A Question About Relationships

[Xantippe]

One question you can ask yourself is how important the friendship is to you, that you consider it a loss if things go badly. To be blunt, most male-female friendships from our early adult years will not burn brightly into the future anyway. We will marry off, have families, and such friendships rarely have room in our lives. Thus, a good female friend now who you have strong feelings for is (arguably) worth risking the friendship, to see if it has the possibility to be an even better and lifelong relationship (ie marriage…at the risk of getting ahead of ourselves).

**I was thinking exactly the same thing.

The OP’s future wife (if she isn’t this friend) is not going to be keen on the OP continuing a similarly warm solo friendship with this female friend. Ditto the female friend’s future husband or serious boyfriend.

So, asking her out now is lower risk than it looks, because the current situation is not one that can continue indefinitely, unless neither has other romantic relationships ever. **

The other way to view the friendship issues is this: if you have such strong romantic feelings for her, but she does not reciprocate them, this is probably not a good friendship to hold onto as you start to date other women and perhaps marry one. You probably will not want to remain friends with someone who you feel this way for (although it is possible these feelinds would change).

Yes.

I say these things because it can shape your approach. If you make it clear that your intentions are solely romantic, she may have less hesitation at the thought of losing the friendship, since that is no longer your interest anyway. My best mate in high school took this approach with a girl we had both been friends with for many years. She was worried about losing the friendship, but he was quite persistent and clear in his intentions. She cared enough for him to give it a go, rather than lose even the friendship. They have been happily married for about 13 years now.

Awww.

I’d add that it’s important to make it clear that with either a yes or a no, you still will value and respect her as a person, and you don’t value her only as a prospective girlfriend. You understand that she has intrinsic value aside from a relationship with you.

 

[Xantippe]

Maybe this is just my own experience, but most of the time, in such a friendship, if one has romantic feelings and the other does not, the friendship will eventually fail anyway, even if the one with romantic feelings doesn’t go all-out and announce his (or her) intentions. This has certainly been the case when I started to have feelings for a male friend, especially if he already had a girlfriend, that I would feel too uncomfortable having to hide my feelings.

**Yes. **

So the OP should really consider, would he be happy just staying friends with this young woman if she does not return his romantic feelings? If he would be miserable either way, then perhaps the best thing to do is for him to declare himself.

Yes.

ETA: I should also point out that one reason I was so clueless about my friend’s true intentions is that this occurred at a time when I had pretty low self-esteem, did not see myself as attractive to men, and it just didn’t occur to me that anyone would actually like me “that way”. Hopefully this is not the case with the OP’s friend.

 

[Xantippe]

Hi Richard

I support your decision to ask her out then. But don’t declare you undying love for her, unless she says she feels that way first, and only tell her you love her if it’s the truth.

**Yes. **

Otherwise, just ask her out and don’t make a big deal about it no matter what she says, okay?

Yes!

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

so many years … gulp! very strong possibility the OP is in the friendzone.

He needs to escalate out of that. tease and flirt. Luigi is correct about this. Don’t talk directly about his feelings for her, definitely don’t say “love”, just show her through the escalation. If response is favorable, then escalate again by asking her out on a “date” date. Good to have a typical couples who are together activity on this date. Like social dancing or something along those lines. But remember all life and relationships involve risk, the OP risks losing the friendship, but sooner or later he has to escalate with her and be prepared to move on if it fails. Remaining platonic friends with her is really not an option IMHO.

Good luck

 

[underacloud]

I’d add that it’s important to make it clear that with either a yes or a no, you still will value and respect her as a person, and you don’t value her only as a prospective girlfriend. You understand that she has intrinsic value aside from a relationship with you.

Yes, important to make it clear how much you value them as a person.

This may even help turn an intitial no into a yes down the track.

 

[Richard_White]

I’m going insane today as I hear from one of her girlfriends that she doesn’t like me in the way that I want. She’s the only girl that I ever felt truly did care about me in the things that she said and did. Maybe my friend is wrong, but I am just so distraught that I can’t do anything right now. Please pray for me that everything will work out.

Thank you all so much for your concern!

May God bless you all!

