A Q about DH and I, is this allowed?

[AngelEyes4Jesus]

I guess there is no real delicate way to put this so i will just have to come out and ask it. I am in no way trying to be crude. And please, no hateful comments or judgements. I would also be curious if the answers vary according to female v male? Since DH sees nothign wrong with it and actually seems to rather enjoy this. TIA

I (the wife) have struggled with same sex attraction since I was a teenager. I know I am not ‘gay’ because I did have the chance to experiemnt in my younger years a couple times when I was 18 right beofre I got married. My husband knew me then and knew that I had done this with a couple of my friends on the sports teams I was playing on. Recently he asked me if that had just been a phase or if it was a legit attraction. I told him it was a legit attraction and that I struggle with it daily out in public etc (some days obvisouly worse then others) I was embaressed and reassured him that I was def not gay and enjoyed him very much. To my surprize, this struggle I have been having actually seemed to pique his interest.
Well during some very intimate moments bwteen us he began some playful talk that involved that sort of thing and he and I enjoyed it very much. with him talking to me like that sometimes (not all the time) it seems to have actually satiated my struggle a bit and increased both our pleasure. I know that acting on anything like that would be immoral and against God, but is playful teasing, or playful pillow talk that insinuates something a sin also? There is no pornography involved of course. There is no planning (ex. why don’t you ask ur pretty co worker to come over etc) it is actually pretty light hearted and not even the majority of the pillow talk. Its more along the lines of a helper towards the end if that makes any sense?? Is this kind of ‘foreplay’ allowed? We have followed all rules re: no birth control, being open to children, not ‘spilling seed’ etc etc. but is this OK?

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Angel,

This is from a man’s view and I will try to make this not too graphic.

I knew a woman that would also do that playful thing with her “girlfriends” - who were gay. She told me and my then wife that she was playing with a girlfriend and she reached her had down low and when she realized that something was “missing” as it would not be with a man she got conscious of what she was doing and put a stop to it. Apologizing to her friend.

The thing is you had chances to act on it in the past and did NOT. As long as you keep things between you and your husband it’s all good. But he should not – NOT – be encouraging you to bring in another. It may be joking or “pillow talk” now fine, but do not let it go too far, as him saying “really what do you think about really doing something like this”. As you stated you had chances and realized that it was not something that you wanted to be a part of, so do not let him or anyone cause you to break with God.

Again from a man’s view most men would not hesitate to get something like that going, massive ego boost and erotic fantasy. But it will destroy your relationship, and cause nothing but guild and regret. “Talk” can be cute and may help stimulate things but do not let it go too far.

May God bless and keep you both – and constantly guide you both.

Winter

 

[SaintPatrick333]

I don’t know if it’s sinful or not but it sounds like you’re playing with fire. I mean lusting after anyone regardless of gender, is a sin. So lusting after same sex relations (even if you would never physically seek it out) might very well be skirting the line, so to speak. I would ask your Priest about such activities and potential dangers that may come from it, prior to engaging in it again.

 

[Schieffelin]

I don’t know if it’s a sin, but it sounds unwise to me. If same-sex attraction has been a temptation for you in your life, why would you want to feed that fire? Anyway, it would be healthier for your husband to be attracted to you as YOU and not some kinky fantasy involving another woman.

Good for you for seeking feedback on a sensitive issue. I will pray for you.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

This is a rather tricky thing…And probably we can’t answer, because we don’t know exactly what he is saying, what you are responding, etc. But if you are creating some sort of fantasy scenario, that may not be a good thing and might distract from your union with your husband. But maybe it’s just exciting right now because it’s all new and different. I know I would be too embarrassed to discuss this with my priest! I have a hard time as it is, and what does a priest know about married sexual relations anyway…I do confess sexual sins but it’s very painful and difficult and I’m not sure they ever quite know what I mean, plus I don’t want to scandalize the priest by being too graphic!

Why DO guys find the thought of 2 women together, even lesbians, so exciting anyway??? It’s never made any sense to me. Well, not to throw this thread off-track.

Glad you are happily married and following the Church’s teaching in your marriage!!

 

[Bill_7154]

I don’t know what DH or TIA stand for. I, myself, consider myself to be a recent ‘convert’ of sorts back to the Catholic Religion. I was raised Catholic and always believed in God and Jesus and prayed and read the bible off and on through my 20’s and 30’s but only recently went to confession for the first time in 17 years and have begun to try to be a good practicing Catholic since that time.

I guess my comments are, since through my 20’s until my mid 30’s I lived a life of sin, in particular around sexual matters. And as a male I never found it to be arousing to think of 2 women being together. I got the impression from most all my friends this would be their dream come true, to have a girlfriend who would have relations with a woman allowing them to watch or join. For whatever reason, this never appealed to me. And as I said, I lived quite a sinful life with respect to sex through my 20’s and early 30’s.

