A reply to an off comment

[As_for_my_House]

I am hoping that you can help me with a reply to person who I am again forced to spend time with who is nosy about my business ( such as… asking a lot of specific questions about things about my grown children and their lives) but won’t share her personal stuff with me.

We have recently, had to put my MIL into a dementia care nursing home.
Yesterday at the nursing home, I ran into said person again. I was unable to visit with my MIL because this person kept questioning me and husband about our family, our house chores, and where we had been the previous day. She told us that "she has seen so many things with the people in the nursing home (her dramatic tone indicated that they were bad things) that she can’t believe it. I know her well enough to know that this was her trying to open a new line of gossip targeting her next victims. Fortunately, a resident needed some attention and I was able to disengage my husband and myself from this line of talk. My MIL began to bash the staff saying that they are never happy to do anything. She bashed her room mate (who can’t even remember where she is) saying that “Oh,she is another one” then went on to describe a scene where MIL saw her having an angry conversation with the staff and MIL thinks it was about her. She has no evidence that the woman was talking about her but this is her pattern with people.

Well that’s my rant.

Now to the question, this person talks down to me often. One of the techniques she uses is to say something like- you are probably too young to remember… which is weird because we are only 4 years apart but she does this repeatedly.

Yesterday, she once again commented that I would be too young to remember garbage trucks coming down the alleys when she and my husband were kids. I interrupted her when she said this and replied that I wouldn’t remember because I didn’t live in the city, I grew up in the suburbs.

Is there a pat line that I can use when she does this?

 

[LethalMouse]

I was unable to visit with my MIL because this person kept questioning me and husband

About sums up that you need to stop whining and be an adult…

“Have to go see my MIL bye” [walks away]
Adult

“She asked me questions and I was stuck”
I have no idea what this is other than not adult. Unless I mean you were held at gunpoint or she has the power to fire you and lords that over you to have conversations…

Seriously people you can for instance call me a name right now idk say “LM you are a jerky poo”

And it will have literally ZERO effect on my life. If someone calls you a jerky poo and it ruins your life you have the problem.

 

[Irishmom2]

It would help to know what your relationship to this person is. Is she a relative, neighbor, someone at your parish?

What I would say to her would depend upon that. Is this someone you are interested in knowing or is it only she that is interested in order to pump you for information?

 

[As_for_my_House]

It would help to know what your relationship to this person is. Is she a relative, neighbor, someone at your parish?

What I would say to her would depend upon that. Is this someone you are interested in knowing or is it only she that is interested in order to pump you for information?

Hi, she is my SIL and she is just pumping for information. I have tried to have a relationship with her but she is only interested in busy-bodiness not sharing. We have known each other for 35 years but she doesn’t seem to take much interest in me but is extremely interested in my business. My husband has been making the mistake to letting her know when we will visit the nursing home and now she is showing up right when we visit. He will not do this in the future. He said it is getting weird and that he sees that she talks down to or tries to ignore me.

I couldn’t visit with my MIL (I had important things to ask her) because she monopolized the conversation and I couldn’t just leave. Some people handle people like my SIL well, probably most of you on this forum. I do not, but I want to learn how to be more assertive and I am hoping to get at least one good line to say when being discounted at the beginning of a conversation.

I think these constant attempts of talking down to me or trying to leave me out of the loop need to be addressed. I have tried direct communication, being honest about some issues and she betrayed my confidence and used it to gossip. I keep my confidences to myself now but she digs for news and my husband who is very naive, indulges her.

I have been though years of her digging for dirt on myself, my children, my extended family(plenty there) and I’m tired of being a non-person, gossip source for her. I’ve had it and I’m ready to fight back.

I will have to run into on occasion at the nursing home so I need some good lines to shut her comments, gossip and nosiness down. Please keep in mind that I may have to spend some serious time with her in the future.

 

[Rosebud77]

Keep it very very simple. As she is disrupting your visist can you ask a staff member to call her away ? On business re your MIL etc?

