A sin to be a recluse?

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I certainly hope it’s not a sin. I go to work where I’m pretty much alone and then go home where I’m alone. That’s about the status of my life.
 
If you think you shouldn’t be alone so much, there are a lot of things you could do. You could join the church choir or run for Parish Council. You could be a Eucharistic Minister, or you could join the St. Vincent DePaul Society. If your church has coffee and doughnuts after Mass, you could join up with that.

All of these things would give you people to talk to without things getting really personal.
 
Please don’t stop attending mass.

Actually, if you life a solitary life that would be like a hermit, like St Anthony of the Desert.

And many desert fathers too.

They do not abandon spiritual life.

You can read it in the lives of the desert fathers
vitae-patrum.org.uk

Your username is minion with a drum:p
 
One thing I haven’t noticed anyone mention yet:

Talk to a priest or a spiritual director. If you want to be a recluse, or a consecrated hermit, or whatnot, TALK TO A PRIEST. You need spiritual direction from someone for whom this sort of thing is his bread and butter. I know a woman (a doctor) who is divorced from her husband; she did a lot of spiritual searching with her director, and became a hermit – with the permission of her archbishop.

Also, speak to a psychiatrist or other mental-health counsellor. I am not a doctor, but I do suffer from depression. Make sure that your “withdrawal” and “not caring” about things like messiness and being around people is not actually a symptom of something else that may be treatable, or may at least be more easily dealt with if properly identified.
 
This isn’t an answer but:

I do hope you are okay and happy. Love you.
 
I’m a female in the same position as OP. Most likely my second petition will be denied as well, and I’ve found it wisest to completely avoid the opposite sex because of temptation.
But at the same time, I still feel plugged in to the community. I’ve especially focused on making my female friendships and family members a priority. And I’m happy. 🙂 I’m wondering why the OP hasn’t brought this up?
 
John_Lazarus said:
One thing I haven’t noticed anyone mention yet:

Talk to a priest or a spiritual director. If you want to be a recluse, or a consecrated hermit, or whatnot, TALK TO A PRIEST. You need spiritual direction from someone for whom this sort of thing is his bread and butter. I know a woman (a doctor) who is divorced from her husband; she did a lot of spiritual searching with her director, and became a hermit – with the permission of her archbishop.

Also, speak to a psychiatrist or other mental-health counsellor. I am not a doctor, but I do suffer from depression. Make sure that your “withdrawal” and “not caring” about things like messiness and being around people is not actually a symptom of something else that may be treatable, or may at least be more easily dealt with if properly identified.
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With all due respect, to you and any clergy that may read this, the last thing I want to do is talk to a priest about this. My annulment process has forever changed my view of the earthly church. And while I still believe in what the church stands for, I have very little, if any, respect for the earthly leaders of this church. I believe I could very well obtain an annulment on my next attempt. I just don’t have the care or desire to involve myself in the process any further. The 3 years I’ve dealt with it up to this point is MORE than enough for me, thank you very much.
What I “need” from my priest is: to say Mass on Sunday and holy days of obligation, to hand out communion, to hear my confession and absolve my sins, to administer last rights just before I “assume room temperature.” I definitely do not feel the need, nor the desire to get permission from any clergy to live a certain lifestyle. I have a CCC. I know the precepts of the church I know what time Mass is on Sunday and what time confessions are heard on Saturdays. This is what I “need” from the church.
As far as psychiatrist or other mental health counselor, I’m certain they would diagnose me as depressed. Frankly, I think I can change myself enough to start caring enough to clean my house and take care of my yard. These are already in progress. Even when that happens completely though, I never see myself ever wanting someone to come over to my house or entertain people to any degree. Quite frankly, I’ve become very well adapted to my secluded lifestyle. If I change my caring concerning the upkeep of my home and yard, that will probably be the extent of it. If/when I change this one aspect of my life, I see no need to change anything else.
The general theme of the responses to my original post is, there is nothing wrong or sinful about living a secluded life. That is what I was wanting to know.
 