This is really the only comment I have. I have not been a devoted Catholic long enough to learn what all of the acceptable practices are between a man and wife, etc. It’s only been about 5 months since I have come back to the Church, and I was away for 25 years. So I am in the process of learning myself, and trying to follow the teachings of Jesus the best I am able as one of the first steps I am talking in this regard.

I can not really offer specific comments to your situation but I wish you the best.

God Bless,
Bill

 

[TheRealJuliane]

DH = Dear Husband

TIA = Thanks In Advance

 

[1inICXC]

I don’t know if it’s sinful or not but it sounds like you’re playing with fire. I mean lusting after anyone regardless of gender, is a sin. So lusting after same sex relations (even if you would never physically seek it out) might very well be skirting the line, so to speak. I would ask your Priest about such activities and potential dangers that may come from it, prior to engaging in it again.

I don’t know if it’s a sin, but it sounds unwise to me. If same-sex attraction has been a temptation for you in your life, why would you want to feed that fire? Anyway, it would be healthier for your husband to be attracted to you as YOU and not some kinky fantasy involving another woman.

Good for you for seeking feedback on a sensitive issue. I will pray for you.

I agree it sounds like it involves lusting and fantasizing and it can very well be a slippery slope from here. On the one hand, you have to worry about what it puts in your heart and your should, on the other, you also have to worry about your DH.

Having said that, I always wondered if we are bound by what we say in the heat of things?! I mean I almost consider myself being delirious once things steam up… I do not feel rational at all. I know that if I were really holy all my life certain things would never even cross my mind, but as such, it happens that I say or think things that I never would otherwise .

 

[underacloud]

I don’t know if it’s sinful or not but it sounds like you’re playing with fire. I mean lusting after anyone regardless of gender, is a sin. So lusting after same sex relations (even if you would never physically seek it out) might very well be skirting the line, so to speak. I would ask your Priest about such activities and potential dangers that may come from it, prior to engaging in it again.

I don’t know if it’s a sin, but it sounds unwise to me. If same-sex attraction has been a temptation for you in your life, why would you want to feed that fire? Anyway, it would be healthier for your husband to be attracted to you as YOU and not some kinky fantasy involving another woman.

Good for you for seeking feedback on a sensitive issue. I will pray for you.

I agree it sounds like it involves lusting and fantasizing and it can very well be a slippery slope from here. On the one hand, you have to worry about what it puts in your heart and your should, on the other, you also have to worry about your DH.

Agree with all these responses.

It’s playing with fire. And even if you think it’s innocent enough now, it may be sowing seeds in your and your husband’s minds that will become deeper problems.

 

[AngelEyes4Jesus]

Thank you for all the thoughtful answers. A lot of good points of view were brought up that I am going to think over. The ideas that maybe because it is fresh and new that it excites me/us now but may wear off is an intersting thought…because then once it does would we be tempted to try something else to push the envelope so to speak? I cant imagine so now, but couldn’t speak for the future.

I did notice today that when I was at school my same sex attraction was stronger then ever! interestingly enough its really like the pillow talk stoked the fire. The whole thing makes me feel kinda torn. On the one hand I thoroughly enjoyed this new found foreplay/duringplay technique. On the other hand, It seems like ti has almost made me feel more carnal (I think thats the word im looking for here?) like when speaking w a class mate i felt like a teenage boy and had to be very mindful of where my eyes and inner thoughts were. However, I kinda of enjoyed the excitment and I def like the ‘carnal’ aspect that this kind of love making made me feel. I guess it’s just a matter of either A) learning to better control the urges afterward and using this kind of pillow talk VERY rarely or B) ending it all togther.
Perplexed

 

[MarksWife]

I agree with the other posters that said this is playing with fire (i.e. “hellfire”). We are not to do anything that causes “lust” in our hearts. That means not fantasizing about anyone or anything. We can have a thought or two about enjoying intimate times with our spouses. However, we are to control what we watch on film, what we read, the music we listen to for just these reasons. The imagination can be very powerful and dangerous.

There are many, many ways to add interest to one’s marital life that does not include other people or things that are indecent or immoral.

You have noticed that turning your attention to this issue has now made you more aware as you go about your daily life. This is a strong warning sign. When people become interested in another person, married or unmarried … what do they spend an inordinant amount of time doing? Thinking about them. Thinking about how they look, how they sound, how much they’d like to spend time with them. This can easily go too far.

We must all school our thought life. Married or unmarried. You are not alone in having struggles, but you must not play around with this temptation. And frankly, it’s obvious that your H is really enjoying this. This will not continue to be enough “stimulation” for him eventually, and then it will be on to the next idea. And it will very likely end up being a suggestion of bringing someone else into the situation. Either with you or without you.

Please, take this seriously. It’s not a game. You need to talk to H and kindly ask him to refrain from mentioning this again. And then think of things you CAN do legtimately, that will add to your romantic times together.

God Bless.