A problem with my medical school roommate's behavior

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kat23a

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Hi, I’m a catholic who just recently joined the forums. I’m currently attending a program at an east coast medical school, and I live in an associated dorm building. The dorm is arranged with three seperate bedrooms, and common bathroom, kitchen, and living areas. We were assigned apartmentmates randomly.

All three of us in the apartment moved in about two weeks ago, and have gotten along with few problems. Then, one of my roommates (I’ll call her Sarah), who is from the west coast, invited her boyfriend to stay in her apartment for ten days, without informing me. I was a bit upset with suddenly discovering him in the apartment, but I assumed he had a hotel to go to at night, so I did not say anything. It turned out that she had invited him to sleep in her room for the ten days, and after the first night, I quietly told her that I was very uncomfortable with a strange man living in the apartment.

Immediately, Sarah blew up at me, furiously shouting that I was selfish and wanted her boyfriend to never visit again. To make a very long story short, it took several hours and two resident advisors to straighten the situation out somewhat. The rules stated that under no circumstances could one renter force another to tolerate the presence of a guest, so the boyfriend had to find a hotel.

Sarah is still furious at me, because the extra cost of a hotel may make her boyfriend less likely to visit her in the future. She has taken several opportunities to insult and berate me, and I’ve noticed many of my smaller possessions that were in the common spaces missing since. In addition, I’ve been talked to by the main resident advisor, who told me that this sort of situation has never happened before, as the guest rules were written for dorms where people did not have seperate bedrooms. I got the strong impression from the advisor that she thought I was overreacting and should let Sarah’s boyfriend stay.

So, right now I’m not sure what to do. I am still very uncomfortable with a strange man living in my home, I am uncomfortable with the premarital sex I have heard at night, and I am uncomfortable because of the extremely hostile atmosphere directed at me by Sarah and her boyfriend. Most people I have talked to seem to think that I am the one who is overreacting, and that a reasonable person would let the boyfriend stay.

I am at the point where I’m almost willing to say that Sarah can invite her boyfriend over for a day or two at a time, just in hopes that she would stop being furious at me and this nightmare would end. What should I do? Help!
 
I’m a recent college grad, and your story illustrates why I always preferred single dorm rooms while in school!

The rules are the rules, regardless of how much disregard is shown by your roommate and the RAs. If they think the rules are outdated, they should bring that up with the housing office. Completely leaving morality aside, the guy isn’t paying rent, he shouldn’t be shacking up in there for free for ten whole days. Even normal apartments don’t approve of people having “unpaid renters” for that long! If your roomie doesn’t like the rules, she should find other housing that isn’t school-affiliated. Don’t cave to her.

Is there any way you can change apartments, or find a one-bedroom apartment not affiliated with the school? I didn’t even know that medical schools provided housing for their students - the med school I used to work at had a very few rooms available for international students, and they were phasing that out. So I’m guessing that other housing would be scarce, expensive, or both in your area.

Either way, I suggest you find a way out of the apartment. My sister had a roommate situation in her dorm and instead of finding a new room and “making waves” she decided to stick it out. I advised her to get out of there ASAP and she didn’t. The situation escalated. Long story short: A toxic roommate will stay toxic in spite of attempts to mediate.

Don’t hesitate to go to the housing office and find out what your options are. You do NOT want this to affect your studies as the first year of med school is hard enough.
 
How long are you going to be roomates? If it’s a short time and you think you can handle your roomate’s anger, then I’d start hiding my stuff, password protecting software, etc. 🙂 It might also help to keep reporting such abuses to your residence advisers, even if they think you’re being silly. It may come in handy later.

If it’s a longer period of time than you can stand, I’d talk to your residence staff about possibly moving to a new dorm where this wouldn’t be an issue. (this will probably be easier if you keep reporting problems you’re having).

I don’t know if it’s morally permissible or not to “allow” the boyfriend to stay the night or not, given what probably happens those nights, so I can’t speak on that. Hopefully someone else here knows, because I’d sure like to know for future reference.

Hang in there!
 
ChristinaM said:
Is there any way you can change apartments, or find a one-bedroom apartment not affiliated with the school? I didn’t even know that medical schools provided housing for their students - the med school I used to work at had a very few rooms available for international students, and they were phasing that out. So I’m guessing that other housing would be scarce, expensive, or both in your area.
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I’ve considered changing apartments, but I found out from the housing office that all of the rooms in the medical school dorms are already full. In addition, I signed on for the full-year lease, and there’s a hefty fee if you leave the lease early. As a last kicker, since the medical school’s in a major city, housing is VERY scarce and expensive! 😦
 
Seriously, that’s selfish of your roomie to expect you to be OK with someone you don’t know living with you for that long!

Max I’ve stayed in a friend’s apartment: 3 nights, out during the days, paid for my own food elsewhere. That was only because she offered because I went to her graduation :o I also knew her housemates (one of them was a teammate of mine). She also cleared it with her roomies before I stayed (otherwise, I would simply find somewhere else).

