A sin against honoring father and mother?

[AssisiFollower]

Both of my parents have lapsed into very serious mortal sin as their preferred ‘lifestyles.’ They have lived this way since they divorced when I was about 8, and now I am 20. In short, I feel that they were very bad examples for me during my childhood, and they continue to be bad examples – the only difference is that now that I have converted to Catholicism, they are lashing out at me in different ways. It seems that all of the other Catholic people my age who I know were raised in Catholic families, and had great parents who taught them about the Faith and actually discouraged them from committing sin. Although I am very happy for people who grew up in families like that (and am praying for more families like that), I feel like I cannot relate very well and it makes me feel like an odd black sheep. I have been trying to stop ‘complaining’ about my parents and my upbringing – I recognize that I should use my experience to become more compassionate and prayerful toward people who are struggling through similar things. But still it is still something that I am struggling with, especially when I talk to them.** I don’t know if I should continue my relationship with them or cut it off – but would I be sinning against the commandment to honor them if I stop speaking to them? Do I have to confess intentionally staying away from them and not returning their calls, etc. etc.?**

My mother identifies as “Christian” however she admits that she does not believe in practicing Christianity. She mocks me about religion and tells me to grow up and stop believing in childish things. She yells about how I am supposed to just find a boyfriend and live with him, don’t waste my time with children – marriage is so old-fashioned and not good for you. She is constantly telling me that I should be on birth control (for no apparent reason). I can’t mention to her that I am discerning, but she will say things like “as long as you don’t do something stupid like become a nun or something. Your father and I will have you committed to a psychiatric hospital if you think you’re going to run away and do that.” She tells me to leave her house if I say something about how she needs to change her lifestyle. If I want to have a relationship with her, I cannot relate my concerns about her immoral lifestyle (I only want to help her!). She will talk about living with her boyfriend, etc. etc., and I am supposed to nod and smile. If not, she will literally put my purse on the lawn and tell me to leave.

My father identifies as Catholic (and, what do I know, maybe he really does want to be in the Church) and goes to Mass every so often – but, to not beat around the bush about it, he and his girlfriend are ‘swingers’ and he plainly hangs out with the wrong crowd. When something religious comes up, he will act very condescending and tell me to stop believing in childish things (which he is also supposed to believe in!). He says Jesus isn’t trying to control your life and He just wants you to be happy living the way you want to – and proceeds to mock me and tell me I am a stupid religious fanatic. Then, when his Catholic friends or relatives come around, he is so quick to parade around the fact that I converted to Catholicism and will act like he is so proud of me for imitating him in his faith.

With a situation like this, is it sinful to turn away from them?

 

[SonCatcher]

You can pray for them. That is likely the best you can do. Sometimes it is necessary to limit contact due to the particular struggle they give you, but always be sure to give legitimate help when it is needed (i.e. don’t enable their lifestyles). Your confessor or spiritual director can help you choose how best to change your relationship with your parents into a healthy one.

If you have a good relationship with your sponsor, perhaps she/he can advise you in living a holy life (making up for your parents’ failings). Since you seem to be discerning a religious vocation, you may actually need a spiritual director.

It is not your job to parent your parents. They are responsible for themselves. It may be necessary to find other living arrangements since it pains you so much to stay where you are.

 

[Robert_Judge]

My dear Assisi Follower:
First congratulations on entering into the fullness of truth. Your conversion is a joyful event and I wish for you all the blessings that spring forth from Jesus. Honoring your mother and Father is a directive to children, but with that the Mother and Father have obligations too. Saint Paul speaks to this directly. There are two Gospel readings that come to mind as well. The first is when Jesus says, " I did not come to bring peace as the world does, but to bring division, Mother against daughter and Father against son." In this passage we see that Jesus, is asking us to follow him and we must do so with the realization that it may mean that the earthly family we love may not follow. In your case they may ridicule and disparage you. This is the price we pay to be his followers. And all authority comes from your father in heaven. You can obey your mother, as long as she is not asking you to do something harmful/immoral like taking birth control pills or engaging in fornication. As you move closer to Jesus, you become more of a reflection of him thus shinning a light on your parents unfortunate sinful life choices. This will naturally cause friction. If it becomes too uncomfortable to reside in a home where there is someone, anyone that is living an immoral lifestyle, you can either ask them to leave, politely, or leave yourself. This doesn’t mean that you cut off all communication with your parents, you still love them, and can honor them more by continuing on in your faith journey, loving them and praying for them.

 

[Falco]

If they are not honourable, how can you honour them? Perhaps the way to cope is to avoid them, but not speak ill of them to others.

 

[odile53]

Are you still residing with either of them? For the sake of your sanity, it might be best to move out. Then avoid arguing with them, pray for them, and limit your interaction with them.

 

[90Domer]

Agree with all the advice. Honoring your parents does not mean that you have to endure their toxic personalities. Keep your distance, pray for them and don’t speak ill of them behind their back (gossip).

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

OP,

it seems that your parents are sinning against you. You need to protect yourself from their influence, set some boundaries in place. That doesn’t happen over night, it will take time. They need to understand they can’t ridicule you, say hurtful things and urge you to commit mortal sins. Since you tolerate their lifestyles, they should do the same for you. But in order for that to happen, it would be best if you left home and live on your own. Because as long as you stay with your mom she will have power over you. This said, it is easier for you to set boundaries with your dad given that you don’t live with him.

When I converted I was a few years younger than you and still lived at home. I got some seriously nasty assaults on me and my faith from family members. I know how hard it is. Just keep on praying, hand it all over to God and ask Him to help you in this. It gets easier with time, I promise.

 

[holyrood]

I feel I’m in a somewhat similar situation: parents who call themselves Catholic, but whose behavior makes it difficult, probably even unwise, to spend time with them. (My dad’s last communication with me was a dozen hateful voicemails, made at 10:30 a.m. and sounding drunk, in which he told me what a lousy parent I am, called me vulgar names, and threatened to show up at my work and make a scene if I didn’t do what he wanted.)

I keep my distance. Apart from to a few close friends who have no association with them, I hold my tongue and refrain from telling tales. I pray for them. I pray for my siblings. I pray for all of us as a family. I pray for myself that if they ever change, I would still be able to rebuild a relationship.