLOWED to have by my husband’s choice.

I’m sorry that you’re faced with this…I too am curious of the answer you receive here, if you petition for an annulment, if your husband is turned down. It sounds rather disheartening to think that a priest would be so flip about something so sacred…but you are only getting your husband’s side there…maybe ask that priest yourself what he said.

Second…do you get the sense that your husband is having an affair? Not to pry, but if he is leaving and coming back, that would be my hunch…despite giving you a gift last year, he might be thinking that he wants to be free to date others. I think for your own safety, be careful of always taking him back, because you can be putting yourself in danger (std’s) if he is in fact, having an affair. Unfortunately, as hurt as you are, you also have to think logically and how to protest yourself if your husband continues to leave the house, etc…

All this being said–I have hope that your marriage can be restored, and will pray very hard for your husband to do an about face with his desire to leave the marriage. I pray for your strength–God doesn’t give us more than we can handle…while cliche, it’s true. He will give you the grace to get through this–no matter the outcome. Your view of love is very inspiring. It took me a while to grasp the meaning of marriage, and being a wife–I agree…I don’t know if I fully grasped all that was required, but…I am grateful that my husband have remained together. (we were separated for a while, and I prayed a lot–learning the true meaning of what being a wife means) I hope the same for your husband…

Not that I’m suggesting a separation, but maybe that would be a step before doing anything final.

You’re in my prayers!

 

[BerenCamlost]

I just want to say that I think you are an extremely honorable woman based on what you have said. I know you are probably feeling abandoned right now. You are not garbage and you are not worthless. Your individual situation is a sad one, and I am truly sorry, but I want you to know that what you show is something that guys truly long after (I am one, so I should know). They want a woman that is loyal, moral, honorable, proud, meek, mother, wife- if your account is true then you are all of these things and any man would be lucky to have you. That is universally true. So, while your specific circumstances at the moment are difficult and painful and you will have to work through them, when looking at the whole picture you are the kind of woman who has the most value of all.
I don’t know what the solution to your problem will be, but if you act as honorably as you have until now- if it is of any comfort to you- you will be justified. I will honestly pray for you, God bless you!

 

[redrosetea]

Who knows if your husband is even telling you the truth about what the priest said?

Talk to the priest yourself…If an annulment takes place , perhaps it is because God has better plans for your future than to be tied to someone who is playing with his vows?

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

Yes, you read that correctly, we were counseled and married by a Canon lawyer. I hope its OK to mention his name, Mnsgr. Stephen Churchwell (from the Atlanta, GA region).

My mom, a third order Carmelite, has advised me to go an talk to Fr. Churchwell. I can’t make myself. I wouldn’t get any words out. I just cry when I think aobout it. Its even hard to type. Plus I am ashamed that I am being discarded. Its humiliating. I know I should talk to him, but I haven’t seen him since he was transferred out of my former parish and we were actually working togehter on, of all things, the church wedding guild.

It also doesn’t make sense to say we did not understand marriage, yet dated for 7 yrs, were counseled by a canon lawyer, etc., but from what I read, that is the closest I can come to something he could give as grounds.

the other aspect of this is what is the inevitable for me. If he is going to divorce me, what choices do I have? I can’t stop him and yet I can’t go along with it. If I am divorced, I can’t even get communion as I understand it. I definitely can’t get remarried.

What happens when you are just thrown away like old garbage?

I would have to be alone and blocked from communion? That doesn’t seem fair, but it is what I have been told.

My husband was angry the other night when he told me that his opinion was that we should “work at being good friends, not hostily married”. First of all, the only person hostile is him. I have gone to tremendous lengths to not react to his attacks. I asked what about working towards being “happily married”. He said that he had tried and tried and it was not a possibility.

I have to admit I got angry then. I told him I was disappointed that he actually thought divorce was OK. We had no reason. Things in life are hard and we had discussed, at lenght, while dating that quitting when things got hard was not something we believed in. He said that he used to believe that but didn’t anymore.

I feel discouraged that divorce is just taken as an acceptable way out of tough times. I am saddened that he is saying he changed a fundamental component of his moral fiber that ALLOWED me to open myself up to giving this man my heart. I never would have given him a backwards glance if I didn’t really feel he subscribed to some core beliefs of mine.

So, again I am rambling. I guess now I am wondering if he can NOT get an annulment, what are the ramifications for me if I am divorced by him.