 

[LethalMouse]

Hi, she is my SIL .

Alot of what I said in a sense still can apply… but apologies as I took it more as “some lady in town” and there have been many a thread on such.

There is a bit more annoyance to come from a fam memeber

 

[As_for_my_House]

Keep it very very simple. As she is disrupting your visist can you ask a staff member to call her away ? On business re your MIL etc?

Thank you, I like your idea.

We, my husband and I, are new to the whole situation of how a nursing home works. So far the staff seems very pleasantly engaged with the residents. The residents suffer from Alzheimer’s and dementia so the staff is very busy. It’s very hard to visit with all the distractions and I guess I have so much to do that I’m overwhelmed now. I’m trying to assess if my MIL should even be in this facility and I’m trying to sort though her personal belongings and her whole house because we are going to have to sell her house. First, I want to make sure she has all the personal items that she wants and I need to know what to do with anything she values or wants to give to family.

I have to go though 6 closets full of clothes and a basement full of clothes and now I have learned that many of the clothes belong to this SIL but she hasn’t lived there for 30 years:shrug: My husband wants to put the house up for sale next month and they still have so many personal items in the house. I don’t want to be accused of taking my SIL’s things out of the house but she won’t deal with it either. I don’t know if she wants them or not so I’m trying to get permission and direction from MIL to go forward with the cleaning and let MIL decide what to do with all these clothes and accessories.

 

[Irishmom2]

I think that your husband needs to take a more informed and active role in all of this SIL and MIL business. You and your husband should begin by having all of your SILs things removed from the house. Husband: " Hey sis, we are going to need you to come over this week and get all of your things from mom’s house that are yours. We are going to have to get her house ready for sale and the first thing we need to do is get it cleared out. We aren’t sure which stuff is yours in the closet though. So, come get your things, or next weekend they are going to St. Vincent de Paul society or Goodwill." Make sure your husband does the talking on that one so you aren’t accused of orchestrating it.

Perhaps you could go visit your MIL to speak to her while your husband "helps " his sister by carrying her things to her car.

 

[As_for_my_House]

I think that your husband needs to take a more informed and active role in all of this SIL and MIL business. You and your husband should begin by having all of your SILs things removed from the house. Husband: " Hey sis, we are going to need you to come over this week and get all of your things from mom’s house that are yours. We are going to have to get her house ready for sale and the first thing we need to do is get it cleared out. We aren’t sure which stuff is yours in the closet though. So, come get your things, or next weekend they are going to St. Vincent de Paul society or Goodwill." Make sure your husband does the talking on that one so you aren’t accused of orchestrating it.

Perhaps you could go visit your MIL to speak to her while your husband "helps " his sister by carrying her things to her car.

This sounds like a plan. He can keep her busy then we leave before she starts the interrogation. I will be checking to see if her car is in the nursing home lot too before we go in.
I am avoider by nature but this has not been a good thing for me when it come to dealing with SIL.

 

[Lea101]

I usually like to make them point out that they are being stupid. Like for instance, I would point out the age difference bluntly and make them uncomfortable lol

Being blunt always worked for me. If someone is prying too much, I would straight up ask “Why are you asking me a lot of questions about my life?” Straightforward questions are usually unexpected and uncomfortable.

If someone I know likes to gossip about me and asks me personal stuff, I’ll be really honest and ask “Are you asking me this so you can then broadcast it to the whole nation?” Of course, smiling and saying it as if it’s a joke will soften the blow. But we ladies know when someone is trying to take a jab at you

If someone is interrupting me, I’ll just state, “Excuse me, I’m not finished yet”.

If someone is subtly insulting me, I’ll say something like “What do you mean?” And will keep asking that until it is very apparent that she is trying to say something mean. People enjoy throwing subtle insults but will try to run when you disect it. And I LOVE being the person that is responsible for that.

Stuff like “wow I have always thought that you were such a nice girl” or backhanded compliments like “I love how you just have to know everything, even when it does not concern you! I can never be that determined!”

