A reply to an off comment

[Rosebud77]

Thank you, I like your idea.

We, my husband and I, are new to the whole situation of how a nursing home works. So far the staff seems very pleasantly engaged with the residents. The residents suffer from Alzheimer’s and dementia so the staff is very busy. It’s very hard to visit with all the distractions and I guess I have so much to do that I’m overwhelmed now. I’m trying to assess if my MIL should even be in this facility and I’m trying to sort though her personal belongings and her whole house because we are going to have to sell her house. First, I want to make sure she has all the personal items that she wants and I need to know what to do with anything she values or wants to give to family.

I have to go though 6 closets full of clothes and a basement full of clothes and now I have learned that many of the clothes belong to this SIL but she hasn’t lived there for 30 years:shrug: My husband wants to put the house up for sale next month and they still have so many personal items in the house. I don’t want to be accused of taking my SIL’s things out of the house but she won’t deal with it either. I don’t know if she wants them or not so I’m trying to get permission and direction from MIL to go forward with the cleaning and let MIL decide what to do with all these clothes and accessories.

You are in a hard hard place.I remember painfully clearing my mother’s house after her. death. Please, slow down? Tell your husband to wait. Why the rush?

You cannot please all the people all the time and it seems that that is what you are striving to do … NO Is a very good word… Stop letting them push you around. Little at a time

Oh and reading on, the phone trick works welll! I only have an old not working cell phone but it still gets a result…

 

[mommy_k]

You are in a hard hard place.I remember painfully clearing my mother’s house after her. death. Please, slow down? Tell your husband to wait. Why the rush?

You cannot please all the people all the time and it seems that that is what you are striving to do … NO Is a very good word… Stop letting them push you around. Little at a time

Oh and reading on, the phone trick works welll! I only have an old not working cell phone but it still gets a result…

Yes, and if the op’s strength is avoidance she should expand on her strength, and not change to direct tactics, as sil will continue to steamroll her until she gets good at it.

Op- as for sil clothes, just box them up and tell sil he can come get them by a certain date, or they will be thrown away. I would text her this or email no debate later.

 

[As_for_my_House]

But it seems that she is not giving out the information; her husband is! Guess she could walk around the corner and call him if he has a cell phone, too! How funny that would be, esp. if she were in the bath room!!

Yes, husband is right there with me when the grilling starts. He is the one who is afraid to be rude, so he answers her nosy questions.

We try to keep it vague but she gets more pointed
So how are the honeymooners doing?
FINE
Are they in their apartment yet?
AS FAR AS WE KNOW YES
Did they get their rugs clean?(how does she know about their rugs?)
AS FAR AS WE KNOW
Is son going to teach this year, did he get a job yet? (This may seem innocuous but it is a hot button)
WE DONT KNOW
Is he still working for you? (hot button)
YES
How about DIL is she going to work or can’t she?(dil is not a US citizen yet so she cant work yet) (hot button)
WE ARE SURE SHE WILL WORK WHEN SHE IS ABLE.
Have they done any thing to get her citizenship yet?
WE ARE SURE THAT THEY ARE WORKING ON IT.

This is a small sample of the questions and answers, now I know that they seem innocent but the thing is after about the third question answered vaguely you would think that she would realize that we are not interested in giving her details of our sons life.

Another issue is that she removed some valuable items from the house and hasn’t told my husband what she did with them even though he is also POA. but this is a separate issue.

 

[As_for_my_House]

Since we work together in the daytime and of course go home together a night, we share only one cell phone. When one of us is going somewhere, the other at the office or home, we just give the cell to the traveling spouse.

 

[Irishmom2]

Yes, husband is right there with me when the grilling starts. He is the one who is afraid to be rude, so he answers her nosy questions.

We try to keep it vague but she gets more pointed
So how are the honeymooners doing? I suppose they are fine.
FINE
Are they in their apartment yet?
AS FAR AS WE KNOW YES
Did they get their rugs clean?(how does she know about their rugs?)
AS FAR AS WE KNOW hey, you know what, SIL, since you have so many questions, I think you should just ask my son yourself if you really are interested.
Is son going to teach this year, did he get a job yet? (This may seem innocuous but it is a hot button)
WE DONT KNOW i am sure you will be the first to know when he does.
Is he still working for you? (hot button)
YES What is it you are really asking?
How about DIL is she going to work or can’t she?(dil is not a US citizen yet so she cant work yet) (hot button)
WE ARE SURE SHE WILL WORK WHEN SHE IS ABLE. Again, you can ask her yourself when you see them.
Have they done any thing to get her citizenship yet?
WE ARE SURE THAT THEY ARE WORKING ON IT. I don’t know, you should ask her yourself.

This is a small sample of the questions and answers, now I know that they seem innocent but the thing is after about the third question answered vaguely you would think that she would realize that we are not interested in giving her details of our sons life.

Another issue is that she removed some valuable items from the house and hasn’t told my husband what she did with them even though he is also POA. but this is a separate issue.

He needs to go pay her a visit and retrieve them. And change the locks. Seriously.

