a resolution

[uglygal]

I’ve spent time reading through and looking through the threads / debates here, mainly to see if leaving the church was done under false pretenses or what I was taught was incorrect. The end I arrive at is that I don’t believe anymore. I don’t feel any emotions, or anger or sadness, that is gone. I just don’t believe anymore. I don’t know if I have hit a threshold in my spiritual journey or if I am approaching a new dawn. The entire christian faith seems almost comical to me, except for the moral teachings of Jesus. I don’t really know what to do I thought that maybe I should leave it and give it time but as time passes that rift between me and this faith gets larger. I don;t know how to explain it - everything feels surreal, like it is another life, another reality that I am not a part of. I look at Jesus and he is a stranger to me and i feel like a stranger to him. Has anyone experienced this? I don;t know if I should keep praying or fasting? I don’t know what to do really. When I pray I feel almost confused, like what am I doing? As i go to church with my family as Christmas approaches, I feel desolate in church, like I am going somewhere I have never been before.

I think my time here at CA is at its end as I think I have found what I sought, some resolution. I am grateful for some of the nice people I have encountered here . should i keep praying? or let it go? should I keep seeking, or just let him find me? should i think this is a sign for me to go elsewhere, or is it a test to see if I’ll stay? should i stay if i don’t believe anymore? I don;t know, and strangely this emptiness feels like a resolution. I don’t belong in the church, there’s no place for me in it, so why did i try so hard? I’m not one of you though I tried to be for so many years. Many are called, few are chosen? I wasn’t chosen - so why are we called? It may seem bizarre but I have found a resolution in not finding answers and faith but in finding questions and emptiness. I don’t belong, and that’s ok Its ok to not belong, its ok to not be part of the holy mob or the first in line when heaven opens its doors. It’s ok to not be special to Jesus

 

[Joyful_1]

Whatever you do, NEVER GIVE UP!!!

God is still calling you. He will respond to anyone who calls to Him. Sometimes the answer to a prayer is just “wait”. You don’t have to feel any warm fuzzy feelings . If you hold on and cling to your faith, you will not be left in the dark. God wills that everyone be saved. You are not alone in your faithless feeling. Just don’t give in to it.

EVERYONE, saint or sinner, goes through trials of faith. Even I wake up in the middle of the night terriffied because I can’t conjur up any vestige of belief into my head. You have to take a leap of faith. Someone said once that everyone is God’s favorite. If you were the only person on the planet who would ever respond to His love, Jesus would still have gone to get you. Everything He went through on the cross was done for you in particular.

If you have ever seen “The Passion of the Christ” you will know what a lot that was that He went through.

Please do not give up on God! He loves you so much you could never even imagine it!

God Bless you and I’m praying for you!
Joyful_1

 

[PhilotheaZ]

The end I arrive at is that I don’t believe anymore. I don’t feel any emotions, or anger or sadness, that is gone. I just don’t believe anymore. I don’t know if I have hit a threshold in my spiritual journey or if I am approaching a new dawn. The entire christian faith seems almost comical to me, except for the moral teachings of Jesus … I look at Jesus and he is a stranger to me and i feel like a stranger to him. Has anyone experienced this? I don;t know if I should keep praying or fasting? I don’t know what to do really. When I pray I feel almost confused, like what am I doing? As i go to church with my family as Christmas approaches, I feel desolate in church, like I am going somewhere I have never been before … should i keep praying? or let it go? should I keep seeking, or just let him find me? should i think this is a sign for me to go elsewhere, or is it a test to see if I’ll stay? should i stay if i don’t believe anymore? … I don’t belong in the church, there’s no place for me in it, so why did i try so hard? I’m not one of you though I tried to be for so many years. Many are called, few are chosen? I wasn’t chosen - so why are we called? … It’s ok to not be special to Jesus

It sounds like you are experiencing the same sense of abandonment that Jesus felt when He was hanging on the Cross. Remember the words He spoke from the Cross, quoting Psalm 22: “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?” Jesus in His humanity felt completely abandoned by God the Father. But we know that in reality He was not. At that moment, when Jesus was feeling most abandoned, God the Father was loving Jesus more than any of us can imagine. And Jesus did not give up in despair; although we only hear Him speak that one line of Psalm 22, we can be sure that the rest of it was in His mind. After crying out to God in what seems like despair (verses 2–3) …

“My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why so far from my call for help, from my cries of anguish? My God, I call by day, but you do not answer; by night, but I have no relief.”