Usually people will then avoid talking like that to me once I make them feel uneasy

I sound like a total b***h but I used to let people like this walk over me and I have 0 patience for it now.

If you’re going to say something to her, make sure it’s regarding the way you treat her and not something else. If not, you will probably stoop down to her level.

 

[Irishmom2]

This sounds like a plan. He can keep her busy then we leave before she starts the interrogation. I will be checking to see if her car is in the nursing home lot too before we go in.
I am avoider by nature but this has not been a good thing for me when it come to dealing with SIL.

Another thing you can do is to have your husband say “sis, when will you be going to see mom? I think it might be better for her if we spread out our visits so she has people there at different times.” And that actually is not a lie, because MIL will have people there at different times.

I don’t know if it was Ann Landers or Miss Manners, but one of them used to say if someone asks you a question that is just nosy or none of their business, you should respond: why do you need to know? Sometimes, a simple: I beg your pardon? As if you did not hear what they said, followed by a confused look on your face when they repeat it. And then, just answer, my children are fine, thanks for asking, and nothing more. If she wants to pry further, throw another why do you need to know at her.

 

[pianistclare]

I think that your husband needs to take a more informed and active role in all of this SIL and MIL business. You and your husband should begin by having all of your SILs things removed from the house. Husband: " Hey sis, we are going to need you to come over this week and get all of your things from mom’s house that are yours. We are going to have to get her house ready for sale and the first thing we need to do is get it cleared out. We aren’t sure which stuff is yours in the closet though. So, come get your things, or next weekend they are going to St. Vincent de Paul society or Goodwill." Make sure your husband does the talking on that one so you aren’t accused of orchestrating it.

Perhaps you could go visit your MIL to speak to her while your husband "helps " his sister by carrying her things to her car.

Agreed. Why is HE not running interference???
She’s not your sister. She’s HIS sister. And if she is harassing you, it’s up to HIM to tell her to back off.
If neither of you can do that, simply walk away. Cold shoulder. Silent treatment. She’ll hate it, and dig in her heels, but if she gets no information on you, she can’t talk about you, right? Stop feeding her info. Just stop. Sound hard? It’s not really. Just smile and turn around and walk away. If she follows you, just smile and say firmly, I’m sorry dear, I don’t have time for you right now.
If she calls, use called ID. Don’t answer. She 's in the habit of running her mouth. Help her turn off the faucet by not engaging in what you consider inappropriate conversation.
You have a right to privacy and she has no right to run roughshod over you.
Period.
Good luck!

 

[jaimeleglise]

Just ask her, why do you need/want to know this?

 

[As_for_my_House]

I usually like to make them point out that they are being stupid. Like for instance, I would point out the age difference bluntly and make them uncomfortable lol

Being blunt always worked for me. If someone is prying too much, I would straight up ask “Why are you asking me a lot of questions about my life?” Straightforward questions are usually unexpected and uncomfortable.

If someone I know likes to gossip about me and asks me personal stuff, I’ll be really honest and ask “Are you asking me this so you can then broadcast it to the whole nation?” Of course, smiling and saying it as if it’s a joke will soften the blow. But we ladies know when someone is trying to take a jab at you

If someone is interrupting me, I’ll just state, “Excuse me, I’m not finished yet”.

If someone is subtly insulting me, I’ll say something like “What do you mean?” And will keep asking that until it is very apparent that she is trying to say something mean. People enjoy throwing subtle insults but will try to run when you disect it. And I LOVE being the person that is responsible for that.

Stuff like “wow I have always thought that you were such a nice girl” or backhanded compliments like “I love how you just have to know everything, even when it does not concern you! I can never be that determined!”

Usually people will then avoid talking like that to me once I make them feel uneasy

I sound like a total b***h but I used to let people like this walk over me and I have 0 patience for it now.

If you’re going to say something to her, make sure it’s regarding the way you treat her and not something else. If not, you will probably stoop down to her level.