 

[underacloud]

I’m going insane today as I hear from one of her girlfriends that she doesn’t like me in the way that I want. She’s the only girl that I ever felt truly did care about me in the things that she said and did. Maybe my friend is wrong, but I am just so distraught that I can’t do anything right now. Please pray for me that everything will work out.

Thank you all so much for your concern!

May God bless you all!

I’m sorry this doesn’t seem to be working out for you Richard. I will pray for you that things will work out. I think you should be prepared for the strong possibility that this is how things are working out and this girl isn’t the one for you.

I hate to say it, but usually when you hear this sort of thing from a friend it’s a bit of a blow-off. I’d say this girl you like and her friends have noticed your interest, and she is perhaps trying to save you the embarrassment of asking her out when she will be saying no.

There’s only one way to find out, and it may help you to know for sure. But I’d be starting to think about other girls at this point in time…plenty of fish in the sea.

 

[runwaymodel]

Flirting just seems juvenile and passive aggressive at this point. If you truly have feelings for this girl just ask her out to a nice dinner. You can bring a single rose or flower on the day of the date. It’s simple but shows intent, plus it’s a very sweet gesture. Unless you want to remain in the unknown ‘friend zone’ forever, go ahead and ask her out. Good luck!

 

[runwaymodel]

I’m sorry this doesn’t seem to be working out for you Richard. I will pray for you that things will work out. I think you should be prepared for the strong possibility that this is how things are working out and this girl isn’t the one for you.

I hate to say it, but usually when you hear this sort of thing from a friend it’s a bit of a blow-off. I’d say this girl you like and her friends have noticed your interest, and she is perhaps trying to save you the embarrassment of asking her out when she will be saying no.

There’s only one way to find out, and it may help you to know for sure. But I’d be starting to think about other girls at this point in time…plenty of fish in the sea.

Perhaps, or perhaps not. Females can be very catty and she may just be give him false information or assumptions about her friend.
But OP, remember, the answer will always be ‘no’ if you don’t try. At least if you ask her out you will either be pleasantly surprised or have your answer… Either way I believe it’s the best solution.

 

[Anglewannabe]

If all women are like me, you are definitely in the friend zone. After 4 years, there is NO way I would not have let the guy know I liked him and I am the shyest woman you could meet.

And on the other hand, I would be VERY weary of dating someone who likes you and after 4 years did not drop one hint. Too insecure to be a good girlfriend.

Angie

 

[CthgeDelendaEst]

Sorry you are in this situation. I’m curious about one thing - has she been dating other men during your friendship? And if so, does she share details of her dates & heartbreak with you? If so, I’m sorry to say you are in the friendzone. She does not currently see you as a romantic suitor. My advice will sound counter-intuitive, but if you want any chance of starting a relationship with her you need to ignore her for a while. Radio silence. Use the time for self-improvement prayer, and reflection. Then when you do re-establish contact, let her know you are not interested in friendship, you are interested in her romantically. Then be prepared to walk away. It will be torture to watch her date/marry another man. High risk/high reward is the way to go. I’d rather **** out now than waste more time in her orbit if there is no hope. Good luck.

 

[Xantippe]

Sorry you are in this situation. I’m curious about one thing - has she been dating other men during your friendship? And if so, does she share details of her dates & heartbreak with you? If so, I’m sorry to say you are in the friendzone. She does not currently see you as a romantic suitor. My advice will sound counter-intuitive, but if you want any chance of starting a relationship with her you need to ignore her for a while. Radio silence. Use the time for self-improvement prayer, and reflection. Then when you do re-establish contact, let her know you are not interested in friendship, you are interested in her romantically. Then be prepared to walk away. It will be torture to watch her date/marry another man. High risk/high reward is the way to go. I’d rather **** out now than waste more time in her orbit if there is no hope. Good luck.

Ay yay yay.

“I don’t value your friendship. Are you free Saturday night?”

Nope nope nope.

 

[angelic06]

Hi all!

Does anyone have any advice about this situation:

I’ve known this girl for a very long time now, going on four years, with three of them as us being very close. She gets me and I get her very well, and I have just come to love her very much. About half of the time I believe that she has feelings for me too by the way she acts and talks with me. However, other times I feel as if she could care less in that regard.