… the Psalmist does not give up, but continues praying to God for help (verse 20) …

“But you, LORD, do not stay far off; my strength, come quickly to help me.”

… and then finishes with confidence that God will indeed hear his prayer and answer him, giving him reason to rejoice and praise God who has remained faithful (verses 23–26):

"Then I will proclaim your name to the assembly; in the community I will praise you: “You who fear the LORD, give praise! All descendants of Jacob, give honor; show reverence, all descendants of Israel! For God has not spurned or disdained the misery of this poor wretch, Did not turn away from me, but heard me when I cried out. I will offer praise in the great assembly; my vows I will fulfill before those who fear him.”

This is the time for you to cling to God more tightly than ever. God will reward your faithfulness. Sometimes He gives the most difficult burdens to His best friends. Don’t give up on Him; He will remain faithful to you, even if it doesn’t seem so at the moment.

I am sure many of us on CAF are praying for you now, as I am.

 

[kage_ar]

Seek the God of consolation.

 

[uglygal]

I have found a resolution which you guys have helped me reach as I have discussed with ppl here and read through the various topics. Everything will reach its appointed end and I see clearly that I don’t belong in this church or faith community - and thats ok . It’s ok to not belong and to be apart and its ok to be nothing special.

I don’t feel abandoned by God. I just feel empty - a good emptiness of nothing. Like waking up one morning from a nightmare and seeing that that which you longed for with all your heart and soul doesn’t matter anymore. thanks for your advice, I will follow it.

 

[water]

I don’t feel abandoned by God. I just feel empty - a good emptiness of nothing. Like waking up one morning from a nightmare and seeing that that which you longed for with all your heart and soul doesn’t matter anymore. thanks for your advice, I will follow it.

Having God in one’s life and believing in Him strongly, his soul is filled with joy and hope. Without Him, emptiness is what he has.

There is no such good emptiness.

uglygal:

Its ok to not belong, its ok to not be part of the holy mob or the first in line when heaven opens its doors. It’s ok to not be special to Jesus

Deep down in your heart, you know it is not ok. You are fighting good and you should not let this thought overcome you. This thought is not your thought but it is of the Devil.

Jesus does not abandon you, but you should not take His Hand off you.

 

[Hlafdige]

I don’t belong in the church, there’s no place for me in it, so why did i try so hard? I’m not one of you though I tried to be for so many years. Many are called, few are chosen? I wasn’t chosen - so why are we called?

Outsiderhood is a calling. Strictly speaking it belongs to every Christian calling, because it was Christ‘s lot in which all share. All the fantastically effective „insider Christians“ we know of paid their dues to it in various ways – they were martyred, or went through long stretches of spiritual dryness, or chose poverty, celibacy, and obedience, or accepted offices of leadership against their desire, or undertook risky travel to faraway places, for example. Others, like the hero of Georges Bernanos‘ Diary of a Country Priest, never find the niche where they personally can be successful and accepted and special. Marginality is like the priesthood in the sense that in a way it‘s part of what all believers are (many are called) yet for some of us, it‘s a spiritual job description as well (few are chosen). God asks us to say yes to Him by saying yes to that.

We are free, of course, to ship out and „seek elsewhere on our spiritual journey“, like Jonah did. But before we sign on at the nearest ashram or coven or megachurch, we need to consider that a vocation and a Yes are the stuff miracles are made of. No matter what caused our marginality in the first place (circumstances, a disability, others‘ sin, our own sin, or any combination), no matter how hard it is to reconcile ourselves with our unbelonging and our lack of certainty, God will use this, often spectacularly. Check out the stories in this new Vatican document:
catholicculture.org/library/specialitems/adoration_for_priests.pdf

It’s ok to not belong and to be apart and its ok to be nothing special.