I’ve had non-Catholic roommates and we had rules that nobody would have sex in the room (regardless of whether we believed it was immoral or not). It’s not fair to kick someone out of their room (that they or their parents are paying money for) because you want a place to do that.

Even having your own room, I’d be uncomfortable with a man I don’t know living with us. Seriously, why can’t he shell out money for a hotel? Why stay that long in someone’s home for free, without the consent of all occupants? If it makes you feel uncomfortable, your concerns trump her desires. He’s not paying, he has no rights. End of story.

What does your other housemate think of this?
 
Kat, you are not overreacting.

Moral issues aside (I agree that allowing cohabitation in a dorm is wrong), the safety issue is huge.

I can’t believe that the med school would do all it can for security of their students (post VA Tech), and then let a strange man not a student live in a women’s dorm room for a week.

I don’t care who you are, that’s just plain stupid.
 
PaulinVA said:
Kat, you are not overreacting.

Moral issues aside (I agree that allowing cohabitation in a dorm is wrong), the safety issue is huge.

I can’t believe that the med school would do all it can for security of their students (post VA Tech), and then let a strange man not a student live in a women’s dorm room for a week.

I don’t care who you are, that’s just plain stupid.
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That is an excellent point. I do think that is a major security risk.
 
The younger sister of a friend of mine was ***raped ***in her dorm by her roommate’s boyfriend. I don’t find your stance at all unreasonable.

Margaret
 
PaulinVA said:
Kat, you are not overreacting.

Moral issues aside (I agree that allowing cohabitation in a dorm is wrong), the safety issue is huge.

I can’t believe that the med school would do all it can for security of their students (post VA Tech), and then let a strange man not a student live in a women’s dorm room for a week.

I don’t care who you are, that’s just plain stupid.
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As a parent, I salute you. Stick to your guns on this one. This is a real shame that you have to live under such conditions. After all, you pay the same rent that your roommate does and are willing to abide by the house rules. Maybe your roommate should move out. You will be in my prayers.
 
kat23a said:
I’ve considered changing apartments, but I found out from the housing office that all of the rooms in the medical school dorms are already full. In addition, I signed on for the full-year lease, and there’s a hefty fee if you leave the lease early. As a last kicker, since the medical school’s in a major city, housing is VERY scarce and expensive! 😦
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Keep your eyes open - sometimes things will open up mid-semester due to students leaving. Ask the housing office to keep you posted.

Did you let the housing office know of the RA’s reaction? I’d think they wouldn’t appreciate that one of their paid employees is encouraging residents to flout the rules.

I hope you have a lock on your bedroom door, at least. I certainly wouldn’t leave anything of mine in the common area with a vindictive roommate like that.

You have rights as a resident in on-campus housing, and security is one of those rights. I wouldn’t feel secure with an angry, threatening roommate and a strange man around. Do explore all your options, and don’t take this lying down.
 
Is there any chance they could put you in a different apt with different roommates? If there aren’t any vacancies or people wanting to change apts, could they keep you in mind in case someone does leave?

I was an RA in college and I know usually they try to get you to work things out first, but if it seems like you aren’t getting anywhere “working things out” you might try to see if you can get reassigned a room.

I wouldn’t budge, there is no reason you should have to put up with a couple “shacking up” in your apt.

You could talk with your RA and explain how you chose to live there because you agreed with the rules and you were willing to live them. It is their rules, not your own. You need to have an environment that allows your focus on academics, yet you are encountering a hostile environment for wanting all of your roommates to honor the rules of the dorm. You agreed to live with your two roommates, not with any unkown men/guests they decide to invite in. I know when I was an RA one important part of our job was to help ensure an environment conducive towards academic achievement.
 
kat23a said:
I’ve considered changing apartments, but I found out from the housing office that all of the rooms in the medical school dorms are already full. In addition, I signed on for the full-year lease, and there’s a hefty fee if you leave the lease early. As a last kicker, since the medical school’s in a major city, housing is VERY scarce and expensive! 😦
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I don’t think you are over the top on this at all. Additionally, I’m wondering that why should you move and break the lease - is it possible that since she has broken the rules and things are disappearing that anyone in the housing office would see that as breach of contract?
 
Perhaps you can ask the Housing Office if it is possible to switch housing with another existing tenant. There may be another person willing to live in your housing who doesn’t mind this behavior.

You must make it clear to the Housing Office that you are in a “hostile living environment”. You were under the impression that rules existed, and that these rules would be enforced. Under the circumstances, they may be willing to help match you up with more compatible roommates.

Be careful not to make accusatory statements, which can make you look like the curmudgeon. When emotions get high, people see the “crazy” and miss the real message you think you are conveying. Stay as close to the facts as you can and work at making it clear that you just want to be at peace in a place that honors the rules. If you say too much, mean people can use your statements against you as ammunition rather than kindly helping you out of the situation.

This is not the first time the Housing people will have dealt with incompatible roommates. It happens all the time for various reasons at every campus. Persistence will pay off.