Do I get banned from communioin?

Do I have to spend my life alone. Not just getting remarried, my mother said I can’t even date. I have to honor my marriage vows even if he doesn’t honor his.

I can understand this, but it only compounds the feeling of despair.

If he divorces you. In other words you are the innocent party. It does not effect your standing in the Church at all, it does not exclude you from anything, not even Holy Communion. It may exclude him if he innitiates the divorce. Of course you can’t date. One thing at a time. You should go and speak with Mnsgr. Churchwell, that would be the first step.

 

[rinnie]

First of all may I also tell you how sorry I am. And If i can make one suggestion. Please don’t believe everything you husband says. You don’t know for sure A if the Priest did in fact say that. And B what you husband told the priest. You must remember Priests are here to help and tend to only see the good in people. Think how many people lie to priests. Secondly I was always taught (especially in confession) if that indeed is where your husband talked to a priest, what a priest says should be between you and the priest. So please dont pass judgement on a priest until you are sure of the facts. Next please believe me when i say this i am sure there is nothing in the world the priest wants more than to save a marriage. Thats what the Catholic faith is all about. A priest would never want a person to break one of Gods commandments. Maybe go talk to the Priest yourself, you may find he may help your more than you think. If I can give one more piece of advice I think the best thing to do is you and your husband go to the priest together, and see if maybe he can help both of you. Mention it to your husband, if he does not want you near this priest it may be a clue he indeed did lie about the priest.

 

[vds4]

is he having an affair? Well, if I was on the outside looking in…all the changes, the working late, getting called in to work at midnight on a Saturday (but not answering calls or email)…it looks grim.

he said he was not. I didn’t think he was capable of that, but I also didn’t think he was capable of suddenly believing in divorce.

I have been told to hire a detective. I don’t know what to do. I want to trust him. I probably just will.

Getting an STD from him being unfaithful is not a possiblity. He is not interested in me anymore. He told me he doesn’t want me to “get the wrong idea or my hopes up”.

I just am trying to get thru the day. I have added him to my St. Jude novena. I hope he finds what I believed to be his true self again.

I think he is fooling himself. I think in his self deception he has pulled in and subscribed to the notion that his situation is hopeless. I think hopelessness is when you decide to let go of your hope. I think it is a form of self sabatoge. I hope that makes some sense.

I fight feeling hopeless when i think of my life alone. I make a choice to not be hopeLESS, but to cling to my hope and faith. He just thinks it is not a choice and I do.

To me it looks like a mid life crisis. He doesn’t see it that way. I am not an expert on men or how they think. It baffles me most of the time.

I appreciate the thoughts, prayers and support. I really do. It helps a tremendous amount.

Its helpful to hear from others and their stories because at times it does feel like I am the only one. Everywhere I look there are happy couples. At school, all my friends continue to have babies. My husband doesn’t even sleep on the same FLOOR as me. He chose to live in the basement.

Oh well, I will continue to read the advice, stories, etc. They are very helpful and I’m sure they help others in my situation. The divorce rate can’t be as high as it is without some Catholics lost in the war on family.

I am also looking to get the contact info for Mnsgr. Churchwell. It will be hard, but it sounds like I need to just do it. I have a pretty good idea where he is and hope he can help. If with nothing else, maybe my acceptance of it all.

 

[EasterJoy]

I am also looking to get the contact info for Mnsgr. Churchwell. It will be hard, but it sounds like I need to just do it. I have a pretty good idea where he is and hope he can help. If with nothing else, maybe my acceptance of it all.

It is possible that the Monsignor could talk to your husband, too, and counsel the two of you. All may not be lost, no matter what your husband had been up to. Some people go through a self-indulgent period of what might charitably hoped to be a kind of insanity in mid-life, when the evil one dampens gratitude and suggests instead that the toils of life will only stretch on to the grave. Destruction of their marriages is not a foregone conclusion, if things are not allowed to take the “natural” course that evil is trying to guide them toward. Pray that you have caught this cancer early enough to have it removed.

As for what the priest told your husband, do not be so sure that what you have been told about this priest is entirely true. I have found that people with this disease of obsessing on what the evil one tells them will make themselves happy have a tendency to hear what they want to hear.

 

[OnlyAmbrose]

I’m 18 and unmarried, so I have no advice I could give, but I just wanted you to know you’re in my prayers. God bless you and your love for you child.

