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Zarathustra89
Guest
Years now, I have prayed gone to regular confession it does not work.
Thus Spoke Zarathustra
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Thus Spoke Zarathustra
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buckr02
Guest
I am struggling with this myself, but I tell you there is always hope. I have to leave in a few minutes, but I will PM you later and maybe we can talk about it.
–buckr02
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buckr02
Guest
So true. In my case, I didn’t really have the greatest motivation to give up porn until I started to realize how damaging it was to my friendship with my best friend (a girl). I treated her like ****, and I blame the porn. So she and my future wife are my biggest motivations for getting it out of my life.
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caroljm36
Guest
I knew two guys who didn’t get into it and one is my DH. Both were raised strict Catholic back in pre-Vat II days - gee what a coincidence eh?
The first cracked me up - he was real energetic guy, a Korea vet, certainly no prude, but he’d ridicule his grown son and his buddies for looking at Penthouse. “Whatsa matter, you can’t get any** real** women?? Bwahahahaha!” I mean, to him it was a confession of failure. He wouldn’t be caught dead with porn because it reflected on him as a man. I’ve also known guys were into soft porn and I just thought of them as jerkoffs (literally). I didn’t take it personally, but it seemed like they were less than real men, playing with themselves in the bathroom and fantasizing instead of being out doing things in the real world.
But I sure know what you mean. I’m always hearing about friends of friends who are stuck with guys whose lives basically revolve around smoking pot, looking at porn and…you know the rest.
The first cracked me up - he was real energetic guy, a Korea vet, certainly no prude, but he’d ridicule his grown son and his buddies for looking at Penthouse. “Whatsa matter, you can’t get any** real** women?? Bwahahahaha!” I mean, to him it was a confession of failure. He wouldn’t be caught dead with porn because it reflected on him as a man. I’ve also known guys were into soft porn and I just thought of them as jerkoffs (literally). I didn’t take it personally, but it seemed like they were less than real men, playing with themselves in the bathroom and fantasizing instead of being out doing things in the real world.
But I sure know what you mean. I’m always hearing about friends of friends who are stuck with guys whose lives basically revolve around smoking pot, looking at porn and…you know the rest.
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GraceDK
Guest
… “Whatsa matter, you can’t get any** real** women?? Bwahahahaha!” I mean, to him it was a confession of failure. He wouldn’t be caught dead with porn because it reflected on him as a man. I’ve also known guys were into soft porn and I just thought of them as jerkoffs (literally). I didn’t take it personally, but it seemed like they were less than real men, playing with themselves in the bathroom and fantasizing instead of being out doing things in the real world.
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Catholic_Mom_of
Guest
ShannyK-- I’m so sorry for your experiences and that the males in your life have let you down in this way. I think it’s tied into men supposed to being PROTECTORS and providers. It is a betrayal when a man fails to protect a woman or girl he loves (her feelings) by viewing porn. You rightfully felt betrayed by this sin, over and over. It attacked your view of yourself, your self-worth, as well as your ability to see things as they are. Let’s not brush things under the rug and say you need to ‘forgive’. You need to heal, and healing begins with the balm of truth .
You have every right to expect that you will be treasured and loved safely in any future marriage. It is God’s intention that you have a pure and holy (and sexually fulfilling
) marital love.
Since porn viewing indicates a lack of maturity, (among other things) I would never consider dating (much less marrying) anyone who did this habitually.
One who does this is ill-prepared for marriage. He (or she) is not capable of the type of commitment necessary for a solid marriage. He or she may be wounded, yes. He or she needs help, compassion, yes. But he or she is not suitable for a marriage partner, in my opinion. You deserve more. ! And it will be a rocky, rocky, painful road to enter into a marriage with someone who does not see things that way.
