(A Rant) I'm beginning to wonder if there are any men who don't

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Mystic_of_God said:
It’s a great temptation. :o (I have it too, all guys have it)

Just keep looking. No guy will not have the temptation, but some guys (like me) will try to fight it.
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I recently heard a priest say in a homily that over 80% of what he hears in the confessional–from guys–relates to sins of impurity. That’s a high percentage, but I’m betting that other priests would put the number even higher.

It speaks, among other things, to the fact that we live in probably the most highly sexualized society in history. Temptation is literally everywhere–even in church.
 
Hey there shannyk,

There are some of us men that don’t like that stuff or are fighting hard to stay away from that stuff.

Keep your chin up and keep looking. There are those of us that fight the good fight. 👍
 
You should absolutely expect that your spouse/to-be-spouse not engage in these activities. It is not unreasonable. After all, everything you list is a mortal sin.

And, to answer your question-- yes there are men out there who do NOT do any of these things. My DH is one of them. Take heart-- we are in WI. He is a farmer, raised in a devout Catholic household, and he has NO desire to look at porn, go to clubs or anything else. He and I are in total agreement that this is sinful and disgusting behavior.
 
There are guys that don’t-- my DH is one of them. And as so many others have noted, it’s a deliberate, conscious choice on his part.

Actually, I’m really proud of him. He’s brought issues up at work, like complaining to HR when one of the more secluded lab areas (in practice, a men-only area in that small, particular group of engineers) had a bunch of pin-up pictures. HE didn’t want to be subjected to that at work, and was smart enough to frame it in terms of harassment rather than morals or religion.

So the short answer is, yes, there are men who don’t. But given our sex-saturated society, it’s pretty much only the men who have made a clear, conscious choice NOT TO. It’s definitely not the default choice, or the path of least resistance.

Margaret
 
I am a man who started his career in the navy and have been married for 29 years. While ashore, I have been in a club where there was stripping going on, but the interactions between people were far more interesting. On that occasion I sent one of our junior sailors back to the ship when he was trying to contract a prostitute.

I find women beautiful and enjoy admiring them. I have many female friends of many years. It’s a matter of respect!

Porn concerns me for two reasons: firstly it’s sterile, not real - there’s no substitute for the real relationship with my wife; secondly, I fear greatly for the situation of women in the porn environment - have they been held against their will, or dependent on the work for their drug dependencies?

No - I don’t think all men use porn!
 
One BF I had many years ago decided to take me to a porn movie when I was 18. It was gross and monotonous. To me the insult wasn’t that I didn’ measure up to her – for all I knew I did – but that such behavior and images appealed to this man at all. It was like learning that someone close to you, say your big brother, was driven wild by watching maggots eat meat close up, with disco music playing. You would feel degraded just being in the same room with such thoughts, knowing whatever he says to you is filtered through and must be heard in the context of such bizarre reactions to ugliness and filth. Later some friends rented a dirty video they had heard was famous, and he and I joined them in watching it. I didn’t care about the video but I wanted to get out of the house and socialize. BF kept saying he didn’t find it exciting but funny. Uh, yeah, except that it’s not funny and he’s not laughing and he looks like his eyes are going to burst, but I tried to watch with him. Ewww. So then they put on another one and I couldn’t deal with it. I don’t remember but I think I finally got out of there. BF kept going on about how funny they were. :rolleyes: My point is that all the respect I ever entertained for him was gone forever because he liked ugliness. It had nothing to do with jealousy. It had to do with discovering that he wasn’t the person I thought. He also claimed to think a Penthouse someone walked in and offered us was funny. It lay on the floor a long time. Now that I’m old and cynical I realize he left it like that to invite me to read it in case I wanted to try anything in it. Didn’t happen! Then, young and casual, I assumed things lay on floors because everyone was as bad a housekeeper as I was. A few glances into it I couldn’t stand any more. Why would anyone find those monstrously out-of-porportion, painted people doing sickening things entertaining? It makes me physically ill and suffocated and feel like I’m faling in a dark airless cave just to think about those images so many years later. Maybe no one ever understands other people’s addictions, but when someone gets addicted to distilled ugliness, I feel betrayed regardless of what our relationship was, and I can’t help it.
 
shannyk said:
Look at porn that is.