Yes, it is OK – depending on whom you‘re doing it for.

 

[Hlafdige]

By the way, there‘s a patron saint for folks like us: St. Benedict Joseph Labre. Whether he was somewhat autistic, as some speculate, or for some other reason, he had extreme difficulty fitting in and was kicked out, I think, of eleven monasteries. On his way to try number 12 he understood that perpetual pilgrimage was his vocation, and he became known as „God‘s Vagabond“.

 

[uglygal]

Deep down in your heart, you know it is not ok. You are fighting good and you should not let this thought overcome you. This thought is not your thought but it is of the Devil.

Deep down I used to believe this was not ok. I now see that it is . It is ok to not share in the ‘relationship with Jesus’ that every other christian seems to have. It is ok to not be close to him - to be ignored by him, disposable to him, a nobody. This used to hurt me very much but I have come to the resolution that this is not a bad thing. He created this rubbish, so it’s ok for me to be just that. The only thing left for me is to step away from jumping hoops and stop performing for him. To stop pretending I don’t stink for him, when in reality i do.

no matter how hard it is to reconcile ourselves with our unbelonging and our lack of certainty,** God will use this, often spectacularly**.

i think thats a false hope that causes much sorrow - believing you are loved and important when in reality your not.

Having God in one’s life and believing in Him strongly, his soul is filled with joy and hope. Without Him, emptiness is what he has

you see that’s where people like me come in. This may be true for your or other christians, but not for me. Having God (Jesus) in my life and believing strongly in him is emptiness for me. Jesus is a void for me, he is a tomb of emptiness for me - and it’s ok to not be loved by him. I actually realize now that what I have been running from all along is this loveless god. I have run full circle and returned to Him. And that’s ok. I’ll continue to play my part like the pawn I am, say god is love because i must, and nod my head in agreance at how wonderful everything is - but here’s the thing, I’ve fooled them all because in my heart and soul I feel nothing and this nothing is the love of christ - and it is ok for me to feel like this and be like this.

thanks for raising this saint - St. Benedict Joseph Labre. I hadn’t heard of him before

I will pray for me and you

 

[water]

Deep down I used to believe this was not ok. I now see that it is . It is ok to not share in the ‘relationship with Jesus’ that every other christian seems to have. It is ok to not be close to him - to be ignored by him, disposable to him, a nobody. This used to hurt me very much but I have come to the resolution that this is not a bad thing. He created this rubbish, so it’s ok for me to be just that. The only thing left for me is to step away from jumping hoops and stop performing for him. To stop pretending I don’t stink for him, when in reality i do.

He does not create this rubbish. We created it. We sin, and our sinfulness blinds us from seeing the Truth.

 

[uglygal]

yes precisely, its my fault because everything i do is wrong and that’s ok

 

[Jlcastagna]

uglygal,
Lately this has become my mantra on these forums, which I got from a book from Scott Hahn; Until we get to heaven we are all unfinished Christians. Hang in there God is always with you.

As a Side note to PhilotheaZ: In Jesus time Psalm 22 was not called Psalm 22. To identify each different Psalm the Jews would just say the first line. Jesus did not feel abandoned by the Father, He knew he and the Father are One just as He had prayed one day before in the garden. Trust me Jesus knew every word in the Psalm, He was just reminding all present about the greater glory that would come from this time of dispair.

May God bless and protect us,
JLC

 

[water]

yes precisely, its my fault because everything i do is wrong and that’s ok

That is for you to judge yourself. No one here is to say everything you do is wrong.

 

[nablaise]

You reminded me of something I read in the Dark Night of a Soul. YOu should read it.
I think at this point, God wants to give you his greatest gift or is showing you his greatest gift and want you to use it wisely : Free Will.

By know you know God. You know that he is good. YOu are certain about that.

The only problem is you don’t feel loved.
What God wants of us is that one thay we be capable of saying: “you have loved me, and I have loved you”.

He pulled away from you so that you don’t feel that your decision to love him is influanced by him. Somehow he wants you to use the full capacity of your human will/heart to love him UNCONDITIONALLY.

God never wants us to fell like we are programmed robots with grace so we can love. He really wants us to feel that we are ‘persons’ capable of self-determination.

So at this point don’t ask him to love him. Try to love him. Well you did say that you try and it like hypocritical, It happened to me too. But this is an interesting exercise that we forgot very often: Say Thank You!

Look around you. And try to rise in your heart in thankfullness to him. Thank him for everything around. For being a member of CA (you don’t know how much a blessings this is, so many people are looking for answer in life, may be an advice from her could turn their life forever, etc),
Thank him for know him,
Thank him for the good people you see
They are millions of reason to thank and praise him.

Tell him, I love you, even though I don’t know what is happening with me, or what you are planning to do with me right now.

Don’t pretend to know that Jesus does not care for you. This itself is a sin.

Instead “offer continually a sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving” because there is always something to be thankful for.

You may think you have done everything but that is not true. You have not yet changed your username. I am sure no one here is comfortable to name you by what you call yourself. And your username is definatevely not a pleasing sacrifice to God. I think maintaining it is itself a sin.

In CCC-214 we are though that God is love and truth. When you proclaim that he made you ugly you are calling him a liar. So start by changing your name.

in Christ.

Alain

 

[LilyM]

I’ve spent time reading through and looking through the threads / debates here, mainly to see if leaving the church was done under false pretenses or what I was taught was incorrect. The end I arrive at is that I don’t believe anymore. I don’t feel any emotions, or anger or sadness, that is gone. I just don’t believe anymore. I don’t know if I have hit a threshold in my spiritual journey or if I am approaching a new dawn. The entire christian faith seems almost comical to me, except for the moral teachings of Jesus. I don’t really know what to do I thought that maybe I should leave it and give it time but as time passes that rift between me and this faith gets larger. I don;t know how to explain it - everything feels surreal, like it is another life, another reality that I am not a part of. I look at Jesus and he is a stranger to me and i feel like a stranger to him. Has anyone experienced this? I don;t know if I should keep praying or fasting? I don’t know what to do really. When I pray I feel almost confused, like what am I doing? As i go to church with my family as Christmas approaches, I feel desolate in church, like I am going somewhere I have never been before.

I think my time here at CA is at its end as I think I have found what I sought, some resolution. I am grateful for some of the nice people I have encountered here . should i keep praying? or let it go? should I keep seeking, or just let him find me? should i think this is a sign for me to go elsewhere, or is it a test to see if I’ll stay? should i stay if i don’t believe anymore? I don;t know, and strangely this emptiness feels like a resolution. I don’t belong in the church, there’s no place for me in it, so why did i try so hard? I’m not one of you though I tried to be for so many years. Many are called, few are chosen? I wasn’t chosen - so why are we called? It may seem bizarre but I have found a resolution in not finding answers and faith but in finding questions and emptiness. I don’t belong, and that’s ok Its ok to not belong, its ok to not be part of the holy mob or the first in line when heaven opens its doors. It’s ok to not be special to Jesus

My dear friend, you ARE both called and chosen. Christ died for you - THAT is His calling and choosing of you. You ignore that calling and choosing at your peril.

There is room for every single person in the Church - what there isn’t room for is self-delusion, self-pitying, pride, sin, error … anything in you or in me that is incompatible with the Church is based on one of these.

As for praying - Jesus certainly didn’t just sit back and let the Father ‘find Him’ as you propose to do - He spent whole nights in prayer, three days in the Temple, 40 days fasting in the wilderness and all the rest of it.

He found the Father quite simply because He never stopped looking for Him, as He says ‘seek and you will find’. And so must you if you hope to find anything.

And I certainly don’t seek to be ‘part of a holy mob’ or ‘the first there when Heaven’s gates open’ or anything of the sort.

Knowing what I do of His truth and of what He expects of me, I also know that if I fail in any particle I will be damned - not let in to Heaven at all. So will you if you give up the seeking of God’s will.

‘To whom much is given, of him will much be expected’. You and I have been given it, friend, the whole kit and caboodle - the fullness of truth. No going back, no feigning ignorance, no giving back the gift and its attached responsibilities, no laziness or apathy, is acceptable from us now.

God expects much of us. And rightly so. The question is why should God let me or you into Heaven at all if having been given this we turn our backs on His gift?

 

[uglygal]

thankyou for your advice ppl, I’ll read dark night of a soul, but I don’t understand why it is assumed that I am pretending or deluded?

I also don’t see how my username is a sin? So what if its uglygal? When i call myself uglygal its a sin but when others call me ugly it’s not? I suppose God is going to damn me to hell for having a forum username ‘uglygal’?

I found it amusing in an unamusing way that sitting back and letting god find me is not an option. I have sought Jesus - I have prayed the rosary daily, gone to weekly adoration, daily mass (i mentioned this in my previous posts) and there i was told I tried to hard! I am finding this really confusing - when I search, I am searching too hard, when i contemplate that maybe stepping back would be the way to go i am told I must ‘seek and find’ - which is it I’m precisely confused because when I seek i don;t find anything except a brick wall, and then I’m told i haven’t searched

I know from all the years I spent in catholicism earlier that anything wrong in my spiritual life is my fault. In fact that’s the greatest lesson I learnt in my time as a catholic - its all my fault. and that’s ok too. I am the way I am. I tried but it’s never enough for Jesus. So I’ve accepted what i am, a person who will never be close to him or have a relationship with him. I have accepted that I must jump hoops and keep to myself because that is what this faith is about. And that’s ok. What wasn’t ok all these years was not accepting that truth. I am no-one and that’s ok. Even here in these forums much of what I say is taken the wrong way by people or offends people even thought its not my intent. whilst the offense given to me in the assumptions that I didn’t try or I am feigning ignorence or i am deluded and selfish and whatnot is not offensive - thats tough ‘love’

I really can’t win, either way, not with christians and not with Jesus, so I am accepting this. It leaves me feeling empty as I feel I can;t even suffer with dignity, but that’s alright. And this is my resolution. I just can’t get it nomatter how hard. I admit that everything is wrong with me, but everything has always been wrong with me. i have been wrong since the moment I was born and I will be wrong till the moment I die, though I try so hard. I accept that not belonging and not being loved is alright.

 

[LilyM]

thankyou for your advice ppl, I’ll read dark night of a soul, but I don’t understand why it is assumed that I am pretending or deluded?

I also don’t see how my username is a sin? So what if its uglygal? When i call myself uglygal its a sin but when others call me ugly it’s not? I suppose God is going to damn me to hell for having a forum username ‘uglygal’?

I found it amusing in an unamusing way that sitting back and letting god find me is not an option. I have sought Jesus - I have prayed the rosary daily, gone to weekly adoration, daily mass (i mentioned this in my previous posts) and there i was told I tried to hard! I am finding this really confusing - when I search, I am searching too hard, when i contemplate that maybe stepping back would be the way to go i am told I must ‘seek and find’ - which is it I’m precisely confused because when I seek i don;t find anything except a brick wall, and then I’m told i haven’t searched

I know from all the years I spent in catholicism earlier that anything wrong in my spiritual life is my fault. In fact that’s the greatest lesson I learnt in my time as a catholic - its all my fault. and that’s ok too. I am the way I am. I tried but it’s never enough for Jesus. So I’ve accepted what i am, a person who will never be close to him or have a relationship with him. I have accepted that I must jump hoops and keep to myself because that is what this faith is about. And that’s ok. What wasn’t ok all these years was not accepting that truth. I am no-one and that’s ok. Even here in these forums much of what I say is taken the wrong way by people or offends people even thought its not my intent. whilst the offense given to me in the assumptions that I didn’t try or I am feigning ignorence or i am deluded and selfish and whatnot is not offensive - thats tough ‘love’

I really can’t win, either way, not with christians and not with Jesus, so I am accepting this. It leaves me feeling empty as I feel I can;t even suffer with dignity, but that’s alright. And this is my resolution. I just can’t get it nomatter how hard. I admit that everything is wrong with me, but everything has always been wrong with me. i have been wrong since the moment I was born and I will be wrong till the moment I die, though I try so hard. I accept that not belonging and not being loved is alright.

You’re absolutely determined to find something wrong with everything and everyone aren’t you. It’s wrong for ANYONE, yourself or anyone else, to call you ugly. If others have done so, it’s their problem not yours.

And who on Earth told you you were trying too hard? They should be shot. They were flat out wrong - and probably feeling more than a little guilty about not doing much themselves. When you do more than Jesus did, then you can MAYBE say you’re trying too hard, not a second before.

And don’t make the mistake of equating ‘feeling’ like you don’t belong or ‘feeling’ unloved with ACTUALLY not belonging or not being loved. Jesus, so it would seem, felt those things too, you think God ever really abandoned Him or stopped loving Him? Not a bit of it. Your emotions are misleading you if you think He’s abandoned or stopped loving you.

God, who IS love itself, created you, of course He loves you - regardless of whether you feel loved. He created you in His own image, of course you belong with Him, regardless of whether or not you feel you don’t.

 

[CalmDownWisWins]

…

I know from all the years I spent in catholicism earlier that anything wrong in my spiritual life is my fault. In fact that’s the greatest lesson I learnt in my time as a catholic - its all my fault.

I’m afraid you’ve been misinformed or have interpreted things incorrectly. The only fault that can “bind” you is your unwillingness to be forgiven your sins.

You refuse to release your sins to God, so that He can forgive you. You must know what sins you have commited, by examining your conscience thoroughly, so that you can truly be contrite for them such that you can give them up to God and free yourself.

PLEASE find a spiritual director and clarify why you can’t forgive yourself.

and that’s ok too. I am the way I am. I tried but it’s never enough for Jesus. So I’ve accepted what i am, a person who will never be close to him or have a relationship with him. I have accepted that I must jump hoops and keep to myself because that is what this faith is about.

Catholicism is about acting true to your beliefs and community. You must know what God has told you to do and why He has told you to do them, then you can do those things which please Him. That knowledge comes from those who kow those things, which is your community.

I imagine you are a “loner” type person. The only way that you can get the information you need is to ask for it from others. That will be VERY hard, but it must be done.

And that’s ok. What wasn’t ok all these years was not accepting that truth. I am no-one and that’s ok. Even here in these forums much of what I say is taken the wrong way by people or offends people even thought its not my intent.

You are not no one. You are God’s most precious single thing. How can I say that? Because each creation of God is His most precious thing, whether they or it recognizes that or not. A most loving and most wise God simply COULDN’T created any one thing that wasn’t most precious.

Don’t worry about offending people. Just understand that there are many MANY people, even here, who “protect themselves” by their willfully cultivated thin-skins. It an easy thing to try to put an “opponent” off balance by claiming victimhood.

whilst the offense given to me in the assumptions that I didn’t try or I am feigning ignorence or i am deluded and selfish and whatnot is not offensive - thats tough ‘love’

I really can’t win, either way, not with christians and not with Jesus, so I am accepting this. It leaves me feeling empty as I feel I can;t even suffer with dignity, but that’s alright. And this is my resolution. I just can’t get it nomatter how hard. I admit that everything is wrong with me, but everything has always been wrong with me. i have been wrong since the moment I was born and I will be wrong till the moment I die, though I try so hard. I accept that not belonging and not being loved is alright.

We are all “wrong” in that we’re sinners. You’re not alone in that. You are loved. You’re just not comfortable with being loved.

