A Question about Marriage (to a Wiccan)

[tapiocapudding]

I am not catholic, but I am starting the RCIA process in September. My fiance and I have lived together for 3 years and have planned on marrying for a long time. He has been a Wiccan for many years and will not change. He has been absolutely wonderful about my change of heart. He has agreed to abstain from sex until marriage, use NFP after marriage, and to allow me to baptize any children we might have and raise them as Catholic. He is a wonderful man, a good and moral man who is strong in his beliefs. Although the combination of religions would not work for most, we are strong in our respect for one another’s beliefs. Most importantly, I feel strongly that God is calling me to marry this man, and has been calling me to this even before I acknowledged Him in my life.
(Wicca is not the religion many think it to be- there is no devil worshipping, and wiccans are not allowed to hex people or cast spells on them that will interfere with their free will- the primary tenent of the belief is do no harm to others- it is the worship of a god and godess and a reverence for nature)
Anyhow, all that background aside, my questions are about the technical process of getting married in the church. Our wedding date is set for next May (a year from tomorrow). However, I’m wondering if we would be given a dispensation or if we would be denied because he is a Wiccan. I’m wondering if it would be easier to get married in a small civil ceremony now (while neither of us is Catholic) and then get our marriage convalidated in the church when I finish the conversion process. My fiance is willing to take the Pre-Cana classes with me. I don’t want to put our wedding off for 6 months after I’m initiated however, so I also want to know if the church would grant me a ceremony so soon after converting, and if I would be allowed to take pre-cana classes before I’ve converted when my fiance is a Wiccan anyhow.

I hope you can help me, or if not, tell me where I could direct this question. (this is my first post on this board!) I’m nervous to approach the Pastor of the church I attend- the church is large, so I’ve never really ‘met’ him and I wouldn’t want to start off with talking about my engagement to a Wiccan.

 

[1ke]

You really need to go talk to your priest. Just take the first step, make an appointment. He will guide you on all that is necessary.

You can do Pre-Cana while in RCIA.

Yes, a dispensation is required and no one here can tell you if it will be granted. So, you need to go see your priest

Doing an “end run” around the marriage requirements is unwise and dishonest.

I never recommend a mixed marriage, and so I suggest you consult a priest and think twice about something so permanent. It’s extremely unwise.

 

[tapiocapudding]

I understand that mixed marriages are extremely difficult, but please have a little sympathy for my situation- I’ve known this man for far longer than I’ve believed in Catholicism. I’ve just come to the faith and haven’t even read the whole bible yet. I’ve dated my fiance for nearly 4 years. If I know that I will not be allowed to marry him in advance I need to marry him beforehand because I beleive very strongly that the Catholic faith is True, but I can’t not marry fiance. It’s just not a possibility. For all practical and intensive purposes we’re already married, but I want to make things legal and right in the eyes of the church. Please don’t judge me for not knowing what’s right or wrong or allowed or not, because as of yet, I simply don’t know.

 

[1ke]

I understand that mixed marriages are extremely difficult, but please have a little sympathy for my situation- I’ve known this man for far longer than I’ve believed in Catholicism.

Perhaps you should wait until you are more firm in your faith. It’s nice that he agrees, in theory, to raising your children Catholic. BUT, that does not mean that you’ve thought through the reality.

Will he pray Catholic prayers at meals with you? Go to Mass? Teach your kids the faith, read the bible with them, answer their questions? No.

And when the kids ask why Daddy isn’t Catholic?

Your faith is THE central thing in your life. If you’ve come to believe Catholicism is the Truth, then you must also accept the fact that it must come first before all else-- “take up your cross and follow me.”

I’ve just come to the faith and haven’t even read the whole bible yet. I’ve dated my fiance for nearly 4 years.

This is not a good reason to marry someone-- because you’ve dated them for so long.

If I know that I will not be allowed to marry him in advance I need to marry him beforehand because I beleive very strongly that the Catholic faith is True, but I can’t not marry fiance. It’s just not a possibility.

This statement alone speaks volumes. I don’t think you are ready for marriage yet. He may or may not be the one, I don’t know. BUT, I do know that people often say God is “calling them” to do something-- when that something is completely opposite of what God would actually call a Catholic to do-- when they are trying to rationalize.

