A Question to a Priest's Answer Column from a Catholic Woman: "What If My Best Dates Have Been with Non-Christians?"

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mdgspencer said:
see rcspirituality.org/ask-a-priest-what-if-my-best-dates-have-been-with-non-christians/
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Wow - I could have written that letter, with the exception of online dating that did not exist back then.

I met a guy at mass on Ash Wednesday in college. I was impressed because there was never more than ten students at mass. He took me out to dinner, excused himself for a few minutes to go and talk to someone dining in the restaurant. Upon returning, he told me that he sold drugs and just did a deal. :eek:

Another guy, from a very large devout Catholic family, finally asked me out after many years of knowing each other. Both families were happy until the news broke that hs former girlfriend was expecting their child.

When I told my parents I was getting engaged to my Jewish boyfriend, my mother said “don’t you know any Catholic boys to marry?” Uh, no. But I tried.
 
lax16 said:
Wow - I could have written that letter, with the exception of online dating that did not exist back then.

I met a guy at mass on Ash Wednesday in college. I was impressed because there was never more than ten students at mass. He took me out to dinner, excused himself for a few minutes to go and talk to someone dining in the restaurant. Upon returning, he told me that he sold drugs and just did a deal. :eek:

Another guy, from a very large devout Catholic family, finally asked me out after many years of knowing each other. Both families were happy until the news broke that hs former girlfriend was expecting their child.

When I told my parents I was getting engaged to my Jewish boyfriend, my mother said “don’t you know any Catholic boys to marry?” Uh, no. But I tried.
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There was a post just a while ago were a young man had the same problem but with Catholic women. Maybe he could use some of your advice and wisdom.
 
Naskor said:
There was a post just a while ago were a young man had the same problem but with Catholic women. Maybe he could use some of your advice and wisdom.
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That was me and no, I do not want any advice on the subject. I already got plenty of unwanted advice on that threat, which was supposed to simply be a rant 🙂
 
LaughingBoy1503 said:
That was me and no, I do not want any advice on the subject. I already got plenty of unwanted advice on that threat, which was supposed to simply be a rant 🙂
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Can’t say I blame you there. But that’s kind of how it seems to work here. And yes, most of the non Catholics I have known throughout my life have been nicer than the Catholics. It seems instead of acknowledging that and working to fix it, people deny it, become “offended,” and continue the cycle.

To give you some hope, my husband and I found each other in this big old world and we have been happily married for 18 years. We are both cradle Catholics and are raising our kids to be Catholics. It is possible to find the one you seek if you are patient. On the other hand, most of my siblings have married non Catholics. They are still raising their children Catholic, most are very happy together, and they are living out their married vocation with grace. The most important thing is to center your relationship on respect and have common goals you are working towards together. Don’t lose hope! God has a plan in all of this and all your experiences are shaping you into the person He has intended you to be since the very beginning of time.
 
Here’s a possible explanation for the mystery:

Maybe the woman writing in for advice is automatically filtering the non-Christians/non-Catholics in way that she’s not doing for the Christians/Catholics. She may be choosing to go out with non-Christians that are compatible/have shared interests and filtering out less suitable prospects, while having much lower standards for avowed Christians.

So, I think my advice would be to filter harder for avowed Christians online, making sure that there are other points of compatibility before going on dates with them.
 
Come to think of it, I have an old story from a friend that might also explain the situation.

Years ago, a divorced friend was doing the online dating thing. Friend LOVED high culture–theater, ballet, opera, you name it, and friend was very upfront about it in his dating profile. However, he had the worst time with some of the women he dated. They would swear up and down that they shared his interests, and then he would discover things like 1) she couldn’t name a single ballet and her last involvement with ballet was in early elementary school or 2) she didn’t enjoy the excellent Shakespeare production he had taken her to at all because she was obviously totally unfamiliar with theater.

This was a huge basic compatibility issue for dating my friend, but the women on the online dating site were so desperate that they would lie their socks off. More commonly, you also hear something similar about people lying about how incredibly outdoorsy and athletic they are. Suuuuure you love hiking! It’s stupid, because if you lie about this stuff, your reward is a spouse that drags you out to 3 hour productions of Hamlet, full-day bike rides, or Latin Masses, but some people don’t think.

So, one possibility is that the people the woman is attracting that are non-Christian are sincerely and openly atheists or Muslim, while a lot of the “Christians” are just like the women in my friend’s dating horror stories–willing to say anything to get a foot in the door. Plus, something like 71% of Americans self-identify as Christian–it’s not exactly a select club in the US.
 
lax16 said:
Wow - I could have written that letter, with the exception of online dating that did not exist back then.