Yes, there are men out there who do not view dirty magazines or go to strip clubs! You might have to deal with a guy who wants to play in a basketball league or take up running and compete in 5Ks and such
, but that serves as a healthy outlet (and is often done to counteract and distract oneself from sexual temptation)
Neither my dh nor his close friends did or do the dirty stuff. If dh found himself in a compromising spot, (out with the guys and they decided to go somewhere unsavory) he simply left the group–didn’t necessarily preach to anybody, but just removed himself from the situation *the minute he saw it coming *(I think it helps when a guy decides ahead of time what he’s going to do in any given situation–to have a plan or it’s harder)
And now to you guys who might be struggling with porn–I hope this will help give you some moral support to conquer this (you can!!) :
Do you want to know what a woman will do when you give her your pure love and devotion, your protection and manly strength and shun this habit? (i am talking about in the context of marriage)
She will love you. She will take care of you. She will admire you. She will take pride in cooking meals you like, helping you when you come home weary from a hard day’s work. She will give you strength and encouragement in tough times and she will be devoted to you, defend you til the end of her life. She will make passionate love to you as God intended and give you her gift of sexuality with joy and without reservation. You will have her deepest respect. It will be awesome because it will be what God had in mind all along-- the porn is the counterfeit–the true pure love is what’s real. God cannot be outdone in generosity. Give him your struggle and He will pay you back a thousand-fold. Have courage!
You can do it!!
ShannyK–
I watched someone give my father a Playboy puzzle one Christmas when I was a girl of about 12. I was mortified, betrayed, my breathing quickened. I fought back tears. How could my knight in shining armor accept such a gift? How could he love me if he did? (This feeling was instinctive, mind you–I had not read any books on morality on the topic) . My father immediately noticed me and sensed what I was feeling (I had said nothing) He took that puzzle (it was an unwelcome, supposedly a joke gift–yeah ha ha) and opened it up and shook it into the trash.
“That’s what I think of that, you see? That’s what that is…garbage.” he said to me.
I was so relieved. He WAS who I had always thought he was–my hero…
The standard had been set. My father walked the walk he talked. And from then on I knew the man who would be my husband (who was as of then unknown) would be like HIM.
And I married someone like him. Someone I admire. I respect. Someone who, in some ways, I see is better than me. Someone who can help me on my path to heaven. Your someone is out there. Don’t give up. Keep the faith.
Love and prayers,
Theresa
You have every right to expect that you will be treasured and loved safely in any future marriage. It is God’s intention that you have a pure and holy (and sexually fulfilling
) marital love.Since porn viewing indicates a lack of maturity, (among other things) I would never consider dating (much less marrying) anyone who did this habitually.
One who does this is ill-prepared for marriage. He (or she) is not capable of the type of commitment necessary for a solid marriage. He or she may be wounded, yes. He or she needs help, compassion, yes. But he or she is not suitable for a marriage partner, in my opinion. You deserve more. ! And it will be a rocky, rocky, painful road to enter into a marriage with someone who does not see things that way.
Yes, there are men out there who do not view dirty magazines or go to strip clubs! You might have to deal with a guy who wants to play in a basketball league or take up running and compete in 5Ks and such
, but that serves as a healthy outlet (and is often done to counteract and distract oneself from sexual temptation)Neither my dh nor his close friends did or do the dirty stuff. If dh found himself in a compromising spot, (out with the guys and they decided to go somewhere unsavory) he simply left the group–didn’t necessarily preach to anybody, but just removed himself from the situation *the minute he saw it coming *(I think it helps when a guy decides ahead of time what he’s going to do in any given situation–to have a plan or it’s harder)
And now to you guys who might be struggling with porn–I hope this will help give you some moral support to conquer this (you can!!) :
Do you want to know what a woman will do when you give her your pure love and devotion, your protection and manly strength and shun this habit? (i am talking about in the context of marriage)
She will love you. She will take care of you. She will admire you. She will take pride in cooking meals you like, helping you when you come home weary from a hard day’s work. She will give you strength and encouragement in tough times and she will be devoted to you, defend you til the end of her life. She will make passionate love to you as God intended and give you her gift of sexuality with joy and without reservation. You will have her deepest respect. It will be awesome because it will be what God had in mind all along-- the porn is the counterfeit–the true pure love is what’s real. God cannot be outdone in generosity. Give him your struggle and He will pay you back a thousand-fold. Have courage!
You can do it!!
