A question about marital chastity

[anonymousposter]

My wife and I are in our late 40’s. She has no interest in sex and does not enjoy it.

We normally make “love” once a month, but even then she insists on no foreplay, nothing but penetration. Naturally its over a a minute or two.

When it comes down to it, it occurs to me that I am really using her to masturabate, as she gets no pleasure out it it. It seems that what is supposed to bring us more together (the unitive aspect of sexual intercourse) is actually driving us father apart.

So I have given up initiating sex and I feel I can live the rest of my life this way. Its been about 4 months now.

However, my question is should I pursue sex with her for the “unitive” aspect of intercourse. Am I doing something wrong by pursuing celibacy?

To her credit in the past my wife will sometimes asceed to my initiations of sex, but I do feel resentment after it. She has a bad back, has a stressful life, and is terrified of getting pregnant again (she has had 5 children with 4 caesarians).

On the flip side I feel that she is unwilling to give me 2 minutes a month, so I feel some hostility on her part, which God might use the “unitive” aspect of intercourse to help.

She has not commented on my “lack of interest”.

Thanks in advance for any comments.

 

[LuxDei]

You know, I started to type a response to this, but I’m not married and I don’t feel like I should.

I’ll pray for you, though. God bless you for seeking help and wanting what’s best for your marriage.

 

[Annibc]

Dear Anonymous
I really feel for you and your wife. I have only been with my husband for a few years, but I already realize all the physological and physical things that can come in the way of a happy marital life. I also know the pain of “rejection” when the other spouse is not interested in the act that seems to reflect the peak of love, happiness and closeness planned by God for married people. So without knowing much about your situation I will give you an advise. Talk to her, sit her down and tell her how you feel. Tell her that you want her to be happy, but dont be afraid to admit that you also have needs (here I am not talking about sexual needs but even more intimacy and recognition) I went to a couples retreat and the couple in charge there talked about expressing needs. Because as we say yes at the altar, we also say yes to “satisfying” the needs of our spouse. As for your wife’s fear of pregnancy. I think the most important thing here is that you completely recognise and show understanding for this fear. There is nothing worse for a wife than when her husband does not understand such things, it can make her feel let down and consequently resentment. But that said, I know that the NFP method is said to be 99% sure, if you use it in the strictest way possible: that means you only can have sex a few days a month. But that is okay right, if then you and your wife could both learn to look forward to that and enjoy it.
One more advise. It might be good for you to work at a close physical intimacy that does not end in intercourse. Show her that you only want the closeness, that you want to just enjoy being with her without “getting anything in return”. Then maybe after awile, while being close, she may feel happy and comfortable again, and ready for marital relations.
As you can hear from this whole reply, I surely think giving up and settling for married “celibacy” is the less good choice for both of you. Marital act problems often have underling/hidden reasons, maybe you have to work a bit more on friendship/romance/communication with your wife.
God bless you

 

[1ke]

Clearly you have been married for some time, with 5 children. So, my question to you is: has she always been this way with sex or is this recent? Has she always rejected foreplay or any pleasure from the act? Or is it just since this “fear” of pregnancy and back pain issue has come into play? I think the answers to these questions are relevant. If it’s always been this way-- she has some serious psychological issues with sex. If it’s recent, there’s hope with counseling, physical treatement of her back problem, and even menopause which will relieve fear of pregnancy.

 

[anonymousposter]

Thanks Annibc

I think you are correct about developing physical intimacy that does not result in the marital act. We have talked about my needs in the past. Basically she says “One moment of pleasure for you is a death sentence for me.” And then she will frequently go on a rant about how life is so unfair for women.

However, your reply is very heartening for me. I think you have hit the nail on the head. Thanks again!

 

[anonymousposter]

Dear 1ke

Once upon a time we had a rather ribal relationship. She is has been going through menopause for several years now and claims to have no interest in sex and finds foreplay irritating.

I used to be able to have her orgasm with each love making (either before, during or after). It is rare that I can do this now.

So I would say it is a combination of menopause, fear, back pain, stress, exhaustion, etc.

I used to think to myself “She can’t even give me 2 minutes a month.” Now I have come to realize that sometimes this is true (or I request it at the wrong 2 minutes.

So, I console myself with the fact that this will all be sorted out in Heaven, and trying to assign blame on Earth is very difficult.

 

[jnnywren]

Hi
Like your wife, i have had three sections, and suffer from back pain, it was terrible for a long time between my husband and myself, but we talked and talked, about how i felt and how he felt, and worked out a solution to this and it went on from there. We have been happily married for 34 years so you can, find an alternatives,and go on with married life just do plenty of talking, god bless you both, and i will pray he gives you the strength to find the answers

 

[anonymousposter]

Thanks jnnywren. U made me cry.

I hope I am not intruding too much, but what solution/alternatives did you find?

I realize that I am making my wife look like a really stingy person, but I do think she is doing her best, but her period creeps up on her before she can be intimate with me at times, and I would say most times she is stressed, in pain, tired, or in a bad mood. Sometimes we are just plain too busy (I work 2 jobs, teach the kids music, history and science - she is busy with home schooling, keeping the house going, etc - you know the drill).

I don’t think it is always her fault, and if it is - these things will be sorted out in Heaven

 

[blessedtoo]

Dear 1ke

Once upon a time we had a rather ribal relationship. She is has been going through menopause for several years now and claims to have no interest in sex and finds foreplay irritating.

I used to be able to have her orgasm with each love making (either before, during or after). It is rare that I can do this now.

So I would say it is a combination of menopause, fear, back pain, stress, exhaustion, etc.

Typical menopause symptoms include:

Physical causes for Loss of Libido. Hormonal imbalance, such as low testosterone, is the main cause for loss of libido. Women do produce small amounts of testosterone which plays an important role in their sexual lives. Without a balanced level of testosterone in their bodies, women are unable to properly respond to sexual stimuli leading to loss of libido. The main cause for loss of libido is hormonal imbalance, this is why it can be easily recognized as a common symptom of menopause.

As unbalanced hormonal levels are the most common cause for loss of libido, you should take a look at the following articles which explains properly what steps to take for controlling loss of libido.
34-menopause-symptoms.com/loss-libido.htm

Menopause wreaks havoc with a woman’s body. Be sure to check out the other 34 symptoms of “the change”. Experiencing even a few of these at once would kill anyone’s interest in sex!

Your wife may want to speak with her GYN. While hormone replacement therapy carries risks, a small dose for a limited time may help. There are also many alternative treatments available for women today.