 

[whatevergirl]

is he having an affair? Well, if I was on the outside looking in…all the changes, the working late, getting called in to work at midnight on a Saturday (but not answering calls or email)…it looks grim.

he said he was not. I didn’t think he was capable of that, but I also didn’t think he was capable of suddenly believing in divorce.

I have been told to hire a detective. I don’t know what to do. I want to trust him. I probably just will.

Getting an STD from him being unfaithful is not a possiblity. He is not interested in me anymore. He told me he doesn’t want me to “get the wrong idea or my hopes up”.

I just am trying to get thru the day. I have added him to my St. Jude novena. I hope he finds what I believed to be his true self again.

I think he is fooling himself. I think in his self deception he has pulled in and subscribed to the notion that his situation is hopeless. I think hopelessness is when you decide to let go of your hope. I think it is a form of self sabatoge. I hope that makes some sense.

I fight feeling hopeless when i think of my life alone. I make a choice to not be hopeLESS, but to cling to my hope and faith. He just thinks it is not a choice and I do.

To me it looks like a mid life crisis. He doesn’t see it that way. I am not an expert on men or how they think. It baffles me most of the time.

I appreciate the thoughts, prayers and support. I really do. It helps a tremendous amount.

Its helpful to hear from others and their stories because at times it does feel like I am the only one. Everywhere I look there are happy couples. At school, all my friends continue to have babies. My husband doesn’t even sleep on the same FLOOR as me. He chose to live in the basement.

Oh well, I will continue to read the advice, stories, etc. They are very helpful and I’m sure they help others in my situation. The divorce rate can’t be as high as it is without some Catholics lost in the war on family.

I am also looking to get the contact info for Mnsgr. Churchwell. It will be hard, but it sounds like I need to just do it. I have a pretty good idea where he is and hope he can help. If with nothing else, maybe my acceptance of it all.

I’m so sorry to hear this.
I’m not sure if I’d hire a detective…not sure what that would help, except confirm or not confirm suspicions. I will keep you in my prayers…

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m so sorry to hear this.
I’m not sure if I’d hire a detective…not sure what that would help, except confirm or not confirm suspicions. I will keep you in my prayers…

There are problems between her and her husband, and no detective is needed to know that. Whether there are other problems or not, addressing the issues between her and her husband is the place to start.

The OP might also point out to her husband that those who do not understand their own history are doomed to repeat it. If he does not explore why on earth he married and then tired of someone whom he has loved in the past and who has been faithful to him and done him no wrong, then he can expect that his next marriage will probably start and end in the same way. Even he can’t want that. Even if he thinks he wants out, it is possible to convince him that it is in his best interest to “earn” his way out through joint counselling. I know men who wished now that they had been so wise, and others that are glad they were. The latter group are still married, more happily than ever before.

Do not despair, OP! With God’s help, even this can turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to your marriage. Look upon the crucifix, and know that it is within the power of God to take the worst thing that ever happened and make it into the best thing that ever happened, for those who are willing to trust Him.

 

[Just_Lurking]

This is a rough time for you and your daughter, and undoubtedly for your husband as well. You are feeling all sorts of things, from betrayal at your husband’s abandonment, to feelings of worthlessness, from wanting to find some way to make your husband come back, to wondering whether it would be worth it if he isn’t going to change, and on and on. You have a tremendous uncertainty as to what the future will bring. If you and your husband do end up divorcing, this will be one of the most difficult times of your entire life.

I strongly recommend individual professional counseling to help you sort through all this mess. Counseling isn’t just for crazy people, or sick people. It’s for everyday people who are going through a rough patch and who can use some help from an outside perspective.

Information can also help:

See here for a website from a woman who, after being abandoned by her husband, has devoted her life to finding some authority, either civil or Church, to force her husband to come back. The website contains a lot of information on fighting annulments.

See here for a book from a man who, after being abandoned by his wife, successfully fought her attempted annulment and then proceeded to spend the rest of his life complaining that the Catholic Church in the U.S. grants too many annulments. The book contains a lot of statistics on the grounds for annulment.

 

[notsmart]

I am really sorry this is happening to you, but I have to admit reading all this has totally turned me off of the Catholic Church!

Totally. I dont know why this lady who is suffering should have to be dealing with all this stress the Church has designed to make this be an additonal souce of torture for her to worry about now!

How is this a good for anyone?