So, does anyone have any advice for about how I should approach basically just telling her I care for her very much other than simply doing it.

Thanks everyone and God bless!

Mr. White,

If I may ask before I post a reply: how old are you and how old is this woman?

 

[CthgeDelendaEst]

Ay yay yay.

“I don’t value your friendship. Are you free Saturday night?”

Nope nope nope.

With respect, have you ever courted a woman? I have. Have you ever been friendzoned? I have. My advice stands.

 

[Xantippe]

With respect, have you ever courted a woman? I have. Have you ever been friendzoned? I have. My advice stands.

I’m a married woman.

If you want to ask a woman out, ask her out. Don’t tell her that she’s worthless to you except sexually and then try to ask her out.

 

[CthgeDelendaEst]

I’m a married woman.

If you want to ask a woman out, ask her out. Don’t tell her that she’s worthless to you except sexually and then try to ask her out.

I didn’t say a word about sex. This is a Catholic site, correct?

 

[Xantippe]

I didn’t say a word about sex. This is a Catholic site, correct?

I would really earnestly caution you not to ever tell a woman that her friendship is worthless to you outside of a romantic relationship.

It’s true that if you love her deeply, you might not be able to remain in close contact with her if a romantic relationship doesn’t develop, but objectively speaking, if she is worthy of being a prospective wife, she is worthy of being a friend, and her friendship is objectively valuable.

 

[Richard_White]

Mr. White,

If I may ask before I post a reply: how old are you and how old is this woman?

We’re both 17 years old. Not exactly ready to go off and get married haha. I really just want some companionship in these last eight or so months before I go to college, and I think she’s the one for me. And then, whatever God wills.

May God bless you all! Merry Christmas!

 

[ToeInTheWater]

We’re both 17 years old. Not exactly ready to go off and get married haha. I really just want some companionship in these last eight or so months before I go to college, and I think she’s the one for me. And then, whatever God wills.

May God bless you all! Merry Christmas!

Hey Richard - thanks for the information, knowing your age doesn’t surprise me much, I figured you must be young if you’re relying on gossip from her friends to gauge her interest. Also, if you are both 17, from your OP that means you met when you were 13 and that makes it more understandable that it’s taken this long for you to consider pursuing an actual relationship.

Please don’t take as gospel some of the posters here who make it out like all women act the same when it comes to romantic relationships. Some draw a very strong line between “friend” and “suitor” and have this romantic fantasy of Mr. Right coming along and sweeping them off their feet, but NOT all of them. Many women DO wind up later having feelings for men who start out as friends. (And not all men see female companionship and friendship that doesn’t lead to romance as a “waste of time” even though some do).

However, I will say I am a little confused by your last post. If you’re only interested in dating this girl for “companionship” before heading off to college and think you’ll never see her again after that, then I question whether that reward is worth the risk. I mean, don’t you already have her “companionship” as a friend?

Now, if you think she really is the “one” as in having long-term potential, then certainly, that would change the risk-benefit ratio somewhat. In the end, the only real way to know how she feels is to ask, not go by what her friends say.

 

[Xantippe]

Hey Richard - thanks for the information, knowing your age doesn’t surprise me much, I figured you must be young if you’re relying on gossip from her friends to gauge her interest. Also, if you are both 17, from your OP that means you met when you were 13 and that makes it more understandable that it’s taken this long for you to consider pursuing an actual relationship.

Please don’t take as gospel some of the posters here who make it out like all women act the same when it comes to romantic relationships. Some draw a very strong line between “friend” and “suitor” and have this romantic fantasy of Mr. Right coming along and sweeping them off their feet, but NOT all of them. Many women DO wind up later having feelings for men who start out as friends. (And not all men see female companionship and friendship that doesn’t lead to romance as a “waste of time” even though some do).

However, I will say I am a little confused by your last post. If you’re only interested in dating this girl for “companionship” before heading off to college and think you’ll never see her again after that, then I question whether that reward is worth the risk. I mean, don’t you already have her “companionship” as a friend?

Now, if you think she really is the “one” as in having long-term potential, then certainly, that would change the risk-benefit ratio somewhat. In the end, the only real way to know how she feels is to ask, not go by what her friends say.

Right.