ShannyK–
I watched someone give my father a Playboy puzzle one Christmas when I was a girl of about 12. I was mortified, betrayed, my breathing quickened. I fought back tears. How could my knight in shining armor accept such a gift? How could he love me if he did? (This feeling was instinctive, mind you–I had not read any books on morality on the topic) . My father immediately noticed me and sensed what I was feeling (I had said nothing) He took that puzzle (it was an unwelcome, supposedly a joke gift–yeah ha ha) and opened it up and shook it into the trash.
“That’s what I think of that, you see? That’s what that is…garbage.” he said to me.
I was so relieved. He WAS who I had always thought he was–my hero…
The standard had been set. My father walked the walk he talked. And from then on I knew the man who would be my husband (who was as of then unknown) would be like HIM.
And I married someone like him. Someone I admire. I respect. Someone who, in some ways, I see is better than me. Someone who can help me on my path to heaven. Your someone is out there. Don’t give up. Keep the faith.
Love and prayers,
Theresa
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GraceDK
Guest
Teresa… what an awesome testimony!
And how lovely you write! let me compliment that
When I read about your dad… even I feel like a scumbag in comparison. That there is a man with his heart in the right place.
And how lovely you write! let me compliment that
When I read about your dad… even I feel like a scumbag in comparison. That there is a man with his heart in the right place.
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Andy_42
Guest
Hi
Eh? … just about every woman i know will quite happily go to watch rugby … not for the sport but for the fact they like watching large muscular men running about, so women are just as bad in a sense.
I think, if the blokes in your life, especially your partner are doing this in front of you then yes you have a right to be upset, but so long as he does it without rubbing your face in it i don’t see a problem.
Andy
Eh? … just about every woman i know will quite happily go to watch rugby … not for the sport but for the fact they like watching large muscular men running about, so women are just as bad in a sense.
I think, if the blokes in your life, especially your partner are doing this in front of you then yes you have a right to be upset, but so long as he does it without rubbing your face in it i don’t see a problem.
Andy
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GraceDK
Guest
:bigyikes:
This is a joke, right?
You compare some of your female secular friends’ tendency to admire a muscular, male upper body with men who, while being in a serious relationship with a woman, have as their hobby to masturbate while they look at naked women and men comitting severe death sin doing sexual stuff that is repulsive, unnatural and fragmented away from every sense of love, responsibility and selvgiving. Look around and open your eyes… people here are severely harmed by this epidemic perverted sexual distortion… and you compare it with looking at man playing sports and say women are just as bad… mate, you gotta understand that this is not about gender… this is about a crime against human dignity and love that is comitted both by men and women every day.
You say you do not see a problem?
Excuse me… but that’s sick.
This is like cheating on your spouse, sleeping around, and then coming home to tell this crying person: “There is not a problem… at any rate… dont take it personally.”
You dont believe in Christ, do you…
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mesurman
Guest
I don’t. I have to set a true example for my four boys in personal comportment and I do not want to disrespect my wife ior my two daughters in anyway. I do not look at porn in any form and I would never go to a topless bar or any of those restaurants that promote waitresses with tight tops and skimpy bottoms.
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Flopfoot
Guest
I’m a man and I don’t look at it. (Could be argued that some of what I’ve seen on the internet is, but it doesn’t qualify as the Church’s definition of porn).
That being said I can understand why so many men struggle with it. It’s not normal in the sense of “natural and healthy” (of course it’s not, it’s a sin), but it is very common, it’s a strong temptation, and for those who have already begun, quitting it can be almost as hard as for a smoker to quit smoking.
Never be talked into thinking that the sin is acceptable, but at the same time be patient with the sinners, there’s no point getting frustrated about it because quitting takes time and the grace of God.
PS Zarathustra - The Church teaches that no one is beyond redemption. So long as you live, never give up hope.
EDIT - Okay what I post always looks hard to read, when am I ever gonna learn a good balance to break things up into paragraphs. Hopefully it’s a bit easier now.
That being said I can understand why so many men struggle with it. It’s not normal in the sense of “natural and healthy” (of course it’s not, it’s a sin), but it is very common, it’s a strong temptation, and for those who have already begun, quitting it can be almost as hard as for a smoker to quit smoking.
Never be talked into thinking that the sin is acceptable, but at the same time be patient with the sinners, there’s no point getting frustrated about it because quitting takes time and the grace of God.