Your faith is new. I’m suggesting you slow down and wait.

If you want to do some kind of end-run aroun the Church because there may be a problem marrying a Wiccan in the Church, then you need to think about that some more. The Church only has what is best for us at heart, and they speak with the authority of Christ. I have no idea if a dispensation would be denied-- you just need to talk to your priest. It very likely would be granted. You won’t know until you go talk to him about it.

For all practical and intensive purposes we’re already married, but I want to make things legal and right in the eyes of the church.

Please study more about what the Sacrament of Marriage means. It’s not a contract. It’s not about property, living together, financial entanglement.

It is a covenant with God. It is about rearing children together and helping your family reach heaven.

Please don’t judge me for not knowing what’s right or wrong or allowed or not, because as of yet, I simply don’t know.

I’m not judging you. I’m trying to give you some things to think about.

**The best place to start is with your priest. **

 

[kangnamdragon]

If you are in RCIA (or not) you should not be living with your boyfriend even if you are not having sex.

 

[lizaanne]

I can’t agree more with what 1ke has to say to you.

I was once dating a man for four years and was very deeply in love with him. We were six months from our wedding and he broke our engagement and our relationship. He had the sense to see that a mixed marriage would not work for us - and he was a Christian (not Catholic, however).

At the time I thought my life was over, I was completely devastated. But now in retrospect, and being married to a wonderful Catholic man, I see how much of a mistake it would have been. I’ve grown to a place in my Faith that he would have never been able to go with me, and that would have driven a wedge between us that would have broken my heart - and perhaps the marriage. What I share with my husband in our shared Faith is something more precious than anything I can imagine. I would not trade it for the world.

So all this is to say - just slow down. Yeah - you’ve been dating him for four years. But you have just now become a baby in your newfound Faith - you have so much change yet to go through as a person both spiritually and emotionally because of your conversion. Let this settle into you and truly become a part of your life.

Being Catholic is not something you do - it is what you are. And it is very hard to not be yourself with your own husband. Sure - mixed marriages can work, but I’m sure you will have many women and men on here tell you it’s not easy.

Good luck to you - and please make an appointment with your priest soon!

~Liza

 

[tapiocapudding]

Please understand where I’m coming from here. I am indeed a baby in this faith. I don’t know the teachings of the church, but I am not willing to abandon the love of my life because we don’t believe the same things. I’m trying to make up for the sins of my past- but I’m not going to move out of my appartment that I’ve lived in for 3 years with the man I’ve loved. I have no place else to go. We’re abstaining now, this is a big sacrifice. I’ve made other sacrifices and I’m absolutely trying my best. He has made so many sacrifices for me because he loves me so much. Please have sympathy for my situation- I’ve barely believed this for a month. I am definitely willing to talk to my priest and ask for guidance. I’m definitely willing to make all sorts of sacrifices for the faith, but I can’t give up the man I love. It’s not because I’ve been dating him for so many years or because he pays my rent. It’s because I love him with all my heart and he loves me the same way.
I’m trying my best, really I am. But forgive me for not knowing enough about the faith to devote myself to it above a life I’ve lived for 21 years. And forgive me for my youthful optomism in believing that things will work out for my relationship.

 

[CCM08]

I understand that mixed marriages are extremely difficult, but please have a little sympathy for my situation-

Jesus requires that we love him above our wives, husbands, sons, and daughters. It’s not a lack of sympathy, but a compassion for the eternal soul which is simply more important than a relationship with a man.

I’ve known this man for far longer than I’ve believed in Catholicism. I’ve just come to the faith and haven’t even read the whole bible yet. I’ve dated my fiance for nearly 4 years. If I know that I will not be allowed to marry him in advance I need to marry him beforehand because I beleive very strongly that the Catholic faith is True,

If that were really the case then you wouldn’t be trying to get around the rules. If you think the RCC is the true Church then you must accept and obey the authorities of the RCC in this matter, not seek an end run around the rules to have your own way.

but I can’t not marry fiance. It’s just not a possibility. For all practical and intensive purposes we’re already married, but I want to make things legal and right in the eyes of the church. Please don’t judge me for not knowing what’s right or wrong or allowed or not, because as of yet, I simply don’t know.

