A question for wives... about husbands

[Serap]

Oh, yeah, every man I know is going to circle that one on his calendar in red!

Seriously, though, it is not a bad idea to have a regular time set aside for planning, goal-setting, or to have big discussions. That’s actually a really good idea. I just wouldn’t make it the night set aside for emotional dumping, but rather the “how’s the big picture going?” night. If there is something emotional on the table right now, clear some calendar today, as soon as it can be arranged, talk about as close to now as you can manage, then move on.

I was thinking that…even if I had it scheduled, as soon as my hubby hears “wa wa wa wa”…I’m stonewalled…scheduled or not

 

[teresadeavila]

We women can talk husbands ear off, but then there are hubbies out there who tend to clam up, are very introverted, or just do not think they need to share their thoughts and emotions with their wives. It’s a very typical complaint, ask any marriage counselor.

My hubby is like that, too so you are not alone! I have learned not to try to engage in discussions right after work, as he’s hungry, tired, and not in the mood - when kids are in bed and he’s had some time to relax a bit, I’ll try to talk to him then. And you cannot expect them to spill their guts, deepest emotions/fears every day - and you have to be very gentle and not nag him to talk to you.

 

[shainski]

I’ve noticed this, too, in our marriage.

We have little kids running around. We’re both tired a lot. When I come or go - it seems that my wife is often on the phone (or the computer). So we’re preoccupied with other things.

She’ll ask why i didn’t say “goodbye” to her. But she was on the phone, so i just left.

She’ll volunteer for something - then it turns out to be a bigger deal than she thought. So she’ll be up with her organizing hours after the kids go to bed.

When we do talk, we often have actual issues to discuss. "You need to pick up “M” at 5:30, I’ll take “H” to dance. “J” has been invited to a birthday party on Saturday from 2 to 4.

So by the time, i get a “What do you want for dinner”. My answer is “I don’t care - whatever”. I know it’s too late to make a real choice - and truthfully, I don’t care - let’s just open a can of soup and have some fruit with it.

If we don’t talk after the kids go to bed, we won’t have a lot of time to talk. They seem to have some kind of radar to know exactly the way to sabotage any conversation at a critical moment. So, yeah, the answers do get put down as single word answers without a lot of followup.

It seems to me that the best way to talk would be to actually have a set time (say Tuesday nights after dinner). Turn off televisions, radios, computers, phones (Yes, even the phone - especially the phone). Pour a couple of glasses of iced tea - sit on the back porch - and talk.

anyway, I’m only a man - but that’s my take on it.

 

[choose_to_love]

@easterjoy: I know you were joking, but hey, time to man up, Mr. Deb, your bride needs you to share with her! I don’t always like it on “issue nite” either, but it is necessary sometimes.

Heck, they could talk about all the crazy responses Deb gets to her posts!

 

[LucyLight]

During our marriage prep the couseling couple made a point to say to my husband that it is not okay to not talk to your wife and that women need verbal communication in marriage. They said this is a common problem in marriages (husbands not talking to their wives).

My husband is very extroverted and talks to everyone, but he sometimes still does this to me. If he starts ignoring me I do call him out on it and he just apologizes and snaps out of it. I think guys just need you to tell them how they are making you feel. Women are usually more sensitive to the needs of others than men are, so he may just not be aware of what your needs are.

Btw, don’t let anyone tell you that you are nagging. Wanting to have a conversation with your husband is not nagging.

 

[Actaeon]

I have been with my husband for 6 years, and married to him for 2. He is a fantastic person, and we have a very good marriage.

Recently however, I’ve been having a difficult time getting him to engage in conversations with me. I mean sure, we mention how our day was and what we saw on TV or what is going on in the news and how much we dislike Obama… but I feel like we haven’t had strong, in depth, intimate communication in a while… the type that makes you feel close and connected to your spouse afterwards.

I try to talk to him and provoke conversation by asking him questions but he usually just responds with one word answers or with “I don’t know”… and when I say something to him like “talk to me” he just says “I don’t have anything to say.”

This started happening more and more while I was trying to just have a good conversations with him, but now it’s gotten to the point where it’s infiltrated into our little fights/arguments.

When we get into one of our little spats, it usually ends in me getting very grumpy and instead of him trying to talk it out with me, he just shuts down. I mean he completely just shuts down. He turns around, walks away, sits at his computer desk and starts doing whatever he does. And when I tell him how I feel and try to get him to talk to me, he just sits in silence and says “I don’t have anything else to say… I don’t know what to say.”