PS Zarathustra - The Church teaches that no one is beyond redemption. So long as you live, never give up hope.
EDIT - Okay what I post always looks hard to read, when am I ever gonna learn a good balance to break things up into paragraphs. Hopefully it’s a bit easier now.
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Mirror_Mirror
Guest
I am not sure whether I should laugh at your post or be disgusted by it. First of all the comparison of pornography to rugby is a stretch at best. Apples and oranges my friend.
I can tell by your post that you are not from the US and that maybe the culture that you grow up in is different and things such as pronography are more widely “accepted” however, that does not make it right. Simply “doing it without rubbing it in your face” is so wrong. I am sure that you cannot even begin to fathom the hurt that someone is causing themselves and their future wife (or husband) when viewing pronography.
It is apparant that you need to take more time looking at the lives that are damaged by this. Look at the marriages that are torn apart for something so stupid. So worthless. So pointless. That is what pornography. This fantasy that one finds themselves wrapped up in. It consumes them. Soon, for them, it is no longer a fantasy. It becomes the reality that they know as it relates to sex. And that is so unfair, so wrong in so many ways. To think that your wife (or husband) should become and object for your sexual fantasies is SICK! That is what pornography does. Whether you want to see that and believe it or not, it is true. I have experienced pronography first hand. I know the damage that it can cause. Praise God that was never a part of my current marriage and I was free from that addiction before my wife. I cannot imagine ever (EVER) doing anything to hurt her and viewing pornography in my past would have been hurting her when I did not even know her.
Wake up and smell the coffee my friend. I pray that you truly and honestly take the time to look into the damages of pornography. Search this forum to see those that have been personally affected by it. Visit www.trueknights.org and read the stories there. Pornography is a disease and it is eating away at so many people and they do not even know it.
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Catholic_Mom_of
Guest
GraceDK
I know you’re saying that in jest. But upon your saying that I thought I hope people don’t truly feel that way when reading that I hope the men who struggle, who read that, think " I want to live up to that. I want to be that kind of man." The last thing I would want is for someone to give up, thinking he could never be that way in real life. (I know you didn’t mean it that way–I was just thinking what another man may be thinking if he were steeped in a porn habit and reading what I wrote–he might tend to feel discouraged)
I hope that men who are struggling with a sexual addiction understand that the best way for women in their lives to open up and be fully feminine (and I mean this not just from a wife/sexual point of view but also in their relationships with their mothers and sisters and female co-workers, etc.) is to be a strong protector of their femininity–respecting them…holding open the doors, not speaking in crude or vulgar terms around them (ok, the ideal is never to do that but especially not around them)…etc, not just doing the ‘bare minimum’ (excuse the pun) and refusing to view porn. That’s the least they should not do.
And we women should respect the provider/protector role of the men in our lives. We should appreciate and show appreciation (again, not just in a sexual way to our husbands but also in a pure love way to all men in our lives–fathers, sons, etc.) No snide comments or using quick wit to hurt (women like to be verbal as we all know). In short, we should aim to be *deserving * of the treatment and respect we crave. We should honor our men and help them when they stumble or fall…
And last comment (sorry, I’m being wordy today) for guys who struggle with this:
It’s like that old analogy (where did it come from? I can’t remember):
When we fall in the mud we have several choices.
I don’t know why this topic hits such a deep chord with me. Perhaps it’s because I have six daughters and three sons.???
GraceDK, you ‘got me’. I sound like a writer because I am one.
I’m thinking you’re a priest. Your posts are thoughtful, educated, encouraging, and you seem to respond to everyone. Thank you.
Theresa
.
I know you’re saying that in jest.
But upon your saying that I thought I hope people don’t truly feel that way when reading that I hope the men who struggle, who read that, think " I want to live up to that. I want to be that kind of man." The last thing I would want is for someone to give up, thinking he could never be that way in real life. (I know you didn’t mean it that way–I was just thinking what another man may be thinking if he were steeped in a porn habit and reading what I wrote–he might tend to feel discouraged)I hope that men who are struggling with a sexual addiction understand that the best way for women in their lives to open up and be fully feminine (and I mean this not just from a wife/sexual point of view but also in their relationships with their mothers and sisters and female co-workers, etc.) is to be a strong protector of their femininity–respecting them…holding open the doors, not speaking in crude or vulgar terms around them (ok, the ideal is never to do that but especially not around them)…etc, not just doing the ‘bare minimum’ (excuse the pun) and refusing to view porn. That’s the least they should not do.