I met a guy at mass on Ash Wednesday in college. I was impressed because there was never more than ten students at mass. He took me out to dinner, excused himself for a few minutes to go and talk to someone dining in the restaurant. Upon returning, he told me that he sold drugs and just did a deal. :eek:

Another guy, from a very large devout Catholic family, finally asked me out after many years of knowing each other. Both families were happy until the news broke that hs former girlfriend was expecting their child.

When I told my parents I was getting engaged to my Jewish boyfriend, my mother said “don’t you know any Catholic boys to marry?” Uh, no. But I tried.
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But it is possible to say the same about non-Catholics as well, so this anecdote is not really helpful.

I congratulate you on your engagement, but speaking for myself, I will choose to remain single if I cannot find a Catholic wife.
 
LaughingBoy1503 said:
That was me and no, I do not want any advice on the subject. I already got plenty of unwanted advice on that threat, which was supposed to simply be a rant 🙂
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I think your average everyday person would immediately know that you were coming from a place of frustration and your post didn’t truly reflect your feelings. But the internet, even the Catholic part of it, has lots of socially awkward people.
 
Naskor said:
I think your average everyday person would immediately know that you were coming from a place of frustration and your post didn’t truly reflect your feelings. But the internet, even the Catholic part of it, has lots of socially awkward people.
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Thank you. Yes, I recanted my previous statements on that thread about practicing Catholic Women not being as nice as secular women. I knew that was not true. But… yeah… get your heart broken a few times, it clouds my judgement sometimes and I can also put my foot in my mouth. I think the majority did understand that. What marveled me was some that seemed to want to rub salt in my wound. God bless them too though.
 
Xantippe said:
Here’s a possible explanation for the mystery:

Maybe the woman writing in for advice is automatically filtering the non-Christians/non-Catholics in way that she’s not doing for the Christians/Catholics. She may be choosing to go out with non-Christians that are compatible/have shared interests and filtering out less suitable prospects, while having much lower standards for avowed Christians.

So, I think my advice would be to filter harder for avowed Christians online, making sure that there are other points of compatibility before going on dates with them.
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I think that is EXTREMLY insightful. Once I met a man who was Catholic, he was forever saying we were a match because we both went to church:rolleyes: He was totally blind to he wanted to live in the country, I wanted to live in the city. After 3 kids he wanted to use ABC I wanted to follow God’s plan etc etc etc
 
This is why I gave up the whole dating game.

It seems to be more hassle than it’s worth.

I just do not have the patience to play the games people like to play.

With my Aspergers, all this song and dance, seems to be above the reach of my meager social skills.
 
Sarcelle said:
This is why I gave up the whole dating game.

It seems to be more hassle than it’s worth.

I just do not have the patience to play the games people like to play.

With my Aspergers, all this song and dance, seems to be above the reach of my meager social skills.
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Agreed. Dating seems more like a hindrance to finding a spouse and a replacement to marriage.
 
Hubby and I met as non-Catholics and converted.

Worked well for us! 👍

Knowing what I know now and what I see…especially around this site…I don’t know if I would have ended up marrying a Catholic man.

Some of the posts I see from other men on this site are just downright scary.

It kind of makes me worried about my three daughters.

Although…our parish has lots and lots of families with young kids. One of my closest girlfriends at Church has a son a little older then my oldest daughter.

She wants him to be a priest…I kinda want to kidnap him for my oldest daughter. They’re already friends with each other.

It’s either that or the deal I sketched out with Pensmama…she’s got 3 sons, I’ve got 3 daughters!
 
Some of the problematic guys are just young and will hopefully out-grow the weirdness.
Kelfa28 said:
Knowing what I know now and what I see…especially around this site…I don’t know if I would have ended up marrying a Catholic man.

Some of the posts I see from other men on this site are just downright scary.

It kind of makes me worried about my three daughters.

Although…our parish has lots and lots of families with young kids. One of my closest girlfriends at Church has a son a little older then my oldest daughter.

She wants him to be a priest…I kinda want to kidnap him for my oldest daughter. They’re already friends with each other.

It’s either that or the deal I sketched out with Pensmama…she’s got 3 sons, I’ve got 3 daughters!
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Naskor said:
All of my family just paired off naturally. My generation is the first to have to do the dating game.
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I’m not sure how “natural” courtships were in the more distant past. 19th century English literature suggests a lot of scheming mamas and aunties were hard at work trying to present their young ladies to best advantage and providing nudges and encouragement to bashful bachelors. (See, for example Mrs. Bennet in Pride and Prejudice or Mrs. Norris in Mansfield Park.)

Getting the young people well married was serious business for middle aged ladies of the past.
 
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