No one here can actually tell you whether this will be premitted or not. I’m good friends with several Catholic priests whom I met before becoming Orthodox. I can tell you this is not something the RCC is going to want you to do, and they’d rather not grant dispenstations like this. If he were a Jew or a Muslim it’d be different, those faiths are Monothesitic and have similar moral code. Christianity is not compatible with something that has a moral code as ill defined as “do what you will but harm none.”

 

[CCM08]

Please understand where I’m coming from here. I am indeed a baby in this faith. I don’t know the teachings of the church, but I am not willing to abandon the love of my life because we don’t believe the same things. I’m trying to make up for the sins of my past- but I’m not going to move out of my appartment that I’ve lived in for 3 years with the man I’ve loved. I have no place else to go. We’re abstaining now, this is a big sacrifice. I’ve made other sacrifices and I’m absolutely trying my best. He has made so many sacrifices for me because he loves me so much. Please have sympathy for my situation- I’ve barely believed this for a month. I am definitely willing to talk to my priest and ask for guidance. I’m definitely willing to make all sorts of sacrifices for the faith, but I can’t give up the man I love. It’s not because I’ve been dating him for so many years or because he pays my rent. It’s because I love him with all my heart and he loves me the same way.
I’m trying my best, really I am. But forgive me for not knowing enough about the faith to devote myself to it above a life I’ve lived for 21 years. And forgive me for my youthful optomism in believing that things will work out for my relationship.

Christ said if you do not love him more than anyone else you aren’t worthy of him. That may seem harsh, and I sympathize. But the problem I see in your posts is that you really haven’t made that committment to Christ that is required. If you wish to take up your cross and follow Christ that may mean giving up everything. Christians for many years during the Roman persecutions knew that by following Christ it could well mean (and did for untold thousands) horrible deaths by torture, rape, being used as entertainment in the arena, and many other brutual ways. It really didn’t matter if they’d been following Christ for 3 days or 30 years, the requirement is the same because the reward is the same. I’m Orthodox, and I can tell you if you were looking at becoming Orthodox terminating this relationship would be required before any possibility of converting was even discussed. There is some possiblity that the RCC may allow this, but again is the influence of someone that practices witchcraft really going to provide a good environment for raising Catholic children?
If your position really is that the guy you’re living with comes before your faith then the situation doesn’t look good.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Aw, sweetie, I know what it’s like to be in love. You’re young. And your faith is new. And that’s why maybe you should draw out your engagement. I won’t say don’t marry him. I’ll say don’t be quick to marry until you figure things out.

I married a man who “converted” three days before the ceremony. The fact that he didn’t let me tell my family before the wedding startled me. And in retrospect it was a harbinger of things to come. Even a “convert” may not be sincere.

After a painful marriage, and a long drawn-out divorce, I am a single mom struggling to instill values in children who are not getting those values reinforced with their father.

And oh, I adored him. I really did love him. And he broke my heart. But at the time I thought love conquered all. I didn’t understand how even with the “same faith” we weren’t on the same page. And that when I needed him to be on the same page as we became parents and dealt with illness and death and babies and moving and stress, he wasn’t even in the same book.

When you marry and become a mother you change. When you become a Catholic and truly accept it, you change. If he’s not changing in the same direction as you, he will eventually be on a different path. And that will be painful for you. Do you want it to be painful for children too?

The Catholic Church even has regulations for dissolving marriages between converts and those who refuse to convert, because those changes are so profound that they affect everything.

Her long experience with this matter since the days of the apostles should not be ignored.

Meanwhile, pray for him. Pray for his conversion. Ask God for signs that this is the man he intends for you or not. Because the more you fall in love with the faith, the more you will want it for him. You will want that gift for him too. And if he rejects it, you will grow to see that it is a rejection of you too. Because that is who you are now.

I wish you the best of luck. But do not do anything quickly during this very important time.

 

[maryjk]

Aw, sweetie, I know what it’s like to be in love. You’re young. And your faith is new. And that’s why maybe you should draw out your engagement. I won’t say don’t marry him. I’ll say don’t be quick to marry until you figure things out.

I married a man who “converted” three days before the ceremony. The fact that he didn’t let me tell my family before the wedding startled me. And in retrospect it was a harbinger of things to come. Even a “convert” may not be sincere.