And we women should respect the provider/protector role of the men in our lives. We should appreciate and show appreciation (again, not just in a sexual way to our husbands but also in a pure love way to all men in our lives–fathers, sons, etc.) No snide comments or using quick wit to hurt (women like to be verbal as we all know). In short, we should aim to be *deserving * of the treatment and respect we crave. We should honor our men and help them when they stumble or fall…
And last comment (sorry, I’m being wordy today) for guys who struggle with this:
It’s like that old analogy (where did it come from? I can’t remember):
When we fall in the mud we have several choices.
- We can say ‘Gee, this mud is great! I love getting dirty’ and roll around in it some more.
- We can despair that we fell into the mud, lament our position and not gain the strength to remove ourselves from the dirty puddle.
OR - We can recognize that we fell in the mud. We can rely on God’s grace and immediately get up. We leave the dirty puddle and wash off with some good soap and water (confession) and resolve to avoid muddy road again.
I don’t know why this topic hits such a deep chord with me. Perhaps it’s because I have six daughters and three sons.???
GraceDK, you ‘got me’.
I sound like a writer because I am one.I’m thinking you’re a priest. Your posts are thoughtful, educated, encouraging, and you seem to respond to everyone.
Thank you.Theresa
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GraceDK
Guest
Hehehehe…GraceDK
.
I know you’re saying that in jest.
GraceDK, you ‘got me’.
I’m thinking you’re a priest. Your posts are thoughtful, educated, encouraging, and you seem to respond to everyone.
Theresa
“ahem!” I am a priest… in the ordinary priesthood of all believers. But…no, not an ordained priest… (I will remember you thought that
I am a girl… I like to think of my self as an evangelist. I am here to please no one in particular but I speak my mind. When people come here with sexual wounds or stuggles it goes deep with me because I once fell in that area and know what it does to a person… there is no sin that so hurts that bad and is so shamefilled as sexual sin.I have never had a problem with masturbation or pornography. Never knew that it was a common problem either… maybe because I grew up in as the youngest of three girls… I did not know about male struggles in this area… I thought everyone was just out to find their prince and princess and true love. Call me naive. Since I came to these fora I have heard… a somewhat different story.
As for your dad… It was a great testimony and was up-lifting too. I thought… maybe I should save that somewhere. My parents never taught me about sexual purity wherefore I was already out taking chances at 17 and feeling like I just wanted to die afterwards not knowing why since I was just doing what everyone else was doing.
Life sucks sometimes… I could only pray that I find a husband like your dad and that we together can create a good home where healthy sexuality is promoted and not a taboo.
God bless you sister in Jesus
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rpp
Guest
This is pure filth.
And the promotion of mortal sin. This is nothing less than putting the eternal souls of people in grave peril.
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dawid
Guest
A very convincing, encouraging and inspiring point of view Theresa!
I am sure all would agree with your well-stated post.
I am sure all would agree with your well-stated post.
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mpb74
Guest
As a preteen & early teen I found it fascinating. Unfortunately for me, it helped form an idea in my head that sex was love. Poor catechetics and an ill formed concience are a deadly cocktail. By high school I lost interest in it. In my early twenties I wasn’t even phased by porn. I’d go out to bars with the boys from work and we would sometimes stumble into strip clubs.( As I was in the earlier stages of alcoholism, I hated those places because the drinks were way too expensive.) I would literally not even notice the “dancers”. I felt so innocent about going there I even mentioned to my wife to be that I went into a particular “Men’s Club”. She was none too happy and informed me that further excursions would not be tolerated. Porn and strippers meant nothing to me so I never went near another place like that.
I’m very lucky as I am a wretched sinner and became addicted to alcohol and some really destructive behavior. But serious sexual perversions never entered into my life.
As my oldest son grew I turned a blind eye to his interest in porn. I figured it was only “normal”. Upon coming Home to the Church and getting a strong catechism online, I began to see the absolute evil of pornography. I never looked at my wife as an object, but in my youth I certainly saw girls that way.