I know it sounds extremely petty, and considering this is the worst of our marital “problems,” I probably shouldn’t even be complaining. But I’ve just began feeling a sense of intimate “disconnect” with him recently because of it. And I worry that this is going to end up hindering the strong, intimate, emotional connection that spouses are supposed to have with each other.

Ladies… is this normal? Is it just a normal “guy” thing that is just now coming out since we’ve been together so long?

Guys… are you able to shed some light here from a man’s perspective??

Oi, the old men are from mars question here… and it’s true that sometimes it seems as if the genders really ARE from different planets!

Keep in mind that if your husband was raised in any sort of traditional group of males, or if his friend circle consisted of a general group of males, that his upbringing probably had little to do with discussing how things made him FEEL. Because we’re so used to discussing WHAT happened and WHAT we did about it, going on a limb and constantly discussing how things made us FEEL can be taxing for a guy.

You may have noticed this before in another way: you have a problem, you want to discuss it with him because you want a bit of sympathy, but he keeps trying to suggest solutions or to jump in and help you rather than just listening to your frustrations. This is because, again, guys aren’t really encouraged to just voice frustration… we expect ourselves and other guys around us to just work on things.

Another thing has already been presented as well: we stress about things, and stressing about things means “man-cave”… as in, a psychological phenomenon that when guys are upset we tend to shut down a bit (retreat to the trained behavior of working something out rather than discussing it). Often times, this can mean that CONTINUING to discuss an issue can cause us to get even more inflamed, as we become frustrated with attempting to put to words an emotion we aren’t used to expressing.

So to put it bluntly, he’s never going to respond to a request to discuss things at a “deeper” level the same way that one of your female friends might… it’s just not in our cards! That’s why love is about SO much more than emotional intimacy… or, as Antoine du Saint-Exupery put it, “Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction”… are you guys investing in time together that ISN’T required to be filled with talking about intimate details? After all, eventually you run out of things to talk to each other about… you feel like you’ve discussed all the formative aspects of your life before meeting the person, and since the two of you got together, you’ve experienced the rest of those formative things together, so it’s not worth telling a story about it… you’ve got to have SOMETHING to do about those times when you just don’t have anything new that’s insightful to share. True love that lasts is expressed best when you can sit quietly eating cereal together without NEEDING to talk, and that is expressed by loving other things TOGETHER (example: my girlfriend and I love to swing dance, we run a swing dancing venue together and have a blast at it… I can’t imagine how paltry our accomplishments in that regard would be if we weren’t working and building to the same thing together… but at the same time, we don’t sit down and have heart to heart emotional discussions on swing dancing).

So maybe stress a little less… he’s not being distant, he’s just being a guy (not to say that ALL guys are the same in this regard, but there must be SOME accounting for social conditioning as it applies to guys).

Okay, a final note: guys express love and intimacy by action rather than talking. Perhaps train yourself to look at the little things that he does for you as expressions of a sentiment that he has a hard time putting to words. I love my girlfriend in countless ways that I would have a hard time putting to words, but you’d better believe that when she’s sick I will cook the h*ll out of some gourmet vegetarian “chicken” noodle soup to feed her until she’s better! When you learn to see the emotion that he puts into what he does, I imagine that you’ll find more expression than you expect!

 

[Debora123]

Thank you all for the responses… it seems like I am not alone in this… not by a long shot.

…And I guess that’s all I really wanted to know. I just wanted to make sure this is something relatively “normal” for men.

For the people who suggested he might be “hiding” something, lol, no he is not hiding anything. We are very open with each other and we know each other inside and out and I know that he would never do anything to betray me. …He just seems to be lacking a little bit in the conversation department recently. And also, he is by nature a more quiet, conservative type of person.

Some people here suggested that when we are having an argument and he stops talking, what he is doing is stonewalling me as sort of a self defense mechanism to my nagging. I too believe this is probably the case. I’ll be the first to admit I can definitely be a handful. …And while I like to talk and talk and talk when we’re upset at each other, he’d rather just take a time out and let things pass.

I do believe that part of the reason why he’s recently seemed a little bit more “distant” verbally is because he has been under a lot of stress. Back in May he sent out his application packet to the Air Force, in hopes of being selected for a pilot position. We’ve spent the past 4 months in limbo, waiting to hear back from the AF while our financial situation has been pretty unsteady.

This morning we finally got a phone call from his recruiter, giving him the news that YES the Air Force has selected him for a pilot position and that he will be starting officer training school hopefully as early as January. We’ve been super happy and celebrating all day, and it has been a huge weight off our shoulders.

