A Really Really Few Good Men

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Jesuslives

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**This is a rant, a prayer request and any advice welcome thread. **

I am starting to give up on men on hope to ever find a good one. I am 25, born and raised Catholic with a great family. Since I was a young girl I have dreamed of meeting the right man. Not to brag but I am attractive, smart and I have a great job, morals and family. I have pretty much had such great influences of Catholic men that every guy I meet seems to be a mess in comparison. My last boyfriend completely crushed me with his nightly addiction to porn. While he was great in most other ways by the time I found out about his little addiction it was 6 months into our relationship. Compared to some men I dated he always gave me a healthy amount of space, but I never would have guessed that was why. After I realized what was going on I tried to help him, we blocked his computer and tried getting him to be more devout but he kept failing and then lying to me. It became more apparent why he wouldn’t get up to meet me at the gym in the morning, or why he would wake up late on Sundays for church. I couldn’t take it anymore.

Unfortunately I live in one of the worst cities in America. I go to Church but there are no young single guys in my church. They are either married and with their families or not coming to mass on Sundays because they aren’t devout. It is like my generation completely fell off the boat. I would have to convert to Mormonism to find a guy who is disciplined enough NOT to have gotten involved with this. And I have considered it, but I do not believe in their religion. I just admire their discipline.

With the internet so ingrained in our society I am starting to believe that almost all men are addicted to porn and I will never find a guy that I can be with.

If I was born ten years earlier I think I might have had a better chance of meeting someone, but from around my age and younger it truly seems like there are barely and good guys left. No one understand either, the few friends I have don’t see the problem with it or they ignore it. I can’t talk to my brothers about this, and my parents don’t have this issue. When I meet a guy I usually can tell this is an issue within such a short time. I have given up on looking and just feel hopeless.

This evil seems to be spreading and it just *crushes *my very soul. Despite my modest dress, I am reminded DAILY even with older men that I meet at work: To so called “men” I am not worth anything except for my body. And I am beginning to become so bitter about life anymore. I wish Jesus would come back already.
 
You are still really young, my wife never met me till she was 30, just concentrate on being the best catholic you can be and forget about looking for a man and in time God will provide you the right one if that is what He wants for you, that is what worked for her and I believe it will work for you to, just remember God doesn’t work on our schedules. If you have friends who don’t understand where you are coming from ditch them to that’s what my wife did, they are part of the problem you hate so much.

Not all men are addicted to porn or view women as objects you will see in time.

Also consider maybe He wants to keep your for Himself and doesn’t want to share you with a man, sometimes He does that to
 
I’d take a job bagging groceries in any other city before I’d look for true Love in Las Vegas.

That said, I love your post. As a 40 year old father of 5, I’m already worried about my daughters’ abilities to find decent guys. Pop culture media has reduced too many people into unromantics who seek little more than physical or chemical brain pleasurism. WHere’s the romance in music, TV, movies? It isn’t there. Maybe it’s intentional for depopulation and anti-family purposes.
 
I never noticed she is in Las Vegas, well it ain’t called the city of sin for nothing probably the worst place on earth to try and find a good upstanding catholic guy.
 
I’m a guy, to start off with.

How would you like it if I started off a post with the thread title, “A really, really, few good women”? That would be sort of mean, wouldn’t it? Sort of like I’m insulting a gender? Just a thought…

There are a TON of great guys and girls out there. Just have to look for them. Your also super young, so don’t let it get you down. Remember to be happy-(you can be happy and good and moral Catholic, it is possible) that counts for alot. I personally like to be around happy people, and most do as well.

Again, at 25, don’t let it get you down.

God Bless.
 
I sympathise with you. It certainly seems more difficult to get men interested in religion or more devout. At my local church there is at least four or five times as many women who show up for morning/evening prayer.

However, I must warn against judging an entire gender; there are millions of good men. I understand you are upset but it does vex somewhat to see people imply negative things about ones gender; seeing as I go to Mass five times a week… Nonetheless, perhaps you could consider trying to get more people; male and female interested in Catholocism locally; or you could consider moving – especially as your workmates appear to be upsetting you.

Be patient, understanding and try to not judge others too harshly; especially when overestimating ones own devotion (when one has considered Mormonism for a mere man).

👍
 
One more thing stop wasting your time dating guys who don’t already go to church, of course they are moral degenerates, why wouldn’t they be? Secular society tells them porn and self abuse are ok so of course they are going to be doing it. Learn to love yourself and to be happy on your own then the man will come or he won’t.
 
I tend to agree with you Jesuslives, there are relatively few non-creeper devout Catholic men. I’m sure it’s even worse in Las Vegas. Don’t despair, there really are good Catholic men in this world- don’t settle for any man that won’t strive to love you according to Eph 5:25.

Have you tried any Catholic dating sites? I’m on Catholic Match. One thing that has shocked me is how many women from very far away (Nova Scotia is my record!) contact me, they must be truly desperate if they think I am worth the time!