When I explained to my then seventeen year old boy how it was wrong and dangerous to him he kind of got it. When I talked to him about how it degraded not only him but all women, all people, he became deeply embarrassed. Though he is a confused young man of this age, his white face turned a scarlet red. He got it. He understood it immediately. He would be the MVP in any debating league and didn’t utter one if and or but.
We all have our sins and weaknesses. Good evangelization and explanations of the reasons why certain things are wrong will straighten many people out. Talking to someone calmly and lovingly making clear that you judge his actions only, and that judgement of him as a person is completely in the arena of God may open someone’s eyes, as long as they are willing to see.
I’m very lucky as I am a wretched sinner and became addicted to alcohol and some really destructive behavior. But serious sexual perversions never entered into my life.
As my oldest son grew I turned a blind eye to his interest in porn. I figured it was only “normal”. Upon coming Home to the Church and getting a strong catechism online, I began to see the absolute evil of pornography. I never looked at my wife as an object, but in my youth I certainly saw girls that way.
When I explained to my then seventeen year old boy how it was wrong and dangerous to him he kind of got it. When I talked to him about how it degraded not only him but all women, all people, he became deeply embarrassed. Though he is a confused young man of this age, his white face turned a scarlet red. He got it. He understood it immediately. He would be the MVP in any debating league and didn’t utter one if and or but.
We all have our sins and weaknesses. Good evangelization and explanations of the reasons why certain things are wrong will straighten many people out. Talking to someone calmly and lovingly making clear that you judge his actions only, and that judgement of him as a person is completely in the arena of God may open someone’s eyes, as long as they are willing to see.
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GraceDK
Guest
I give you my respect.Growing up in a liberal protestant home where sexual stuff was never ever mentioned I feel like I am now, at 26 and many scars later, giving my parents lessons on the sexual distortion that takes place in my society … and if I had been a guy I might have had even more problems and wounds than I have…
Guys need dads like you
. My dad - although being a role model for financial stability and support - was the last person on earth who would give me any advice on the behaviour of men… And I have been extremely naive… maybe thats lucky for me to some extent though. I grew up thinking that men who used pornography were old sleeze-bags and loosers that went down to under ground shops to get this filth at night because they did not want to be seen by normal people… I was totally wrong… young men and women are so much victims in this day and age because families and churches have failed tremendously in teaching and saying the truth… even when its embarrassing and even when it hurts to hear it…I wanna serve this cause and I pray to God he wont let me be discouraged so I give up… The shame I have lived through opened my eyes and I want to help others avoid it.
Wanted just to say thanks for sharing and being an encouragement…
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mmyers
Guest
I didn’t get to read every single post, but from what I did read there was no mention of where to get support. Although there isn’t much, I have heard of many books geared toward men struggling with this. Many of these men also have trouble expressing proper emotion and have trouble talking about thier emotions.
Maybe if you read about how this affects men and what they are dealing with it would help you not oly to understand, but also to know how to speak to the men in your life and even give you some exercises in talking to each other about things that are important to you.
Maybe if you read about how this affects men and what they are dealing with it would help you not oly to understand, but also to know how to speak to the men in your life and even give you some exercises in talking to each other about things that are important to you.
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wjp984
Guest
Just about every man has looked at porn or went to a strip club. Not every man thinks it’s right or a normal thing to do. Peer pressue and curiosity got me to go once. Then there is the homophobic thing where if you don’t watch this then you have to be gay argument. Both are more teenage arguments. If people are examples for others and show that there are people that do not do these things, it will probably encourage others to do the same. Just my opinion. Peer pressure and influence can also be used in a good way.
Oh, then one should also look to the reasoning. There are probably many people who only do these things since they are lonely or stressed out and really do not approve of it but at the time feel there is no other option or that it doesn’t matter since they aren’t worth anything better than a person that would do those things anyways.
Oh, then one should also look to the reasoning. There are probably many people who only do these things since they are lonely or stressed out and really do not approve of it but at the time feel there is no other option or that it doesn’t matter since they aren’t worth anything better than a person that would do those things anyways.
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