Hopefully this good news will put him more at ease and he will once again feel more relaxed and open.

 

[EasterJoy]

P.s. I wanted to add that although we might not always have the “deep” talks that I thrive on, every day my husband tells me he loves me and I have to fight him off morning till night so if those elements are still active and thriving I would say it’s a phase of marriage and/or down to stress.

I think you’re OK. Still, I would ask him about this, in particular:

*…it’s gotten to the point where it’s infiltrated into our little fights/arguments.

When we get into one of our little spats, it usually ends in me getting very grumpy and instead of him trying to talk it out with me, he just shuts down. I mean he completely just shuts down. He turns around, walks away, sits at his computer desk and starts doing whatever he does. And when I tell him how I feel and try to get him to talk to me, he just sits in silence and says “I don’t have anything else to say… I don’t know what to say”…*

Ask him how he experiences those times. If he feels he is emotionally flooding (for instance, so angry he knows he’ll lose control or say something he probably doesn’t mean and that he’s going to regret if he sticks around) or if he just needs to have a “time out” from the spat because he senses the argument is nowhere, that’s something you can agree on. Still, talking about and negotiating how you are going to navigate your conflicts and disagreements is well worth doing. For instance, if you had an agreed upon way that either of you could say “Time out!” instead of just leaving the field of conflict and ignoring the other one, that would be much better. I think to the one left on the field, so to speak, it would feel less like a withdrawal of love or a withdrawal from the relationship, and it would make it easier for you to just let him go to the den, which is probably all he wants, anyway. Do take a calm moment to let each other know what’s going on in your heads during those times, though; otherwise, you will start guessing, and when you’re angry and worried and tired, the guesses can be wildly inaccurate and counter-productive.

For instance, in the case cited, I’m guessing that all you want to hear is that he needs a cool-down period or that he feels the discussion won’t go anywhere until one or both of you changes mood. He may think instead that what you actually want is to drag him back into the discussion. You could have a way for him to say that he’s done with the discussion and yet also tell you that you shouldn’t take that to mean he’s done with you as a person. Then you could let it drop and not worry that you’ve driven a wedge into your marriage itself.

 

[LucyLight]

We women can talk husbands ear off, but then there are hubbies out there who tend to clam up, are very introverted, or just do not think they need to share their thoughts and emotions with their wives. It’s a very typical complaint, ask any marriage counselor.

My hubby is like that, too so you are not alone! I have learned not to try to engage in discussions right after work, as he’s hungry, tired, and not in the mood - when kids are in bed and he’s had some time to relax a bit, I’ll try to talk to him then. And you cannot expect them to spill their guts, deepest emotions/fears every day - and you have to be very gentle and not nag him to talk to you.

You shouldn’t have to bend over backwards that far to get your spouse to talk to you. I agree with not engaging right after work, I never want to talk then either. However, saying you have to be very gentle and not nag him is trying too hard.

Husbands withholding conversation is like wives withholding sex. Sometimes it’s a powertrip, sometimes it’s selfishishness and sometimes it’s just not understanding what your spouses needs are.

If I only had sex with my husband after he cleaned the house and bought me flowers than I wouldn’t really be giving myself to my husband. In the same way, if I my husband only talked to me after all of his needs were met and I approached him in the right way than he also wouldn’t be giving himself to me.

 

[Debora123]

I think you’re OK. Still, I would ask him about this, in particular:

*…it’s gotten to the point where it’s infiltrated into our little fights/arguments.

When we get into one of our little spats, it usually ends in me getting very grumpy and instead of him trying to talk it out with me, he just shuts down. I mean he completely just shuts down. He turns around, walks away, sits at his computer desk and starts doing whatever he does. And when I tell him how I feel and try to get him to talk to me, he just sits in silence and says “I don’t have anything else to say… I don’t know what to say”…*

Ask him how he experiences those times. If he feels he is emotionally flooding (for instance, so angry he knows he’ll lose control or say something he probably doesn’t mean and that he’s going to regret if he sticks around) or if he just needs to have a “time out” from the spat because he senses the argument is nowhere, that’s something you can agree on. Still, talking about and negotiating how you are going to navigate your conflicts and disagreements is well worth doing. For instance, if you had an agreed upon way that either of you could say “Time out!” instead of just leaving the field of conflict and ignoring the other one, that would be much better. I think to the one left on the field, so to speak, it would feel less like a withdrawal of love or a withdrawal from the relationship, and it would make it easier for you to just let him go to the den, which is probably all he wants, anyway. Do take a calm moment to let each other know what’s going on in your heads during those times, though; otherwise, you will start guessing, and when you’re angry and worried and tired, the guesses can be wildly inaccurate and counter-productive.