faithsmind said:
I’m a female in the same position as OP. Most likely my second petition will be denied as well, and I’ve found it wisest to completely avoid the opposite sex because of temptation.
But at the same time, I still feel plugged in to the community. I’ve especially focused on making my female friendships and family members a priority. And I’m happy. 🙂 I’m wondering why the OP hasn’t brought this up?
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As I posted above, I believe my second attempt (or would it be considered my 3rd???) would undoubtedly be “successful.” My first instance judge has told me that repeatedly. The second instance judge even wrote it in his definitive sentence when he negated my first (or 2nd??) attempt… But, again, I’ve had my fill of the annulment process. The church can keep it. Maybe they can issue mine to somebody else, LOL.
I believe men and women are different (odd thinking today, but it is what I believe.) While working on your female relationships is helpful to you, I don’t think the same can be said for males working on male relationships. At my age, 50, there are not a lot of single guys attending mass. Single guys my age who are not practicing Catholics are not the kind of guys a single Catholic male should surround himself with, if he intends to live his faith. Does that make sense?? So that leaves married dudes. Quite frankly the married guys who are practicing Catholics that I’ve come across really want little to do with the scourge that is a divorced Catholic dude… It’s almost as if the condition is contagious… Even my family members, of whom are all married, want little to do with the failure, the disappointment, the outcast that I am- a divorced Catholic.

But that is okay. Because of their mindset, I want nothing to do with them.
 
I live alone, have done so for a long time, though I share my life with two dogs and some cats. I do have various persons calling on my help every now and then. I hate moving into the city. I hate driving through the traffic, once I am with the person who asked me to visit I am fine and everything is ok, but I have such an overwhelming sense of relief once I am home and by myself again. So much so unless its absolutely avoidable I avoid social occasions- I attend mass daily, have an ok relationship with the parishioners I meet…I have similar misgivings about my life style, that it is selfish, inward looking, Though I still have doubts,I have more or so reconciled myself to the fact that I can’t change- and to compensate help whoever asks me for help either monetarily or otherwise, be on good terms with everyone I meet. I actively avoid lunches and parties called solely for the purpose of 'getting together"- in confession the priest told me that this bordered on sinning- he told me that Our Lord and His mother did not avoid meeting people- the wedding at Cana for example. Its not that I don’t like other people, in fact I definitely like everyone I meet- so I really don’t know , and how and for what I am going to be held accountable when I stand before the judgement seat.
 
undeserving said:
I live alone, have done so for a long time, though I share my life with two dogs and some cats. I do have various persons calling on my help every now and then. I hate moving into the city. I hate driving through the traffic, once I am with the person who asked me to visit I am fine and everything is ok, but I have such an overwhelming sense of relief once I am home and by myself again. So much so unless its absolutely avoidable I avoid social occasions- I attend mass daily, have an ok relationship with the parishioners I meet…I have similar misgivings about my life style, that it is selfish, inward looking, Though I still have doubts,I have more or so reconciled myself to the fact that I can’t change- and to compensate help whoever asks me for help either monetarily or otherwise, be on good terms with everyone I meet. I actively avoid lunches and parties called solely for the purpose of 'getting together"- in confession the priest told me that this bordered on sinning- he told me that Our Lord and His mother did not avoid meeting people- the wedding at Cana for example. Its not that I don’t like other people, in fact I definitely like everyone I meet- so I really don’t know , and how and for what I am going to be held accountable when I stand before the judgement seat.
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In a nutshell, this is the reason for myoriginal post. I know what my conscience is saying. But then after I read all of the hub-bub on the pope’s exhortation and the commentary on the supposed internal forum, the advice is pretty clear (especially from this forum) we the rank and file do not have properly formed consciences to make these types of decisions… And so that leaves me to come on to forums like this and/or seek the advice of Catholic clergy. And I have absolutely no desire to do the latter.
So I decided instead to just defer to the most extreme choice- the choice that robs the most joy and pleasure. (It’s what I like to call basic Catholicism 101. The more misery and suffering one can place him/herself into, the more holy one is.)
The only problem is, as I chose the most miserable path, the one that brought the most suffering, I’ve started to really enjoy it and now I really like it!

Now what???LOL.
 
Minion_w_a_drum said:
As I posted above, I believe my second attempt (or would it be considered my 3rd???) would undoubtedly be “successful.” My first instance judge has told me that repeatedly. The second instance judge even wrote it in his definitive sentence when he negated my first (or 2nd??) attempt… But, again, I’ve had my fill of the annulment process. The church can keep it. Maybe they can issue mine to somebody else, LOL.
I believe men and women are different (odd thinking today, but it is what I believe.) While working on your female relationships is helpful to you, I don’t think the same can be said for males working on male relationships. At my age, 50, there are not a lot of single guys attending mass. Single guys my age who are not practicing Catholics are not the kind of guys a single Catholic male should surround himself with, if he intends to live his faith. Does that make sense?? So that leaves married dudes. Quite frankly the married guys who are practicing Catholics that I’ve come across really want little to do with the scourge that is a divorced Catholic dude… It’s almost as if the condition is contagious… Even my family members, of whom are all married, want little to do with the failure, the disappointment, the outcast that I am- a divorced Catholic.

But that is okay. Because of their mindset, I want nothing to do with them.
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Got sidetracked and accidentally posted without my response whoops-

Yes, I admit a lot of my female friends come from extended family and my kids/school networks. But some of them are from volunteering or from work. And some are just renewed friendships (old neighbors and high school). Yes, I agree that non-Christian, older, single men can be sketchy characters, but what about revolving certain friendships only around certain healthy activities? For instance, getting involved with or starting a men’s cycling/running/sports group through Meetup.com or your church? Also, I know many volunteer organizations can really use the male help. I was never able to do the 40 days for life at Planned Parenthood unless there was a male on grounds bc it was a dangerous area. Food Banks can always use someone who can do lifting/moving. Or, take an interesting class, start a bible study or a divorce recovery group for men. Lisa Duffy has a great program btw.

Yes, I agree that there is a divorce stigma and it’s hard to connect with the family culture of the church. Really sorry about your family btw. But I often realized a portion of this was my own insecurity, so I began to carry on mentally knowing that I really still WAS a married women with my husband “away on business” for all anyone knew. After all, we ARE still married, and I take pride in knowing that I am still faithful to my husband, the church, and Christ–a tall task that we’ve been called to, and is needed for powerful reparation for the sexual sins of others and offered to her Immaculate Heart.

Anyhow, a single man is a very useful “thing”. You have freedom, time, energy, brains and brawn, which could definitely be put to use and service of the community. And if not, what a waste! I know that even the monastic life is a life of community. Even the rare saint, such as Mary Magdalene, who lived by herself in the desert after Christ’s death, had an intensely spiritual life connected to Jesus in prayer. But I don’t believe many people are called to this unless their spiritual life is all-consuming.

Anyhow, don’t get me wrong, I still have lonely times, especially when I have to travel for work or go to weddings and events by myself, but Mother Theresa says that loneliness is a call to a deeper relationship to Christ’s Sacred Heart. I try to enter into this heart castle mentally with him at these times. But often I just end up sitting on my bed surfing YouTube or old Meg Ryan chick flicks. LOL!!🤷

God bless you!!!
 
I’ve lived alone for the last 5 years or so. I really struggle with the desire to want to be alone. It’s more comfortable, it avoids conflict, it requires less energy that being around other people.

But…if I have blocks of time to myself…that’s exactly what I do, I keep them for my self rather than being unselfish about it. Usually it leads me to sin. I’ve never been able to spend chunks of time alone without being selfish. (Extended) seclusion has never brought me peace. I need human intimacy.

Jesus spent time alone, the monks spend time alone…but they were not without community, Jesus had his disciples, the monks have their brothers.

I think you’ll find more peace if you think of ways to give your time, even if it’s in a seemingly small way.
You mention in your post of trying to find a member of the opposite sex to be friends with…why were you limiting it to the opposite sex? There are lots of good guys out there
 
Minion_w_a_drum said:
Wow, I think I am at the beginning stages of what you describe. Part of my lack of care and or upkeep is because I don’t want anyone coming over here. If my house is not presentable, I’ll never answer the door. If I clean and maintain and get back on my “grand plan” for my house and property I would undoubtedly have pride in my place. If that were to happen, I may, just may, want to show it off a bit or at least invite someone over once in a while. It’s sad too because I had great plans and ideas for my place. Now, since my annulment got denied, I’m just basically putting in my time. It’s a twisted way of thinking I know, but that’s where I’m at.
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I read later in this thread that you are putting in some effort in your home. I need to do that also, since the housewifery doesn’t come natural to me. I struggle with tidiness. I struggle with too many books!

I think this might be good for you to hear, when my children were little and I had to help them clean their rooms. After decluttering the stuff they didn’t wear or play with anymore, I told them, “You deserve to live in a clean room.” And you do too! Even if your social life is nil most of the time, you deserve to have a happy clean place.

When my children were very young I made huge efforts to socialize with other mommy’s and play groups. Too much drama. Including the Catholic ones. My bff told me she gave that up and found her children were happiest at home playing in their own sandbox. And so was she.

My social outlet is very small. I am basically a sahm, and my volunteering is limited at my kids school for their orchestra program and at church as a wednesday morning dust and polish crew. The Altar guild. I had to give that up this year because of my children’s class schedule. I missed it. My fellow Altar angels aren’t pushy or nosy. Most are older and single themselves and very happy. 🙂 Coffee and a cookie at the end of our shift.
 
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