Or go to strip clubs or topless bars.

I’ve really had it with believing that there must be ONE man left who is able to refrain from it.

It something that has broken me down over and over and over again. It’s been devastating to find out that my grandfather, my father, my uncles, my brothers, good friends, boyfriends, husband, and now my SO whom I was convinced was a totally different kind of guy, ALL look at it.

What’s worse, is I’m looked at as some sort of supreme prude for not accepting this as OK.

I’m tired. I give up. And I’m really tired of hearing excuses.

What is it that is so enticing to men about some strangers breasts? Or rear end? Or whatever body part they may be fixated on? Don’t men realize that there are millions of women in the world who have these parts and there are actually women who love them enough to let them see these parts and be intimate with them IN REAL LIFE??(I’m talking wives) Do they not realize that there are women who would actually be interested in loving them, and making love to them not just taking advantage of them, and taking their money?? No, that never seems to be as appealing as some skank bent over on the computer screen. I’m sorry, but there is no mincing words with me on this subject anymore. It’s disgusting.

At this point, I just am not interested. In men, in relationships, in excuses, in anything. I refuse to accept this sick perversion as normal and I refuse to accept that I shouldn’t be bothered by it, and grossed out by it, or that I shouldn’t take it personally. That’s crud.
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I don’t blame you. But there are men who refrain–my husband is one. Not that he has never been to a strip club or ever looked at porn (we both did that together in the early stages of our marriage before really surrendering our selfish selves to Christ:blush: ) …but he does not now, and hasn’t probably since the first or second year of our marriage. I think that men and women are capable of sinning sexually, just in different ways–and people can change, if they give themselves over to Christ. If a man say struggled with porn or something in his past–but has totally changed now–it is the now that matters, not the sins of his past–if he is repentant.

So, don’t despair. They are out there.:o God bless!
 
shannyk said:
I had to go back to your post again and point this out, because I don’t think many men really ‘get’ what it does to a woman who cares about him. In my experience they just don’t see the depth to which it affects the women in their lives, not just wives but all women; daughters, nieces etc. It’s just so…hurtful. I think I’d rather be beaten up than go through the pain of knowing that about someone.
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I’m sorry you’re going thru this Shanny. I have been going thru this on and off for 2 yrs with my husband.

I know there are men who don’t look at porn and don’t I wish my husband was one of those men. Yes, he tries hard not to fall, but everytime he falls he hurts me so much… the last time I found it (2-3 wks ago) after an argument he told me that it has nothing to do with how much he loves me. Sometimes men are introduced to it early in their lives, my husband was introduced to it in 7th grade and was addicted to the point he’d miss work just to look at porn before we got married (and I had no idea about this) until a few months after we got married and he had looked at it from month one of our marriage 😦

Please know that it has NOTHING to do with you, but if your SO is not willing to stop and work at it, he’s not someone you’d want to stay with. My case is different since I’m married to the guy…

Again, I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
 
There are a couple of themes here: 1.) yes, there are men out there who don’t, and 2.) pray for the men who do. From personal experience, I was also duped at an early age (in junior high) into thinking that it was a normal thing to look at, and masturbating was just a natural “release” of built-up tension. I spent most of my formative years developing and nurturing those terrible habits. I wouldn’t call it a full-blown addiction, as I was able to stop (with some, but not extreme, hardship). But those things came back to haunt me (as sin would), and it perverted my view of women, and ultimately affected how I acted, even while I wanted to be and thought I was this nice Catholic guy. Many of us just legitimately don’t realize what it does to you, or your relationships - because in very few places nowadays will you be exposed to those ideas. Young men get so little guidance about learning self-control and developing character, its really a tragedy.

Pray for our Church, which stands as probably the last bastion of rationality and reason in this area. I thank God for people like Jason Evert and Christopher West - between the two of them, their work is what opened my eyes to how bad that stuff really is. And yes, it does still hold a powerful draw sometimes, that I have to fight

In short, there are men out there who want to and are willing to fight. But don’t necessarily give up on those caught in it. Some just don’t stop to think about the harm it causes, and we need to draw attention to it.
 
shannyk said:
Look at porn that is.