For instance, in the case cited, I’m guessing that all you want to hear is that he needs a cool-down period or that he feels the discussion won’t go anywhere until one or both of you changes mood. He may think instead that what you actually want is to drag him back into the discussion. You could have a way for him to say that he’s done with the discussion and yet also tell you that you shouldn’t take that to mean he’s done with you as a person. Then you could let it drop and not worry that you’ve driven a wedge into your marriage itself.

Yeah, it’s definitely that he just wants a time out. He’s not an angry/lose control type of person. He’s extremely laid back.

Thank you for the advice, you sound like you’ve had a lot of practice.

 

[LucyLight]

This morning we finally got a phone call from his recruiter, giving him the news that YES the Air Force has selected him for a pilot position and that he will be starting officer training school hopefully as early as January. We’ve been super happy and celebrating all day, and it has been a huge weight off our shoulders.

Hopefully this good news will put him more at ease and he will once again feel more relaxed and open.

Congratulations, that’s wonderful news! . It sounds like it was just stress on his part. I’m sure things will greatly improve having this weight off both of your shoulders.

 

[Serap]

During our marriage prep the couseling couple made a point to say to my husband that it is not okay to not talk to your wife and that women need verbal communication in marriage. They said this is a common problem in marriages (husbands not talking to their wives).

My husband is very extroverted and talks to everyone, but he sometimes still does this to me. If he starts ignoring me I do call him out on it and he just apologizes and snaps out of it. I think guys just need you to tell them how they are making you feel. Women are usually more sensitive to the needs of others than men are, so he may just not be aware of what your needs are.

Btw, don’t let anyone tell you that you are nagging. Wanting to have a conversation with your husband is not nagging.

Many men will “not snap out of it”…you are lucky.

Many men will and do see it as nagging. We see it differently…men often hear “wa wa wa wa”

 

[Serap]

You shouldn’t have to bend over backwards that far to get your spouse to talk to you. I agree with not engaging right after work, I never want to talk then either. However, saying you have to be very gentle and not nag him is trying too hard.

Husbands withholding conversation is like wives withholding sex. Sometimes it’s a powertrip, sometimes it’s selfishishness and sometimes it’s just not understanding what your spouses needs are.

If I only had sex with my husband after he cleaned the house and bought me flowers than I wouldn’t really be giving myself to my husband. In the same way, if I my husband only talked to me after all of his needs were met and I approached him in the right way than he also wouldn’t be giving himself to me.

I agree with Teresdeavila…some men need a more gentle approach. You have an approach that works in your marriage and that is great.

 

[Serap]

Yeah, it’s definitely that he just wants a time out. He’s not an angry/lose control type of person. He’s extremely laid back.

Thank you for the advice, you sound like you’ve had a lot of practice.

My husband often gets flooded with emotions with daily life and he needs “time outs” throughout the day…sometimes for days. I have learned to just leave him alone when he’s in his emotional “cave”.

 

[Serap]

congrats Debora for your husband’s advancement!

 

[ahs]

I’ll offer another guy’s perspective. I’m not saying your husband will fit this, but it’s at least another look into the head of a man.

My wife used to have to work really hard to drag my thoughts out of me, if she REALLY wanted to know what was on my mind. What I ended up doing was:

1 - I figured out why I didn’t like to communicate much…why I liked to just be quiet. Aside from the “normal” guy-ness…I also discovered that I had a subconscious fear of sharing my emotions and feelings…something that was fine and dandy for a relationship with the rest of the world, but wasn’t going to pass muster for my marriage.

2 - I also learned that, even though it’s “normal” for guys to not talk much, I also could not expect my wife to know ANYTHING that was going through my head because she can’t read my mind. When we were having arguments and I just shut-down, she was left with the responsibility of figuring out how to solve our problem, and I got off easy (if she actually let me stay shut down…but I can tell you “mrs ahs” don’t play that tune ).

3 - Then I read a book on love languages, and I realized that if I wanted to speak my wife’s love-language, I had to learn to communicate what I was thinking and feeling.

Now she can’t get me to shut up.

 

[Serap]

I’ll offer another guy’s perspective. I’m not saying your husband will fit this, but it’s at least another look into the head of a man.