Pray for your spouse every day, I pray that the Lord will bless you with someone soon!
 
Advocatus_Fidei said:
One more thing stop wasting your time dating guys who don’t already go to church, of course they are moral degenerates, why wouldn’t they be? Secular society tells them porn and self abuse are ok so of course they are going to be doing it.
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What a lovely thing to say. Apparently you and I know alot of different “secular people”.

A plea from me-stop saying things like that. Your giving Catholics a bad name.
 
Rascalking said:
What a lovely thing to say. Apparently you and I know alot of different “secular people”.

A plea from me-stop saying things like that. Your giving Catholics a bad name.
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Yeah yeah mom, will you please stop following me around trying to police what I have to say?

I disagree with every single post of yours I have ever seen to ok but there is no point talking about it, you are are who you are I have accepted that sad fact.

This girl is trying her best to be good Catholic lady and you attacked her for that and blamed her for her situation because according to you she is not happy enough, she probably just has higher standards than you do, and I say good for her. You are completely insulting and out of order and you cant even see yourself.
 
Advocatus_Fidei said:
Yeah yeah mom, will you please stop following me around trying to police what I have to say?

I disagree with every single post of yours I have ever seen to ok but there is no point talking about it, you are are who you are I have accepted that sad fact.
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So we are not going to be trading gardening tips ? Darn, my tomatoes aren’t growing well and I needed help! 😉

I wasn’t really following you my friend. I just think that one of the great parts about a public forum is that you can disagree and talk and remain civil. That’s not a “sad fact” to me-it’s actually sort of cool.

God bless!
 
To the previous poster: don’t assume the OP goes around all negative and unhappy just because she knows what she wants in a future husband and has a realistic view of the modern men in her age group and in her city.

OP, I can totally see where you’re coming from. I had a similar experience. My grandma gave me this piece of advice that always stayed with me; she said that the more you actively “look” for friends (or a boyfriend) the less likely you’ll find what you’re looking for. I don’t know the logistics of how that works, but my cousins and I have seen it play out that way in our lives.

So even if it goes contrary to your instincts, I’d recommend to give yourself a period of time of just *not *looking. Take a break and work on yourself. Go to Mass, daily if you can. Step up your prayer time. Pray in front of the Blessed Sacrament for God to reveal and work his will in your life. And then, most importantly, just rest in Him. You’ve heard that verse, “be still and know and that I’m God”? This would be the perfect time for you to adopt that as your mantra. Again, it may seem counter-intuitive, but this is what worked for me. I was 30 before before I met my husband and I wasn’t even looking. But at the same time, I knew that I would find someone, eventually, in God’s own time. I just let it be and it happened at the strangest time, much to both of our surprises. (My husband wasn’t looking either.)

This is just one idea. If you can’t help but go outand be sociable, stick to Church activities, Bible studies, rosaries and pray-ins at abortion clinics, etc. Sign up for the choir maybe. But do these things for yourself and to increase your bond with your parish community; not to “meet people” necessarily. Then see what happens. Biggest point I wanted to get across in all this rambling is just trust God. I know that’s easier said than done, but if you find it difficult, just practice it until it gets easier.

/advice. 😉
 
First of all, are you sure that married life is the vocation God has in mind for you?

Have you ever considered a vocation to the religious life, i.e., as a nun or sister? I have a first cousin that was somewhat in your situation and she’s a Dominican nun now in Nashville, TN. And she’s never been happier! They never have to worry about anything other than serving God.

Second, we live in the culture of death. Most young men are a product of that culture and only have one thing in mind, and it’s not God, unfortunately.

Third, have you tried one of the Catholic singles sites? You might have more luck there.

My wife is from Las Vegas, and she says that although it’s the sin city, the residents there are really rather conservative. Or, at least they were when she lived there in the 80’s.

Finally, pray, pray, pray. Then, pray some more. AND, offer sacrifices and penances. Make visits to the Blessed Sacrament and ask Our Lord to lead you into the vocation HE has in mind for you. And, be patient. You’re just getting to the age where I consider young people to be mature enough to seriously consider marriage (if, in fact, that’s what God has in store for you.) 🙂

God bless!

P.S. - I’m very impressed that you are discerning the young men you go out with. It hardly ever works to get involved with a “do-it-yourself” type of guy, hoping he’ll convert and be fervent about the faith! Are you going to the next World Youth Day? The young folks that go to that seem to be much more interested in their Catholic faith. Just a thought. 🙂
 
ac_claire said:
To the previous poster: don’t assume the OP goes around all negative and unhappy just because she knows what she wants in a future husband and has a realistic view of the modern men in her age group and in her city.
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Oh, I don’t assume that at all. In fact, I feel sorry for anyone who is looking and single-it’s a tough road out there.

It’s just more of a comment rather than an assumption. I think it’s important not to stereotype, though. Having a “realistic view” of modern men isn’t fair to them.It would be the same if a guy said a derogatory thing about “modern women”.
 
Rascalking said:
What a lovely thing to say. Apparently you and I know alot of different “secular people”.