After a painful marriage, and a long drawn-out divorce, I am a single mom struggling to instill values in children who are not getting those values reinforced with their father.

And oh, I adored him. I really did love him. And he broke my heart. But at the time I thought love conquered all. I didn’t understand how even with the “same faith” we weren’t on the same page. And that when I needed him to be on the same page as we became parents and dealt with illness and death and babies and moving and stress, he wasn’t even in the same book.

When you marry and become a mother you change. When you become a Catholic and truly accept it, you change. If he’s not changing in the same direction as you, he will eventually be on a different path. And that will be painful for you. Do you want it to be painful for children too?

The Catholic Church even has regulations for dissolving marriages between converts and those who refuse to convert, because those changes are so profound that they affect everything.

Her long experience with this matter since the days of the apostles should not be ignored.

Meanwhile, pray for him. Pray for his conversion. Ask God for signs that this is the man he intends for you or not. Because the more you fall in love with the faith, the more you will want it for him. You will want that gift for him too. And if he rejects it, you will grow to see that it is a rejection of you too. Because that is who you are now.

I wish you the best of luck. But do not do anything quickly during this very important time.

Liberanosamalo,
I think you need to step back here and stop projecting your life on this person.

tapiocapudding,

You do need to think long and hard about this. Being married to someone that isn’t your faith can be a trial. Agreements you have now with him may not hold water when the time comes.

But it doesn’t always turn out like Liberanosamalo’s marriage turned out. I have been married for 15 years. My husband is not Catholic and when we got married I wasn’t much of a Catholic either. We have been through so much. Our son was born 9 weeks early, we were told that we shouldn’t have more children, he was out of work for over a year, there has been major illness with our families and us. We had to move 850 miles away from our home town. We are still together and still going strong. But it takes work. And patience. And more than you can even imagine. It is hard to be the only one with our son at Mass. To be the one that teaches everything about the faith. It is hard.

You do need to talk to your Priest. Tell him EVERYTHING. Even the fact that you are living together as brother and sister. (And keep it that way, it is very easy to go back to having a sexual relationship.) Follow his advise.

 

[MCH]

Believe me it’s hard enough being married to a non Catholic Christian, think very carefully before you get married.

 

[1ke]

Your boyfriend sounds like a very nice person and so do you.

I know you are optimistic, and sometimes mixed marriages do work-- although they are in the minority. Sometimes young marriages work out-- although they are in the minority.

I know you love him, and no one is telling you to dump him. What we are telling you is to slow down. If you love him with a forever kind of love, then slowing down will not end your relationship. Slowing down will not change his love or your love.

I dated the love of my life for 7 years thinking I could not live without him. But, he was not the true love of my life, and he was not the man I was meant to marry. We are friends, he is married with three children. I am married to the most wonderful man in the whole wide world. Wow, would it have been a HUGE mistake for us to marry each other, but at 21 we could not (or would not) see that.

Give your **faith **and your **relationship **time to **mature **together. You have your whole life ahead of you, and if you are only 21 you were quite young when you two got together and have limited experience. You might think he’s the only one you will ever love, but God will give you something beyond your wildest dreams if you will just let him.

Maybe this man is your future husband, maybe he’s even a future Catholic. Only time will tell that. So-- give it PLENTY of time.

 

[Lance]

Please understand where I’m coming from here. I am indeed a baby in this faith. I don’t know the teachings of the church, but I am not willing to abandon the love of my life because we don’t believe the same things. I’m trying to make up for the sins of my past- but I’m not going to move out of my appartment that I’ve lived in for 3 years with the man I’ve loved. I have no place else to go. We’re abstaining now, this is a big sacrifice. I’ve made other sacrifices and I’m absolutely trying my best. He has made so many sacrifices for me because he loves me so much. Please have sympathy for my situation- I’ve barely believed this for a month. I am definitely willing to talk to my priest and ask for guidance. I’m definitely willing to make all sorts of sacrifices for the faith, but I can’t give up the man I love. It’s not because I’ve been dating him for so many years or because he pays my rent. It’s because I love him with all my heart and he loves me the same way.
I’m trying my best, really I am. But forgive me for not knowing enough about the faith to devote myself to it above a life I’ve lived for 21 years. And forgive me for my youthful optomism in believing that things will work out for my relationship.