Or go to strip clubs or topless bars.

I’ve really had it with believing that there must be ONE man left who is able to refrain from it.

It something that has broken me down over and over and over again. It’s been devastating to find out that my grandfather, my father, my uncles, my brothers, good friends, boyfriends, husband, and now my SO whom I was convinced was a totally different kind of guy, ALL look at it.

What’s worse, is I’m looked at as some sort of supreme prude for not accepting this as OK.

I’m tired. I give up. And I’m really tired of hearing excuses.

What is it that is so enticing to men about some strangers breasts? Or rear end? Or whatever body part they may be fixated on? Don’t men realize that there are millions of women in the world who have these parts and there are actually women who love them enough to let them see these parts and be intimate with them IN REAL LIFE??(I’m talking wives) Do they not realize that there are women who would actually be interested in loving them, and making love to them not just taking advantage of them, and taking their money?? No, that never seems to be as appealing as some skank bent over on the computer screen. I’m sorry, but there is no mincing words with me on this subject anymore. It’s disgusting.

At this point, I just am not interested. In men, in relationships, in excuses, in anything. I refuse to accept this sick perversion as normal and I refuse to accept that I shouldn’t be bothered by it, and grossed out by it, or that I shouldn’t take it personally. That’s crud.
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Your right. There is no excuse. There are men who don’t do it, though. They may be hard to find…
 
Well now I feel like a BAD person (which I already did). I have been addicted to masturbating since I was 11 (I was not Catholic and didn’t know that doing that was wrong till a couple of years ago and I am 12). I know its wrong and I fight like crazy to keep from doing it but I still fall sometimes. I feel awful about it but after reading this thread I feel like the scum of the earth. I don’t date because of it and it rips me apart.
 
Truck said:
Well now I feel like a BAD person (which I already did). I have been addicted to masturbating since I was 11 (I was not Catholic and didn’t know that doing that was wrong till a couple of years ago and I am 12). I know its wrong and I fight like crazy to keep from doing it but I still fall sometimes. I feel awful about it but after reading this thread I feel like the scum of the earth. I don’t date because of it and it rips me apart.
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I don’t think shannyk wanted anyone to feel that way–she was merely venting over something that has taken a choke hold of our society and degrades women, as a result. You are not the scum of the earth–we are ALL sinners. Sexual sin is not the only sin, nor the worst. So, just keep trying…keep going to confession, and asking Mary to intercede for you. She is a powerful Lady! I have been praying the Rosary every day, and it’s remarkable, the positive changes in my life…just even minor ones. So, don’t despair…or feel bad about who you are. You’re a creation of God–don’t ever forget that. Your sins will only keep you from God…if you allow them to. So, keep the faith, and keep up the good fight…it’ll be worth it.
 
whatevergirl said:
I don’t think shannyk wanted anyone to feel that way–she was merely venting over something that has taken a choke hold of our society and degrades women, as a result. You are not the scum of the earth–we are ALL sinners. Sexual sin is not the only sin, nor the worst. So, just keep trying…keep going to confession, and asking Mary to intercede for you. She is a powerful Lady! I have been praying the Rosary every day, and it’s remarkable, the positive changes in my life…just even minor ones. So, don’t despair…or feel bad about who you are. You’re a creation of God–don’t ever forget that. Your sins will only keep you from God…if you allow them to. So, keep the faith, and keep up the good fight…it’ll be worth it.
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thanks. I try really hard. I have been told before that I am forbidden to date until I have stopped masturbating for good. I really am trying to stop
 
Truck said:
thanks. I try really hard. I have been told before that I am forbidden to date until I have stopped masturbating for good. I really am trying to stop
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who told you you’re ‘forbidden to date?’
 