Good luck hon, hope you can figure out how to find help. Next time, contacting future roommates/suitmates in advance to get to know them is the best method so you can be reassigned before move-in.
 
OK, so having experience as an RA and as a Catholic, I agree that your roommates reaction was overboard. However, perhaps you two should try to come to some sort of agreement, such as: before any of you bring a guest in for more than a few hours or at night you should check with your roommates, and other points. While I agree that I would feel uncomfortable having a strange woman in the dorm I worked at, I can also see where, with seperate bedrooms, a compromise could be reached.
 
Also, if you don’t get satisfaction with the person at the Housing Office, continue to talk with others, supervisors, and “chew up the chain of command” until you get the answer you deserve.

This method works in all walks of life for any complaint - keep talking to the next level up until you get heard properly.
 
Tina_in_Ashburn said:
Also, if you don’t get satisfaction with the person at the Housing Office, continue to talk with others, supervisors, and “chew up the chain of command” until you get the answer you deserve.

This method works in all walks of life for any complaint - keep talking to the next level up until you get heard properly.
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I agree! I was coming back to this thread to mention this too. Sometimes the next one up may not want to address it if you have not talked with the person assigned to you (eg our boss wanted the RAs to try to deal w/ the problems first before they addressed them), but if it is not solved by that level, keep going up. You do not have to compromise in having the rules being followed. You don’t know what her bf is like… Heck, we had problems w/ boyfriends after they became ex-boyfriends…
 
I’m sorry OP, that you’re dealing with this.😦 In college, my roommate had ‘many’ men trapse through our place…spending the night without warning. I’d go to bed, she would be gone to work–and there would be a complete stranger eating out of our frig. Between this, and her doing drugs with another guy, I layed it on the line–telling her that I didn’t care what it cost, I was going to get out of the lease if the behavior continued. She eventually stopped. I was her maid of honor in her first wedding, so goes to show that these fences can be mended. Just tough when you’re going through it.

I hope that she grows to respect your space more, as time goes on.
 
This really bothered me when I read it. The fact the your college has such little regard for your safety let alone your right to privacy is unnerving. Especially in an era where you can’t be too careful. If she wants to be with her boyfriend on intimate terms she should rent a hotel room and take care of business there instead of inflicting her whims on you. Especially with a guy you don’t know. Also the fact that several of your items are missing is very disturbing. I would report that to whomever supervises the housing. She should be kicked out for stealing. I wouldn’t trust her as far as I can look. :rolleyes:
 
I had a similar situation in my dorm this past school year. When I first met my roommate, everything was cool, and we got along great. Then she brought her boyfriend up unannounced one day (who was just a junior in high school, btw), and I didn’t say anything since I knew they were going home the next day for the weekend. I just stayed the night at my then-fiancee’s parents’ house (now my hubby 😃 !) in a spare bedroom. But when my roommate came back from home Sunday night, she brought him with her again! I had a bad feeling about this since I knew she went home on weekends, and lived over an hour away, so I was worried that she would keep him there the whole week. I asked how long he intended to stay, and they just said they didn’t know. So I stayed at my fiance’s house again, and on Tuesday, I asked that he be gone by the next night, so I could stay in the room again. I made it perfectly clear that his presence made me uncomfortable, because it was such an invasion of privacy during the day, and simply inappropriate at night. The following night he was still there, and the night after that too. I filed a complaint with my RA, which was about all I could do at the time, and finally on Friday I had the campus police kick him out of my building. They issued him a criminal trespassing notice, so he would be arrested if he came back into the building. My roommate was so furious, but the officer told me that she was going straight to the housing office to request a new room. On Sunday afternoon when she came back from home, I asked her when she was moving out, and she told me that she has no intention of doing so. Then she called campus police because my fiance was in the room and since her bf couldn’t come over, she decided he couldn’t either. But I seriously didn’t feel safe in the room with her–she was literally twice my size, 6’6", had a lot of meat on her bones, and had a history of being violent toward girls who made her angry. So I ended up staying at my fiance’s house for over 2 weeks, until she was finally kicked out of my room by the person in charge of housing.

So from someone who faced a similar situation, I would say that you should seek any way of moving out of the room, or having your roommate removed. It seems to me that if she is stealing your things and creating a hostile living environment for you, then she should be the one to move. But either way I would definitely look for a way to get out of this living environment with this girl. Sometimes you simply cannot resolve a situation if the conflict has gotten serious enough, and if your roommate has gotten to the point of harassing you, then IMO she should be kicked out of the room.

Also, congrats on going to med school!

May the peace of the Lord be with you, especially in this trying time.
 
I’m with you, I would also be very uncomfortable with a strange man staying overnight, especially when you can hear what’s going on in their room. x.x There must be male dorms around, perhaps if one of you is friends with another guy, he could let the boyfriend stay with him for the night or something, to help with the costs of the hotel? And why does the boyfriend have to stay for 10 days? Doesn’t he have school, too? Or a job? 0.o
 
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