It sounds like you have made up your mind and are just looking for validation of what you are about to do. 1ke, CCM08 and others have given you good advice and no one here is going to tell you whether or not what you are about to do is OK. We don’t have that authority. You need to talk to a priest. We can forgive you or not but what really matters is whether God forgives you or not! Please go talk to a priest soon.

 

[tapiocapudding]

It appears I’ve gotten off on the wrong foot here, and I didn’t mean to. I just have so much to learn and I don’t know what’s what!
I think it’s best I talk to my priest about this matter and keep it between him and me. In the meantime, I will definitely use this forum to answer some other questions I have.

 

[Bennie_P]

It appears I’ve gotten off on the wrong foot here, and I didn’t mean to. I just have so much to learn and I don’t know what’s what!
I think it’s best I talk to my priest about this matter and keep it between him and me. In the meantime, I will definitely use this forum to answer some other questions I have.

Just take it a day at time, focus on Christ, don’t try to figure it all out all at once. Talking to your priest is a great idea. Pax
My prayers are with you.

 

[BlestOne]

I am going to do the unpopular thing here… I have to tell you from personal experience…RUN…FAST…DON’T LOOK BACK!!! I was raised Catholic, so was my ex. He converted to Wicca just about the time we got married. At first he didn’t push me about being Catholic and I didn’t push him either. After a while he started inviting people over for rituals and laughed about having his Catholic wife wait on them and serve them… Progressively over years it got much worse. He started doing money spells and things around my house… the children started questioning… this made for some very tense moments, needless to say… then one day, after he went to mass because I insisted that the kids were questioning why he never went with us, he announces in church that he can’t come anymore!!! About a month later he just decides that according to his religion it is ok to divorce so he says he is going to move out. Dummy me, says, “The children…” and he stays for a while… then he does it again… this time it is obvious it is a power play and he wants to very openly practice his religion in front of the children and all the relatives… so this time I say, “Do what you have to do!” He was floored… he just wanted his own way, but now he had to move out… so he decides it is OK with his religion and conscience to not pay child support, quit his job and work under the table so he doesn’t have to pay… all this from a “High Priest”… go figure! My ex started out very nice, very caring and wonderful…but the more he got into his religion, the more he resented having a wife and family. At the end, he was only giving me $20-$50 a paycheck toward the bills because the rest he was spending on magik books and supplies (candles, incense, etc)…

I am not saying your guy will do the same… but there is something about that religion that makes a person very selfish and they resent family obligations!

 

[RWMorris]

My sister is Wiccan and over the years her mind has become ensnared in the evil spirits that inundate that religion. I hate to be pessimistic because obviously you are in love with the guy, but if were you I would RUN AWAY. My sister’s two kids are all screwed up from all the rituals my sister has exposed them to and told them to believe.
It will hurt like nobody’s business but I believe it is better in the long run rather than getting mixed up with someone who prays to gods and goddesses, no matter how “white” the magik is.

 

[tapiocapudding]

Hi everyone.
I’m sorry for those of you who have had negative experiences with Wiccans in the past. All religions have their share of less than wholesome people and it sounds like a lot of you had have to deal with people who are largely unrepresentative of the faith as a whole. It seems there are a lot of misunderstandings on what this religion is actually about. But that’s neither here nor there. I’ve decided that this matter is better just left between my priest and I and don’t want to discuss my fiance’s religious life in this forum any longer. Is there any way to lock this thread?
Thanks for your understanding.

 

[Cari]

Dear Tapiocapudding,

I just read a post of yours on another thread, where you wrote, in part, that your fiance:

also finds the idea of drinking the blood of Christ disgusting!

This statement alone is all you need to hear. As a Catholic, the Eucharist is the “source and summit” of our Faith. It is THE REASON for the Sacrifice of Mass. To marry a man, who may become the father of your (by your current plans) Catholic-raised children, who finds the Eucharist “disgusting” is a disaster.

You say he respects your Catholic beliefs (which you admit are still very uninformed), yet he expresses statements like the above? Something is not right here. I have heard you defend his religious beliefs very eloquently, yet this is what he counters with?

Please consider very carefully.