Truck said:
Well now I feel like a BAD person (which I already did). I have been addicted to masturbating since I was 11 (I was not Catholic and didn’t know that doing that was wrong till a couple of years ago and I am 12). I know its wrong and I fight like crazy to keep from doing it but I still fall sometimes. I feel awful about it but after reading this thread I feel like the scum of the earth. I don’t date because of it and it rips me apart.
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Wait-you are TWELVE??? :confused:

Could that be a typo (I’m hoping) as no 12 y.o. should be allowed to date period.
 
Truck said:
a year or so ago I was told (not by anyone on CAF) that according to the church I was not aloud to date until I have gotten rid of the temptation.
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I’m not sure who told you that, but that is not a Church teaching. Everyone has temptations to sin, even after marriage. No one might ever get married if we waited to never have an urge to sin. LOL Perhaps, the person was trying to help you see the damage it could potentially do if you don’t give up the habit/sin, before entering a dating situation. Maybe dating and becoming close to someone could spur on temptation, but…again, we are all sinners. I think that if you keep trying…and looking for ways to combat it…(confession, different ways to focus your mind, etc…) you will kick the habit eventually. I will pray for you, Truck too…and please keep me in your prayers. I sin, albeit different ways, and hope to kick some of my stupid habits…like losing my temper sometimes, or worrying.😊
 
I’m not an expert on this subject, but maybe this will be worthwhile to read.

First, there’s “porn” and “porn”. I agree it’s crude of men to, say, have a stripper jump out at a bachelor party. But that kind of thing is almost just a joke. And while there might be some bit of titillation involved in seeing it, it’s nowhere near the same thing as a real addiction to porn.

I remember a priest once explaining in what I think was a theology class, (long time ago) that the problem with “non sex sex”, by which he meant masturbation, pornography, etc. is that it is distracting. It’s distracting from the proper uses of sex. It can make a man useless as an interactor with real women. It can create unrealistic expectations, but worse, it is a departure from the reality which is richer. It’s like the difference between having a terrific meal and, afterward, sitting in an easy chair, lighting a pipe (if one is into that) pouring a glass of dry sherry and reading the next chapter in a good novel versus gorging, vomiting, gorging, vomiting, etc…a miserable thing.

I am not an expert on sexuality at all. But I do think there is something to the media by which porn is now transmitted. Back when people lived on farms and the closest thing to porn were the underwear ads in the “Monkey Ward” catalogue, it was one thing; not really conducive to addiction, though perhaps to admiration. Now, it’s pervasive and multi-dimensional and bizarre, rather like the gorging, vomiting, etc. It’s like almost anything that is a twist on reality. People do it to others for the money, like the meth dealer who gives the first crystals to a 14 year old. In a way, the 14 year old is not hugely at fault. But he must give it up. It’s not just “fun”. It’s a victimization, not only of the women involved,but of the men as well.

I can’t advise anyone spiritually or psychologically, having no qualifications in either category, but I would say that whoever advised Truck that he should not date until he conquers his addiction is 180 degrees wrong. It is only the reality of a woman that is worthwhile, and, in my mind, dating is the first step in “taking the cure”. Appreciating women maturely as a man takes awhile. Sure, I imagine one would still have to fight against the old addiction, just like an ex-smoker who sucks on losenges still would like a cigarette. But a person has to get into the reality at some point. That’s not to say all will invariably do so. But I think perhaps the first step is to get into the “real world”, and realize that the porn world is not real and must be avoided because it twists reality. I truly think a lot of men don’t realize that.
 
Ridgerunner said:
I remember a priest once explaining in what I think was a theology class, (long time ago) that the problem with “non sex sex”, by which he meant masturbation, pornography, etc. is that it is distracting. It’s distracting from the proper uses of sex. It can make a man useless as an interactor with real women. It can create unrealistic expectations, but worse, it is a departure from the reality which is richer. It’s like the difference between having a terrific meal and, afterward, sitting in an easy chair, lighting a pipe (if one is into that) pouring a glass of dry sherry and reading the next chapter in a good novel versus gorging, vomiting, gorging, vomiting, etc…a miserable thing.
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Well said! 👍 I’ve fallen before, and that’s exactly how it feels - the pleasure you expect never comes, and you feel ill and sickened after doing it.
 
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