 

[Allegra]

I don’t think you need “zingers”. I have an intrustive step-mother who genuinely wants to know everyone’s business and genuinely thinks that it is her job to make sure everyone is aware of everyone else’s troubles. She also thinks that everyone cares about her problems as well, so at least she’s an equal opportunity gossip. Anyway, “zingers” have no effect on her. She is relentless. The best thing to do is keep your cards close and if she asks a question you don’t want to answer, say “I don’t know.” It can get annoying, I know, but it doesn’t sound like the end of the world.

 

[pianistclare]

I agree with Irishmom.
If she gets NO, zero, info out of you she’ll stop asking. Don’t asswer except to say, “You seem to be terribly interested, why don’t you ask them?” I’ll tell you why she doesn’t ask them, because she probably already has and has gotten a resounding “NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.”
Or, you can be frank with her:

Sis, I appreciate your concern, but frankly, most of the things you ask are none of your business, and are hurtful and prying.
Please allow my family their privacy. If we need your assistance, and prayers, we will surely ask, but honestly, we’ve got this. Please don’t continue to bombard me or your brother with prying questions. Most of the information you seek is confidential, and I would hate for the kids to think we’ve betrayed them. And have him standing beside you nodding his total agreement.

Male it CLEAR that these are inappropriate questions from someone who doesn’t just want to know, but seems to not genuinely care except for their gossip value.

She needs someone in charity to tell her. I’ll bet she’s unwelcome everywhere she goes. You may be doing her a great kindness to say KNOCK IT OFF.

You can do it. Just like she can.
Good luck.

 

[Anglewannabe]

. She has always bossed him around and he says because they fought so brutally when they were teens that he feels guilty now and tries to be agreeable.

OK, this is the problem. In a perfect world, hubby would give a sincere apology for wrong doings, make healthy amends and then let it go. I doubt hubby is going to do that.

I think the first thing you need to do is get hubby on your side. Sadly, I have no advice as to how to accomplish this.

Also, I would not try the ‘snappy come back’ strategy with SIL. It sounds like it just is not in you to do that (and I think you have a good virtue so please, don’t try and undo a grace God has given you) and secondly, she is probably better at snappy come backs and you will have just fuelled her fire.

I think the only way to deal with her is to immediately walk out of the room the second she asks a question. Also, if you stick to your grounds and refuse to be around her, hubby is going to get a much needed wake up call

Angie

 

[As_for_my_House]

You are in a hard hard place.I remember painfully clearing my mother’s house after her. death. Please, slow down? Tell your husband to wait. Why the rush?

You cannot please all the people all the time and it seems that that is what you are striving to do … NO Is a very good word… Stop letting them push you around. Little at a time

Oh and reading on, the phone trick works welll! I only have an old not working cell phone but it still gets a result…

Yes, you are kind and wise in your advise. I guess I just want to move forward with this because it gives SIL a reason to contact us and chat. Also we need to put the house up for insurance reasons because it is vacant and September is a good time to sell in this area.

 

[As_for_my_House]

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I feel that you all get what I’m going though. You understand my personality isn’t good with this type of person and that my husband is very passive and won’t stand up to her.

You are probably right about the comebacks, if I had comebacks, she would have better ones. I’d loose.

My husband grew up with a gossipy mother, no father and as a result he has two sisters accustom to nasty gossip, so for him this is normal. People do avoid MIL and SILs, their female extended Aunt and cousins have cut them off but I married into this craziness. They are my husband’s only family so I try for his sake.
I am making an effort to point out SIL’s jabs to my husband and I think he finally sees that there is a real problem on SIL’s side. This helps so much. I don’t want to cause hard feelings but I’m tired of the way she treats me and I give up trying make her treat me well. Husband can’t do it for me so we will continue to avoid. If she ever wants an honest reason why we avoid her, I pray I can charitably tell her but I wouldn’t hold my breath because I think she already knows why or doesn’t care.

I think I have to stop providing opportunities for her to behave like this. Avoiding her is what works best for me and my family.

 

[Rosebud77]

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I feel that you all get what I’m going though. You understand my personality isn’t good with this type of person and that my husband is very passive and won’t stand up to her.

You are probably right about the comebacks, if I had comebacks, she would have better ones. I’d loose.

My husband grew up with a gossipy mother, no father and as a result he has two sisters accustom to nasty gossip, so for him this is normal. People do avoid MIL and SILs, their female extended Aunt and cousins have cut them off but I married into this craziness. They are my husband’s only family so I try for his sake.
I am making an effort to point out SIL’s jabs to my husband and I think he finally sees that there is a real problem on SIL’s side. This helps so much. I don’t want to cause hard feelings but I’m tired of the way she treats me and I give up trying make her treat me well. Husband can’t do it for me so we will continue to avoid. If she ever wants an honest reason why we avoid her, I pray I can charitably tell her but I wouldn’t hold my breath because I think she already knows why or doesn’t care.

"I think I have to stop providing opportunities for her to behave like this. Avoiding her is what works best for me and my family.

:

Sounds good( could not bold the last sentence) You go girl!