My wife used to have to work really hard to drag my thoughts out of me, if she REALLY wanted to know what was on my mind. What I ended up doing was:

1 - I figured out why I didn’t like to communicate much…why I liked to just be quiet. Aside from the “normal” guy-ness…I also discovered that I had a subconscious fear of sharing my emotions and feelings…something that was fine and dandy for a relationship with the rest of the world, but wasn’t going to pass muster for my marriage.

2 - I also learned that, even though it’s “normal” for guys to not talk much, I also could not expect my wife to know ANYTHING that was going through my head because she can’t read my mind. When we were having arguments and I just shut-down, she was left with the responsibility of figuring out how to solve our problem, and I got off easy (if she actually let me stay shut down…but I can tell you “mrs ahs” don’t play that tune ).

3 - Then I read a book on love languages, and I realized that if I wanted to speak my wife’s love-language, I had to learn to communicate what I was thinking and feeling.

Now she can’t get me to shut up.

Good for you! Your wife is very lucky. Many men think the “nagging” wife is the problem.

 

[LucyLight]

I agree with Teresdeavila…some men need a more gentle approach. You have an approach that works in your marriage and that is great.

So if you don’t approach him in a certain way than he wont talk to you? You’re not helping your spouse to become holy if you teach them that it’s okay to treat you that way. There are some things that should be expected in marriage, like conversation, sex, fidelity etc. If a man describes having a conversation with his wife as nagging than he probably is not very interested in meeting her needs. Btw, sometimes I get caught up in my own things and I forget about my husband and he’ll let me know. It’s flattering cause I know he just wants to spend time with me.

 

[LucyLight]

I’ll offer another guy’s perspective. I’m not saying your husband will fit this, but it’s at least another look into the head of a man.

My wife used to have to work really hard to drag my thoughts out of me, if she REALLY wanted to know what was on my mind. What I ended up doing was:

1 - I figured out why I didn’t like to communicate much…why I liked to just be quiet. Aside from the “normal” guy-ness…I also discovered that I had a subconscious fear of sharing my emotions and feelings…something that was fine and dandy for a relationship with the rest of the world, but wasn’t going to pass muster for my marriage.

2 - I also learned that, even though it’s “normal” for guys to not talk much, I also could not expect my wife to know ANYTHING that was going through my head because she can’t read my mind. When we were having arguments and I just shut-down, she was left with the responsibility of figuring out how to solve our problem, and I got off easy (if she actually let me stay shut down…but I can tell you “mrs ahs” don’t play that tune ).

3 - Then I read a book on love languages, and I realized that if I wanted to speak my wife’s love-language, I had to learn to communicate what I was thinking and feeling.

Now she can’t get me to shut up.

This is such a good post! You’re a great example of how to give youself to your spouse. Mrs ahs sounds pretty awesome too .

 

[underacloud]

Men like to talk about what we know, and what they did. They don’t like to talk (except for ones like me) about what they think. And we certainly don’t want to talk about what we feel. So show some interest in ‘know’ (prepared to learn about things you are not excited by; and ‘did’ (prepared to be equally unecited). Eventually you will get to a bit of the ‘think’ and ‘feel’ which seems to interest women.

I think this sums up some of the key gender differences well.

I’m a man, so the following are my own male-perspective thoughts…which may or may not reflect how men generally think…

a) If you want to develop conversational skills in your marriage, begin by engaging him in topics of conversation he will be most willing to participate in. Talk about the football. Talk about his favourite type of burger. Talk about your sex life. Etc…

b) Once you can develop good communication patterns on such topics, you’ll be able to subtly draw him in to other topics. If you lead with difficult topics, you’re more likely to get stonewalled. If you develop strong communication in unimportant topics, these skills and willingness to converse may (hopefully) carry over.

c) Men don’t like talking about problems that they can’t solve. Men like to fix things, and protect their wife, family, etc. If there is a problem that he cannot possibly solve, he’d rather not hear about it at all. Or even worse…if there’s a problem with a clear solution, but you won’t act on it, don’t put him in the position of offering the solution that will be rejected. Men hate that.

d) If he’s had a bad day, don’t push him to talk about it. I hate when my wife does this. Men do not see the point of re-living a terrible day. You can ask if he’d like to talk about it (it’s nice to show you care), but when he says no, let it go.

e) If you can, try to get the TV turned off…even for just a little a while. Men are easily distracted and have trouble with multitasking. Also, many men are easily bored, so if there’s no TV to watch, we’ll even resort to tedious conversation just to fill the silence.