You don’t need to try to BE something you’re not. You need to LET GO of what makes you comfortable with being miserable.

Go find a good Priest. What more can I say?

 

[uglygal]

You’re absolutely determined to find something wrong with everything and everyone aren’t you.

No i’m not. I’m accepting whats wrong with me.

PLEASE find a spiritual director and clarify why you can’t forgive yourself.

I have a spiritual director, a nun and they helped me reach this resolution of accepting myself the way I am.

You need to LET GO of what makes you comfortable with being miserable.

I’m not miserable I have found my resolution and understanding.

And don’t make the mistake of equating ‘feeling’ like you don’t belong or ‘feeling’ unloved with ACTUALLY not belonging or not being loved.

I’m not. I’m accepting that I must not make the assumption that I belong and I am loved. To presume god’s love is a sin.

Jesus, so it would seem, felt those things too, you think God ever really abandoned Him or stopped loving Him?

I can’t be compared to Jesus. Jesus is one in the trinity, God would never abandon or stop loving himself.

Your emotions are misleading you if you think He’s abandoned or stopped loving you.

I’m not following emotions, I’m following experience and reason and clear proofs that I have resolved to accept. It is a resolution I have reached after much meditation and prayer, discussing and reading through here, going to confession for once in a long while and talking with a spiritual director, a monastic nun.
I have had a spiritual director lead me so my resolution is sound according to the faith.

I have picked these few aspects that I think people have wrongly understood. I hope it makes more sense now. This is my resolution, this is what it is and this is where my search has led me. I have found my peace, I wanted to share it with you. I will pray that others will find where they belong too.

 

[LilyM]

No i’m not. I’m accepting whats wrong with me.

I have a spiritual director, a nun and they helped me reach this resolution of accepting myself the way I am.

I’m not miserable I have found my resolution and understanding.

I’m not. I’m accepting that I must not make the assumption that I belong and I am loved. To presume god’s love is a sin.

I can’t be compared to Jesus. Jesus is one in the trinity, God would never abandon or stop loving himself.

I’m not following emotions, I’m following experience and reason and clear proofs that I have resolved to accept. It is a resolution I have reached after much meditation and prayer, discussing and reading through here, going to confession for once in a long while and talking with a spiritual director, a monastic nun.
I have had a spiritual director lead me so my resolution is sound according to the faith.

I have picked these few aspects that I think people have wrongly understood. I hope it makes more sense now. This is my resolution, this is what it is and this is where my search has led me. I have found my peace, I wanted to share it with you. I will pray that others will find where they belong too.

A spiritual director told you it’s OK to stop believing that God loves you and to stop believing that you matter to Him? Rubbish, utter rubbish. And totally inconsistent with the faith, I don’t care who told you it isn’t. I don’t care what ‘clear proofs’ you think you may have - they’re proofs of no such thing.

It’s totally contrary to the scriptures themselves, His word to you, which clearly state that God IS love itself, and that He desires the salvation of all persons. THAT MEANS YOU!

Presumption of God’s MERCY (in other words thinking either that you can do nothing - as you propose to do - or else go through the motions of confession with no intention of trying to repent or amend, for example, and still be saved) is a sin, true. But you seem to have no idea of what the sin of presumption actually means.

It has nothing to do with presuming God loves you, or that He cares for you or that you belong with Him. I don’t know what you’ve been reading or who you’ve been talking to to think so, but you’re dead wrong.

In fact it’s an insult to Him to dare to think any of this when He has said clearly and loudly the total opposite - that He does love you and desires you to be with Him. Your thinking may well be related to what is called the sin of despair, which is in fact the opposite sin of presumption and nothing like it.

HE DIED FOR YOU! You’re slapping Him in the face by suggesting after that that He doesn’t love you. You do worse - you call Him a liar - for He has said He IS Love and that He desires your salvation as much as anyone’s.

You don’t belong in this pit of slime you’ve dug yourself into - it isn’t faith, it isn’t what God wants of you or of any of us.