Thank you for your reply.
Should I just say “D it’s only four years” ?That didn’t seem strong enough of a come back even if 4 years is insignificant at our age.

I think the problem is that both my husband and I are avoidance personalities. We both have trouble expressing ourselves when we get zinged. The gossip isn’t aimed at husband. She has always bossed him around and he says because they fought so brutally when they were teens that he feels guilty now and tries to be agreeable. I think she is used to getting her way with my husband and that ended when I came into the picture, then she targeted me. She is very clever and very manipulative, also very good at zingers and coming at you out of left field. We are not playing by the same rules. I know that my MIL has taught her to treat people this way especially women. I feel like she is stalking us at the nursing home because she makes note of our coming and going times and now shows up. We are going to have to be more random in our visits.

Again, I’m avoiding

 

[Lorelei12]

The best way to deal with someone who wants a reaction is not to react. If she says “Oh you’re too young to remember that” smile and say “You do know we’re almost the same age, right?”, or just shrug and change the subject.

I understand how you feel, because I know someone like this who really used to get under my skin. I’m not a quick thinker, and I would always obsess, after the fact, about the things she says. I’d think of a comeback much too late. However, I realized that she knew she was making me uncomfortable and I decided not to care anymore. It is liberating! And better yet, her passive-aggressiveness stopped (at least toward me- it wasn’t fun for her anymore). This doesn’t work if you actually still care, but if you can manage to stop caring about the little digs and imagining comebacks and just tell yourself how weird it is that she needs to do that to be amused, it works wonders.

About the gossip, don’t feed into it. I’d be really upset if I found out that one of my aunts or uncles was getting gossip about me or my family from my parents. If she asks you about one of your kids and makes a comment just say “Oh she’s doing well.” If she prods about a specific situation, act like you are confused about why she would think it was her business. Repeat that your son or daughter is just fine, thanks, and change the subject. Repeat that your child is fine until she stops asking. Make yourself so boring to her that she doesn’t care anymore, even if it means sugarcoating situations you’d rather not have her know about. You don’t owe her descriptions about your adult childrens’ lives or anything else, so just because she asks a question doesn’t mean you have to answer.

 

[Irishmom2]

Again, I’m avoiding

There is a saying that we teach people how to treat us. So for years, you have allowed her to act as she does, to “get away with” manipulating, intrusive questioning, and zingers. Teach her something new.

Starting today, don’t avoid. Give it right back to her. What is the worst that could happen? I don’t mean answer her nosy questions, I mean stand up to her and ask her why she needs to know. Or say you don’t know about so and so, why don’t you ask them yourself? If she says you probably don’t remember, use it to your own advantage: "oh that’s right, SIL, I forgot you are so many years older than me.

Think of it as a game, or a new stage in your life. She steamrolls over both of you because you allow it. Don’t answer her questions. Do what pianistclare said and just walk away.

Show her it’s a new day, and the rules have changed. You may even grow to enjoy getting at her by doing nothing…

 

[mommy_k]

Pull your celll phone out and get busy when she says something offensive or gossipy. If you do this enough she will not be negative. It works like the pavlov dogs experiment, and i have done this with good results.

Seriously…it works after a few times.

 

[Mary_Estelle]

My very favorite dodge is, “Excuse me, I need to go to the rest room,” and it is usually true!! LOL!

 

[Mary_Estelle]

Pull your celll phone out and get busy when she says something offensive or gossipy. If you do this enough she will not be negative. It works like the pavlov dogs experiment, and i have done this with good results.

Seriously…it works after a few times.

But it seems that she is not giving out the information; her husband is! Guess she could walk around the corner and call him if he has a cell phone, too! How funny that would be, esp. if she were in the bath room!!

 

[mommy_k]

But it seems that she is not giving out the information; her husband is! Guess she could walk around the corner and call him if he has a cell phone, too! How funny that would be, esp. if she were in the bath room!!

:thumbsup: