U
uglygal
Guest
Due to some many experiences I had as a child and youth, I have suffered from very intense depression and anxiety / panic attacks for ten years this year. I have been on medication for many many years, and the medication has been increasing due to the increasing intensity of the anxiety and despair.
On Saturday, out of sheer desperation, crying and physically ill from the anxiety I very pathetically made a prayer “Lord Jesus, I believe you are the Eternal Uncreated Word of God, with the Holy Spirit of the Father, who in the fullness of time became man for my salvation, who by Your life gave me salvation and merit, who by Your death atoned for me, who died and rose from the dead and now sits, the Eternal Word of God at the right hand side of the Father, by whom all souls will be judged and before whom all will bow and all will confess that you are the Christ, the Son of the Living God, His Eternal Word. I do not deserve your mercy because I have reviled you, I have hated you, I have spoken wickedly of you, I have denied you but Lord save me. I can’t bear anymore”.
I didn’t feel anything unusual at the time. No booming voice from the heavens, no flashing lights, no falling to the ground or talking in tongues. Rather I felt a desire to go to confession and to go to Mass. So I took myself that afternoon.
I made my confession and while I was confessing the priest was reading a prayer book. It looked like he wasn’t listening - and generally this would upset - but i believe I experienced a grace. I saw his brokeness just I was broken and I felt mercy and compassion for him. And I felt very strongly that even if he wasn’t listening, God was listening - the Father, Son and Holy Spirit - i could feel He was there.
I then left the confession and stayed for Mass, before which I prayed a few hail Mary’s asking Mary, Queen of Heaven and Mother of the Lord, to pray for me to God and to ask him to give me strength to endure the panic attacks / depression and not suicide as I have been strongly tempted to do near everyday of my life for the past 10 or so years.
I stayed for Mass and received the Eucharist and I offered to the Father the life and death of His Son - His Life as my salvation and my merit - His death for atonement of my sins - and I felt everything melt away!!
The miracle … after the confession and during the Mass I felt so calm, so peaceful, so relaxed. I felt very loved and welcome as though God Himself had wrapped his arms around me. And I am no longer afraid! The anxiety, the panic, the depression is gone?
I have had a single day of no depression, no panic - the world looks beautiful and I can see a future.
I will stop short of calling it a healing as I am aware depression / anxiety are mental illnesses. I am continuing on my medication and I will go through with the long term therapy my doctor has organized for me (one year therapy sessions once a week, then once a fortnight, then one year of counselling once a month).
But I feel light and I feel hope. I am no longer afraid and I know that with Jesus and the Father and the Holy Spirit - One Blessed God - I will get through this.
I know this feeling will not last forever, there will be pain and sorrows and disappointments and sufferings in life - but I will forever remember this Saturday as a memory of God’s goodness to me.
I wish to apologise for my hateful comments about Jesus in the past. I am truly sorry.
But I declare now that I believe in Him and I love Him for His mercy and kindness to me (especially because I didn’t deserve it!!!) I give to Him my life and my love from now until however long I exist. I will tell everyone of His goodness to me and the goodness of our God - the Blessed Trinity - Our Heavenly Father, His Eternal Uncreated Word and His Eternal Uncreated Holy Spirit.
We are a pair and I will never part from Him. I am stuck with Him and He is stuck with me. I no longer care what theories or dogmas or religions exist. All I know is the the Blessed Trinity is God and He is Good and if I am deceived then I wish to be left in my delusion because I will never leave Him.
The anxiety is gone, the panic attacks are gone, the despair and depression is gone! Melted away like a drop of water thrown onto the furnace of God’s mercy.
Life is beautiful, I can see the light and joy in it now. I can see a future and I don’t feel afraid anymore.
Thankyou for reading,
On Saturday, out of sheer desperation, crying and physically ill from the anxiety I very pathetically made a prayer “Lord Jesus, I believe you are the Eternal Uncreated Word of God, with the Holy Spirit of the Father, who in the fullness of time became man for my salvation, who by Your life gave me salvation and merit, who by Your death atoned for me, who died and rose from the dead and now sits, the Eternal Word of God at the right hand side of the Father, by whom all souls will be judged and before whom all will bow and all will confess that you are the Christ, the Son of the Living God, His Eternal Word. I do not deserve your mercy because I have reviled you, I have hated you, I have spoken wickedly of you, I have denied you but Lord save me. I can’t bear anymore”.
I didn’t feel anything unusual at the time. No booming voice from the heavens, no flashing lights, no falling to the ground or talking in tongues. Rather I felt a desire to go to confession and to go to Mass. So I took myself that afternoon.
I made my confession and while I was confessing the priest was reading a prayer book. It looked like he wasn’t listening - and generally this would upset - but i believe I experienced a grace. I saw his brokeness just I was broken and I felt mercy and compassion for him. And I felt very strongly that even if he wasn’t listening, God was listening - the Father, Son and Holy Spirit - i could feel He was there.
I then left the confession and stayed for Mass, before which I prayed a few hail Mary’s asking Mary, Queen of Heaven and Mother of the Lord, to pray for me to God and to ask him to give me strength to endure the panic attacks / depression and not suicide as I have been strongly tempted to do near everyday of my life for the past 10 or so years.
I stayed for Mass and received the Eucharist and I offered to the Father the life and death of His Son - His Life as my salvation and my merit - His death for atonement of my sins - and I felt everything melt away!!
The miracle … after the confession and during the Mass I felt so calm, so peaceful, so relaxed. I felt very loved and welcome as though God Himself had wrapped his arms around me. And I am no longer afraid! The anxiety, the panic, the depression is gone?
I have had a single day of no depression, no panic - the world looks beautiful and I can see a future.
I will stop short of calling it a healing as I am aware depression / anxiety are mental illnesses. I am continuing on my medication and I will go through with the long term therapy my doctor has organized for me (one year therapy sessions once a week, then once a fortnight, then one year of counselling once a month).
But I feel light and I feel hope. I am no longer afraid and I know that with Jesus and the Father and the Holy Spirit - One Blessed God - I will get through this.
I know this feeling will not last forever, there will be pain and sorrows and disappointments and sufferings in life - but I will forever remember this Saturday as a memory of God’s goodness to me.
I wish to apologise for my hateful comments about Jesus in the past. I am truly sorry.
But I declare now that I believe in Him and I love Him for His mercy and kindness to me (especially because I didn’t deserve it!!!) I give to Him my life and my love from now until however long I exist. I will tell everyone of His goodness to me and the goodness of our God - the Blessed Trinity - Our Heavenly Father, His Eternal Uncreated Word and His Eternal Uncreated Holy Spirit.
We are a pair and I will never part from Him. I am stuck with Him and He is stuck with me. I no longer care what theories or dogmas or religions exist. All I know is the the Blessed Trinity is God and He is Good and if I am deceived then I wish to be left in my delusion because I will never leave Him.
The anxiety is gone, the panic attacks are gone, the despair and depression is gone! Melted away like a drop of water thrown onto the furnace of God’s mercy.
Life is beautiful, I can see the light and joy in it now. I can see a future and I don’t feel afraid anymore.
Thankyou for reading,