A plea from me-stop saying things like that. Your giving Catholics a bad name.
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Nobody said all secular people and neighbors are evil. But these aren’t the kind of people a Catholic girl wants to look for a spouse from among. The idea is to find a Catholic husband. Not just any “nice” guy who will do. 😉
 
Rascalking said:
Oh, I don’t assume that at all. In fact, I feel sorry for anyone who is looking and single-it’s a tough road out there.

It’s just more of a comment rather than an assumption. I think it’s important not to stereotype, though. Having a “realistic view” of modern men isn’t fair to them.It would be the same if a guy said a derogatory thing about “modern women”.
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You just contradicted yourself. First you claim “it’s a tough road out there” and then you say it isn’t fair to stereotype or view “modern” people in a derogatory light. Why then is it a “tough” road out there if most/many of the singles aren’t into some of these things?

I would recommend to all these ladies to have a realistic view of modern men. It can save them a great deal of heartbreak and false expectations/assumptions.
 
Nec5 said:
You just contradicted yourself. First you claim “it’s a tough road out there” and then you say it isn’t fair to stereotype or view “modern” people in a derogatory light. Why then is it a “tough” road out there if most/many of the singles aren’t into some of these things?
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There is no contradiction at all. It’s tough because even in the BEST of circumstances dating is difficult. Even if people where an academy of saints it would be hard because we are all different.

And no, it’s not fair to sterotype people people in ANY light. And yes, it is a tough road out there.
 
Aw. that’s probably pretty frustrating…mind I’m probably as far from religious as you can get, but I can see where you are coming from.

Now, most men generally are pretty ok from what I see in the social circles I run in, it’s usually ME who has the problems, ha.

I have a former co-worker who is just as frustrated as you. She can’t seem to find a man she’s happy with. I really kind of feel for her, she’s a super kind woman, has a great career, very smart, attractive…oh, well.
Seems the men she dates are kind of a mess in one way or another. Shame.

I’d tend to agree with what another poster said, stop looking and just enjoy life, do what you like to do, if you are active in the church, and hobbies you have, etc…and chances are you will eventually find a man who has the same or similar interests…things seem to have a way of working out.
Why, I don’t quite know. I’d venture to say you people of faith would say it is God’s will…
 
A really really few good women! Indeed.

OP, it isn’t comforting at all, but take note that I, and probably thousands of other young Catholics are in the exact same situation. My story:

I live in a small university town, known for its overwhelmingly liberal sexual campus culture. Had I expected it to be this bad I probably would never have come here. Anyway. It’s a small university, less than 4000 students, and probably less than 50 practising Catholics amongst the people my own age. I have posted before exactly what goes on here - and as you can imagine on a university campus, especially a liberal one - it is pretty much the pits when it comes to sexual immorality, etc. So, here I am. Like you (and not to brag either) I am a great looking, intelligent, scapular-wearing-daily-mass-going Catholic guy and you know what? I’m pretty lonely too! I have friends sure; but not good ones, because I just can’t relate to their choices, and vice versa.

Anyway, I have stopped trying to find someone. It just isn’t going to happen. Not here, not now at least. Last year I fell away from the Church, I dated a secular girl, I did things with her, “fell in love” etc and it all came crumbling down and it broke my heart. I learnt a few things from that:
  1. Don’t date a secular person. They will most likely not share your values, morals, ethics, and views on life in general (nevermind the actual religious side of things like going to Mass, etc). This was the biggest problem I had. I couldn’t reconcile it all in my head. How my ‘girlfriend’ was going to Hooters with other guys and dancing on tables, how my ‘girlfriend’ thought it was funny that her best friend slept with 2 guys in one night, how my ‘girlfriend’ thought abortion was the prefered choice because having a baby under the age of 30 “is for whores” (so many things wrong with that statement, but anyway). And once I started going to Mass again, thats when we broke up - it happened because I went to confession and she mocked me for it. Break up time!
  2. Whoever you do end up dating… I hope you have majorly discerned beforehand. I can’t expand on that enough. I don’t have the words. But its just so important. It speaks for itself.
  3. You can’t push anything or anyone - especially not God. I learnt the hard way. I know now… If I’m praying, doing my studies, living a moral life, being the ‘salt’ of the Earth, etc, that God will take care of me in his own time. And his own time in his own way is for the best. IT really really really is. Just need to trust Him, and trust less in our own sense of what we want and need etc, and I am positive all things will work out.
Anyway, yeah, it sucks. There ain’t nuttin to it, but to do it! And by that I mean - just stick it out and wait, because when the right guy does come along and you fall in love and whatever (if it is in God’s will) you’re gonna be SO glad you waited, SO glad that God brought this man to you, and the wait would have been very very worth it I am certain of that!
 
Jesuslives,

My advice to you, if you couldn’t find the right man then don’t push for it, and keep in mind that Satan will try to push you into sin, instead let the will of GOD guides you, maybe He want you to become a Nun one day…

 
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